What a great evening. Paulie and I went to dinner together. The first time in years it has just been him and I. We met at his house and then went to Q for dinner. We talked for about two hours before I dragged him back to the Hayseed House to watch Buffy on TIVO. His eyes did not bleed, and he actually laughed a little. Mostly when people were slapping other people, which makes me wonder what kind of pr()n Paulie is into...
Carmen has been gone since Saturday and I miss her something awful. Mary has been an awesome companion and I love her dearly for holding my hand this first week back in SF. She is so much fun to be around and such a love. I am glad we have finally become better friends.
Our house is still a mess. We have no kitchen, and only a partial bathroom. So everything is still packed and I am starting to get annoyed. I can't use my new living room or dining room and the fridge is still in the hallway (which is better than Lura’s bedroom, where it started out.) The guy who is working on our place is really nice, but it is supposed to be done already and it is looking like it may be another couple of weeks. I am thinking this may be illegal so let the complaining begin.
Kisses
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Sunday, December 15, 2002
Alls Well That Ends Well
So we are in, sorta. The place is a mess. We have no kitchen, no bathroom sink, and our fridge is in the dining room...we will survive, but I sure wish they would hustle.
My ex came over today. It is the first time I have seen him in seven months. He came over to help take care of me, I have a bad fever, but we ended up, ummm, fooling around a bit. Not the smartest thing I have ever done, but it was nice. I do miss him. He is still lovely, sexy, funny, and pretty damn hot. We should be focusing on our friendship, but the chemistry is intense.
I took Carmen to the airport on Saturday morning at 5:00 AM. We went to bed at 2:30, got up at 4:15, I am a wreck. I think it is why I am so sick. I was already walking the recovery line, I blew it. I was supposed to see Peter Gabriel tonight, my fever kept me in bed instead. Lame, I was really excited about that show.
I have to go back to Oakland tomorrow to clear out any sign that we were ever there. I don't feel well and I don't want to do it, just being honest, I have no desire to drive over, load up my car and clean the house, then drive back and put it all away. I just wanna be done and focusing on the new place. Gotta be an adult I suppose, but sometimes it sucks.
Kisses
My ex came over today. It is the first time I have seen him in seven months. He came over to help take care of me, I have a bad fever, but we ended up, ummm, fooling around a bit. Not the smartest thing I have ever done, but it was nice. I do miss him. He is still lovely, sexy, funny, and pretty damn hot. We should be focusing on our friendship, but the chemistry is intense.
I took Carmen to the airport on Saturday morning at 5:00 AM. We went to bed at 2:30, got up at 4:15, I am a wreck. I think it is why I am so sick. I was already walking the recovery line, I blew it. I was supposed to see Peter Gabriel tonight, my fever kept me in bed instead. Lame, I was really excited about that show.
I have to go back to Oakland tomorrow to clear out any sign that we were ever there. I don't feel well and I don't want to do it, just being honest, I have no desire to drive over, load up my car and clean the house, then drive back and put it all away. I just wanna be done and focusing on the new place. Gotta be an adult I suppose, but sometimes it sucks.
Kisses
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Movin' on up
Tomorrow is the big day. Lura and I will be moving back to San Francisco first thing in the morning. It has been six years since I moved to the East Bay, I think I am ready to be in SF again. Let's hope I am right.
Our phone and DSL will not be installed until 12/13 so it will be a few days. My cell is always a good way to reach me, so feel free to call. Just remember, if you call and you are local, you may be asked to come help...heh.
I have been working through alot of things lately. Trying to clean up a mess I made, trying to let people know I love them and am here for them, but it is really hard. I know I can only do so much but I never feel like it is enough. Maybe it is just me and I need to relax a little, but thats' not the feeling I get.
Recently I found out that someone I love lied to me. It hurt me quite a bit to find out about this persons dishonesty, but it also made me think. I trusted this person without fail. I believed in this persons integrity, and they were not true. I need to be careful with whom I put my trust in. People will say almost anything to avoid conflict, even something that is untrue. So I have decided that, for the meantime, I will not put myself out there to be lied to. If you have been dishonest with me once, I am sure you will do it again, so why bother.
I don't mean to sound bitter, I am just tired of doing everything for everyone else and not being true to myself. Things have got to change, and it starts with me.
Kisses
Our phone and DSL will not be installed until 12/13 so it will be a few days. My cell is always a good way to reach me, so feel free to call. Just remember, if you call and you are local, you may be asked to come help...heh.
