Hail Mary Full of Grace

Grace and I finally spent some quality time together. I had my first lesson at Jackson Arms with the gentle, yet slightly goofy, McKee.  Our date started with gun safety then moved on to the repetitive task of locking, loading, chambering, unloading, reloading, aiming, breathing and pretending to shoot.  That lasted about 30 minutes and it was on to playing dress up.  

In my sassy clear glasses and my slightly spongy ear muffs we moved on to the range.  McKee offered me a myriad of targets to choose from; Zombie Lil, Zombie John, Victim Sarah held by Zombie Lil, Victim Sam held by Zombie John....you get the idea, Zombies are very popular on the range.

In the end I chose a simple target with a tiny little green dot in the middle and 5 circles working their way out to the non-safety zone.  McKee explained that the green dot was an A++ and as you moved out it went down from there.  He then asked me what kind of grades I got in school. I just stared at my shoes.  

McKee shot the first round out of Grace and I jumped.  She is extremely loud and the shell came out of the chamber and bopped me on the head.  Who knew?  Once he showed me the "stance" he had me take aim and take my first shot.  I am pretty sure I closed my eyes because I hit the target on the 5 and stomped my foot.  Seeing my childish reaction he had me reload and refocus, hold a half breath and slowly squeeze.  This time I hit the 3.  A solid C.  The flash from a .45 is very bright and the shell hit me in the shoulder this time.  

He then had me load three bullets.  This time I shot double-action.  A lot harder and a lot longer before Grace went BOOM and the sizzling shell flew straight down my shirt and I did what is referred to as the "hot breast dance".  I did manage to set my gun down safely before I performed my jig.  Points for me and applause from my fellow rangers.

I went back to single action and I began to get closer to the green dot.  I was earning a B+ when McKee asked me if I was an over-achiever in high school and if all the boys followed me around like little puppy dogs.  Why yes and yes, I was and they did.  After that my shots went to shit.  Besides the fact that I had already spent 80 rounds and my arm was on fire, he pumped up my ego and that always trips me up.  By the 100th round I am pretty sure I hit the target in the lane next to mine. No one mentioned it. 

As I was checking out I asked McKee what he shot.  A Glock 9 of course.  I asked him why and he said "when you get older it just gets harder to shoot .45's.  It tires you out really quickly." So glad my first gun is a cannon.

xoks

What Could Have Been

Today is a touchy day for me.  An anniversary date that only existed in my head. Something I celebrated silently, often with much sadness. I know that time heals. But how long will I continue to count the actual days?

xoks

Se7en

I am on a little break.  I am taking seven days to do some reflecting and grounding.  The greatest impact is on my dating life.  I am not texting, IMing, emailing, Facebooking (them anyway) or taking calls.  

This has posed a little challenge for me.  I only informed one person that I am seeing that I am on this hiatus.  He was very supportive, as his has been with most things in my life, but it left a few others in the dark.  So far I have counted six missed calls, 18 ignored texts and nine neglected emails.  I committed to not contacting these men but I forgot to inform them of my mini-vacation.

So I am thinking, come Saturday, I am going to have some apologies to make.  I don't think anyone is going to be horribly upset with me but I suppose I could have planned this slightly better.  

On occasion I act impulsively - leaving some people in my life a little confused.  I don't do it on purpose; I do it to try to give myself some breathing room.  I can easily get lost in others and I am trying to recognize this quickly and act on it even faster.  Trying to stay balanced takes a lot of work.  Maybe I should have stayed in gymnastics...

xoks

I would like to order a 27 year old with a side of wtf am I doing please

I hate to admit it but I am an ageist.  But not in the traditional sense.

In my life I have generally stuck with my personal 5 up - 5 down rule with age (with the exception of my longest relationship were there was a 7 year age gap) but since all of my friends tossed that idea out the window I though why not?  A sexy dish of 27, sure, I will take it to go.

As it turns out my order was sickeningly undercooked.  The rawness of it left me feeling nauseous, soured inside.  Because in reality most 20 something boys are a mess.  

I know there is a lot to be said for whom we attract.  That if we are emotionally unhealthy then we will draw the like to us.  That being said, it is hard to see that creeping up on you.  What is much easier seems to be walking away from it.  As a 20 year old I would have worked really hard to "fix" that dish; added some salt, maybe a little butter to soften it up...in my 40's I just don't have any desire to cook anymore.  

Are the 30, 40, 50, 60 years olds any better?  Incrementally.  But lately it all seems so exhausting and pointless.  I don't want a partner, I don't want to babysit and I don't want to be in second place.  I simply want to have some fun.  It shouldn't be so difficult.

xoks

Desperately Seeking Me

My ego suffered a rather good blow today.  I didn't expect it.  I couldn't have even known it was coming because I was so enmeshed within it I was blind to the possibility.  Damn if it didn't knock me on my ass.

It isn't like I pretend that I am selfless, or that I don't know that I am fragile, but I have realized that sometimes I become so self-involved that one very small thing can take me out at the knees and my ego makes me its bitch.  

I value self-awareness more than almost anything else in the people I let into my life.  I try very hard to own my mistakes.  To look at the way I treat people, and if I feel like it isn't as kind and gentle as I need it to be, I try to correct myself immediately.  I am not perfect. Sometimes it will take me days to realize how wrong I have been and take action. I am sure there are hundreds of times I could have done "it" differently, but I make the effort everyday in hopes of one day being the person I desire to be when I grow up. 

I feel so detached from myself today that I just stare and stare in the mirror in hopes of seeing myself looking back.  Right now I simply don't know where I have disappeared to but I sure hope I can find my way back to me.

xoks