Life In Her Yet

She still remembers a time that was uncomplicated
But sure as the sun rise she's seen things that you'll never see
Losses and heartache amount to her strength
But oh how they both take their toll

She's still here fighting
Better know there's life in her yet

Time will take us all, and turn us into stones
It leaves us with regrets and picks apart the threads
Hung over fragile bones

Let her go
I can't let her go
I can't let her go

Her hands tell the story of hardships that we'll never know
Her face is a map of a lifetime on well-traveled roads
But those eyes tell nothing of a soul that is spared
A heart that is longing for death

She's still here fighting
Better know there's life in her yet

Time will take us all, and turn us into stones
It leaves us with regret, it picks apart the threads
Hung over fragile bones

Let her go
I can't let her go
I can't let her go

Let her go
I can't let her go
I can't let her go

Let her go
Let her go
Let her go

xoks

Faithfully Pursue The Policy of Truth

"Never again is what you swore the time before."

The last five days have been some of the easiest-going, peaceful days I have experienced in years. The dread and anxiety I used to wake up to every morning are gone. It has been replaced by a sense of serenity and calm. The sun actually made me smile. If you know me at all, you know I am a vampire who gleefully cheers when the sun sets. I am pretty in pale. Today I spent 30 minutes just sitting in the sun, soaking up my vitamin D (doctors orders, I suggest you try this too.)

I understand that this blog might be viewed as overshare and that some people in my life disapprove but as I stated on March 13th, I have never shied away from discussing or sharing my experiences with depression. This is a part of who I am. I have hidden it from so many people, affecting our relationships unintentionally with my omissions. I won't live that way anymore. 

It makes my heart ache to know that there are so many people living in darkness and fear. I want to reach out to as many people as I can and say there is hope. There is a treatment that is working for over 80% of the people who have tried EVERYTHING else unsuccessfully. Please, if you know someone, share my blog or tell them about KIT. I honestly believe it saved my life. Everyone deserves to live their lives free from madness.

xoks

Two Hearts Beat As None

Men. They are (were?) the main thing that could take me to the darkest depths of my depression. I have terrible taste in men. That is not to be confused with I date "terrible men", most of them are really lovely people, they are simply terrible when combined with me. I am also not saying I suck, cause I don't. I am actually pretty cool and have been told I am an awesome GF. So it's complicated.

Age 16 - First BF. Orphan, homeless, skinhead, alcoholic, abuser. Perfect! Let him move in, have him sleep with all your friends and then dump you two years in. Stalk and mourn him for the next four years because you have NO tools to deal with rejection.

Age 18-21 - Do not discuss how many people you "dated" during this period of time because your mother reads this blog.

Age 21 - Find an extremely handsome, super intelligent loner, living with his parents, who is 3 years younger than you and push him for a commitment. Lock him down, hold on tight and then scratch your head when he actually leaves the country without telling you goodbye. 

Age 25 - Head to a club, see a gorgeous thing at the bar and ask him to come home with you. Find out he is 17 (turning 18 in a month) and move in with him. Raise him like he is your kid (because he is a kid and what else can you do?) Mother and smother him. Break his heart because you have outgrown each other but you don't know how to kindly end a relationship because they have always left you.

Age 31/32 - Fall for an introverted, super-geek who tells you for FIVE years that you are not GF material but keep fighting the good fight to prove you are until it all blows up in your face and you end up hating each other (we are over that now but it took some time.)

Age 37 - (deep breath, this is where I might lose some of you) fall madly, deeply, passionately head over heels in love with your co-worker, who is married with two small children. A place I never wanted to go. Spend five years of your life waiting for the ultimate test of true love (would he leave her for me?) only to have him start a second affair with another co-worker and break your world. Karma played out fast and furious.

Age 42 - Stop all dating. Stay single and withdraw into yourself. See no one. Sink deeper into your depression. Don't explore the reason why you choose all of these unavailable men. Remind yourself daily that you are simply unlovable. 

Age 45 - Get back on the horse. Start to casually date. Meet a healthy guy and scare him off in under 30 days. 

Age 46 - Start dating a poly guy who prefers shiny and new over everything else. Push to be a primary. Break up with him monthly. Connect with him more as a friend than a lover only to realize he doesn't do friendships. Keep him in your back pocket.