I have been working through alot of things lately. Trying to clean up a mess I made, trying to let people know I love them and am here for them, but it is really hard. I know I can only do so much but I never feel like it is enough. Maybe it is just me and I need to relax a little, but thats' not the feeling I get.
Recently I found out that someone I love lied to me. It hurt me quite a bit to find out about this persons dishonesty, but it also made me think. I trusted this person without fail. I believed in this persons integrity, and they were not true. I need to be careful with whom I put my trust in. People will say almost anything to avoid conflict, even something that is untrue. So I have decided that, for the meantime, I will not put myself out there to be lied to. If you have been dishonest with me once, I am sure you will do it again, so why bother.
I don't mean to sound bitter, I am just tired of doing everything for everyone else and not being true to myself. Things have got to change, and it starts with me.
Kisses
Sunday, December 08, 2002
Get Your Cotton Candy Here
So I took Pea to Cirque du Soleil today. OMG, that is one of the most amazing shows on the planet. There were acrobats, singers, comedians, jugglers, and on and on. We ohhh and awed our way through the show, clapping till our hands hurt. I suggest everyone go see this if they can.
I spent last night with Mary, Carmen, Neil, Paul, Katie, Zoey, and Emmit (he came late and moved a few boxes) packing my house up. I can not thank them enough for helping me out. We would never have been ready on time to move on Wednesday if they hadn't offered to help us. They worked so hard, and I paid them with just some pizza and cokes, good people I tell ya.
Lura and I took a side trip to Ikea. I picked up a TV stand for my room and a few shelving units. Now all we need are a few bookcases and some bathroom storage thingy's and we should be complete. I am really excited to be moving back to San Francisco. Our home will be warm and cozy, and all of you are welcome to come on over, anytime.
Kisses
I spent last night with Mary, Carmen, Neil, Paul, Katie, Zoey, and Emmit (he came late and moved a few boxes) packing my house up. I can not thank them enough for helping me out. We would never have been ready on time to move on Wednesday if they hadn't offered to help us. They worked so hard, and I paid them with just some pizza and cokes, good people I tell ya.
Lura and I took a side trip to Ikea. I picked up a TV stand for my room and a few shelving units. Now all we need are a few bookcases and some bathroom storage thingy's and we should be complete. I am really excited to be moving back to San Francisco. Our home will be warm and cozy, and all of you are welcome to come on over, anytime.
Kisses
Saturday, December 07, 2002
Tolerance For Intolerance
I have been a bad girl. No postings in over a week. Been kinda busy, and a little lazy I guess. Lura and I are moving on Wednesday, so there is a ton of things that need to be done. Our house is such a wreck it is hard to want to be home. I look around and it makes me tired. Everything is falling apart since we are in such disarray and as a Virgo, it is making me a little crazy. I am so overwhelmed at the moment, I just want to curl up in bed and ignore it all. BUT instead, I think I will plan it all out and get moving when I am done here.
I have been sick for a couple of weeks now. I can't seem to kick this achy feeling in my body, which isn't helping me to do the things I need to do. I need to find work is what I need to do. I am going stir crazy at this point. I have had a few good phone interviews, but nothing's biting so far. I have decided that once I move, all I am going to do is look. I will work retail for now if need be, unemployment isn't cutting it. Next Friday I am meeting with an agency that places people with law firms. The position I am applying for pays between $100-$150k a year. I nearly choked when she told me. It is a really senior position with the firm, something I could really dig. Not just the senior title and the huge pay, but the law firm in general, seeing as how I would like to go to law school at some point. I will not get my hopes up, but I will wow them if given the chance.
