Damn me, I just can't stay mad. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I just can't do it. It always turns to sadness and then regret, and then sadness again. God I am such a sucker. I know in my heart how bad anger is for you, but I just want to be able to hold on to it until I am READY for it to go. Alas, that ain't me, so I will just have to live with sadness till I am ready to let THAT go...
Next...
I went with Paulie and Carmen to see Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Let me tell you, this movie rocked. I was totally caught up in it. I am ready to run out and buy the book now because the story really engaged me. I highly recommend it, in a surreal way.
And Another...
My house is entirely unpacked! I am so excited, I put the living room together and we are ready to have a big old house warming any day now. When, I can't even begin to guess, but soon.
Will She Ever Shut Up...
So I was talking to my friend the other night, about how I haven't been on a real date in like 10 years. 10 YEARS PEOPLE! Ouch. What is wrong with me? Am I not date worthy? Am I just some girl you think "I should move in there with that brunette (I am now a brunette) down there at the other end of the bar. Skip all the romance, forget about giving her flowers, and I certainly don't want to take her to a movie or anything....Oh, what was I talking about?" Cause that's what it looks like to me. They come in, take and take, and forget to give back. It sucks, it really does. Now I know I am being whiney, and my longest love bought me tons of things; jewelry, clothes, dinners, trips, so on. He was very generous with me as I was with him. But the last one...well, he didn't seem to think I was worth the effort. Now, I am just being a brat, but here it is, the last guy I dated, I gave him tons of gifts, and he was very grateful and that made me feel good, but I hit a wall with it this last X-Mas when I not only paid for a gift for him (which he never paid me back for) but was told that he had bought himself a few very expensive toys before he moved and he couldn't even be bothered getting me a card for the holidays. It really hurt my feelings. I kinda thought I would get this inexpensive ring from him that I wanted (it costs about $20) because he elluded to it once, but I was given nothing, as I should have expected. I know, poor, poor Princess. But this really isnt about the "gifts" it really is about the thought, and I am tired of people not thinking about my feelings.
OK, so now that you all think I am spoiled...
I guess I like it when we play (the way you drag me down)
I guess I like it when you hate me (the way you drag me down)
But I can't face myself in a mirror (I'm left alone with all my pain)
But I can't face myself in the mirror (I'm left alone with all my shame)
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I'll heal you in me
I guess I like it when we fight (the way you drag me down)
I guess I like it when you smite me (the way you drag me down)
But I can't face myself in a mirror (I'm left alone with all my pain)
But I can't face myself in the mirror (I'm left alone with all my shame)
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I'll heal you in me
You're out of luck can't get a piece of me
It's all blown up don't ever fuck with me
I cannot please you all forever
I cannot please you at all
(I can feel you up behind me)
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I'll heal you in me
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I'll heal you in me
Seether - Fuck It!
Kisses
Friday, January 31, 2003
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Wireless Bitch
That’s right, I am wireless and functional. It took like ten of us online to make it work, and in the end, I fixed it all by myself, but it is working. It is everything they said it would be!
Things are really great for me. I thought that "cleaning house" would make me miserable, but I am so much happier. I wake up feeling happy; I fall asleep feeling happy. I feel free, I can't really explain it any better. I am no longer bound to someone who uses me. There is no one left in my life that takes advantage of me and it feels wonderful. Who knew that waking up to who someone really is (everyone told me but I couldn't see it for myself) could be so amazing? There is only one down side, but I am figuring it out.
So it looks like I have a great contracting gig coming into play. A medical office needs an HR person to fix things up for them and they are willing to pay handsomely. How cool would that be? My mom and step-mom are talking about helping me set up my own consulting business. I know it is something I could do, something I would be great at, and I am all into it. I am working on the business plan this week.
Strega now takes it upon herself to sit on me while I try to type, silly girl. She bites and licks me, and meows her way into my heart, brat. She still fights with the rest of the clan but she is doing ok here, she is a tough broad.
All the kids seem to love it here. We (Lura and I) have decided that we are the 7 dwarves:
Kim: Sneezy (my allergies are making me crazy)
Lura: Sleepy (duh!)
Strega: Bashful (she lives only in my room, I have to take her to her food 2x a day)
Mallory: Happy (heh, he is ya know)
Max: Dopey (I think you all know)
Mickey: Doc (he gets sick all the time)
Kaliah: Grumpy (have you met her?)
Now all we need is Snow White, we are thinking a puppy?? Heh, like we need one more living thing in this house.
Speaking of, it is almost done. A few really minor details and our home is complete. I am thrilled. As soon as everything is put away I will take photos and post them. In case anyone wants to see them, which they prolly don't but too bad, heh.
