I woke up this morning with a smile on my face
And nobody's gonna bring me down today
Been feeling like nothings been going my way lately
But I decided right here, right now, that my outlooks gotta change
That's why I'm gonna
Say goodbye
To all the tears I've cried
For every time
Someone hurt my pride
Feeling like
They won't let me live life
And take the time
To look at what is mine
I see every lesson so clearly
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I'm gonna carry on
I never wanna dwell on my pain again
There's no use in reliving how I hurt back then
Remembering all of the hell I felt
When I was running out of faith
Every step I'm about to take
Well it's towards a better day
Cause I'm about to
Say farewell to
Every single lie
And all the fears
I've held too long inside
Every time I felt I couldn't try
All the negativity and strife
Cause too long
I've been
Struggling.
Couldn't go on
But now I've found
I'm feeling strong
And moving on
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I'm gonna carry on
Every time I tried
To be what they wanted from me
It never came naturally
So I ended up in misery
Was unable to see
All the good around me
Wasting so much energy
On what they thought of me
Simply just remembering to breathe
I'm humanly unable to please
Everyone at the same time
So now I find
My peace of mind
Living one day at a time
In the end I answer to no one
It comes down to one love
I've made the decision
Never to give up
Til the I day I die no matter what
I'm gonna carry on.
Kisses
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
Many Thanks
An old friend of mine, Riskay, has been very helpful and fixing my website since the break in. She spent a lot of her personal time helping me update passwords and adding a program on my site that allows me to block people by IP address. That is super cool. She has become an awesome Geek and I thank her again for taking the time to help me.
PS Her daughter broke her arm in school today, I wish her a speedy recovery and send my love!
Kisses
PS Her daughter broke her arm in school today, I wish her a speedy recovery and send my love!
Kisses
Monday, February 24, 2003
Please excuse the profanity
OK, let me tell you a little story. It begins when I decide to tell my ex-boyfriend that we can no longer be friends because he has been dishonest. No big deal, happens all the time. We go our own ways. Again, no big deal, he lives in Texas and I live in California. This event happens in January of this year. Now, I have a website, as you all know (heh). I also have something called webstats, which monitors who has been visiting my webpage by IP address. During the month of January (well actually from January 22 to January 31) my ex visits my website 23 times. OK so he likes to check in on me, cool. February comes and from February 1 to February 14 he visits my site another 40 plus times, ok a little over the top. On Valentines day I decide that I have been missing him and want to say hello, so I jump online and say hi. He tells me that he is immensely pleased to hear from me but is also wary. I can understand this, because I feel the same way. I don’t really have a lot of faith in our friendship, but I miss him so I figure what the hell. I put myself out there (again) to see if we can make a go at being friends. On top of all of this, I miss his son. I want to be a part of his sons life, so I am willing to try to work things through for the opportunity to remain in his sons life.
So now, I have a posting from February 13th. Please take a moment to read it. On February 15th I notice that my ex has posted a comment to my site. The comment WAS:
Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all nightlong
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow tall?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!
