We are at War

We bombed Iraq tonight. Can you imagine, it is 5 AM and bombs start dropping around you? I have no idea how people (ie the soldiers of the USA) can just fly in there and kill people. Saddam or no Saddam. It is ludicrous. People are already dying, and Carmen and I are lying in bed, feeling sad and confused. I wonder if Bush would be so ballsy if he thought they could retaliate with a force as strong as our own. I doubt it. Things are going to get really ugly people, and it just makes me sick. Please do what you can to let the government know how you feel about this atrocity.

Love

PS I really needed to share this

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/8812001.html

I swear I DID not write this, but I love this woman!

If I were to place a personal ad...

Attractive SWF ISO a Trainwreck

Do you hate your father or your mother, or both? Better yet, if you know deep down that your parents are evil, but you're still to this day vying for their attention and love, then you're the man I've been looking for!

Like drugs? Me too! Actually, I like YOU to take drugs while I sit back and rummage through your brain to suss out little confessions and confidential information.

In addition to the above, please have the following qualities:

Inability to express emotion - I love this! I can spend the next 5 years trying to figure you out to no avail, while getting my emotional needs fulfilled via tequila shots, a vibrator, and sleazy Gold's Gym pick-up artists.

Blown-up self-image to compensate for zero self-esteem a/k/a Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Let me worship you and be blessed by your presence. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you. You're perfect already and capable of supernatural feats such as physical invincibility (nothing can break this man and he never gets sick!), causing the universe to bend to your will (for example, you need a parking spot on a crowded street and one magically opens up - you did that!), and psychically fighting off those goddamned 5th dimensional alien-beings that are trying to take over Congress. I love you for that!

Commitmentphobic - Now this is sexy and guaranteed to drag out a 2-month fling over a decade! Don't worry, I'm one too. Everytime I start pulling away and getting a little tired of our games, you can come chase me and reignite my passion for you. Then when I start getting a little too close for comfort, you head for the hills! It's Cat n' Mouse at its finest!

A bit of larceny in your heart - Nothing's more fun than a little B&E and stealing some small meaningless items i.e. salt & pepper shakers. Theft not your thing? I'm also up for getting drunk on Mickeys’ and peeing on rich people's cars. I'll get the tires, tailpipes and fenders, you get the windows and doorhandles. Extra points for setting off the alarm.

Inept at Initimacy – Do you cringe at the thought of holding my hand, giving me a backrub, hugging, kissing, cunnilingus, private conversations and cuddling? Or, does the foregoing just seem pointless since, deep down, I should already know how you really feel about me? If either of the above are true, that’s great! I don’t need that shit either! We can just fuck at night before we go to bed, preferably doggy-style while you rub my clit until its numb. I’ll fake an orgasm so that we seem to simultaneously climax and then you can just rollover and go to sleep. I’ll finish off in the bathroom with Palmela and for a few passive-aggressive kicks, I’ll use the backside of your only pair of wearable pants to clean myself up. You’ll be looking mighty fine at work tomorrow with giz all over your booty. Now, isn’t all this MORE than enough? That’s what I’m saying!

Have a wandering eye – Simply put, I love beating the shit out of would-be interlopers. My eyes are sure to wander too, so you be the same.

The “Teddy-Bear” Ploy or When a man tells a woman, “ . . . but when you really get to know me, I’m actually a nice guy/sensitive sweet man/Teddy-Bear inside.” - Now most women who have been around the block, know that the Teddy Bear Ploy is a big load of shit. But I love that shit! I have that shit too! I want to fall in love with what you COULD BE, not who you ARE. As long as I have an insecurity, I’ll have the power to perpetuate my delusions indefinitely. You be the same.

Site Update

Well, with a little help from some friends I have changed my whole site. I have added new pages, pictures, and links. Thanks especially to Kris for working so hard for me.

I have made plans to go to Oregon with Sandy to see Jennifer and meet her mother Judy in April. I am really excited about it. Sandy has seen to it that all the necessary parties are ok with my visit so it looks like it is a go. Sandy asked me to do this for her birthday, how can I possibly not?

My weeks have been filled with interviews and friends. I actually have a second face-to-face with Micromenders this week. I am guessing this one could be mine if I really want it. I will let you all know how it goes.

I wish my brain wasnt so tired, then I could remember everything I have been meaning to write about. Alas, I can't.

