I have never been married. I hadn't been with anyone I wanted to marry until I was 36 or 37. That isn't to say I didn't love my exes. I just never wanted to marry them. In all fairness, they never asked.
I have been on a binge of The Good Wife. I have always liked Julianna Margulies so I decided to give it a chance. Honestly, it is just another soap opera with mostly predictable plots but I do get to gaze at Chris Noth and I do enjoy that.
The thing is, it is triggering me. I am the bad girl in these kinds of stories. No, I am not a super hot call-girl (although I am kinda cute) and no, he wasn't a politician with an amazingly loving and supportive wife. He was just a guy I fell in love with when I shouldn't have. I spent five years of my life loving him, supporting him, and trying to "fix" him...because man is he broken. I know this is coming from my mouth but if you pit us against each other in a "who is more fucked up" race he is going to win hands down.
I really did wrestle with his being married. Not always, but a lot. I recall going to a dark place in my head that would allow me to fantasize that all the things he told me were real. That he never loved her, that he married her for his green card, that he chose her because she would not leave him like his first wife had because she was too weak and needy to leave him, that he stayed for the kids (yes, I said it, there were two). He used every line married men use to keep us connected but that allows them to keep their cake and eat it too.
I never betrayed his trust, I never asked him to leave her (well once, but I was drunk and we were kissing under the Eiffel Tower so my defenses and sensibilities were lowered.) I showed up whenever he asked even though he could rarely show up for me. He told me I brought him back to life and I foolishly believed him. Am I usually this gullible? Maybe, I will have to think on it.
So what became of the only man I would ever have married? He left me for another woman. Not his wife of course, just a person we both knew. Shocking, I know. It took me four months to figure out he was seeing another (third) person and then it all blew up. Mostly in my face.
Some of you probably think I deserved it, and maybe I did - but that heartbreak put me down for two years. Had he returned to his family instead of leaving me to start a new affair I would have been ok. I even expected that to be how things would end. But that wasn't the case and I had closed my eyes to the idea that he would/could ever do something like that to me. I suppose karma was served.
I am sure disclosing this publicly will make some people judge me even more than usual but this is my place to work through my messiness. You don't have to stay - I actually never invited you in. Your welcome to come here anytime, but you may not like what you hear.
xoks
“What is done out of Love is beyond Good and Evil” (I call shenanigans)
― Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil
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