OK, so I thought this was cute and silly and a nice way to show he was interested in being friends again. This being the case, I decide that it will be ok to read his site again. I hadn’t read his site in almost a month so there was a lot to read. Somewhere after the 15th of February was a “poem” or a stream of consciousness that, when I read it, struck me. My first thought was, “this has nothing to do with me, and if I think it does then I have an ego problem.” But then I read it again, and I thought “this is about me.” Then I read it again and I thought “he wrote this as if he WAS me.” It was a pretty insulting piece. It made me look pretty sad and pathetic. So I asked my sister and best-friend to read it and tell me what they thought. Both of them were pretty upset with the piece. They thought it fucked up to post something so personal about me in a public place. I felt the same, but I didn’t really want to react. I just kinda sat with it. I did discuss the piece with my ex, who told me it was an exercise in writing and that in writing the piece he had brought himself to tears. I told him in reading the piece it had brought me to tears as well, but for different reasons. I felt very hurt about this posting but again, I let it go. I am no sure if it was the next day or the day after but my ex IMed me to tell me my best friend had sent him a comment on his site. I was surprised, and KNEW it was prolly not a good one. He sent me the post and I said that I guessed she didn’t like his poem and he agreed. We pretty much dropped it there. Later my best friend called me to tell me that he had posted a reply to her comment. It was at this moment that I wanted out of it. I told her I was not reading his site anymore because it was a little upsetting to me since the poem posted and so she told me his reply. I was VERY sure then that I was not going to read anymore. My understanding is that she and my ex went a few rounds about her thoughts and his thoughts, but I didn’t want to hear about it, it was making my stomach hurt. She was cool about it, said it was her business and she felt the need to let him know what she felt about him. Fine, it wasn’t my business anymore. I knew it was going to go badly, but I never figured it would go SO badly. My best friend told me her honesty REALLY pissed my ex off. OK, so I am worried about his feelings, I admit it. Then she tells me that he is saying that she has been mislead, that she has not got all the correct information. And I start to think “she doesn’t have any real solid information, we don’t talk about most of the mean things my ex has done cause I spent the last year covering up for his behavior.” And yet, he is assuming that the way my best friend feels about him is MY fault. Talk about denial. My best friend (along with most of the people in this area) never liked him. They tolerated him because I thought I was in love with him and they wanted me to be happy. Friends do this. They also pay attention to what is in front of their face (unlike some people) and they took in most of the lame details of my rocky relationship with my ex. But the story gets worse.
So one day, while all this is happening, I notice a comment posted on the same blog as the one my ex commented on. I look at the comment and it reads:
“WhatIf you crawl back into the hole you came from?” or something to that effect. Additionally, the return email address was _______sucks@hisdomain.com. When I went to click on the return address it sent me to a version of my exes website that had been transformed into Ebonics (kinda). Now, this, I will admit, made me laugh, but I really thought nothing of it. It was an anonymous posting, not a very nice one, but people do that shit all the time. I have never removed a comment so I figured I wasn’t going to change my policy now. Not over this. It seemed silly and unimportant. Now here is where it gets really fucked up. On Saturday I go to look at my webstats. The program is off. Odd, I think. I turn it back on (at this point, just so you know, it is February 22 and my ex has been on my site 60 times since the first of February) and email my host and ask them what happened. On Sunday I am chatting with a friend. This friend asks me what happened to the comments posted on February 13? I tell this friend I have no idea what they are talking about and go look. Sure enough, the comments are gone. Along with a few others. I start to get freaked out. I sign into my journal and decide to check the history. There is an IP address there that is not mine. I trace the IP address and guess where it leads me? You got it, my exes home in Texas. So the man has BROKEN into my journal and altered it, as well as BROKEN into my website and turned off my webstats. Un-fucking-believable. This is a man who prides himself on his honesty and integrity. Then he has the nerve to break into my PERSONAL business and change it to suit himself. Let me say this, when I asked all my geek friends what they would do if someone did that to them, here is a list of answers I received:
A. I would kick his ass
B. I would turn him into the authorities
C. I would hunt him down and hurt him
D. I would mess with him so hard
I didn’t want to take any of the above actions. I just wanted to know why someone who claimed to be so honest and kind would do something as low as BREAK INTO my site and mess with it. I was so hurt and angry by this that I lost it. I really did. I cried for over an hour. The betrayal, the lack of integrity, and just the plain old meanness of it all broke my heart. I would never, ever do something like this to anyone. I trusted my ex, with all of my heart. He took my trust and betrayed me. End of story. Long friendship ended.
You ask if it hurts? Hell yes it hurts. He WAS so very important to me, but he has taken that all away, killed any feelings I had for him by this final act of betrayal. It was more than I could take.
No kisses tonight.
So now, I have a posting from February 13th. Please take a moment to read it. On February 15th I notice that my ex has posted a comment to my site. The comment WAS:
Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all nightlong
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow tall?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!