Things are really going along well. I have been processing my decisions and changes with friends and family and everyone agrees that I am on the right path. Of course, I got a lot of "I told you so's", but that’s ok, they did so they can say it...
Kisses
Things are really great for me. I thought that "cleaning house" would make me miserable, but I am so much happier. I wake up feeling happy; I fall asleep feeling happy. I feel free, I can't really explain it any better. I am no longer bound to someone who uses me. There is no one left in my life that takes advantage of me and it feels wonderful. Who knew that waking up to who someone really is (everyone told me but I couldn't see it for myself) could be so amazing? There is only one down side, but I am figuring it out.
So it looks like I have a great contracting gig coming into play. A medical office needs an HR person to fix things up for them and they are willing to pay handsomely. How cool would that be? My mom and step-mom are talking about helping me set up my own consulting business. I know it is something I could do, something I would be great at, and I am all into it. I am working on the business plan this week.
Strega now takes it upon herself to sit on me while I try to type, silly girl. She bites and licks me, and meows her way into my heart, brat. She still fights with the rest of the clan but she is doing ok here, she is a tough broad.
All the kids seem to love it here. We (Lura and I) have decided that we are the 7 dwarves:
Kim: Sneezy (my allergies are making me crazy)
Lura: Sleepy (duh!)
Strega: Bashful (she lives only in my room, I have to take her to her food 2x a day)
Mallory: Happy (heh, he is ya know)
Max: Dopey (I think you all know)
Mickey: Doc (he gets sick all the time)
Kaliah: Grumpy (have you met her?)
Now all we need is Snow White, we are thinking a puppy?? Heh, like we need one more living thing in this house.
Speaking of, it is almost done. A few really minor details and our home is complete. I am thrilled. As soon as everything is put away I will take photos and post them. In case anyone wants to see them, which they prolly don't but too bad, heh.
Things are really going along well. I have been processing my decisions and changes with friends and family and everyone agrees that I am on the right path. Of course, I got a lot of "I told you so's", but that’s ok, they did so they can say it...
Kisses
Sunday, January 19, 2003
Should have done this a long time ago!
Well I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff
Time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out in shame
After all of the using and lying
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Never saw it coming
All of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard you're going around
Playing the victim now
But don't even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave
After all of the fights and the lies
'Cause your wanting to haunt me
But that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to know the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You Won't Stop Me
I am a fighter
I ain't gonna stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff
Time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out in shame
After all of the using and lying
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Never saw it coming
All of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard you're going around
Playing the victim now
But don't even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave
After all of the fights and the lies
'Cause your wanting to haunt me
But that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to know the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You Won't Stop Me
I am a fighter
I ain't gonna stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough
Thursday, January 16, 2003
I suck at this!
I have a hard time keeping this thing up. I am really busy, crazy, tired, sick, and apparently, full of complaints. This week has been a rough one. Working things out with friends, having my ex have a birthday that I can not be included in, no job, no sex, no DSL in my bedroom. God I sound pathetic. Let me try to bring this one up.
I received a call on a job. I will be calling them in the AM to find out the details. It is great to hear from people and know that my resume is being read. I will fill you in on the details later.
Tomorrow I go get my eyes checked. I am gonna look at new frames. I love the ones I wear now, but I also love change so we will see what I come up with.
My home is coming along. I think the guys will be done within another week. Most of the work is complete and I have finally been able to unpack most of the boxes. I figure there is another few days of work and I will have completed the cosmetic things around here. It is looking great. I had five women over last night for dinner and games. How cool is that? We all were able to be in the kitchen at the same time, cooking together and making fun and generally being silly. It was really great. We played Rummicube until 11 and then I sent everyone home. We have decided that we will have a slumber party once Lura and I are settled and walk over to Trader Sam's for scorpions. Drunken times ahead.
My roommate is in love. It is so sweet. I never see her anymore but that’s ok, I understand how new love is. He will finally be staying the weekend with us (she is usually at his house in Vacaville) so all of the girls will get to meet him. Hopefully they will all play nice and not scare him away...Hopefully.
Speaking of love...I am finally beginning to understand how this works. You fall in love with whomever you fall in love with. Even if they do not fall in love with you, that wont stop your heart. It makes up its own mind, and you are stuck with it. So today I am at Mary's watching TV while her and Carmen study for the GRE's and Mary has some wedding show on. I am watching, listening to the couples all happy and in love, and I start crying. Silly Princess. But I can't seem to help myself. I wonder if anyone will ever love me the way these couples love one another. It makes me sad that I always seem to fall harder than my partners, but maybe that’s just who I am and what it will be for me. I can't imagine anyone feeling like I do about them about me (I hope that made sense.) I suppose the thing to do now in my life is just focus on me, how to feel better, be stronger, and move forward.