Age 46 1/2 - Tinder a handsome engineer who lives two hours away. Get him caught us in your fucked up chaos and feel rescued by him, therefore putting him into a role that is not suited for either of you. Push and pull until it breaks and he finds a healthy girl at home to fall for. 

Age 46 3/4 - Try that casual FB thing. Meet a 34-year-old, well-educated, gainfully employed, super smart man. Have him over for wine. Find out he is married...start the affair anyway because this time it should be safe - he really loves his wife but they are sexually incompatible and that's all this is, right? Enter the dark world. Everything spins quickly out of control. This is real love, this is TRUE love, the love of our lives; how did we ever survive before we met one another? Receive an email 8 months or so later saying he loves you but more like a sister. Fall flatly on your face.

Age 47 1/2 - Take a break darlin'. It's time for me to discover who I am (never too late) and to learn to walk away from red flags and really draw some boundaries that are in line with my beliefs. Dating/falling for married men ensures that I will never have to step up in a relationship and let them see all my flaws. It was an escape. A game I was always sure to lose because I am afraid that winning means getting real. 

For all of the people that I have hurt over the decades with my selfish behavior and my carelessness, I am truly sorry. I can't change the past, I can't undo the damage but I can do my best to never cause havoc in anyone else's life again. I know none of you will ever read this but please forgive me my failings. You all deserved better.

xoks

PS - This is what I call a cleanse. A way for me to see my patterns and a healing process. Please know I am still smiling and feeling really good. KIT has helped me to process a lot of what I wrote above, especially while under treatment, so I wanted to get it down in writing before I lost too many of the above thoughts.

Wait For It...

Watch to the end. I was chanting "Say it, say it!"

Things Can Only Get Better

A little morning happiness. 

xoks

To Live Will Be An Awfully Big Adventure

I slept so peacefully last night. I woke up feeling inspired and a little sore from cleaning house for six hours (yes, it had gotten away from me.) The Criminals were wrapped around my feet, making it hard to jump out of bed so I kinda slithered, trying not to disrupt the kitty pile. Never works on Criminal #3, he hisses and runs away no matter how sly I try to be. Thinking a little KIT might do him some good.

People keep asking me when I might revert. I kinda want to punch them when they ask. People who have been successful with KIT DON'T revert. Some people feel the need for a booster at a month, some at three months, others at six months and some never go back. While I continue to work with my therapist and see where I land. I am not afraid of continuing KIT, it is a pleasant and somewhat magical experience. I just don't know if I will need to. 

There is beauty in this world everywhere you look. Keep your eyes open people.

xoks

Welcome To A Second Chance

Sunday is depression day. As I have said before, it's a day usually reserved for laying in bed awash in negative feelings, tears and cigarettes. Not today. Today I am smiling. Despite the fact that I forgot to turn off my alarm (I get one day people, ONE day) I still hopped out of bed and started to function. This is really important to understand; functionality is as important as my mood shift. KIT doesn't take away the issues that made my depression unbearable, it alleviates the overwhelming sense of fear and grief. It lifts that cloud and allows me a gentler way to move through those issues. It gives me a less dramatic feel to the darkness that has followed me around for 30 plus years.

Getting back to functionality - most people I know who suffer from depression simply struggle to function. I am high-functioning in my job. I have always been that way. It was a huge fear of mine that I would be unable to pay my rent and care for The Criminals so this kept me working hard and on point. However, that was sort of it. The rest could melt away and I didn't care. Of course, I have had beautiful moments in my life; spending time in NOLA, live music shows, getting to travel to other countries, watching little ones grow up. Moments I have deeply appreciated and honestly enjoyed, but those moments are like holidays from my day-to-day life. They pop up here and there to whisk you away but you always have to return to your real life.

I am realistic. I know that I need to work through some underlying problems and keep working on my well-being. KIT was instrumental in kick-starting my brain and relieving me of the heaviest of my hurt. It worked. It is that simple. It took that cloud that hovers over my head and washed it away. It saved my life. If you are hurting and out of traditional solutions, please consider this path. It can lead you to a better way of living. It can help you find your "Why".

xoks

How I feel post infusion

Speed Limit 110

Tomorrow is my final treatment. Since we went up to 110mgs it has taken me longer to recover between sessions.  Mostly I am plain exhausted. It is also much harder to describe what happens when I go under. The thoughts come so fast and get jumbled together. I have to open my eyes more often to make sure I am still in the room but I can't really see anything since my sight is so distorted. It is never frightening but it is disorienting. 