OK, so I thought this was cute and silly and a nice way to show he was interested in being friends again. This being the case, I decide that it will be ok to read his site again. I hadn’t read his site in almost a month so there was a lot to read. Somewhere after the 15th of February was a “poem” or a stream of consciousness that, when I read it, struck me. My first thought was, “this has nothing to do with me, and if I think it does then I have an ego problem.” But then I read it again, and I thought “this is about me.” Then I read it again and I thought “he wrote this as if he WAS me.” It was a pretty insulting piece. It made me look pretty sad and pathetic. So I asked my sister and best-friend to read it and tell me what they thought. Both of them were pretty upset with the piece. They thought it fucked up to post something so personal about me in a public place. I felt the same, but I didn’t really want to react. I just kinda sat with it. I did discuss the piece with my ex, who told me it was an exercise in writing and that in writing the piece he had brought himself to tears. I told him in reading the piece it had brought me to tears as well, but for different reasons. I felt very hurt about this posting but again, I let it go. I am no sure if it was the next day or the day after but my ex IMed me to tell me my best friend had sent him a comment on his site. I was surprised, and KNEW it was prolly not a good one. He sent me the post and I said that I guessed she didn’t like his poem and he agreed. We pretty much dropped it there. Later my best friend called me to tell me that he had posted a reply to her comment. It was at this moment that I wanted out of it. I told her I was not reading his site anymore because it was a little upsetting to me since the poem posted and so she told me his reply. I was VERY sure then that I was not going to read anymore. My understanding is that she and my ex went a few rounds about her thoughts and his thoughts, but I didn’t want to hear about it, it was making my stomach hurt. She was cool about it, said it was her business and she felt the need to let him know what she felt about him. Fine, it wasn’t my business anymore. I knew it was going to go badly, but I never figured it would go SO badly. My best friend told me her honesty REALLY pissed my ex off. OK, so I am worried about his feelings, I admit it. Then she tells me that he is saying that she has been mislead, that she has not got all the correct information. And I start to think “she doesn’t have any real solid information, we don’t talk about most of the mean things my ex has done cause I spent the last year covering up for his behavior.” And yet, he is assuming that the way my best friend feels about him is MY fault. Talk about denial. My best friend (along with most of the people in this area) never liked him. They tolerated him because I thought I was in love with him and they wanted me to be happy. Friends do this. They also pay attention to what is in front of their face (unlike some people) and they took in most of the lame details of my rocky relationship with my ex. But the story gets worse.
So one day, while all this is happening, I notice a comment posted on the same blog as the one my ex commented on. I look at the comment and it reads:
“WhatIf you crawl back into the hole you came from?” or something to that effect. Additionally, the return email address was _______sucks@hisdomain.com. When I went to click on the return address it sent me to a version of my exes website that had been transformed into Ebonics (kinda). Now, this, I will admit, made me laugh, but I really thought nothing of it. It was an anonymous posting, not a very nice one, but people do that shit all the time. I have never removed a comment so I figured I wasn’t going to change my policy now. Not over this. It seemed silly and unimportant. Now here is where it gets really fucked up. On Saturday I go to look at my webstats. The program is off. Odd, I think. I turn it back on (at this point, just so you know, it is February 22 and my ex has been on my site 60 times since the first of February) and email my host and ask them what happened. On Sunday I am chatting with a friend. This friend asks me what happened to the comments posted on February 13? I tell this friend I have no idea what they are talking about and go look. Sure enough, the comments are gone. Along with a few others. I start to get freaked out. I sign into my journal and decide to check the history. There is an IP address there that is not mine. I trace the IP address and guess where it leads me? You got it, my exes home in Texas. So the man has BROKEN into my journal and altered it, as well as BROKEN into my website and turned off my webstats. Un-fucking-believable. This is a man who prides himself on his honesty and integrity. Then he has the nerve to break into my PERSONAL business and change it to suit himself. Let me say this, when I asked all my geek friends what they would do if someone did that to them, here is a list of answers I received:
A. I would kick his ass
B. I would turn him into the authorities
C. I would hunt him down and hurt him
D. I would mess with him so hard
I didn’t want to take any of the above actions. I just wanted to know why someone who claimed to be so honest and kind would do something as low as BREAK INTO my site and mess with it. I was so hurt and angry by this that I lost it. I really did. I cried for over an hour. The betrayal, the lack of integrity, and just the plain old meanness of it all broke my heart. I would never, ever do something like this to anyone. I trusted my ex, with all of my heart. He took my trust and betrayed me. End of story. Long friendship ended.
