I was raised by atheists. I didn't officially know this until my 30's because we literally never talked about religion. We are Jewish and it was (and still is) common to celebrate the biggest High Holy days. I don't recall any of the gatherings feeling like religious events. It was more about being culturally connected to the Jewish community, seeing family and drinking/eating. To confuse matters more, my Jewish family celebrated Easter and Christmas. Chanukah followed right by Xmas was the highlight of my childhood holiday experience.
When I was 12 and learned that I could get cash and presents if I had a Bat Mitzvah I was suddenly very interested. When I was informed that I had to attend classes and learn Hebrew I bailed on the idea. I had so little connection Judaism other than the two or three times a year we attended Temple. I always enjoyed being there but I never wanted to go.
I recall when my sister was getting sober (32 years ago) that she told me she was struggling with her second step and many of the prayers. The idea of a higher power or a god was alien to us both. Who was she talking to? As far as we were concerned we were still two little punk chicks who sang along with anti-Christ songs on Broadway. It simply wasn't a part of our make-up. For me it was a part of being a cool punk rocker - of course I was an atheist, what kind of god would allow us to make nukes and starve children? I honestly had no idea what I was talking about. I just wanted to fit in with the cool kids.
Back to my sister. On her path to getting sober, she adopted the moon as her higher power. She would pray to the moon because she could see it, it was clearly something bigger than herself and it would always be there for her. I totally got that.
The first few years of her sobriety I attended a lot of meetings with her and would open and close the meetings reciting the Serenity Prayer, but I never uttered the first word:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
I loved it. Serenity, accept, courage, wisdom. But I couldn't bring myself to say god.
About six + years ago when my mental health really started to affect my ability to function, I found myself in a different 12 step room. A place that would save my life. I was back to square one (or step 2 in my case) with a need to find a higher power. I needed to be able to turn things over to something bigger than myself. Without the willingness to let go I wasn't going to make it.
So hello moon!
Like my sister all those years ago, when I started to pray, I started with the moon. It worked. I found a place to lay down all of my pain and fears every night. I would ask the moon to grace me with me serenity, to lend me courage and to show me wisdom. I would often beg the moon for peace of mind. I would cry and scream at the moon for making me unwell to begin with. There were many nights that I would thank the moon for helping me stay alive. Eventually, I would just pray. Every night I would say the serenity prayer as I was falling asleep. I have been doing this for 2,372 nights (give or take).
I still do not have a god in my life but I believe in the power of turning things over when you can no longer handle them, of seeking assistance from the world around you when you are in need. I don't really think anyone is "listening" when I pray but I like the feeling of putting it out to the universe before I fall asleep. Something about that ritual allows me to settle in each night a little lighter in my heart.
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