In Undertow

I had a grand plan to blog about my bizarre trip to Colorado. From my emotional rollercoaster ride in Boulder to my blissful days in Denver. It was going to be brilliant, insanely funny, and terribly heartbreaking. Each night, as I fell asleep, I would write it in my head. It would have been one of my best pieces, but now that I am a few weeks out, I changed my mind. Instead, I give you...stalking.

Actually, I give you cyber stalking, but you were kind of thrilled for a minute, weren't you?

Social media gives me way too much access to people I don't need to know anything about. From celebrities to my exes; I can stalk them all. What I can't (personally) figure out is why I would want to? Especially the exes. Why the fuck would I care about what they are tweeting, IGing, FBing? Why do I want to see if they are happy or broken (although, I seem to be the only one who is openly admitting to how broken one can be.) Anytime I find myself Googling an ex I end up feeling raw for the remainder of the day/week/month. I get distracted and upset. I feel...lonely. Yet, at least once a week, I seem to be stalking someone's page like the masochist I am.

I am pulling back a little from social media. I have locked my Twitter down, blocked a handful of people from accessing any of my accounts, and am posting less and less on FB. I need to step away a little from the ability to torture myself. In my continuing journey to be an emotionally healthier person, I realize that most of my social posting leans towards a specific audience that I shouldn't be seeking. 

I am terribly imperfect. I fight with myself every day to try to do what is best for my heart and it is a tough battle. I know that the more distant I get from the tragedy that was my love life over the last twenty years, the better I will get. Allowing my past to be my past, moving towards a healthier future, is the only way I can move. Sadly, some days, it seems my feet are stuck in cement and when I try to take a step, I simply fall on my face. 

xoks