An Introspective View on Soothing the Savage Beast...

...also known as my bangs.

I have always loved wearing bangs.  Then I hate them.  I grow them out, then I cut them again, convincing myself I look younger and that it saves me on botox.

The issue is when my wonderful hair guru cuts my bangs they are perfect.  Smooth, rounded, Zooey Deschanel bangs.  Lightly brushing my eyelashes, making me feel like a a sweet little doe eyed girl.

Then three mornings later...I wake up with my bangs intertwined with my lashes. I can't see a thing.  They start to curl and wave and look less Zooey and more like a this girl.  Then the following ensues:

Dear Criminals,

I thought we had a deal. When your human is in a manic mood and is taking scissors to her own bangs we agreed you would NOT jump on the sink and scare the bejesus out of her causing her to now sport Girl Interrupted bangs for the next six weeks.

Sadly,

Your human waiting to be carted away to the looney bin

It's a viscous cycle.  An unbreakable chain.  My cross to bare.  Bangs; the bane of my existence. 

xoks 

Chasing the Devils Tail

I don't like games. I kinda like Cards against Humanity and I do play a mean scrabble but that is not what I am referring to here.

As I start to poke my toe in the dating pool I realize there are a lot of new rules that seem to have cropped up in the last few years.  I am a pretty straight shooter when I start seeing someone.  If there is no chemistry I simply say so.  If I want to (insert your own word here since my mom reads this) you, I will tell you.  I don't care about rules.  I don't want to waste my time or yours.

So why is it men are still unable to respond in like?  I did have a date with one man recently and we knew right away that it wasn't going anywhere.  We shook hands on it and email pleasantries to each other every now and again.  He is a really great guy but we got it, spoke about it and moved on as friends.  Why is this so difficult?  And if you want to (insert your own word here since my other mom also reads this) me, just say so.  The worst that can happen is I say no thanks.  No one has ever died from those words. 

I am not chasing anyone.  Instead I am ridding myself of the runners.

xoks

The Good Wife's Worst Enemy

I have never been married.  I hadn't been with anyone I wanted to marry until I was 36 or 37. That isn't to say I didn't love my exes. I just never wanted to marry them. In all fairness, they never asked.

I have been on a binge of The Good Wife.  I have always liked Julianna Margulies so I decided to give it a chance.  Honestly, it is just another soap opera with mostly predictable plots but I do get to gaze at Chris Noth and I do enjoy that.  

The thing is, it is triggering me.  I am the bad girl in these kinds of stories.  No, I am not a super hot call-girl (although I am kinda cute) and no, he wasn't a politician with an amazingly loving and supportive wife.  He was just a guy I fell in love with when I shouldn't have.  I spent five years of my life loving him, supporting him, and trying to "fix" him...because man is he broken.  I know this is coming from my mouth but if you pit us against each other in a "who is more fucked up" race he is going to win hands down.

I really did wrestle with his being married.  Not always, but a lot.  I recall going to a dark place in my head that would allow me to fantasize that all the things he told me were real.  That he never loved her, that he married her for his green card, that he chose her because she would not leave him like his first wife had because she was too weak and needy to leave him, that he stayed for the kids (yes, I said it, there were two).  He used every line married men use to keep us connected but that allows them to keep their cake and eat it too.  

I never betrayed his trust, I never asked him to leave her (well once, but I was drunk and we were kissing under the Eiffel Tower so my defenses and sensibilities were lowered.) I showed up whenever he asked even though he could rarely show up for me.  He told me I brought him back to life and I foolishly believed him.  Am I usually this gullible? Maybe, I will have to think on it.

So what became of the only man I would ever have married?  He left me for another woman. Not his wife of course, just a person we both knew. Shocking, I know.  It took me four months to figure out he was seeing another (third) person and then it all blew up.  Mostly in my face.  
Some of you probably think I deserved it, and maybe I did - but that heartbreak put me down for two years.  Had he returned to his family instead of leaving me to start a new affair I would have been ok.  I even expected that to be how things would end.  But that wasn't the case and I had closed my eyes to the idea that he would/could ever do something like that to me.  I suppose karma was served. 

I am sure disclosing this publicly will make some people judge me even more than usual but this is my place to work through my messiness.  You don't have to stay - I actually never invited you in. Your welcome to come here anytime, but you may not like what you hear.

xoks

“What is done out of Love is beyond Good and Evil” (I call shenanigans)
― Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

About six months ago I thought I would start to date again.  Or at least try.  So I joined a dating site, set up a nice profile and waited to see what would happen.  Within a few days I received a few dozen messages.  Most of the men didn't interest me but one caught my eye.

He was a doctor and a Ph.D.  He worked for a start-up and made good money. He was 6-4 and had a South African accent (swoon).  So I started a conversation with him.  He was a bit shy at first but slowly opened up.  Turned out he was into a lot of the same things I am but he was also very aggressive about sexting.  Now I don't necessarily have an issue with that except I didn't know this guy at all and I thought it was a little odd to start off on that foot.  Isn't sexting for people who know each other a bit and want to be sexy/flirty with one another?  At least that is what I have always thought.

I finally told him to go away.  I wasn't interested in the games he was playing and if he didn't actually want to meet me and see if there really was some sort of chemistry he needed to leave me be.  He was quiet for about two weeks then he asked if we could meet.

When he showed up he was disheveled but cute.  We had dinner together and I figured out pretty quickly he wasn't attracted to me.  No big deal.  

The next day we exchanged a few texts agreeing that there wasn't a connection and we discussed being friends.  I never heard from him again...until tonight.

About 15 minutes ago my phone started vibrating.  It was a video chat request from "Adam".  I have a few friends named Adam but I am really close to my sleepy time and, to be honest, sans make-up, so I declined.  Then it showed me it was the DOC.  I sent him a message asking him why he was contacting me.  His answer..."I am horny."  I reminded him he wasn't interested in me, asked him if he was drunk and then told him that he was rude and he needed to fuck off.  Then I blocked him.

What in the world is wrong with people?  I am not here to fucking amuse you.  I am not here just because you have some "need" you need taken care of and you think I am here for you to use.  People can be really awful sometimes.  Just reminds me why I don't date.

xoks