Kisses

Ive tried so hard my dear to show
that you're my every dream
yet you're afraid each thing i do
is just some evil scheme

a memory from your lonesome past keeps us
so far apart
why cant i free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold cold heart

Another love from before my time
made your heart sad and blue
and so my heart is paying now
for things i didn't do
in anger unkind words i say
that made the teardrop start

why cant i free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold cold heart

another love before my time
made your heart sad and blue
and now i know your heart is shackled
to a memory
the more i learn
i get to you
the more we drift apart
why cant i free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold cold heart

So much to say

OK, sorry, been busy.

Where to start?

Had a really nice dinner with Kris and Thia the other night. We went for mexican food and then walked to Kris' house for wine and chat. We talked for about 5 hours. It was really great. She has been wonderful to me, very supportive and very caring and I can not thank her enough for opening up and trusting me. I am looking forward to cooking for her tomorrow night!

I had two job interviews this week. One I did not get (I think they already had someone in mind when I went in on Monday) and the other I aced. I will be seeing them again on Friday or Monday. Cool company, Micromenders, located in downtown SF. I would have really dug working for the company I interviewed with on Monday, but I understand how these things go. I will keep you updated on the Micromenders job.

My friend Mikey came in from Boston for a visit and a job interview. It is nice having him around. We all (Carmen, Paul, Russell, John B. and Mikey) are on our way out the door to Sushi. Yum.

I received an unexpected gift in the mail yesterday. It was a Milagro from my friend Lyn in Texas. Oh My God, she is soooo ruling. This woman is such a love. She is constantly sending me happy notes and making me smile. Thank you Lyn, you are the best!

Carmen is on Spring Break this week so we are doing fun things. Shopping, eating, sleeping late...Hey, this has been MY life for four months, heh. Welcome to heaven Pea.

OK, thats all for now. More to come when I have more time.

Kisses

I am a little hung over

There's only need
I love your need
So much I'm losing me
I cannot see the reason for the pain

With hungry joy
I'll be your toy
Just hoping you will play

Without hope my body starts to fail

Memories fade but the scars still linger
Goodbye my friend
Will I ever love again
Memories fade but the scars still linger

I cannot grow
I cannot move
I cannot fell my age
The vice like grip of tension holds me fast

Engulfed by you
What can I do
When History's my cage
Look foward to a future in the past

The more I talk
The more I say
The less you seem to hear
I'm speechless in a most peculiar way

Your mind is weak
Your need is great
And nothing is too dear
For you to use to take the pain away

Memories Fade
No don't pretend you can justify the end
Memories fade but the scars still linger

This one is just for me.

I spent the weekend at Jerry and Ritchie’s with Carmen. We had a party for Christopher’s birthday. We had food (I did not eat) wine (I had six glasses) and a great big hangover. I had a wonderful time. Jerry and I discussed having a baby again (yes, while I was sober) and have come to the decision that we will wait one year before we begin. I am really excited about it. We even picked out names (for now). A boy will be Zachary and a girl will be Dakota. Of course, that will probably change a thousand times before we actually get to the baby making, but we have a good start.

On the way over to the boys house Carmen and I had a long talk about her ex Daniel. He had been planning a trip to SF for the weekend after next. However, he was driving up Friday night, had a family event on Saturday and would be driving back on Sunday. Carmen made the simple statement that she was disappointed with the fact that they would not have any time to hang out and he laid into her about how she was not a good friend. He told her how everything she did she did out of selfishness. She was floored. She was also very hurt. Daniel’s example to her of her selfishness was to remind her of how she had flown out to Florida (on her dime) to drive across country with him when he recently moved back to California, and how he believed she had done this for herself rather than for him. Now I have to say that this statement made NO sense to me. How he could come up with this twisted version of her intentions was beyond me (and her) but this is actually what he said to her. Go figure.

On Sunday Daniel called Carmen again. I didn’t think it was worth her while to answer it, but she did. She was curious to see what he had to say, and I believe she thought he would apologize and say something about being in a bad mood when she spoke to him on Friday. This was not the case. When she informed him that he had hurt her feelings he merely told her that he believed in what he said. He also told her that she should take another look at herself if she thought she was a good friend because she wasn’t and she was simply fooling herself. Carmen finally said that if that is what he truly thought of her then they should end their friendship. He agreed and she hung up. We went downstairs to talk about it. In a way, Carmen and I are in the same boat. We both made best friends of our exes and we both watched those friendships crumble with devastating effects. We talked for a good hour about what it feels like to really love someone who cannot return the love. How with both of these men, all we ever wanted to do was let them know they were loved because we believed that they had not been shown this in their lives. We both wanted to be there for these guys because they made us smile, made us feel safe, and, when we were “with” them, made us think that true love was possible. Apparently, neither of these men felt the way we did. Now Carmen and I know that we have to move on, but I think both of us are have been really reluctant to actually do it. I know, at least for me, I thought him and I would be best friends forever, if not more, but certainly not less.