So I was at a bar with friends last night. The Shannon Arms (duh) after a nice Indian dinner with Carmen, Livia, Mary, and Emmit. Emmit's folks own the Shannon so it is the place to go, smoke, drink tea (they are from Ireland, there is ALWAYS tea brewing) and just fuck around with friends. Paul Alaga, Neil, Kelly and Jarred joined us. Kelly and Paul are a new item, so they were in their own world, Jarred has the hots for Livia, so they were pretty focused, Emmit was sorta working, so he was off doing his thing, which left Mary, Carmen, Neil and I to talk. Neil is kind of a new comer for me. Carmen has hung out with him a bit, but I have talked to him maybe 3 or 4 times. He is 26 (way too young for me), Irish-American, and really really cute. He kinda knocked me to the floor when I first saw him. But him being 26 meant he wasn't someone I would even consider for anything more than a buddy. My days of being with youngin's is over. Anyway, Carmen likes Neil, which is another reason not to be bothered, and if I am seeing things correctly, he likes Carmen. Cool. EXCEPT for this; Mary and I decided to play 20 questions with Neil last night, just to get to know something about him. We covered all the basics, name, age, birthplace, siblings, schooling, favorite color, worst habit (which he refused to tell me for most of the night, but finally admitted was chewing tobacco). Then we went into more personal questions, more in-depth family, love life kinda things. All is well, at one point Carmen tries to stop us, thinking he is uncomfortable, but he basically says he is enjoying himself cause no one ever asks him about him. Then, because we are on a tangent about sexual issues, I make the mistake of asking him how he feels about gay men. Being as how a huge population of my friends are gay males, I kinda throw it out there thinking he will say what most San Francisco natives say, "no big deal, I have gay friends, it's all good" when instead I am hit with "It is morally wrong, the bible says so." I am dumbstruck. I am not kidding. I think my jaw hit the floor and I might have gone ashen. Here I was, hanging with this guy I think is really smart and nice and funny, AND BAM, he throws this at us. So now I have to recover, but I look at Mary and she has "Kill Faster Pussycat" in her eyes. She is gonna let him have it, and I think, "nope, can't do that, flies with sugar Mary, not vinegar." So I jump in. I ask him if he has ever hung out with gay men, and he says he would not put himself in that kind of situation. Now keep in mind, he is continuing to be a kind person, he shows no malice in this discussion, he is even apologizing for his upbringing, but that is who he is, he says, so for me, I just can not get angry. He means it, he was raised Irish Catholic, everyone in his world feels like he does, and he knows nothing else. Still, I am me, so... we must have discussed this topic for an hour. I tire of trying to make him see what I believe to be RIGHT (heh), and let Carmen take over with an entirely different line of questioning, and I just sit back and relax. He had made the statement that more people in this world feel like he does, and the sad truth is, he is right. Most people hate one group or another, most people aren't color blind, most people do not mind their own business, but see it as their job to judge and place themselves above other people, I think mostly out of fear, but for whatever reason, they do it and I can not change the world. I can, however make a conscious decision to not participate in such hateful endeavors and to live my life with love in my heart, even for those that do not think the way I do. As far as Neil goes, he really is a nice kid, he was just raised with some unfortunate ideas (just my personal opinion mind you) and if I chose to be friends with him, perhaps I can open his world a little. We shall see.
That being said (in short hand, believe me) I drove Mary and Livia home. Mary told me she was proud and impressed with the way I conversed with Neil. She said she wanted to tear into him, but was really amazed at how I handled him. That made me feel good. Like I could have been a bitch, but I just needed to see what he was about. In the end, even when I do not like what I am hearing, I feel the need to explore these things. Just my nature I suppose.
Kisses
I lie awake
I’ve gone to ground
I’m watching porn
In my hotel dressing gown
Now I dream of you
But I still believe
There’s only enough for one in this
Lonely hotel suite
The journey’s long
And it feels so bad
I’m thinking back to the last day we had.
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I’ll be back with you
I’m nearly with you
I’m nearly with you
When I’m weak I draw strength from you
And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood
And when I’m down you breathe life over me
Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny
On a clear day
I’ll fly home to you
I’m bending time getting back to you
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I’ll be back with you
I’m nearly with you
I’m nearly with you
When I’m weak I draw strength from you
And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood
And when I’m down you breathe life over me
Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny
When I’m weak I draw strength from you
And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood
And when I’m down you breathe life over me
Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny
I’ll fly, I’ll fly home
I’ll fly home and I’ll fly home
•Zero 7 - Destiny
I have been sick for a couple of weeks now. I can't seem to kick this achy feeling in my body, which isn't helping me to do the things I need to do. I need to find work is what I need to do. I am going stir crazy at this point. I have had a few good phone interviews, but nothing's biting so far. I have decided that once I move, all I am going to do is look. I will work retail for now if need be, unemployment isn't cutting it. Next Friday I am meeting with an agency that places people with law firms. The position I am applying for pays between $100-$150k a year. I nearly choked when she told me. It is a really senior position with the firm, something I could really dig. Not just the senior title and the huge pay, but the law firm in general, seeing as how I would like to go to law school at some point. I will not get my hopes up, but I will wow them if given the chance.