You ask if it hurts? Hell yes it hurts. He WAS so very important to me, but he has taken that all away, killed any feelings I had for him by this final act of betrayal. It was more than I could take.
No kisses tonight.
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
A little joke from Pea
A woman goes shopping in a grocery store. She gets up to the checkout and places her items on the counter. The checker looks at the items the woman has, looks at the woman and says:
"You are single, aren't you?"
The woman replies:
"Why yes I am, how did you know?"
The checker says:
"Cause you are ugly."
LOL, I know, I know.
Kisses
"You are single, aren't you?"
The woman replies:
"Why yes I am, how did you know?"
The checker says:
"Cause you are ugly."
LOL, I know, I know.
Kisses
Tongue tied and twisted are all my memories
With one more look at you
I could learn to tame the clouds
And let the sun shine through
Leave a troubled past and I might start anew
I'll solve the mysteries if you're the prize
Refresh these tired eyes
With one more look at you
I might overcome the anger
That I learned to know
Find a piece of mind I lost so long ago
Your gentle touch has made me strong again
And I belong again
For when you look at me
I'm everything and more that I had dreamed I'd be
My spirit feels a promise
I won't be alone
We'll love and live more
Love and live forever
With one more look at you
I'd learn to change the stars
And change our fortunes too
I'd have the constellations paint your portrait too
So all the world might share this wonderful sight
The world could end each night
With one more look at you
With one more look at you
I want one more look at you
Kisses
I could learn to tame the clouds
And let the sun shine through
Leave a troubled past and I might start anew
I'll solve the mysteries if you're the prize
Refresh these tired eyes
With one more look at you
I might overcome the anger
That I learned to know
Find a piece of mind I lost so long ago
Your gentle touch has made me strong again
And I belong again
For when you look at me
I'm everything and more that I had dreamed I'd be
My spirit feels a promise
I won't be alone
We'll love and live more
Love and live forever
With one more look at you
I'd learn to change the stars
And change our fortunes too
I'd have the constellations paint your portrait too
So all the world might share this wonderful sight
The world could end each night
With one more look at you
With one more look at you
I want one more look at you
Kisses
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
Love from a Friend
Some one sent me this, a very kind soul:
Just for today -
Let me love you unconditionally, see your perfection, and share with you the wonder of my vision. Let me help you create a safe space for you to fully manifest the unconditionally loving being you truly are.
Just for today -
Let me mirror your love, respect, passion, understanding, trust, humor, patience, and compassion. Let me show you the magic I see in you. Let me give you my time, my respect, my love. Let me honor your being.
Just for today -
Let me remember that our primary purpose is to manifest love - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is all we can really be, and to recreate that love is fore play. Let me touch your body lovingly and reverently. Let me please you physically as we bond emotionally and spiritually. Let me enjoy the incredible expression of our sensuality.
Just for today -
Let me be present for you when you need someone to hear what you have to say - about your feelings, your ideas, or your dreams. Let me learn to trust again and to teach you that you can trust me.
Just for today -
Let me be a part of your growth and be a part of mine. Let me stay present with you while we find resolutions to miscommunications or disagreements. Let me hear your dreams and let me tell you mine.
Just for today -
Let me dream of the time we can sit together and reflect back on the days we shared, and the magic and wonder of that sharing that fills a lifetime.
Just for today -
Reiki
Kisses, and thank you
Just for today -
Let me love you unconditionally, see your perfection, and share with you the wonder of my vision. Let me help you create a safe space for you to fully manifest the unconditionally loving being you truly are.
Just for today -
Let me mirror your love, respect, passion, understanding, trust, humor, patience, and compassion. Let me show you the magic I see in you. Let me give you my time, my respect, my love. Let me honor your being.
Just for today -
Let me remember that our primary purpose is to manifest love - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is all we can really be, and to recreate that love is fore play. Let me touch your body lovingly and reverently. Let me please you physically as we bond emotionally and spiritually. Let me enjoy the incredible expression of our sensuality.
