Down with my sickness

I am such a masochist. After being faithful to myself and not reading journals for almost a month I had to go and torture myself. A little catch up reading and now I know more of the truth than I ever needed to. God it is painful to realize how little I was cared for, how easy it is to dismiss me as being the one with all the problems, the one who caused this terrible mess. I hate that I love as deeply as I do. That I fall for men who are a mess, with nothing to give and so much energy to take because they have been stripped by their last love. I should have known this last time. I should have seen the outcome long before it happened. I should, I should, I should...but I didn't.

I was looking at pics of us, seeing this love only I imagined. Not realizing early on that I was alone there. There isn't one person in our lives that didn't see what we shared, except him, and thats all that really mattered. It amuses me that several friends have told me that if I have any desire to know him again I should contact them first and they will keep me "safe". Safe would have been never knowing him, never touching him and certainly never loving him, so I guess safe is outta the question.

I thought he could love me more than anyone he had ever met, that is certainly how I felt about him, but there are too many other women to fancy, too many other wounds to heal, way too much time needed and I came to him at the wrong moment, although maybe there would never be a good time for him.

Just a little sadness going a long ways.

Kisses