Catching Up

My life can be so weird. Let me start off a few days ago. I was hanging out at Carmen's on Tuesday. Q was having their annual Thanksgiving Party (which is a really small group of people outside of the employees, the employees and their dates) and Carmen and I were getting ready at her house. It was about 8:30 when the phone rang. I picked it up, a girl asked for Carmen and I asked who it was; it was a woman I had not spoken to in over a year. She and I had once been friends, but I hurt her deeply and we had only seen each other twice since then. I have thought many times that I need to figure out how to make amends, but I have yet figured out how you properly apologize for betraying someone's trust and then dodging it for a year. So, suffice to say, I was a little nervous when I handed the phone off to Carmen and she found out that this woman was having serious trouble with her boyfriend. They had broken up (and I am pleased to say that they have worked it out since then) and she needed her friends to rally behind her. I told Carmen I would go home and let them have the evening together but Carmen insisted that I should stay and that we would all be fine. She was right. Although it was a little awkward in the beginning, we ended up having a really nice evening at Q, with an open bar and a full crab fest; we all just ate and laughed and drank and had a really good time. The woman and I even talked some, had some jokes, and relaxed around one another. At the end of the night she told me she would like to get together to talk sometime and try to get past, well, the past. I think this is a really good idea. I will be calling her soon to hang out.

Skip ahead to Wednesday night. I spent HOURS baking. I made a Pumpkin Pie, a Peach Cobbler, a Pecan Pie, and something called a Pumpkin Crumble. I was up until one AM baking. Then up the next morning topping everything off. On Thanksgiving we went to my sisters house. Carmen and I got there early to help set up. We only had 20 people this year so it was nicely spaced out. We had a great evening. We had wonderful food and great company. All I can really say is that I felt something missing, or rather three something's missing all night. I had Carmen there, and all my family, but I was really missing the three I had with me last year. I can honestly say that last year was my favorite Thanksgiving ever. This year was lovely, but I ached inside for the missing ones.

Woke up late today and headed to my dad's house to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. Again we feasted on crab. It has been a very yummy week. We exchanged gifts and hung out just chatting up politics. Always at dads house...we also went through the photo album from my brother Hunter's Barmitvah. Wow, I take some scary pictures, damn. There were a few great ones with Andrew and Doug that I requested copes of for my site. I should have them around New Years. I also ordered a ton of Andrew with Madison and Austin and Hunter. I had to get my share of those, man I miss Andrew. I feel like I lost my kid. My friends make fun of me, but I can't help it.

I went home after that to pick up my kitty Max from the vet. He had major surgery and was just allowed to return home this evening. I wanted to go out with my friends tonight but he needed me here to be with him so I am kicking it in my house for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow is a surprise party for a friend of mine who just passed the bar and then a tree-trimming party at Ritchie and Jerry's. The fun never stops, and damn I am tired.

What's Your Goddess Identity?

Siren

Like the beautiful sea mermaids who've swum before you, Siren, you certainly have a way of drawing people in. Whether wooing a crush with your alluring voice or impressing someone with your unique take on the world, you're sure to captivate more than your share of audiences.

It must be the balance between your glittering personality and your individual style that keeps friends and family enamored by your presence. From being able to predict next season's "it" color to pairing leopard print with plaid before it hits the pages of Vogue, people see you as a fashion goddess. You may not want to admit it, but you're part trendsetter and people look to you for direction.

Of course, you know there's more to life than shopping for the latest adorable accessory. You pursue success in all aspects of life — from offering creative insights at work to running marathons. You have big dreams, Siren, and by keeping them in sharp focus, you're sure to come out a winner.

Try them!

Down With The Sickness

Pet sickness, does it ever end? We lost our iguana last Thursday. It was awful. Jubilee was about 8. She had always been pretty healthy. Over the last month though, she wasn't doing too well. She was Lura's baby, not really mine at all, but I had lived with her for three years and loved her dearly. She will be missed in a big way. On the kitty front, Max, my baby, is in surgery tonight. $2000 later...

