Time to gather up the splinters, build a casket for my tears

Come here
Pretty please
Can you tell me where I am?
You - won't you say something?
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lies that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Don't cry
There's always a way
Here in November in this house of leaves
We'll pray
Please, I know it's hard to believe
To see a perfect forest
Through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the promises I made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the lies that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Hallways... always
I'll always want you
I'll always need you
I'll always love you
And I will always miss you

Come here
No I won't say please
One more look at the ghost
Before I'm gonna make it leave
Come here
I've got the pieces here
Time to gather up the splinters
Build a casket for my tears

I'm haunted
(By the lives that I have loved)
I'm haunted
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echo there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune

- Poe

Hail Mary Full of Grace

Grace and I finally spent some quality time together. I had my first lesson at Jackson Arms with the gentle, yet slightly goofy, McKee.  Our date started with gun safety then moved on to the repetitive task of locking, loading, chambering, unloading, reloading, aiming, breathing and pretending to shoot.  That lasted about 30 minutes and it was on to playing dress up.  

In my sassy clear glasses and my slightly spongy ear muffs we moved on to the range.  McKee offered me a myriad of targets to choose from; Zombie Lil, Zombie John, Victim Sarah held by Zombie Lil, Victim Sam held by Zombie John....you get the idea, Zombies are very popular on the range.

In the end I chose a simple target with a tiny little green dot in the middle and 5 circles working their way out to the non-safety zone.  McKee explained that the green dot was an A++ and as you moved out it went down from there.  He then asked me what kind of grades I got in school. I just stared at my shoes.  

McKee shot the first round out of Grace and I jumped.  She is extremely loud and the shell came out of the chamber and bopped me on the head.  Who knew?  Once he showed me the "stance" he had me take aim and take my first shot.  I am pretty sure I closed my eyes because I hit the target on the 5 and stomped my foot.  Seeing my childish reaction he had me reload and refocus, hold a half breath and slowly squeeze.  This time I hit the 3.  A solid C.  The flash from a .45 is very bright and the shell hit me in the shoulder this time.  

He then had me load three bullets.  This time I shot double-action.  A lot harder and a lot longer before Grace went BOOM and the sizzling shell flew straight down my shirt and I did what is referred to as the "hot breast dance".  I did manage to set my gun down safely before I performed my jig.  Points for me and applause from my fellow rangers.

I went back to single action and I began to get closer to the green dot.  I was earning a B+ when McKee asked me if I was an over-achiever in high school and if all the boys followed me around like little puppy dogs.  Why yes and yes, I was and they did.  After that my shots went to shit.  Besides the fact that I had already spent 80 rounds and my arm was on fire, he pumped up my ego and that always trips me up.  By the 100th round I am pretty sure I hit the target in the lane next to mine. No one mentioned it. 

As I was checking out I asked McKee what he shot.  A Glock 9 of course.  I asked him why and he said "when you get older it just gets harder to shoot .45's.  It tires you out really quickly." So glad my first gun is a cannon.

xoks

What Could Have Been

Today is a touchy day for me.  An anniversary date that only existed in my head. Something I celebrated silently, often with much sadness. I know that time heals. But how long will I continue to count the actual days?

xoks

Se7en

I am on a little break.  I am taking seven days to do some reflecting and grounding.  The greatest impact is on my dating life.  I am not texting, IMing, emailing, Facebooking (them anyway) or taking calls.  

This has posed a little challenge for me.  I only informed one person that I am seeing that I am on this hiatus.  He was very supportive, as his has been with most things in my life, but it left a few others in the dark.  So far I have counted six missed calls, 18 ignored texts and nine neglected emails.  I committed to not contacting these men but I forgot to inform them of my mini-vacation.

So I am thinking, come Saturday, I am going to have some apologies to make.  I don't think anyone is going to be horribly upset with me but I suppose I could have planned this slightly better.  

On occasion I act impulsively - leaving some people in my life a little confused.  I don't do it on purpose; I do it to try to give myself some breathing room.  I can easily get lost in others and I am trying to recognize this quickly and act on it even faster.  Trying to stay balanced takes a lot of work.  Maybe I should have stayed in gymnastics...

xoks

I would like to order a 27 year old with a side of wtf am I doing please

I hate to admit it but I am an ageist.  But not in the traditional sense.