Just for today -
Let me be present for you when you need someone to hear what you have to say - about your feelings, your ideas, or your dreams. Let me learn to trust again and to teach you that you can trust me.
Just for today -
Let me be a part of your growth and be a part of mine. Let me stay present with you while we find resolutions to miscommunications or disagreements. Let me hear your dreams and let me tell you mine.
Just for today -
Let me dream of the time we can sit together and reflect back on the days we shared, and the magic and wonder of that sharing that fills a lifetime.
Just for today -
Reiki
Kisses, and thank you
Thursday, February 13, 2003
Ah, Kettle Chips. The perfect side dish...for revenge!
Let me just say, when your roomie walks into your room, hands you a lovely glass of wine, and lights a cig for you...life is sweet.
I am finally getting over whatever sickness I was struck with this week. I figure by tomorrow I will be all good. I was super careful not to do anything that would further my illness. I hate being sick.
I find I am struggling with letting go. It is interesting because I am usually pretty good at this, but lately I feel as though there is something in the way of me moving on. I really need to focus on this so I can get on with my life and stop sitting around wondering "what if". What if's are bad for you, they drain you and they keep you from growing. I am getting rid of the What If's if it kills me.
Another interesting note: A woman I have NO interest in having in my life reached out to me today. I don't get it. She was lousy to me, dishonest and manipulative, and yet she thinks I would want to know her. People are a trip. How they can not see how fucked up they are amazes me. I know most of my faults, I really have worked hard in therapy to work through them or learn to accept them, but I am constantly running into whack jobs who want to be a part of my life. That is not to say that I myself am not a whack job, it is just I don't feel the need to cuddle up with every other whack job I meet and impose my whackiness on them.
I figured out today I need to buy a SmartMedia card thingy to put the pictures on my laptop, thereby delivering them to you. People have been asking for updates (OK one person really) and I have 111 pictures on my digital camera just screaming to be somewhere else. I have tons of pictures from Christmas (both here and SD) and pictures from New Years and pictures of my new house. All of which I will be sharing by the end of the weekend, I swear.
OK, now that I am full of Matza Ball Soup (sing it with me, memories...) and good wine, I am gonna sleep.
Kisses
I am finally getting over whatever sickness I was struck with this week. I figure by tomorrow I will be all good. I was super careful not to do anything that would further my illness. I hate being sick.
I find I am struggling with letting go. It is interesting because I am usually pretty good at this, but lately I feel as though there is something in the way of me moving on. I really need to focus on this so I can get on with my life and stop sitting around wondering "what if". What if's are bad for you, they drain you and they keep you from growing. I am getting rid of the What If's if it kills me.
Another interesting note: A woman I have NO interest in having in my life reached out to me today. I don't get it. She was lousy to me, dishonest and manipulative, and yet she thinks I would want to know her. People are a trip. How they can not see how fucked up they are amazes me. I know most of my faults, I really have worked hard in therapy to work through them or learn to accept them, but I am constantly running into whack jobs who want to be a part of my life. That is not to say that I myself am not a whack job, it is just I don't feel the need to cuddle up with every other whack job I meet and impose my whackiness on them.
I figured out today I need to buy a SmartMedia card thingy to put the pictures on my laptop, thereby delivering them to you. People have been asking for updates (OK one person really) and I have 111 pictures on my digital camera just screaming to be somewhere else. I have tons of pictures from Christmas (both here and SD) and pictures from New Years and pictures of my new house. All of which I will be sharing by the end of the weekend, I swear.
OK, now that I am full of Matza Ball Soup (sing it with me, memories...) and good wine, I am gonna sleep.
Kisses
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Vodka of the Gods
For a long time, i was in love
Not only in love, i was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, i'm covered in shells
And all i wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all in needed was a simple man
So i could be a wife
I'm so ashamed i've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along i'm hunting you down
Like a sick domestic abuser looking
For a fight
And all i wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would i try to make you mine?
