Tell Me it Gets Better

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, I know, I know, I am late, but I have been busy.

Christmas Rocked. I spent Christmas Eve with Mom, Alicia, Justin, Austin, Madison, Hayden, Elaine, Wanda, Ed, Elaine, Nikki, and Wanda’s sister and nephews. That group exchanged gifts after dinner. Carmen joined me around 10PM and we were asleep (way too much food) by midnight.

Around 7 AM the next morning mom had us up and over at my sister Alicia’s house for Santa. The house was bustling with excitement. We exchanged gifts, ate breakfast and had a great time. That morning we went to see Lord of the Rings, the Two Towers. Amazing movie. Well worth giving up my naptime, which I promptly took after the movie.

When I woke up Carmen was leaving to her moms and I had to hustle to Kerri and Suzanne’s for dinner. Summer, Christian, Annabella, Alicia, Justin, Austin, Madison, Toni, Hayden, Kerri, Suzanne, Chris, Nancy and myself all hung out to eat yummy food Kerri had cooked. Dinner was great, company was great, it was the end of a really good holiday, or so I thought.

The next morning I went to San Diego to visit Andrew and Jennifer, Sandy and Frank, Eric and Lyn, and surprise, surprise, Doug too. It was so nice to see his face when I got off the plane. He hugged me and I almost started to cry. I hate being away from him. He makes me feel so safe, I just wanted him to hug me forever. We spent the day shopping with Ms. Jennifer, my little Princess in Training. She is so wonderful; wish I could see her everyday. That night we went to see Grandpa Bud and Grandma Berry. We had dinner there and laughed and took pictures. I got to meet more of the family; they all took to me, as Doug’s family tends to do. We had a really nice evening, everyone assuming Doug and I are a couple, us correcting them all the time. It is funny how people see us. Funnier how we can’t see ourselves.

The next day we went to meet Andrew at the mall. It was a surprise for him to see me. He was thrilled and I almost started to cry. I can’t express how much I miss him. He is such a light in my heart. I wish they had never left. Alas they did, and I need to learn to let go. How? I don’t know, I just know I have to.

It was so hard to leave. I cried when I got on the plane. I did not want to leave them. I started to think I had made a mistake going, seeing them, being close with them again, then I realized it was a nice reprieve from my sadness here and they wanted to be with me. I needed them and I wish I could spend the rest of my life that close and safe with them, but who knows how it will all play out.

New Years was OK. I loved being with Carmen and Mari but the night got weird and I went home around 12:30. I climbed in bed and shut out the world. The next day I went to my dads’ house with my sister and her family. We had a great meal, and exchanged more gifts and so on.

That ends my holiday rant. It was great. But last year, well that was the best I have ever had. Things change.

That being said, I think the New Year has brought on a depression I am unfamiliar with. I no longer feel safe anywhere. I can not seem to stay happy for very long. I am tired all the time. Being out of work is not helping. I feel isolated and angry. I tried to talk to my friend about it tonight, but it didn’t help much. In fact it merely added to my feeling of being alone. I have been in love with this person for over a year. I thought that with time to heal he would find his feelings for me are the same, but once again, I am reminded that I am missing something which makes me worthy of a relationship with someone I adore. I am not sure what is wrong with me, I just know that I am not enough, in so many ways, as to be deemed worthy of being someone’s partner. It is kinda the story of my life. I was with my last love for seven years, and no matter what I did, it was never enough. I know it sounds pathetic, but it is also true.

Just take that spotlight off of me
It’s much too bright, I can not see
And once again, again I’m shown,
Where there is love I am alone.
Won’t someone just take care of me?

Now people ask where have I been?
My answer short, I’ve been within
And if their eyes just turn away
I know it’s none but words to them
Won’t someone just take care of me?

It is time for some drastic steps, I am just not sure in what direction…