Kisses
I received a call on a job. I will be calling them in the AM to find out the details. It is great to hear from people and know that my resume is being read. I will fill you in on the details later.
Tomorrow I go get my eyes checked. I am gonna look at new frames. I love the ones I wear now, but I also love change so we will see what I come up with.
My home is coming along. I think the guys will be done within another week. Most of the work is complete and I have finally been able to unpack most of the boxes. I figure there is another few days of work and I will have completed the cosmetic things around here. It is looking great. I had five women over last night for dinner and games. How cool is that? We all were able to be in the kitchen at the same time, cooking together and making fun and generally being silly. It was really great. We played Rummicube until 11 and then I sent everyone home. We have decided that we will have a slumber party once Lura and I are settled and walk over to Trader Sam's for scorpions. Drunken times ahead.
My roommate is in love. It is so sweet. I never see her anymore but that’s ok, I understand how new love is. He will finally be staying the weekend with us (she is usually at his house in Vacaville) so all of the girls will get to meet him. Hopefully they will all play nice and not scare him away...Hopefully.
Speaking of love...I am finally beginning to understand how this works. You fall in love with whomever you fall in love with. Even if they do not fall in love with you, that wont stop your heart. It makes up its own mind, and you are stuck with it. So today I am at Mary's watching TV while her and Carmen study for the GRE's and Mary has some wedding show on. I am watching, listening to the couples all happy and in love, and I start crying. Silly Princess. But I can't seem to help myself. I wonder if anyone will ever love me the way these couples love one another. It makes me sad that I always seem to fall harder than my partners, but maybe that’s just who I am and what it will be for me. I can't imagine anyone feeling like I do about them about me (I hope that made sense.) I suppose the thing to do now in my life is just focus on me, how to feel better, be stronger, and move forward.
Kisses
Sunday, January 05, 2003
Tell Me it Gets Better
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, I know, I know, I am late, but I have been busy.
Christmas Rocked. I spent Christmas Eve with Mom, Alicia, Justin, Austin, Madison, Hayden, Elaine, Wanda, Ed, Elaine, Nikki, and Wanda’s sister and nephews. That group exchanged gifts after dinner. Carmen joined me around 10PM and we were asleep (way too much food) by midnight.
Around 7 AM the next morning mom had us up and over at my sister Alicia’s house for Santa. The house was bustling with excitement. We exchanged gifts, ate breakfast and had a great time. That morning we went to see Lord of the Rings, the Two Towers. Amazing movie. Well worth giving up my naptime, which I promptly took after the movie.
When I woke up Carmen was leaving to her moms and I had to hustle to Kerri and Suzanne’s for dinner. Summer, Christian, Annabella, Alicia, Justin, Austin, Madison, Toni, Hayden, Kerri, Suzanne, Chris, Nancy and myself all hung out to eat yummy food Kerri had cooked. Dinner was great, company was great, it was the end of a really good holiday, or so I thought.
The next morning I went to San Diego to visit Andrew and Jennifer, Sandy and Frank, Eric and Lyn, and surprise, surprise, Doug too. It was so nice to see his face when I got off the plane. He hugged me and I almost started to cry. I hate being away from him. He makes me feel so safe, I just wanted him to hug me forever. We spent the day shopping with Ms. Jennifer, my little Princess in Training. She is so wonderful; wish I could see her everyday. That night we went to see Grandpa Bud and Grandma Berry. We had dinner there and laughed and took pictures. I got to meet more of the family; they all took to me, as Doug’s family tends to do. We had a really nice evening, everyone assuming Doug and I are a couple, us correcting them all the time. It is funny how people see us. Funnier how we can’t see ourselves.
The next day we went to meet Andrew at the mall. It was a surprise for him to see me. He was thrilled and I almost started to cry. I can’t express how much I miss him. He is such a light in my heart. I wish they had never left. Alas they did, and I need to learn to let go. How? I don’t know, I just know I have to.
It was so hard to leave. I cried when I got on the plane. I did not want to leave them. I started to think I had made a mistake going, seeing them, being close with them again, then I realized it was a nice reprieve from my sadness here and they wanted to be with me. I needed them and I wish I could spend the rest of my life that close and safe with them, but who knows how it will all play out.
New Years was OK. I loved being with Carmen and Mari but the night got weird and I went home around 12:30. I climbed in bed and shut out the world. The next day I went to my dads’ house with my sister and her family. We had a great meal, and exchanged more gifts and so on.
That ends my holiday rant. It was great. But last year, well that was the best I have ever had. Things change.
