TMI Warning
Today was a mess. To begin my story, let me take you back to September 9th, the first day of my week-long beach vacation and the first day of my last period. I knew it was coming and the timing sucked but what can you do? However, my period was totally bizarre. It was 10 (TEN) days of nearly nothing. Since I started my period at twelve I have never experienced that before. I thought to myself that perhaps, at 48, I am heading into the peri-menopausal part of my life and put it out of my head to chat to my doctor about at a later date.
Flash forward to last night. Bam! I get my period. It has only been 7 days. When I went to log in the date on my period app (yes, I have an app) it asked me if I was sure...yes I am fucking sure. This time (I warned you at the top) it is crazy heavy. I threw up from the cramps. I was in the fetal position half the night. Basically, I was fucking miserable.
I finally pass out around 2 AM. I wake up this morning disoriented and super sleepy. I stumble to the kitchen to get my coffee. I sit in my big velvet chair and jump online to buy a ticket to see The Struts in NOLA and I am fighting with the presale code. I go to put my coffee on my bedside table and somehow knock the GIANT cup over. It spills over the top, down the front, in the drawers, onto the floor. I jump up to get paper towels and get to cleaning it up. Takes me 15 minutes. I am so fucking cranky.
I go back to the kitchen and grab a new cup, meander back to my chair and...I forgot to change my tampon when I first got up. I have bled all over my favorite chair (again, I did warn y'all up there.)
Now I am just pissed. I haven't had my coffee and I am cleaning up another mess. Once I have finished I say fuck it, I need to get out of this house and start my day. I get myself ready and head to work.
At this point in my story I would like to say to any of the men reading my post who are grossed out, I am not fucking sorry.
At this point in my story I would like to say to any of the men reading my post who are grossed out, I am not fucking sorry.
Once crossing the bridge, at the 580, 80 split, I hit dead stopped traffic. My slack starts blowing up from other employees who are also stuck. I find out that on westbound 80 a semi-truck has flipped over and on eastbound 80 there has been a car chase that ended horribly. Both sides are stuck with nowhere to go. It took me three hours to travel 2 miles.
I head straight to a lunch with my co-workers and blather on about my morning until no one wants to talk to me anymore and then I just shut it and decide this day will get better! I order pancakes for lunch and spend quality time with my co-workers.
I arrive at the office around 1:45 and spend the rest of the day working on various projects; the morning now behind me.
5:15 pm, I go to the kitchen in my office and grab some carrots. I sit back down at my desk and snack while I work. Suddenly, the temp crown I just had fixed (for the 5th time) pops off. I push it back in place thinking I need to be careful not to break it so I can get it recemented tomorrow but it pops back off. I spit it out. It is my fucking tooth. My tooth has broken off INSIDE my temp crown and is now sitting in the palm of my hand. My first thought; I am a little more hillbilly than I was 2 minutes ago. I want to cry but I simply stare at it wondering what the fuck I am supposed to do now.
I call my boss over to my desk to tell him how my tooth just fell out and our conversation goes like this:
Bossman: "Is it the meth?"
Me: "Yes, yes it is the meth, thanks for understanding."
Bossman: "Would you hate me if you came in tomorrow morning to find a quarter on your keyboard?"
Me: ".............I am going home now."
I jump in my car and ring my mom to tell her the story y'all just read:
Mom: "Which tooth is it honey?"
Me: "Fourth from the front tooth on the upper right side."
Mom: "So it's a bipolar tooth." (Mom is a therapist)
Me: "......Mom, did you just call my tooth bipolar?"
Mom: *hysterical laughter with mumbles of "Oh my god, I can't breathe, help me."*
Me: "Mom, is it the meth?"
Thank the gods for my mother. She turned an otherwise shit day into a rather glorious evening.