Mary and I through a surprise birthday party for Carmen on Friday. She turned 28 (oh my god). We spent the whole day lying to poor Carmen, trying to find excuses for not seeing her so we could get the party together. She got a little miffed that no one seemed to want to hang out with her that day, but she got over it quickly when she walked into the Shannon Arms to a big old party just for her. She drank a lot and was very cute. Mary was my hero, without her it NEVER would have happened. God I love that girl.

Last night we had a birthday gathering at Carmen's mom's house. It is in Alameda, right next door to my most recent exes old house. Driving there was sad for me. Seeing his apartment lights on was spooky. Someone else is living in the apartment I spent almost a year sleeping at. Odd. The dinner, however, was awesome. We had fresh cracked crabs. A ton of them. We pigged out. It was so yummy. We ate until we cried, can't beat that with a stick. I was so tired when I finally got home I just curled up with Strega (my on-loan kitty) and passed out. I didn't wake until noon today, then I rushed my Max to the vet.

Speaking of exes...I have talked to my ex (the one with the new girl) twice this week. That is a record. We have had some of the nicest conversations since we broke up. It makes me happy to be able to reconnect with him. We weren't the healthiest couple on the planet, but we loved each other immensely and I am so pleased that we can finally talk. I hope eventually we can even hang out. How mature of us.

I haven't heard anything on the job front. It isn't surprising, just a drag. I don't really want to start work until after the New Year, but it would be great to have it all lined up. It would nice to spend the month traveling a little, seeing people over the holidays and so on.

This will be the first year in nine that I have been dateless at Thanksgiving. Kinda nice since last year my date didn't help cook, ate a bunch and proceeded to fall asleep on the couch without helping clean up...men, I tell ya.

I have been really happy lately, despite all the icky things that keep happening. Carmen tells me that as time passes, it all gets easier to deal with, and she is right. You forget that sometimes. Life is wonderful and I intend to grasp that to the fullest.

The Hunt Continues

Interviews, oh the joy. I had an interview with Sodexho on Friday. It went incredibly well. I think the job would suit me. It is a Senior HR Manager for the Senior Services department. I would be supporting two VP's, have eight DM's working for me and be traveling to eight different states on a regular basis. Kinda cool. I will find out more in the next week or so.

Lura and I signed a lease on a new place at 26th and California. It is an amazing, huge, two bedroom flat with an all new kitchen and bathroom; stained glass doors, walk-in closets, refinished hardwood floors, and tons of light. We move on December 15th so keep an eye out for the housewarming invites.

My weekend was grand. Spent it with Carmen again. We had a really good time hanging out with friends, shopping, eating, sleeping late. Carmen got a second kitten, six months old, feral. We went all over the place to name her and in the end Carmen is calling her Anowl (as in an owl, which is what she looks like.) She is really cute.

I spoke with my ex, the one with the new girlfriend. He is a funny one. He was afraid to call me. When he finally did I told him that I know he has a new girl and I am happy for him. I want him to be happy, and I want to be his friend. We shall see if he wants the same.

Things seem really good right now. I feel complete, happy, serene. I don't know exactly why, I just know I feel safe and loved. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me, I am very lucky to have you all.

Lonesome tears
I can't cry them anymore
I can't think of what they're for
Oh they ruin me every time

But I'll try
And leave behind some days
These tears just can't erase
I don't need them anymore

How could this love ever-turning
Never turn its eye on me?
How could this love ever-changing
Never change the way I feel?

Lazy sun
Your eyes catch the light
With the promises that might
Come true for a while

Oh I'll ride
Farther than I should
Harder than I could
Just to meet you there

How could this love ever-turning
Never turn its eye on me?
How could this love ever-changing
Never change the way the feel?