I am very excited by the changes I am seeing. I not only feel lighter, but I am functioning at a higher level. Small things that I used to resent (washing my hair, feeding the criminals, making coffee) no longer feel like a burden, they are just simple things we do in our daily lives. I have more energy (48 hours after treatment) and I smile more often.  The dark circles under my eyes have lightened and I am looking forward to upcoming events I have planned. I am no longer living in the darkness.

I am hopeful that this will last. From what I have read, treatment six is the kicker. Whether or not I need boosters down the line doesn't matter to me. I feel and see the immediate changes and life feels worth exploring again.

xoks 

Off To The Races

Today will be my fourth treatment. I am a little nervous because the dose will be increased and the last trip was pretty intense. I know that my doc is there to keep me balanced and can relieve any overwhelming feelings so I will go in with a positive attitude, do a little mindfulness meditation and go with the flow. I am as ready as I can be. More post treatment.

If you are curious about how this helps your brain, here is a very simple explanation:

Ketamine is completely different from SSRIs, tricyclics, MOAI inhibitors, benzos, or any other antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication.  The exact mechanism that causes ketamine to relieve depression is still under study, and is quite complex.  In short, when ketamine is administered in a very precise way it triggers a cascading sequence of events in the brain, which ultimately results in the re-growth of neurons that previously died off.  It is thought by some researchers that prolonged exposure to stress causes these neurons die off in the first place, resulting in depression, but ketamine causes them to rapidly re-grow within hours, relieving the depressive symptoms.  This is an oversimplification of a very complex topic, and the latest research hints there may be several other mechanisms involved that also play important roles.  Elsewhere on this site you’ll find more in-depth discussion, as well as a research database.

Pour Your Misery Down

My third session was intense. We upped my dosage to 90mg. After 10 minutes on the drip, I began giggling and slurring my speech. I am very grateful it was my mom by my side because no one else would make fun of me once I sobered up quite like my mother.

Yesterday and today I feel more groggy than usual. I am also less euphoric with a bit of a low feeling in my body and head but the doc said that some people experience a mild depression up until session six. I am allowing myself to feel whatever comes my way. 

I was able to jump out of bed yesterday and clean my house. I also stayed out of bed the whole day which is highly unusual for a Sunday; a day I always allow my depression to own by laying in bed and crying while chain-smoking. This Sunday I wanted to do small things to make my surroundings nicer. I felt at peace washing dishes and doing laundry. I didn't feel the need to nap or pull the covers over my head. It's the first Sunday in months I have felt this way. That is some serious progress for a person like me. 

I feel like I have been living inside Shirley Manson's head for the last seven plus years and it's been exhausting. The slow, sweet relief I am getting from my treatments is like kick-starting an old motorcycle. May take a few times but the sweet sound of the engine purring is always worth it.

xoks

70mg

Yesterday was treatment number two. The same process as the first time except my brother was there to support me this time. I am lucky to have such a loving, supportive family.

On the first treatment, he gave me 45mg.  A low dose but one that had me floating in a lovely little cloud. The doc thought we would go to 60mg this time but when he saw how well I was handling 60mg he pumped it up to 70mg. Let me just say, I have no idea why anyone wants to do this for recreational fun. I was out to lunch for over an hour. Brain spinning, body somewhere else, auditory hallucinations. It wasn't scary but it was intense. I can't relay the thoughts I had running through my foggy brain but I do know I kept finding "why's" (see March 13th) over and over again. Family, friends, music, travel; all these small why's adding up to enough to make my heart feel strong again.  

Today I am not as euphoric as I was on Wednesday but I feel really good. The doc says this is normal; session one, very powerful, session two, a little less impact on your mood, session three can be a breakthrough session. Four, five and six are to keep the dendrites moving and signaling. I say bring it on.

xoks

I'm Your Pusher

Worth watching.

Special K

Yesterday was my first treatment. Wow. I am floored by how I feel today. But before getting into that, let me take you on a little trip.

