The Golden Gate Bridge has a HUGE button!

First of all, I know all of you thought I had become a smoker since I hadn't posted but you are wrong, wrong, wrong (and not very supportive.) I am three days from a full month of not smoking and it is making me giddy!

I had the loveliest day today. My man and I went for a stroll on the GG Bridge. He had never done it and I have only gone once (bad Bay Area babe!) so he dragged my lazy butt away from my latest obession (Jewel Quest {thanks Pea}) and we went for lunch and then a walk over the water. The fog was low so it was chilly but we walked hand-in-hand and laughed and made fun of one another (and of others I am afraid) until we couldn't take it anymore. This man makes me smile so often my teeth hurt. I don't think there is a level of silliness he won't sink to. How cute is that?

Kisses

5 by 5

Five whole days...who would have thunk it.

Kisses

Four to the Floor

Day four has been the worst so far. Must be because I had smokers at my house. We had a big BBQ with about 15 people. I ate non-stop (this should be fun) and spent a lot of the day hiding in my room. wOOt! Fun girl that I am. I can say that everyone was really nice about it, made me feel like it was ok to be close to the edge. Perhaps some sleep and water will make it all better.

Kisses

Three - That's the Magic Number

OK, so three days. Cool. Worst part is the sleepless nights and malaria nightmares. Otherwise this is really good. My BF and I plan on staying in all weekend, sleeping and watching movies. He is helping me along. He is the best. (except when he gets all cranky on me, then I want to pinch him.)

Kisses

Day Two

And everyone is still alive! Everyone said it would be the worst thing EVER. So far (crossing my fingers) it has been OK. Annoying moments, little twinges, stuff like that, but nothing I haven't been able to breathe through.

Thank you to all my friends and family for your loving support. And THANK YOU to my loving BF who is being so kind and generous. You truly are the best.

Kisses

The Camel Has Died

Today is my first day as a non-smoker. One day at a time, lots of lollipops.

(sweet & fresh) Kisses

Silly Happy B-Day Girl

Today is my 35th bday. I am SPOILED. I had a party thrown for me on Friday night. My lovely friends made me wear a tiara all night. I wasn't alone. Dona made me gift bags to give to all my "ladies in waiting". Each contained a smaller tiara, lipgloss, a stuffed frog prince, a wand, and a rose candle. It was the sweetest thing. All the men had to wear crowns. Kris had a huge Princess Cake made for me. Carmen flew in with Alex and we spent the whole weekend laughing and snuggling. It was really nice.

Sunday my parents had a small supper party for me. Chatuea Brion, twice backed potatoes, veggies and a few FANTASTIC bottles of wine. I love that about dinner with the folks (dad and step-mom). Dinner was followed by....a Princess Cake (getting the theme here?)

Tonight my boyfriend and family (me, mom, and sister) are making me dessert and giving me many presents..heh. I am praying it isn't another Princess Cake.

Kisses

The Down and Dirty

My BF moved in with me. Yep, that's the truth of it. In addition, he is now working with me as well. So far it seems to be going well. We haven't really been living together since he moved in because I was house-sitting one house while he was sitting our house, but I think I am kinda digging him being around. He is VERY sweet to me. Makes me laugh and smile all the time, and generally keeps to his side of the bed. I think he knows about the invisible line I have drawn.

We have had a pretty rough time getting to this place together, but I am feeling it has all been worth it.

Today is his birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY babe. Name your gift ;).

We have been watching the only season of Firefly together. I am really digging it! Super geeky and fun.

They are throwing me a BDAY bash on Friday at The Beauty Bar. I think close to 100 people were invited. So far looks like a pretty good turn out. Kinda freaks me out a little, not real good with the "center of attention" thing. Being a Princess doesn't make you not shy, just makes you spoiled ;). I am so very grateful to my friends who are doing this for me. They are such loving people, they really make me feel special. My BEST Friend is even flying in from Philly JUST to spend my BDAY with me. She ROCKS! I miss her so much since she moved away to school (all of two weeks ago, lol)! Can't wait to see her LOVELY face.

My BF took me shopping this weekend. New clothes, new books, and Chai Tea. We had a lovely time driving around in the convertible and getting all sunny. I just really enjoy spending time with him.