That being said, I think the New Year has brought on a depression I am unfamiliar with. I no longer feel safe anywhere. I can not seem to stay happy for very long. I am tired all the time. Being out of work is not helping. I feel isolated and angry. I tried to talk to my friend about it tonight, but it didn’t help much. In fact it merely added to my feeling of being alone. I have been in love with this person for over a year. I thought that with time to heal he would find his feelings for me are the same, but once again, I am reminded that I am missing something which makes me worthy of a relationship with someone I adore. I am not sure what is wrong with me, I just know that I am not enough, in so many ways, as to be deemed worthy of being someone’s partner. It is kinda the story of my life. I was with my last love for seven years, and no matter what I did, it was never enough. I know it sounds pathetic, but it is also true.
Just take that spotlight off of me
It’s much too bright, I can not see
And once again, again I’m shown,
Where there is love I am alone.
Won’t someone just take care of me?
Now people ask where have I been?
My answer short, I’ve been within
And if their eyes just turn away
I know it’s none but words to them
Won’t someone just take care of me?
It is time for some drastic steps, I am just not sure in what direction…
Christmas Rocked. I spent Christmas Eve with Mom, Alicia, Justin, Austin, Madison, Hayden, Elaine, Wanda, Ed, Elaine, Nikki, and Wanda’s sister and nephews. That group exchanged gifts after dinner. Carmen joined me around 10PM and we were asleep (way too much food) by midnight.
Around 7 AM the next morning mom had us up and over at my sister Alicia’s house for Santa. The house was bustling with excitement. We exchanged gifts, ate breakfast and had a great time. That morning we went to see Lord of the Rings, the Two Towers. Amazing movie. Well worth giving up my naptime, which I promptly took after the movie.
When I woke up Carmen was leaving to her moms and I had to hustle to Kerri and Suzanne’s for dinner. Summer, Christian, Annabella, Alicia, Justin, Austin, Madison, Toni, Hayden, Kerri, Suzanne, Chris, Nancy and myself all hung out to eat yummy food Kerri had cooked. Dinner was great, company was great, it was the end of a really good holiday, or so I thought.
The next morning I went to San Diego to visit Andrew and Jennifer, Sandy and Frank, Eric and Lyn, and surprise, surprise, Doug too. It was so nice to see his face when I got off the plane. He hugged me and I almost started to cry. I hate being away from him. He makes me feel so safe, I just wanted him to hug me forever. We spent the day shopping with Ms. Jennifer, my little Princess in Training. She is so wonderful; wish I could see her everyday. That night we went to see Grandpa Bud and Grandma Berry. We had dinner there and laughed and took pictures. I got to meet more of the family; they all took to me, as Doug’s family tends to do. We had a really nice evening, everyone assuming Doug and I are a couple, us correcting them all the time. It is funny how people see us. Funnier how we can’t see ourselves.
The next day we went to meet Andrew at the mall. It was a surprise for him to see me. He was thrilled and I almost started to cry. I can’t express how much I miss him. He is such a light in my heart. I wish they had never left. Alas they did, and I need to learn to let go. How? I don’t know, I just know I have to.
It was so hard to leave. I cried when I got on the plane. I did not want to leave them. I started to think I had made a mistake going, seeing them, being close with them again, then I realized it was a nice reprieve from my sadness here and they wanted to be with me. I needed them and I wish I could spend the rest of my life that close and safe with them, but who knows how it will all play out.
New Years was OK. I loved being with Carmen and Mari but the night got weird and I went home around 12:30. I climbed in bed and shut out the world. The next day I went to my dads’ house with my sister and her family. We had a great meal, and exchanged more gifts and so on.
That ends my holiday rant. It was great. But last year, well that was the best I have ever had. Things change.
That being said, I think the New Year has brought on a depression I am unfamiliar with. I no longer feel safe anywhere. I can not seem to stay happy for very long. I am tired all the time. Being out of work is not helping. I feel isolated and angry. I tried to talk to my friend about it tonight, but it didn’t help much. In fact it merely added to my feeling of being alone. I have been in love with this person for over a year. I thought that with time to heal he would find his feelings for me are the same, but once again, I am reminded that I am missing something which makes me worthy of a relationship with someone I adore. I am not sure what is wrong with me, I just know that I am not enough, in so many ways, as to be deemed worthy of being someone’s partner. It is kinda the story of my life. I was with my last love for seven years, and no matter what I did, it was never enough. I know it sounds pathetic, but it is also true.
Just take that spotlight off of me
It’s much too bright, I can not see
And once again, again I’m shown,
Where there is love I am alone.
Won’t someone just take care of me?
Now people ask where have I been?
My answer short, I’ve been within
And if their eyes just turn away
I know it’s none but words to them
Won’t someone just take care of me?
It is time for some drastic steps, I am just not sure in what direction…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)