•Beck - Lonesome Tears


I've seen the end of the day come too soon
Not a lot to say, not a lot to do
You played the game, you owe nothing to yourself
Rest a day, for tomorrow you can't tell
You can't tell

I've seen the end of the day come too late
Seen the love you had turning into hate
Had to act like I didn't even care
But I did so I got stranded standing there
Standing there

It's nothing that I haven't seen before
But it still kills me like it did before
No it's nothing that I haven't seen before
But it still kills me like it did before

I've seen the end of the day come too soon
Like the prison dogs they set out after you
You owe nothing to the past but wasted time
To serve a sentence that was only in your mind
In your mind

It's nothing that I haven't seen before
But it still kills me like it did before
No it's nothing that I haven't seen before
But it still kills me like it did before

•Beck - End of the Day

Good Days Too

There are some really good days too. Paulie took Carmen, Lura and I to the Q Ball last night. First of all, THANK YOU PAULIE. You are always so kind and loving and generous. We had an amazing time. Andy and Brinn, the owners of Q went all out for our fun. The general theme was French. We had a four course meal. Each meal had a different wine with each course. We six different performers, including a contortionist, a flame dancer and a juggler. We had the entire male wait-staff (all four of them) in drag as French whores. They had all drank a little too much wine so we got to see a lot of frilly little panties on really hairy legs! It was brilliant.

I went to therapy yesterday. God I love doing that. It is so good for me. Makes me all warm and fuzzy. Janell is a real power force in my life. She is so supportive and caring. I just can't say enough nice things about her. That being said, she and I walked through some of the items form my last posting. All of the above, it is dead on. But here's the catch, the man I spent the last year with, I am still in love with him. I know he would prefer that I was not, but I can't really control that. It was a rebound thing for sure. Him and I both had just left relationships and we were scared. We needed to feel like we could achieve something right, something real. And we did, as friends. Our timing was awful. We needed to be there for each other in a different way, but we thought we knew what we were doing. We learned quickly that we were wrong, but I wasn't ready to face that at the time.

I am sure over time my feelings will soften and I will not feel as strongly as I do now, but for now, the feelings are there and I just have to live with them. I think he is a wonderful man, someone I could spend my life with, as a friend, as a lover, as a companion. It may well be that that is not in the cards for us and I will have to move on, but in my heart, there is a flame that resides for him and him alone. I guess we will have to just wait and see how it all plays out. I am no longer in a rush to make it work. I am completely at peace with letting things fall into place as they will. It is one of those things that will work itself out the way it is supposed to and I am prepared to let the universe own it.

Present Tense

OK, so it isn't always pleasant. I always freak right out when I find myself dwelling in the past. My ex and I broke up over a year ago. I actually left him, if we are being honest; but yesterday when I found out he had a new girlfriend it really wrecked me. At first it was an intense longing to be with him. Then, as the smoke cleared, I realized it was just a desire to be loved. A fear of being alone. And as I looked at these things it struck me that I had spent the last year of my life chasing some one who did not love me (like all romantically and such) because I was trying to process the last seven (count em) seven years with my ex. Granted, the man I spent the last year with, I love him dearly, but had I NOT just left a relationship, would I have clung so desperately to the new one? I somehow doubt it. I put myself second with this new "love" because I so wanted it to be the right one. I wanted to settle down with him, spend all my days with him. I wanted to make him happy, show him how perfect our love could be, help heal him from all his past hurts, but in the process of trying to "help" him, I hurt myself. I didn't see that all my efforts were for naught. He is a wonderful person, and I am sure he will find that one person in life that fits him in all ways, I am just not the one.

I see life as a challenge, I like being special, I enjoy debating, I think that not having the same beliefs as the next person makes life so much fun. Being different leaves me room to do the few things in life that are important to me; grow and learn and love.

So what is next for this Princess? I have no idea. I went to therapy today and we have decided to focus on self-image and self-esteem. I have my first meditation class on Saturday. I am going to start Yoga at home, until I am comfortable with the idea of it. Just a few things to join my mind and soul. As for my ex...I still love him so I want him to be happy. I just wish his happiness didn't hurt so much, that would rule.