Losing a best friend is an incredibly painful thing for me. I have never had to experience something like this before. I loved Doug, with everything in me. He was such a huge part of my life. At one point I even considered moving to Texas to stay close to him and his son, to remain a part of his family. I don’t think he ever really knew just how
important he was to me. Or if he did, I don’t think it mattered all that much. Even with all the negative there was so much positive, if you can understand that. I was telling my friend the other day about my brothers Barmitvah. I think the thing that will forever stick in my mind is slow dancing with Doug and having him sing in my ear “there’s nothing wrong with me loving you” from “Let’s Get it On.” It was such a tender moment for me. I remember my step-mom (along with a few others) asking me when the wedding was because they said that him and I looked so in love. I know it was only teasing, but it still made my heart ache. I know I was just a silly girl but my heart was invested.

On the drive home I asked Carmen if there was a moment when she thought about Dan that made her ache. Her answer was “just one (giggle)?” I explained to her that I meant was there a defining moment in her relationship that if she had done it differently did she wonder if it would have changed the course of the relationship. She said no and asked if I did. I did. It was the night when Carmen, Dan, Doug and I went to see Brotherhood of the Wolf. When Doug and I got back to my house we climbed in bed and talked and joked for a long time. We started to play fight and then he was on top of me. He looked down at me with such intensity that I started to get scared. He kissed me. My heart was pounding. I don’t really know why this moment scared me so much, but I knew that if I didn’t do something to change the mood I was in trouble. So I stopped it. I asked questions about why he wanted to be so intimate with me. I lied about not being interested in love making but only in sex. I started a fight. He ended it. He left that night, no longer my boyfriend. I often wondered if I had not been so afraid what it may have turned into from there. But as Carmen says, if he hadn’t ended it then he would have any minute after that. I know that thinking about that night is dwelling, but it is the one moment that really strikes me as being such a waste. There were so many arguments. So many tears. So much pain. Yet, I don’t think I would change a thing. Well, maybe one…

I wish that my best friend and I hadn’t hurt each other so much. We loved each other very much and had a very intense relationship. My jealousy and his not wanting to take responsibility were major problems for us. The last betrayal, the one where he went into my website, well that destroyed my trust for him. I don’t think that can be fixed.

It has come to my attention that he believes that I broke into his site first. I need to say for the record that I never, ever, would do something like that. There is also some talk that I asked someone else to do it, again, this is something I will swear on my life I would never do. As angry as I have been with him, I would never hurt him, not for any reason, and what saddens me most is that I thought he knew me well enough to know that I am not that kind of person. Perhaps he is holding me responsible for the actions of others, and in that case there isn’t much I can do. But I can promise him, and his family, that I only ever wanted the best for him, and still do.

Kisses

Move Along...Nothing to see Here

I WROTE A LETTER TO YOU MY FRIEND
SO MANY LETTERS THAT I NEVER SEND
I THINK ABOUT YOU AT THE DAY'S END
THE TIME THAT WE HAD
I LAUGHED IN MY BED
THE STUPID THINGS YOU SAID
WE WERE TWO BIRDS OF PARADISE

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL
WITH CLAY HORSES AND LAMBS ON THE SHELF
I CAUGHT FROGS IN DITCHES, LISTENED FOR ELVES
MY FRIENDS AND I HAD A WORLD UNTO OURSELVES
NO GROWNUPS COULD FIND US WHEN WE
MADE OUR PLANS SO SECRETLY
TO RUN AWAY AND FLY TO BE
WITH THE TWO BIRDS OF PARADISE

NOW ONCE UPON A TIME …
MY MIND STILL THERE WANDERS
BACK IN YOUR LITTLE ROOM
THE THINGS I REMEMBER
ONE TIME WHEN WE TOOK OFF OUR CLOTHES
BUT YOU WERE CRYIN',
CRYIN'
YOU SAID NOTHING LASTS FOREVER
WE WERE HAPPY TOGETHER

I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU
HERE ON MY OWN
ME IN MY NEW ROOM
YOU IN YOUR NEW HOME
THIS IS THE LIFE THEY SAY THAT
DREAMS ARE MADE OF

DON'T FORGET
PLEASE DO FORGIVE ME
I STILL HAVE SOMETHING YOU DID GIVE ME
COME INTO MY DREAM WITH ME AND DREAM
DREAM OF PARADISE