I always thought i'd be a mom
Sometimes i wish for a mistake
The longer that i wait the more selfish that i get
You seem like you'd be a good dad
Now all those simple things are simply too
Complicated for my life
How'd i get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kinda of life
When all i ever wated was the simple things
Simple Kinda Life - No Doubt
Kisses
Not only in love, i was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, i'm covered in shells
And all i wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all in needed was a simple man
So i could be a wife
I'm so ashamed i've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along i'm hunting you down
Like a sick domestic abuser looking
For a fight
And all i wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would i try to make you mine?
I always thought i'd be a mom
Sometimes i wish for a mistake
The longer that i wait the more selfish that i get
You seem like you'd be a good dad
Now all those simple things are simply too
Complicated for my life
How'd i get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kinda of life
When all i ever wated was the simple things
Simple Kinda Life - No Doubt
Kisses
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Princess Ali
Damn. Boxing is hard core. I went to my class on Sunday, spent an hour punching the bag and jumping rope. I was so tired when I was done, but also full of adrenaline. After class I went to Mari's to hang out and chat. She is such a love, I really enjoy my time with her.
Had dinner at my dads Sunday night. A really nice time. Ate too much, laughed a lot, went home around 8. Then BAM. I was sick. I passed out around 10, woke the next morning at 10, fell back asleep at 11, woke up at 7 at night, fell back asleep by 9 or so and woke up this morning at 10. Not only did I have a fever but I had malaria nightmares all night (and day). I had so many dreams they all ran into each other and I can not even begin to get into them here. On top of it all, I was so sore I barely could raise my arms. I feel much better today.
Talked to my ex the other day. We are going to the museum on Thursday to see a Van Gough exhibit. I am really looking forward to spending time with him, it has been too long.
Kisses
Had dinner at my dads Sunday night. A really nice time. Ate too much, laughed a lot, went home around 8. Then BAM. I was sick. I passed out around 10, woke the next morning at 10, fell back asleep at 11, woke up at 7 at night, fell back asleep by 9 or so and woke up this morning at 10. Not only did I have a fever but I had malaria nightmares all night (and day). I had so many dreams they all ran into each other and I can not even begin to get into them here. On top of it all, I was so sore I barely could raise my arms. I feel much better today.
Talked to my ex the other day. We are going to the museum on Thursday to see a Van Gough exhibit. I am really looking forward to spending time with him, it has been too long.
Kisses
Saturday, February 08, 2003
Down with my sickness
I am such a masochist. After being faithful to myself and not reading journals for almost a month I had to go and torture myself. A little catch up reading and now I know more of the truth than I ever needed to. God it is painful to realize how little I was cared for, how easy it is to dismiss me as being the one with all the problems, the one who caused this terrible mess. I hate that I love as deeply as I do. That I fall for men who are a mess, with nothing to give and so much energy to take because they have been stripped by their last love. I should have known this last time. I should have seen the outcome long before it happened. I should, I should, I should...but I didn't.
I was looking at pics of us, seeing this love only I imagined. Not realizing early on that I was alone there. There isn't one person in our lives that didn't see what we shared, except him, and thats all that really mattered. It amuses me that several friends have told me that if I have any desire to know him again I should contact them first and they will keep me "safe". Safe would have been never knowing him, never touching him and certainly never loving him, so I guess safe is outta the question.
I thought he could love me more than anyone he had ever met, that is certainly how I felt about him, but there are too many other women to fancy, too many other wounds to heal, way too much time needed and I came to him at the wrong moment, although maybe there would never be a good time for him.
Just a little sadness going a long ways.
Kisses
I was looking at pics of us, seeing this love only I imagined. Not realizing early on that I was alone there. There isn't one person in our lives that didn't see what we shared, except him, and thats all that really mattered. It amuses me that several friends have told me that if I have any desire to know him again I should contact them first and they will keep me "safe". Safe would have been never knowing him, never touching him and certainly never loving him, so I guess safe is outta the question.
I thought he could love me more than anyone he had ever met, that is certainly how I felt about him, but there are too many other women to fancy, too many other wounds to heal, way too much time needed and I came to him at the wrong moment, although maybe there would never be a good time for him.
Just a little sadness going a long ways.