Tattoos Tattoos

Tattoos tattoos....Ahhh new tattoos are good for the soul. Whenever I get my heart broken or have a big change in my life I get a new tattoo. Poor Carmen, I make her do it too. Not that she really minds, she gets a nice new tat for free this time, only cause I know how hard it is to just watch. So we went to Moms, and let our bodies be abused by Henry. He is a doll, except when I am whining about the pain and he is yelling at me to "TAKE IT ALL BITCH". It makes Carmen giggle, it makes me shut up. So what did we get, you ask? Well, Carmen got a wonderful dragon on her right upper thigh. It is mostly black work with some pink highlights. It is really lovely. And me, well I always chose something that will remind me of the "time". So I got a flaming heart. It is beautiful, colorful and crowned! I will try to get pics up ASAP. In the meantime, just pretend you can see can see our creamy white thighs all colorful and pretty.

My weekend was awesome. I stayed with Carmen all weekend and hung out with Livia and Mary too. Friday night we went to Jerry and Ritchies for a dinner celebration. After eight months, Jerry finally got a job and we get to keep him here in the Bay Area (unlike most of our friends) so we celebrated with food and WAY too much beer. I was the responsible one, I didn't drink, I just watched everyone get fucked up and laughed. They were so awesome. I haven't laughed like that in SO long. I have missed them a lot over the last year while I was in my emotional coma. My own fault, I know, but still...

We didn't get home until after 3 AM so I was wiped out on Saturday. Carmen and I went to Mills College (where Carmen attends) to run a short experiment for her thesis. It was fun. She is super smart girl! We then went to get the above-mentioned tattoos. It was totally spur of the moment, must do something new to my body kinda thing. We were done by 7 o'clock, went to pick up Livia and went to Carmen's place to make dinner. She cooked (that's twice in a weeks time) and Mary joined us. We had a nice time just cooking and chatting. Carmen and Livia had a performance at the Justice League for Capoeira. I was so wiped out I stayed at Carmen's with Mary and we chatted it up till midnight. We prolly could have talked all night, but both of us figured it was wiser to get some sleep.

Slept late on Sunday, woke up to Carmen and Livia giggling in her living room. We had breakfast and hung out. Showered and headed out. Picked up Paulie and hung out some more. Sunday night we went to Paul's house to watch last weeks Buffy (thank you Emerson and Tivo). Fun episode, especially Willow (mmmm Willow). Carmen was beat (and so was I) so we went back to her place to get to bed early. It was all warm and cozy and safe.

So that was my weekend. Very nice, funny, painful, colorful and wonderful. My friends are the best. They love me and take care of me and make me happy, am I fucking lucky or what?

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way?
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin', It ain't workin' (No, it ain't workin')
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy, this is crazy (This is crazy, uh-huh!)

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself?
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we've got to do
You let go, and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin', It ain't workin' (It ain't workin' !)
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy, this is crazy

Care for me, care for me!
I know you care for me!
There for me, there for me!
Said you'd be there for me!
Cry for me, cry for me!
Why won’t you cry for me?
Die for me, die for me!
You said you'd die for me!
Give to me, give to me!
Why won't you live for me?!

•Lauren Hill - Ex-Factor


You don't know how you met me
You don't know why, you cant turn around and say good-bye
All you know is when im with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

And I worry 'bout the ring you wear
Cause as long as no one knows
That nobody can care
Your fellin guilty
And I'm well aware
But you don't look ashamed
And baby I'm not scared
Im singin...

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Won't give you money
I can't give you the sky
It better off if you don't ask why
I'm not the reason that you go stranded
We'll be alright if you don't ask me to stay

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why, you cant turn around and say good-bye
All you know is when I'm with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

•Uncle Kracker - Follow Me

Loyalty

So loyalty...everyone feels differently about this subject. No one person is wrong or right, the dictionaries definition is so-so, and seeing as how most people can't agree on what restaurant to eat at, I doubt that you can get two people to agree on what loyalty means. And yet I seem to put a lot of weight on the word. I ask people to be loyal to me. I demand, at times, that they be so. But if I cannot really say what loyalty means to me, how can I expect to understand what others think about it?

