Been a very long couple of weeks. Between traveling, getting sick, and a few struggles scattered in there, I haven't been up to writing. Fatigue is the main culprit. Could not get enough sleep to save my soul last week. My fucking body keeps betraying me.
After Bottlerock I was very worn down physically. Even though I was on my best behavior (only had a few cocktails over three days, got to bed at reasonable hours, didn't make out with any strangers) I still got my ass handed to me via a superbug. I blame it on the hippy crowd at Tom Petty.
Instead of continuing on my path of being a good kid, on a Saturday morning, I hopped on a plane to NOLA for a week of...NOLA. I arrived sick and exhausted. Not my usual self. I did what I could to push through but by Tuesday it was clear that I needed to be home. Closer to my doctor and in my own bed. This is the first time I have ever had to bail on a vacation and the last time I ever want to leave my home away from home of New Orleans as I only get so much time there every year. I was so sad getting on the plane, doped up on cold medicine so my fellow passengers wouldn't throw me off mid-flight, that I actually cried a little as the plane took off. My happy place was slowly fading away from my view and I was simply too sick to do anything else but go home. I am grateful for every minute I get to spend there and spoiled that I get to go at all. I am just doing a bit of whining...
In terms of my mental health, things have been going relatively well. My last booster was about 6 or 7 weeks ago and I am still feeling level. I have reduced my medication by half (I have been on anti-depressants for 22 years) and am not sliding backward. My goal is to live my life off of meds, but I will take it one day at a time.
When Chris Cornell passed away, I was very shaken and confused. It hit me so hard (and still does) that some people actually teased me for crying over a person I had never met. I can handle the teasing. The thing some people don't get is that Chris was my guy. My favorite vocalist, my musician crush, my hero. Losing him to suicide made me feel lost and scared. My heart is not healing.
I have spoken about the spiral many times here and how easy it is to wake up on the bottom and not know how you got there. Afraid to tell your people you are down again because they are so afraid you won't get back up. It is so much to manage all the time. But I am blessed with the people in my life, the community I found online, and the fact that I know there is relief and joy out there.
As a reminder, to my readers (all eight of you) please read about, talk about, and support KIT. It saved my life and gave me a path to living rather than just surviving.
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