Kisses
Just for Lyn, oh and Eli
It has been a very busy week. I am a tired Princess. So where to start...
Last night I went out with the girls, Livia, Marianne, and Carmen. We went to a wonderful Tapas bar in the mission. The food and drinks were awesome. We had Pomegranate Margaritas and Mojitos. So yummy. We then meandered across the street to Blondie’s Bar and No Grill. It is a small bar and dance club. The DJ played funk and the dance floor was packed. We had a really good time. Interesting crowd, very mixed ethnically, and VERY young. I realized that I am not as tolerant of “kids” as I used to be. I am thinking that my year hiatus spent playing family left me with a kinda longing to relax at home on Friday night with someone I love and a good movie. I can’t help missing that. Don’t get me wrong, hanging out with a group of amazing woman rules, but I just loved it when “my kid” came running in, crawled on the couch between us, and we all snuggled down together. It was soothing. I miss that kid.
The rest of the week was really nice too. I had a wonderful talk with a friend who is too far away. She is a lovely person, who gives great advice and has my back. I just wished we weren’t so far away from one another. I am thinking I need a week to hang out in her beautiful home, eating her wonderful cooking, drink some wine and maybe even go on another boat ride (this time I swear I will get in the water). So to you girlie, I miss you!
I spent a couple of days just out and about with Carmen this week. On Thursday I went to school with her (she had only one class) and then we went to Berkeley to go to the library to do some research on a paper she has due on Monday. UC Berkeley is really beautiful. We got some coffee and walked all over campus. In between library visits (there was the Psychology Library where I looked up relationship dysfunction, heh, and the Anthropology Library, where I did actual research) we shopped (I am sure you are all shocked). Spending money when you have none is so devious. I just love it. Bad Princess.
My brother has returned from Oregon. He is living with my mom, sorta. I think since he has been home, maybe a week and a half, she has kicked him out twice. My brother is 19, he is beautiful, smart, loving and totally irresponsible. He is stuck on this girl (we have all been there) who is really bad for him and it just makes it worse. On Tuesday my mom called me and told me that she needed my help to talk to him. He had yelled at her and stormed out of the house in a fit of hysteria. I agreed to come over and try to help. I got over to my sisters at around 5:30 and called my brother over. We talked for a good hour, discussing depression, love, anger, fear, growing up, being responsible and respectful, school, work, life options. I don’t know if I truly got through to him, he nodded in all the right places, he responded as if he was hearing me, but who knows. I remember being 19, and I don’t think anyone could have told me anything I didn’t think I already knew. Such is growing up eh? We all sat down to dinner together, Alicia, Justin, Jordan, Austin, Madison, Hayden and I. This is a rare thing, and I really enjoyed it. After that Alicia, Justin, and I watched Buffy. MMMM hot Willow on Kennedy action. Damn!
I got a call on a job on Thursday. I am really excited about the prospect of working again. I should be interviewing a week from Monday. I will keep you updated.
With that said, I hope I have satiated your voracious appetite to know all about my life, heh. OK people, I was just kidding.
Kisses
Last night I went out with the girls, Livia, Marianne, and Carmen. We went to a wonderful Tapas bar in the mission. The food and drinks were awesome. We had Pomegranate Margaritas and Mojitos. So yummy. We then meandered across the street to Blondie’s Bar and No Grill. It is a small bar and dance club. The DJ played funk and the dance floor was packed. We had a really good time. Interesting crowd, very mixed ethnically, and VERY young. I realized that I am not as tolerant of “kids” as I used to be. I am thinking that my year hiatus spent playing family left me with a kinda longing to relax at home on Friday night with someone I love and a good movie. I can’t help missing that. Don’t get me wrong, hanging out with a group of amazing woman rules, but I just loved it when “my kid” came running in, crawled on the couch between us, and we all snuggled down together. It was soothing. I miss that kid.
The rest of the week was really nice too. I had a wonderful talk with a friend who is too far away. She is a lovely person, who gives great advice and has my back. I just wished we weren’t so far away from one another. I am thinking I need a week to hang out in her beautiful home, eating her wonderful cooking, drink some wine and maybe even go on another boat ride (this time I swear I will get in the water). So to you girlie, I miss you!