Assuming loyalty from some one you don't even know is a mistake. I have discovered, in my short years, that most people won't remain true to you. Women in particular, if they want what you have, well they will stab you in the back very easily to obtain it. So is this karmic justice? Perhaps. One thing I know is that the friends I have, I know what to expect of them. Letting some one new in means taking my time, not assuming everyone is as “loyal” as my current friends.
I tend to trust really easily, put my life on a plate, and let others pick it over. Here’s the mistake I am making: most (not all) people who don’t know you, they don’t care if they hurt you. They are looking out for their interest alone. Some would say that this is how you can get through life, that you are your number one priority, and although there is some truth to that, it is not absolute. I am a firm believer that what comes around goes around (see paragraph two) and if you place everyone on the same level, you will treat people how you wish to be treated. If you can’t do this, well, I suppose you will see what happens.

They were both young
He believed in himself only
In his oversize Dickeys cinched up way high
She lived in her books and fantasies
They both searched for some sort of loyalty
When they made love begged each other just don’t betray me

Come be with me
Soothe my broken heart
Show me loyalty

Her mother’s heart has been shattered
Told her daughter to beware
But secrets and dreams you should never share
Trust only in change ‘cause hearts change
But betrayal always feels the same
But with him she found loyalty

Come be with me
Soothe my broken heart
Show me loyalty

‘Cause like a child you will never want for love
‘Cause all that I have I give to you
Come and take my hand and share my life with me
‘Cause you are my soul and I will always love you

Come be with me
Soothe my broken heart
Show me loyalty

I’ll be there for you
Right there for you

Come be with me
Soothe my broken heart
Show me loyalty

•MeShell NdegeOcello - Loyalty

In The Beginning...

Starting this is difficult. I haven't kept a journal in years, much less one others could read. It is kind of a hard time to start this. Broken hearted, on the depressed side, jobless, wanting to move, missing him, lonely; yep this is a time when most people are going to read my journal and call my therapist to make sure I am making my appointments. Be assured, I am. Taking my Prozac too! Life is silly.

It has been a rough year, I lost my little sister to suicide, lost my aunt to cancer, lost my future ex-husband to Texas. I know all the pain and sadness will pass, but some mornings I really wonder. So what can I do to feel better, well I can stop dating for a long time, I can exercise (yoga, kickboxing/marital art), I can eat right, I can volunteer my time until I find a job (SPCA, Breast Cancer Association) and I can meditate. These things I know will help me feel better. Now if I can just get out of bed.

Oh and looking for a job, it sucks. I look everyday; Craigslist, Hotjobs, Dice, Monster, Careerbuilder; you name it, I try it. I am also with a handful of agencies and headhunters. It's the times. Everyone I know has been laid off and is either serving coffee or moving away, both options make me cringe. That's not to say I wont serve coffee, I just prefer to work at a career level (whatever that means). I am good at what I do too (HR) but that doesn't matter, so is everyone else.

So what is next you ask (ok, maybe you didn't, but I will tell you anyway)? I live my life. I learn to respect myself, find my self-esteem, and move on. It sounds simple perhaps, but I have never looked at my life like this before. It has always been about someone else, now it is all about me, and I can not tell you how scary that is. Wish me luck.

Your sorry eyes, cut through the bone
They make it hard, to leave you alone
Leave you here, wearing your wounds
Waving your guns, at somebody new

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people, you used to know
They see you coming, they see you go
They know your secrets, and you know their
This town is crazy; nobody cares

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

There's a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one left to watch your back now
No one standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

•Beck - Lost Cause


One morning I woke up and I knew
You were really gone
A new day, a new way,
I knew I should see it along
Go your way, I'll go mine and
Carry on

The sky is clearing and the night
Has gone out
The sun, he come, the world is all full of light
Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but
To carry on

The fortunes of fables are able
To sing the song
Now witness the quickness with which
We get along
To sing the blues you've got to live the tunes and
Carry on

Carry on
Love is coming
Love is coming to us all

Where are you going now my love?
Where will you be tomorrow?
Will you bring me happiness?
Will you bring me sorrow?
Oh, the questions of a thousand dreams
What you do and what you see
Lover can you talk to me?

Boy when I was on my own
Chasing you down
What was it made you run?
Trying your best just to get around.
The questions of a thousand dreams
What you do and what you see
Lover can you talk to me?

•Steven Stills - Carry On