I spent the weekend at Jerry and Ritchie’s with Carmen. We had a party for Christopher’s birthday. We had food (I did not eat) wine (I had six glasses) and a great big hangover. I had a wonderful time. Jerry and I discussed having a baby again (yes, while I was sober) and have come to the decision that we will wait one year before we begin. I am really excited about it. We even picked out names (for now). A boy will be Zachary and a girl will be Dakota. Of course, that will probably change a thousand times before we actually get to the baby making, but we have a good start.
On the way over to the boys house Carmen and I had a long talk about her ex Daniel. He had been planning a trip to SF for the weekend after next. However, he was driving up Friday night, had a family event on Saturday and would be driving back on Sunday. Carmen made the simple statement that she was disappointed with the fact that they would not have any time to hang out and he laid into her about how she was not a good friend. He told her how everything she did she did out of selfishness. She was floored. She was also very hurt. Daniel’s example to her of her selfishness was to remind her of how she had flown out to Florida (on her dime) to drive across country with him when he recently moved back to California, and how he believed she had done this for herself rather than for him. Now I have to say that this statement made NO sense to me. How he could come up with this twisted version of her intentions was beyond me (and her) but this is actually what he said to her. Go figure.
On Sunday Daniel called Carmen again. I didn’t think it was worth her while to answer it, but she did. She was curious to see what he had to say, and I believe she thought he would apologize and say something about being in a bad mood when she spoke to him on Friday. This was not the case. When she informed him that he had hurt her feelings he merely told her that he believed in what he said. He also told her that she should take another look at herself if she thought she was a good friend because she wasn’t and she was simply fooling herself. Carmen finally said that if that is what he truly thought of her then they should end their friendship. He agreed and she hung up. We went downstairs to talk about it. In a way, Carmen and I are in the same boat. We both made best friends of our exes and we both watched those friendships crumble with devastating effects. We talked for a good hour about what it feels like to really love someone who cannot return the love. How with both of these men, all we ever wanted to do was let them know they were loved because we believed that they had not been shown this in their lives. We both wanted to be there for these guys because they made us smile, made us feel safe, and, when we were “with” them, made us think that true love was possible. Apparently, neither of these men felt the way we did. Now Carmen and I know that we have to move on, but I think both of us are have been really reluctant to actually do it. I know, at least for me, I thought him and I would be best friends forever, if not more, but certainly not less.
Losing a best friend is an incredibly painful thing for me. I have never had to experience something like this before. I loved Doug, with everything in me. He was such a huge part of my life. At one point I even considered moving to Texas to stay close to him and his son, to remain a part of his family. I don’t think he ever really knew just how
important he was to me. Or if he did, I don’t think it mattered all that much. Even with all the negative there was so much positive, if you can understand that. I was telling my friend the other day about my brothers Barmitvah. I think the thing that will forever stick in my mind is slow dancing with Doug and having him sing in my ear “there’s nothing wrong with me loving you” from “Let’s Get it On.” It was such a tender moment for me. I remember my step-mom (along with a few others) asking me when the wedding was because they said that him and I looked so in love. I know it was only teasing, but it still made my heart ache. I know I was just a silly girl but my heart was invested.
On the drive home I asked Carmen if there was a moment when she thought about Dan that made her ache. Her answer was “just one (giggle)?” I explained to her that I meant was there a defining moment in her relationship that if she had done it differently did she wonder if it would have changed the course of the relationship. She said no and asked if I did. I did. It was the night when Carmen, Dan, Doug and I went to see Brotherhood of the Wolf. When Doug and I got back to my house we climbed in bed and talked and joked for a long time. We started to play fight and then he was on top of me. He looked down at me with such intensity that I started to get scared. He kissed me. My heart was pounding. I don’t really know why this moment scared me so much, but I knew that if I didn’t do something to change the mood I was in trouble. So I stopped it. I asked questions about why he wanted to be so intimate with me. I lied about not being interested in love making but only in sex. I started a fight. He ended it. He left that night, no longer my boyfriend. I often wondered if I had not been so afraid what it may have turned into from there. But as Carmen says, if he hadn’t ended it then he would have any minute after that. I know that thinking about that night is dwelling, but it is the one moment that really strikes me as being such a waste. There were so many arguments. So many tears. So much pain. Yet, I don’t think I would change a thing. Well, maybe one…
I wish that my best friend and I hadn’t hurt each other so much. We loved each other very much and had a very intense relationship. My jealousy and his not wanting to take responsibility were major problems for us. The last betrayal, the one where he went into my website, well that destroyed my trust for him. I don’t think that can be fixed.
It has come to my attention that he believes that I broke into his site first. I need to say for the record that I never, ever, would do something like that. There is also some talk that I asked someone else to do it, again, this is something I will swear on my life I would never do. As angry as I have been with him, I would never hurt him, not for any reason, and what saddens me most is that I thought he knew me well enough to know that I am not that kind of person. Perhaps he is holding me responsible for the actions of others, and in that case there isn’t much I can do. But I can promise him, and his family, that I only ever wanted the best for him, and still do.
Kisses
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