One week till I quit smoking and turn 35....yikes! Wish me luck.

Kisses

#4131

I have been walking around with a Fuji Dole sticker on my forehead all day. People just point and stare. They don't understand.

I miss my Boyfriend...

It’s Been Awhile

Do I only post when I am sad. Seems so. Not only am I lazy, but I haven’t really been able to talk a lot about the happenings in my life…shhhsh, it’s a secret.

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone
who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

And you’re still here
And you're still here...

Well not really.

Things move so fast. One minute, safe, sound, secure. The next…whooosshhh, rug, pulled, on my ass.

I am used to being on my ass. Seems like I set it up to happen, over and over, and over again. Kinda silly, isn’t it? I think love makes me a really easy target. Anyone else want to take aim? I didn’t think so. Some day I think things will settle down, some one will see the special in me and it will all make me melt. Until then…I think he said…c’est la vie.

Kisses

Sleep Comes Down

Sometimes, like tonight, I think I will sleep. I hope the nightmares leave me alone.

Bricks

I am waited down. I find it hard to breathe at times. I think about all the new information I have to take in and I am without air. I am in love.

Sometimes it isn't what we expect. I thought for sure this news would bring me nothing but joy, instead I am nothing but confused. I am finding it hard to sleep at night, food seems silly and not much can make me laugh. Not what I had in mind. How can I accept all these feelings and let things happen as they will. I am not sure I can. Perhaps I should walk away, find a safe place to hide and hope it will all pass. It hasn't so far; I must be kidding myself. I am in love.

Am I boring you yet?

It has been a rough week. My Carmelinda lost her grandpa and is in Minnesota at his funeral today. I didn't have the funds to go with her, which really upset me, but times are what they are so I settled it with myself. Prior to going to Minn., she had an interview at Bryn Mawr on Friday. I know it was really hard for her to even sit through the interview, but she said it went VERY well! An Ivy League school for Pea!! I hope she gets in, that would rock.

Yoga is super cool. After my second class I learned to relax into my poses and it turns out you wont be sore the next day. Who knew? (ummm, my teacher). I love the class, I am gonna start sneaking into Wednesdays also!! Although I still have to use blocks for most poses, I am getting closer and closer to touching my toes...heh.

Kisses

Maggie I wish I'd Never Seen Your Face

We got a new puppy!!! He is so damn cute, Mom named him Lincoln (a family name) but she changes it so often who knows if it will stick. He is all white except his ears and nose, which are spotted black and pink. He is about 12 weeks old, a mix of Great Dane and the Budwieser dog. he is a love, we napped together today.

I went to add classes today at school, I couldn't get into my Yoga class on Mondays and Wednesdays so I am moving it to Tuesdays and Thursdays which means no French class. A drag but I will take an Art class instead. Being on campus was cool. I thought I would feel really old but there is a HUGE adult population there so I was completely comfortable.

My ears are healed and I am hoping to go to Industrial Steel this week for new earrings. They have a huge collection of 10 gauge earrings so Carmen and I will prolly head over there after school one day. After school, heh.

Kisses

OK, Ouch!

Carmen, Alex (her new man) and I went to Body Manipulations this evening...suffice to say I can NEVER walk into a place like that without doing SOMETHING, so I up-gauged my earrings. I went from an 18 to a 10. It stung man! But they are lovely and I have steel hoops with pink tigers eye capture beads. I figure by Friday I won't feel a thing. Carmen went from a 10 to an 8 and Alex peirced his tongue. A fun time for all.

My last day at work is Friday. I can not wait to be outta there. My life is gonna change pretty fast here. I am signing up for some classes on Friday afternoon at College of Marin. I am super excited.

I am in the process of changing my meds which means "washing" the Prozac outta my system (ugh, it makes me sooooo tired) and then in a month starting something new. I have a meeting with my Doc on Friday to discuss stragety to keeping me happy and sane.

Everything, well it will fall into place. I am finally letting go of everything toxic in my life and I think I will be a better person for it.

Kisses

Who Knew

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And nurse me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming in tales
Heads are a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

Soul Weary Tired

I resigned from my job with the government. Yep, thats me...unemployed again. Well not right away actually, I have a few months to finalize my short-life with the Man. I am so done. I will look for something new, I will be ok.