I spent a couple of days just out and about with Carmen this week. On Thursday I went to school with her (she had only one class) and then we went to Berkeley to go to the library to do some research on a paper she has due on Monday. UC Berkeley is really beautiful. We got some coffee and walked all over campus. In between library visits (there was the Psychology Library where I looked up relationship dysfunction, heh, and the Anthropology Library, where I did actual research) we shopped (I am sure you are all shocked). Spending money when you have none is so devious. I just love it. Bad Princess.
My brother has returned from Oregon. He is living with my mom, sorta. I think since he has been home, maybe a week and a half, she has kicked him out twice. My brother is 19, he is beautiful, smart, loving and totally irresponsible. He is stuck on this girl (we have all been there) who is really bad for him and it just makes it worse. On Tuesday my mom called me and told me that she needed my help to talk to him. He had yelled at her and stormed out of the house in a fit of hysteria. I agreed to come over and try to help. I got over to my sisters at around 5:30 and called my brother over. We talked for a good hour, discussing depression, love, anger, fear, growing up, being responsible and respectful, school, work, life options. I don’t know if I truly got through to him, he nodded in all the right places, he responded as if he was hearing me, but who knows. I remember being 19, and I don’t think anyone could have told me anything I didn’t think I already knew. Such is growing up eh? We all sat down to dinner together, Alicia, Justin, Jordan, Austin, Madison, Hayden and I. This is a rare thing, and I really enjoyed it. After that Alicia, Justin, and I watched Buffy. MMMM hot Willow on Kennedy action. Damn!
I got a call on a job on Thursday. I am really excited about the prospect of working again. I should be interviewing a week from Monday. I will keep you updated.
With that said, I hope I have satiated your voracious appetite to know all about my life, heh. OK people, I was just kidding.
Kisses
Sunday, February 02, 2003
Purge, Purge, Purge
Ewww, gross title...
OK, so I worked trades show this weekend. It was NADA, National Automobile sumptin Association. It was really cool. We (Mary, Livia, and I) saw all sorts of beautiful concept cars, met all sorts of cool people, and made a few bucks. All in all, a fun experience. Only downside, the concept cars will never be made, which sucks, cause I fell in love with a Chrysler, believe it or not.
I have been having weird dreams. Last night I dreamt about big rigs and my Texan ex sending me a gift package. In the package was a bunch of weird little things, but there was also a book, one I have been looking for and just found recently. I have been reading this new vampire series. The first was Crimson Kiss, the second was Crimson Night and the one I just found is Crimson Shadows. So in my dream he had sent me Crimson Shadows, even though he could not possibly have known I was looking for it. Of course that struck me as odd, cause it meant that somehow we were still connected, even though we weren’t communicating. It made me realize that even though him and I are not close anymore, we will prolly always be connected on some other level. That happens to me with certain people. Spooky.
Strega is screaming at me to pet her, brat. Now she just bit me, bigger brat.
Kisses
OK, so I worked trades show this weekend. It was NADA, National Automobile sumptin Association. It was really cool. We (Mary, Livia, and I) saw all sorts of beautiful concept cars, met all sorts of cool people, and made a few bucks. All in all, a fun experience. Only downside, the concept cars will never be made, which sucks, cause I fell in love with a Chrysler, believe it or not.
I have been having weird dreams. Last night I dreamt about big rigs and my Texan ex sending me a gift package. In the package was a bunch of weird little things, but there was also a book, one I have been looking for and just found recently. I have been reading this new vampire series. The first was Crimson Kiss, the second was Crimson Night and the one I just found is Crimson Shadows. So in my dream he had sent me Crimson Shadows, even though he could not possibly have known I was looking for it. Of course that struck me as odd, cause it meant that somehow we were still connected, even though we weren’t communicating. It made me realize that even though him and I are not close anymore, we will prolly always be connected on some other level. That happens to me with certain people. Spooky.
Strega is screaming at me to pet her, brat. Now she just bit me, bigger brat.
Kisses
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