My mom was loving enough to take me to Palo Alto for my first infusion. On the drive down she asked me if I was scared. I told her I wasn't afraid of the procedure itself, I was afraid it might not work...then what would I do?

Once we reached the center we were greeted by a very kind doctor who had been working with Ketamine for over 20 years. He had started his practice using the treatment for pain relief and slowly transitioned to the mental health field as the drug was seen to prompt the regrowth of connections between brain cells that are involved in mood. In simple terms, it was regrowing nerves in the brain. 

We went into a small room where I was tucked in bed with my mom by my side. I was made to feel very safe and comfortable. He put an IV in my arm and started with a valium like cocktail before opening the saline-ketamine solution.  Within seconds I was floating from the valium; within minutes I was in a far away place.  While I was able to hold a conversation, I can't say I remember everything discussed. Up until the last few minutes I was golden - then the valium wore off and I started to feel slightly anxious.  The doctor assured me that was normal which helped me breathe through it.  About 10 minutes after the infusion was complete I was able to walk (albeit on clouds) back to my mom's car. 

The drive back was about an hour, and over that time the effects wore off.  I was very tired when I got home, but unable to nap. By 10 PM I was sound asleep.

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. No idea what I was dreaming about, but there was a definite weight missing from my usual morning routine.  To say that I feel better would be an understatement. I feel like the cloud that has been hovering over my head has shrunk in half. I am smiling and laughing. I even managed to get through a text from an ex that would normally have me in tears with a simple "no thank you". This is ONE treatment. I go back tomorrow for treatment number two and I am beyond hopeful. I will receive a total of six treatments between yesterday and next Saturday and I believe that my cloud will soon be replaced with much-needed sunshine.

xoks

Losing Your Why

Nietzsche said, "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." 

Most people who know me, know I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder with a healthy side of anxiety. I have been in therapy since I was 17 and on medication since I was 25. I have never hidden this from anyone. I understand that there is still a stigma around mental health issues but I have never shied away from a conversation about what it is like living with a disorder or how it affects my life. Until recently.

Over the last few months, I have been in a downward spiral.  Sinking deeper and deeper into my depression.  I am aware of the trigger (to be blogged at a later date) but I could not stop it from happening.  I have spent hours sobbing uncontrollably.  Days where I slept for 20 hours straight. Night after night of not sleeping at all. I have gone a week without eating - chainsmoking to feel full. I have ignored my cell, my email, my voicemail. I have fallen physically sick over and over again due to my inability to take care of myself. I am broken.

This isn't the first time I have been this deep.  Over the last seven years I have struggled more than ever with my illness. I have alienated myself from friends and family. I isolate and hide from everything but my job (which keeps me somewhat sane) major family events and much-needed escapes to see live music; the one thing that I can still find true joy in. Almost everything else seems like background noise to my depression; something to distract me from my head and keep away the darkest of thoughts.

I hit a wall. I looked around at my life and I thought "I have no fucking why so why am I continuing?" Yes, that wall.  The one no one talks about. The biggest taboo of mental health conversations. The one that leads you to round the clock care by people in white coats. The one that terrifies most people but only makes me feel like I can stop this pain if I can no longer hold it. A thought I have had over the last seven years more times than I can count. I am exhausted.

I recently started seeing a new therapist. She is an amazing woman who understands overly empathetic people who lack shields by which to protect themselves. From our second session until yesterday when I emailed her that I was barely holding on, she had been suggesting a new treatment for depression. Ketamine Infusion Therapy. I read a little about it after she mentioned it the first time but I was ambivalent about the idea of using animal tranquilizers as a remedy to my madness.  When I reached out to her yesterday I was so desperate that I begged her to help me find a center to start the process. 

I immediately contacted them and received a call within 15 minutes. The woman on the other end of the line heard the absolute despair in my voice.  She talked to me for 45 minutes. She had been there, she knew exactly how I felt and she promised me a way out. She explained how the therapy worked, what I should expect to experience and how quickly I would begin to heal.  Her words and kindness helped ground me in the moment and allowed me to breathe again. When we hung up I sobbed to myself that I could make it 36 hours until my first appointment. I am now 13 hours away. 

For the first time in so many years I feel hope. I think there is a way up. I believe that I am capable of finding my why so that I can bear almost any how. My journey begins tomorrow.

xoks