So I was at a bar with friends last night. The Shannon Arms (duh) after a nice Indian dinner with Carmen, Livia, Mary, and Emmit. Emmit's folks own the Shannon so it is the place to go, smoke, drink tea (they are from Ireland, there is ALWAYS tea brewing) and just fuck around with friends. Paul Alaga, Neil, Kelly and Jarred joined us. Kelly and Paul are a new item, so they were in their own world, Jarred has the hots for Livia, so they were pretty focused, Emmit was sorta working, so he was off doing his thing, which left Mary, Carmen, Neil and I to talk. Neil is kind of a new comer for me. Carmen has hung out with him a bit, but I have talked to him maybe 3 or 4 times. He is 26 (way too young for me), Irish-American, and really really cute. He kinda knocked me to the floor when I first saw him. But him being 26 meant he wasn't someone I would even consider for anything more than a buddy. My days of being with youngin's is over. Anyway, Carmen likes Neil, which is another reason not to be bothered, and if I am seeing things correctly, he likes Carmen. Cool. EXCEPT for this; Mary and I decided to play 20 questions with Neil last night, just to get to know something about him. We covered all the basics, name, age, birthplace, siblings, schooling, favorite color, worst habit (which he refused to tell me for most of the night, but finally admitted was chewing tobacco). Then we went into more personal questions, more in-depth family, love life kinda things. All is well, at one point Carmen tries to stop us, thinking he is uncomfortable, but he basically says he is enjoying himself cause no one ever asks him about him. Then, because we are on a tangent about sexual issues, I make the mistake of asking him how he feels about gay men. Being as how a huge population of my friends are gay males, I kinda throw it out there thinking he will say what most San Francisco natives say, "no big deal, I have gay friends, it's all good" when instead I am hit with "It is morally wrong, the bible says so." I am dumbstruck. I am not kidding. I think my jaw hit the floor and I might have gone ashen. Here I was, hanging with this guy I think is really smart and nice and funny, AND BAM, he throws this at us. So now I have to recover, but I look at Mary and she has "Kill Faster Pussycat" in her eyes. She is gonna let him have it, and I think, "nope, can't do that, flies with sugar Mary, not vinegar." So I jump in. I ask him if he has ever hung out with gay men, and he says he would not put himself in that kind of situation. Now keep in mind, he is continuing to be a kind person, he shows no malice in this discussion, he is even apologizing for his upbringing, but that is who he is, he says, so for me, I just can not get angry. He means it, he was raised Irish Catholic, everyone in his world feels like he does, and he knows nothing else. Still, I am me, so... we must have discussed this topic for an hour. I tire of trying to make him see what I believe to be RIGHT (heh), and let Carmen take over with an entirely different line of questioning, and I just sit back and relax. He had made the statement that more people in this world feel like he does, and the sad truth is, he is right. Most people hate one group or another, most people aren't color blind, most people do not mind their own business, but see it as their job to judge and place themselves above other people, I think mostly out of fear, but for whatever reason, they do it and I can not change the world. I can, however make a conscious decision to not participate in such hateful endeavors and to live my life with love in my heart, even for those that do not think the way I do. As far as Neil goes, he really is a nice kid, he was just raised with some unfortunate ideas (just my personal opinion mind you) and if I chose to be friends with him, perhaps I can open his world a little. We shall see.
That being said (in short hand, believe me) I drove Mary and Livia home. Mary told me she was proud and impressed with the way I conversed with Neil. She said she wanted to tear into him, but was really amazed at how I handled him. That made me feel good. Like I could have been a bitch, but I just needed to see what he was about. In the end, even when I do not like what I am hearing, I feel the need to explore these things. Just my nature I suppose.
Kisses
I lie awake
I’ve gone to ground
I’m watching porn
In my hotel dressing gown
Now I dream of you
But I still believe
There’s only enough for one in this
Lonely hotel suite
The journey’s long
And it feels so bad
I’m thinking back to the last day we had.
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I’ll be back with you
I’m nearly with you
I’m nearly with you
When I’m weak I draw strength from you
And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood
And when I’m down you breathe life over me
Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny
On a clear day
I’ll fly home to you
I’m bending time getting back to you
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I’ll be back with you
I’m nearly with you
I’m nearly with you
When I’m weak I draw strength from you
And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood
And when I’m down you breathe life over me
Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny
When I’m weak I draw strength from you
And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood
And when I’m down you breathe life over me
Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny
I’ll fly, I’ll fly home
I’ll fly home and I’ll fly home
•Zero 7 - Destiny
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