My fatherhas offered me his Mercedes in exchange for my Audi. I get his free, he gets my payments. I will really have to consider this offer, it seems pretty rocking.

Things are changing in my life. The end of a long-time ride. I am both thrilled and saddened. It is time. Soon it will all be over.

Kisses

Just the Way

Do you remember once upon a time
When you were mine
The stars above were bright and new
I pulled them down for you
Just when I fell in love again
You said that all good things must end

Baby, that's just the way it is Baby
Baby, that's just the way it is Baby

I never had a head for solitare
It's so unfair
That I'd should have my chance and lose
Feel like I've been used to help you
Through another night
You spelled in out in black and white

Baby, that's just the way it is Baby
Baby, that's just the way it is Baby

The tides that had once carried you away
They bring you back again today
Time has washed away my pain
You'll find that things have changed
And disappeared without a trace
You can't get back what you've erased
And I say

Baby, that's just the way it is Baby
That's just the way it is
Baby, that's just the way it is Baby
That's just the way it is

Chasing the Devil's Tail (Tale?)

I am a lagger. I know it, you know it, so be it. I am still recovering from my yearlong, sleep as late as you want, party like a rock-star vacation. It was so nice, and working is such a bitch sometimes, but money is nice and so is being useful. The job itself? Well….it is ok. The government is a very different place to work. I keep forgetting I am not the top dog, so to speak, and getting most things DONE (as in finalized) is a beast. They love me there, which is great, but it is a struggle not to constantly say things like “OH, come on, it is a SIMPLE thing, let’s make a decision here.” That wouldn’t go over well, but I think it a lot…heh.

Living in Marin with my mom rocks. I was a little stressed because I had my kitties with a friend and I wasn’t able to move on, umm, moving as fast as I had hoped, but we resolved that issue a week ago, and I have my kitties with me now! All three, and me, in my room…lol. It is fucking hilarious. We fight over the bed every night, and they usually win. Other than that, and the hair, it is great. They are so cool. Soon I will be letting them outside to roam. They stare longingly all day out the window…it is time.

I have been having the weirdest dreams for the past two months. I am trying so hard, before I go to sleep, to think of things I would like to dream about but it never works out. I process a lot in my dreams so I know it is a good thing, but I wake up some mornings so bent out of shape. It makes me more tired than I would otherwise be.

I got a new tattoo for my birthday (thank you everyone who made it possible.) She is lovely, and I am working on posting her picture under my tattoo page A.S.A.P so keep checking in. I just have to remember how to update the damn thing, heh. I have her and dozens of other pictures to post I just haven’t had time. Soon, I swear.

Halloween is coming up so soon. A kinda weird time for me. I am really looking forward to trick-or-treating with the kids, but some one is missing this year and it makes my heart hurt. I know it just is what it is, but I still feel it. I am going to Jerry and Ritchie’s for the usual huge bash. I am so pleased Halloween is on a Friday, gives me more time to recover, which we all usually need after a night at J & R’s. I still have not decided on a final costume, although a cowgirl is not out of the question. We shall see.

So in general, life is really good. I am happy, I am sane and I am safe (well happy and sane most of the time.) My family is so supportive and loving, my friends are wonderful to me and my bills are under control. What more can a girl ask for?

Kisses

Make a Difference

Slow dancing on the boulevard
In the quiet moments
while the city’s still dark
Sleepwalking through the summer rain
and the tired spaces
You could hear her name
when she was warm and tender
And you held her arms around you
There was nothing but her
love and affection
She was crazy for you
Now she's part of something that you lost

And for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you wanna be
Yeah, what you wanna be

Night swimming in her diamond dress
Making small circles move across the surface
Stand watching from the steady shore
Feeling wide open and waiting for
Something warm and tender
Now she's moving further from you
There was nothing that could
make it easy on you
Every step you take reminds you
that she's walking home

Yeah, for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want

Every word you never said
Echoes down your empty hallway
And everything that was your world
Just came down

Day breaking on the boulevard
Feel the sun warming up your second hand heart
Light swimming right across your face
And you think maybe someday, yeah
Maybe someday

For all you know
Yeah, this could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want

Yeah, for all you know
For all you know
Yeah, for all that you know
This is what you wanna be
What you wanna be

Kisses