In my life I have generally stuck with my personal 5 up - 5 down rule with age (with the exception of my longest relationship were there was a 7 year age gap) but since all of my friends tossed that idea out the window I though why not?  A sexy dish of 27, sure, I will take it to go.

As it turns out my order was sickeningly undercooked.  The rawness of it left me feeling nauseous, soured inside.  Because in reality most 20 something boys are a mess.  

I know there is a lot to be said for whom we attract.  That if we are emotionally unhealthy then we will draw the like to us.  That being said, it is hard to see that creeping up on you.  What is much easier seems to be walking away from it.  As a 20 year old I would have worked really hard to "fix" that dish; added some salt, maybe a little butter to soften it up...in my 40's I just don't have any desire to cook anymore.  

Are the 30, 40, 50, 60 years olds any better?  Incrementally.  But lately it all seems so exhausting and pointless.  I don't want a partner, I don't want to babysit and I don't want to be in second place.  I simply want to have some fun.  It shouldn't be so difficult.

xoks

Desperately Seeking Me

My ego suffered a rather good blow today.  I didn't expect it.  I couldn't have even known it was coming because I was so enmeshed within it I was blind to the possibility.  Damn if it didn't knock me on my ass.

It isn't like I pretend that I am selfless, or that I don't know that I am fragile, but I have realized that sometimes I become so self-involved that one very small thing can take me out at the knees and my ego makes me its bitch.  

I value self-awareness more than almost anything else in the people I let into my life.  I try very hard to own my mistakes.  To look at the way I treat people, and if I feel like it isn't as kind and gentle as I need it to be, I try to correct myself immediately.  I am not perfect. Sometimes it will take me days to realize how wrong I have been and take action. I am sure there are hundreds of times I could have done "it" differently, but I make the effort everyday in hopes of one day being the person I desire to be when I grow up. 

I feel so detached from myself today that I just stare and stare in the mirror in hopes of seeing myself looking back.  Right now I simply don't know where I have disappeared to but I sure hope I can find my way back to me.

xoks

An Introspective View on Soothing the Savage Beast...

...also known as my bangs.

I have always loved wearing bangs.  Then I hate them.  I grow them out, then I cut them again, convincing myself I look younger and that it saves me on botox.

The issue is when my wonderful hair guru cuts my bangs they are perfect.  Smooth, rounded, Zooey Deschanel bangs.  Lightly brushing my eyelashes, making me feel like a a sweet little doe eyed girl.

Then three mornings later...I wake up with my bangs intertwined with my lashes. I can't see a thing.  They start to curl and wave and look less Zooey and more like a this girl.  Then the following ensues:

Dear Criminals,

I thought we had a deal. When your human is in a manic mood and is taking scissors to her own bangs we agreed you would NOT jump on the sink and scare the bejesus out of her causing her to now sport Girl Interrupted bangs for the next six weeks.

Sadly,

Your human waiting to be carted away to the looney bin

It's a viscous cycle.  An unbreakable chain.  My cross to bare.  Bangs; the bane of my existence. 

xoks 

Chasing the Devils Tail

I don't like games. I kinda like Cards against Humanity and I do play a mean scrabble but that is not what I am referring to here.

As I start to poke my toe in the dating pool I realize there are a lot of new rules that seem to have cropped up in the last few years.  I am a pretty straight shooter when I start seeing someone.  If there is no chemistry I simply say so.  If I want to (insert your own word here since my mom reads this) you, I will tell you.  I don't care about rules.  I don't want to waste my time or yours.

So why is it men are still unable to respond in like?  I did have a date with one man recently and we knew right away that it wasn't going anywhere.  We shook hands on it and email pleasantries to each other every now and again.  He is a really great guy but we got it, spoke about it and moved on as friends.  Why is this so difficult?  And if you want to (insert your own word here since my other mom also reads this) me, just say so.  The worst that can happen is I say no thanks.  No one has ever died from those words. 

I am not chasing anyone.  Instead I am ridding myself of the runners.

xoks

The Good Wife's Worst Enemy

I have never been married.  I hadn't been with anyone I wanted to marry until I was 36 or 37. That isn't to say I didn't love my exes. I just never wanted to marry them. In all fairness, they never asked.

