OK, let me tell you a little story. It begins when I decide to tell my ex-boyfriend that we can no longer be friends because he has been dishonest. No big deal, happens all the time. We go our own ways. Again, no big deal, he lives in Texas and I live in California. This event happens in January of this year. Now, I have a website, as you all know (heh). I also have something called webstats, which monitors who has been visiting my webpage by IP address. During the month of January (well actually from January 22 to January 31) my ex visits my website 23 times. OK so he likes to check in on me, cool. February comes and from February 1 to February 14 he visits my site another 40 plus times, ok a little over the top. On Valentines day I decide that I have been missing him and want to say hello, so I jump online and say hi. He tells me that he is immensely pleased to hear from me but is also wary. I can understand this, because I feel the same way. I don’t really have a lot of faith in our friendship, but I miss him so I figure what the hell. I put myself out there (again) to see if we can make a go at being friends. On top of all of this, I miss his son. I want to be a part of his sons life, so I am willing to try to work things through for the opportunity to remain in his sons life.
So now, I have a posting from February 13th. Please take a moment to read it. On February 15th I notice that my ex has posted a comment to my site. The comment WAS:
Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all nightlong
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow tall?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!
OK, so I thought this was cute and silly and a nice way to show he was interested in being friends again. This being the case, I decide that it will be ok to read his site again. I hadn’t read his site in almost a month so there was a lot to read. Somewhere after the 15th of February was a “poem” or a stream of consciousness that, when I read it, struck me. My first thought was, “this has nothing to do with me, and if I think it does then I have an ego problem.” But then I read it again, and I thought “this is about me.” Then I read it again and I thought “he wrote this as if he WAS me.” It was a pretty insulting piece. It made me look pretty sad and pathetic. So I asked my sister and best-friend to read it and tell me what they thought. Both of them were pretty upset with the piece. They thought it fucked up to post something so personal about me in a public place. I felt the same, but I didn’t really want to react. I just kinda sat with it. I did discuss the piece with my ex, who told me it was an exercise in writing and that in writing the piece he had brought himself to tears. I told him in reading the piece it had brought me to tears as well, but for different reasons. I felt very hurt about this posting but again, I let it go. I am no sure if it was the next day or the day after but my ex IMed me to tell me my best friend had sent him a comment on his site. I was surprised, and KNEW it was prolly not a good one. He sent me the post and I said that I guessed she didn’t like his poem and he agreed. We pretty much dropped it there. Later my best friend called me to tell me that he had posted a reply to her comment. It was at this moment that I wanted out of it. I told her I was not reading his site anymore because it was a little upsetting to me since the poem posted and so she told me his reply. I was VERY sure then that I was not going to read anymore. My understanding is that she and my ex went a few rounds about her thoughts and his thoughts, but I didn’t want to hear about it, it was making my stomach hurt. She was cool about it, said it was her business and she felt the need to let him know what she felt about him. Fine, it wasn’t my business anymore. I knew it was going to go badly, but I never figured it would go SO badly. My best friend told me her honesty REALLY pissed my ex off. OK, so I am worried about his feelings, I admit it. Then she tells me that he is saying that she has been mislead, that she has not got all the correct information. And I start to think “she doesn’t have any real solid information, we don’t talk about most of the mean things my ex has done cause I spent the last year covering up for his behavior.” And yet, he is assuming that the way my best friend feels about him is MY fault. Talk about denial. My best friend (along with most of the people in this area) never liked him. They tolerated him because I thought I was in love with him and they wanted me to be happy. Friends do this. They also pay attention to what is in front of their face (unlike some people) and they took in most of the lame details of my rocky relationship with my ex. But the story gets worse.
So one day, while all this is happening, I notice a comment posted on the same blog as the one my ex commented on. I look at the comment and it reads:
“WhatIf you crawl back into the hole you came from?” or something to that effect. Additionally, the return email address was _______sucks@hisdomain.com. When I went to click on the return address it sent me to a version of my exes website that had been transformed into Ebonics (kinda). Now, this, I will admit, made me laugh, but I really thought nothing of it. It was an anonymous posting, not a very nice one, but people do that shit all the time. I have never removed a comment so I figured I wasn’t going to change my policy now. Not over this. It seemed silly and unimportant. Now here is where it gets really fucked up. On Saturday I go to look at my webstats. The program is off. Odd, I think. I turn it back on (at this point, just so you know, it is February 22 and my ex has been on my site 60 times since the first of February) and email my host and ask them what happened. On Sunday I am chatting with a friend. This friend asks me what happened to the comments posted on February 13? I tell this friend I have no idea what they are talking about and go look. Sure enough, the comments are gone. Along with a few others. I start to get freaked out. I sign into my journal and decide to check the history. There is an IP address there that is not mine. I trace the IP address and guess where it leads me? You got it, my exes home in Texas. So the man has BROKEN into my journal and altered it, as well as BROKEN into my website and turned off my webstats. Un-fucking-believable. This is a man who prides himself on his honesty and integrity. Then he has the nerve to break into my PERSONAL business and change it to suit himself. Let me say this, when I asked all my geek friends what they would do if someone did that to them, here is a list of answers I received:
A. I would kick his ass
B. I would turn him into the authorities
C. I would hunt him down and hurt him
D. I would mess with him so hard
I didn’t want to take any of the above actions. I just wanted to know why someone who claimed to be so honest and kind would do something as low as BREAK INTO my site and mess with it. I was so hurt and angry by this that I lost it. I really did. I cried for over an hour. The betrayal, the lack of integrity, and just the plain old meanness of it all broke my heart. I would never, ever do something like this to anyone. I trusted my ex, with all of my heart. He took my trust and betrayed me. End of story. Long friendship ended.
You ask if it hurts? Hell yes it hurts. He WAS so very important to me, but he has taken that all away, killed any feelings I had for him by this final act of betrayal. It was more than I could take.
No kisses tonight.
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