I have been on a binge of The Good Wife.  I have always liked Julianna Margulies so I decided to give it a chance.  Honestly, it is just another soap opera with mostly predictable plots but I do get to gaze at Chris Noth and I do enjoy that.  

The thing is, it is triggering me.  I am the bad girl in these kinds of stories.  No, I am not a super hot call-girl (although I am kinda cute) and no, he wasn't a politician with an amazingly loving and supportive wife.  He was just a guy I fell in love with when I shouldn't have.  I spent five years of my life loving him, supporting him, and trying to "fix" him...because man is he broken.  I know this is coming from my mouth but if you pit us against each other in a "who is more fucked up" race he is going to win hands down.

I really did wrestle with his being married.  Not always, but a lot.  I recall going to a dark place in my head that would allow me to fantasize that all the things he told me were real.  That he never loved her, that he married her for his green card, that he chose her because she would not leave him like his first wife had because she was too weak and needy to leave him, that he stayed for the kids (yes, I said it, there were two).  He used every line married men use to keep us connected but that allows them to keep their cake and eat it too.  

I never betrayed his trust, I never asked him to leave her (well once, but I was drunk and we were kissing under the Eiffel Tower so my defenses and sensibilities were lowered.) I showed up whenever he asked even though he could rarely show up for me.  He told me I brought him back to life and I foolishly believed him.  Am I usually this gullible? Maybe, I will have to think on it.

So what became of the only man I would ever have married?  He left me for another woman. Not his wife of course, just a person we both knew. Shocking, I know.  It took me four months to figure out he was seeing another (third) person and then it all blew up.  Mostly in my face.  
Some of you probably think I deserved it, and maybe I did - but that heartbreak put me down for two years.  Had he returned to his family instead of leaving me to start a new affair I would have been ok.  I even expected that to be how things would end.  But that wasn't the case and I had closed my eyes to the idea that he would/could ever do something like that to me.  I suppose karma was served. 

I am sure disclosing this publicly will make some people judge me even more than usual but this is my place to work through my messiness.  You don't have to stay - I actually never invited you in. Your welcome to come here anytime, but you may not like what you hear.

xoks

“What is done out of Love is beyond Good and Evil” (I call shenanigans)
― Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

About six months ago I thought I would start to date again.  Or at least try.  So I joined a dating site, set up a nice profile and waited to see what would happen.  Within a few days I received a few dozen messages.  Most of the men didn't interest me but one caught my eye.

He was a doctor and a Ph.D.  He worked for a start-up and made good money. He was 6-4 and had a South African accent (swoon).  So I started a conversation with him.  He was a bit shy at first but slowly opened up.  Turned out he was into a lot of the same things I am but he was also very aggressive about sexting.  Now I don't necessarily have an issue with that except I didn't know this guy at all and I thought it was a little odd to start off on that foot.  Isn't sexting for people who know each other a bit and want to be sexy/flirty with one another?  At least that is what I have always thought.

I finally told him to go away.  I wasn't interested in the games he was playing and if he didn't actually want to meet me and see if there really was some sort of chemistry he needed to leave me be.  He was quiet for about two weeks then he asked if we could meet.

When he showed up he was disheveled but cute.  We had dinner together and I figured out pretty quickly he wasn't attracted to me.  No big deal.  

The next day we exchanged a few texts agreeing that there wasn't a connection and we discussed being friends.  I never heard from him again...until tonight.

About 15 minutes ago my phone started vibrating.  It was a video chat request from "Adam".  I have a few friends named Adam but I am really close to my sleepy time and, to be honest, sans make-up, so I declined.  Then it showed me it was the DOC.  I sent him a message asking him why he was contacting me.  His answer..."I am horny."  I reminded him he wasn't interested in me, asked him if he was drunk and then told him that he was rude and he needed to fuck off.  Then I blocked him.

What in the world is wrong with people?  I am not here to fucking amuse you.  I am not here just because you have some "need" you need taken care of and you think I am here for you to use.  People can be really awful sometimes.  Just reminds me why I don't date.

xoks