Am I boring you yet?

It has been a rough week. My Carmelinda lost her grandpa and is in Minnesota at his funeral today. I didn't have the funds to go with her, which really upset me, but times are what they are so I settled it with myself. Prior to going to Minn., she had an interview at Bryn Mawr on Friday. I know it was really hard for her to even sit through the interview, but she said it went VERY well! An Ivy League school for Pea!! I hope she gets in, that would rock.

Yoga is super cool. After my second class I learned to relax into my poses and it turns out you wont be sore the next day. Who knew? (ummm, my teacher). I love the class, I am gonna start sneaking into Wednesdays also!! Although I still have to use blocks for most poses, I am getting closer and closer to touching my toes...heh.

Kisses

Maggie I wish I'd Never Seen Your Face

We got a new puppy!!! He is so damn cute, Mom named him Lincoln (a family name) but she changes it so often who knows if it will stick. He is all white except his ears and nose, which are spotted black and pink. He is about 12 weeks old, a mix of Great Dane and the Budwieser dog. he is a love, we napped together today.

I went to add classes today at school, I couldn't get into my Yoga class on Mondays and Wednesdays so I am moving it to Tuesdays and Thursdays which means no French class. A drag but I will take an Art class instead. Being on campus was cool. I thought I would feel really old but there is a HUGE adult population there so I was completely comfortable.

My ears are healed and I am hoping to go to Industrial Steel this week for new earrings. They have a huge collection of 10 gauge earrings so Carmen and I will prolly head over there after school one day. After school, heh.

Kisses

OK, Ouch!

Carmen, Alex (her new man) and I went to Body Manipulations this evening...suffice to say I can NEVER walk into a place like that without doing SOMETHING, so I up-gauged my earrings. I went from an 18 to a 10. It stung man! But they are lovely and I have steel hoops with pink tigers eye capture beads. I figure by Friday I won't feel a thing. Carmen went from a 10 to an 8 and Alex peirced his tongue. A fun time for all.

My last day at work is Friday. I can not wait to be outta there. My life is gonna change pretty fast here. I am signing up for some classes on Friday afternoon at College of Marin. I am super excited.

I am in the process of changing my meds which means "washing" the Prozac outta my system (ugh, it makes me sooooo tired) and then in a month starting something new. I have a meeting with my Doc on Friday to discuss stragety to keeping me happy and sane.

Everything, well it will fall into place. I am finally letting go of everything toxic in my life and I think I will be a better person for it.

Kisses

Who Knew

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And nurse me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming in tales
Heads are a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

Soul Weary Tired

I resigned from my job with the government. Yep, thats me...unemployed again. Well not right away actually, I have a few months to finalize my short-life with the Man. I am so done. I will look for something new, I will be ok.

My fatherhas offered me his Mercedes in exchange for my Audi. I get his free, he gets my payments. I will really have to consider this offer, it seems pretty rocking.

Things are changing in my life. The end of a long-time ride. I am both thrilled and saddened. It is time. Soon it will all be over.

Kisses

Just the Way

Do you remember once upon a time
When you were mine
The stars above were bright and new
I pulled them down for you
Just when I fell in love again
You said that all good things must end

Baby, that's just the way it is Baby
Baby, that's just the way it is Baby

I never had a head for solitare
It's so unfair
That I'd should have my chance and lose
Feel like I've been used to help you
Through another night
You spelled in out in black and white

Baby, that's just the way it is Baby
Baby, that's just the way it is Baby

The tides that had once carried you away
They bring you back again today
Time has washed away my pain
You'll find that things have changed
And disappeared without a trace
You can't get back what you've erased
And I say

Baby, that's just the way it is Baby
That's just the way it is
Baby, that's just the way it is Baby
That's just the way it is

Chasing the Devil's Tail (Tale?)

I am a lagger. I know it, you know it, so be it. I am still recovering from my yearlong, sleep as late as you want, party like a rock-star vacation. It was so nice, and working is such a bitch sometimes, but money is nice and so is being useful. The job itself? Well….it is ok. The government is a very different place to work. I keep forgetting I am not the top dog, so to speak, and getting most things DONE (as in finalized) is a beast. They love me there, which is great, but it is a struggle not to constantly say things like “OH, come on, it is a SIMPLE thing, let’s make a decision here.” That wouldn’t go over well, but I think it a lot…heh.

Living in Marin with my mom rocks. I was a little stressed because I had my kitties with a friend and I wasn’t able to move on, umm, moving as fast as I had hoped, but we resolved that issue a week ago, and I have my kitties with me now! All three, and me, in my room…lol. It is fucking hilarious. We fight over the bed every night, and they usually win. Other than that, and the hair, it is great. They are so cool. Soon I will be letting them outside to roam. They stare longingly all day out the window…it is time.

I have been having the weirdest dreams for the past two months. I am trying so hard, before I go to sleep, to think of things I would like to dream about but it never works out. I process a lot in my dreams so I know it is a good thing, but I wake up some mornings so bent out of shape. It makes me more tired than I would otherwise be.

I got a new tattoo for my birthday (thank you everyone who made it possible.) She is lovely, and I am working on posting her picture under my tattoo page A.S.A.P so keep checking in. I just have to remember how to update the damn thing, heh. I have her and dozens of other pictures to post I just haven’t had time. Soon, I swear.

Halloween is coming up so soon. A kinda weird time for me. I am really looking forward to trick-or-treating with the kids, but some one is missing this year and it makes my heart hurt. I know it just is what it is, but I still feel it. I am going to Jerry and Ritchie’s for the usual huge bash. I am so pleased Halloween is on a Friday, gives me more time to recover, which we all usually need after a night at J & R’s. I still have not decided on a final costume, although a cowgirl is not out of the question. We shall see.

So in general, life is really good. I am happy, I am sane and I am safe (well happy and sane most of the time.) My family is so supportive and loving, my friends are wonderful to me and my bills are under control. What more can a girl ask for?

Kisses

Make a Difference

Slow dancing on the boulevard
In the quiet moments
while the city’s still dark
Sleepwalking through the summer rain
and the tired spaces
You could hear her name
when she was warm and tender
And you held her arms around you
There was nothing but her
love and affection
She was crazy for you
Now she's part of something that you lost

And for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you wanna be
Yeah, what you wanna be

Night swimming in her diamond dress
Making small circles move across the surface
Stand watching from the steady shore
Feeling wide open and waiting for
Something warm and tender
Now she's moving further from you
There was nothing that could
make it easy on you
Every step you take reminds you
that she's walking home

Yeah, for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want

Every word you never said
Echoes down your empty hallway
And everything that was your world
Just came down

Day breaking on the boulevard
Feel the sun warming up your second hand heart
Light swimming right across your face
And you think maybe someday, yeah
Maybe someday

For all you know
Yeah, this could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want

Yeah, for all you know
For all you know
Yeah, for all that you know
This is what you wanna be
What you wanna be

Kisses

She lives

Boy, I have been way out of it. I have not had any desire to write. Can't explain it, just didn't feel like it.

I am still unemployed. It's actually ok though. I am living in Marin with my mom, I live less than a block from my sister and her kids, and I am feeling pretty relaxed. I would love to be back in the grind, but for now I am satisfied that I am safe and welcome.

I have been struggling the last few days. Mt ex (the one I was with for 7 years) has really gone out of his way to be a jerk. My mom received her Masters in Psychology last month and my sister, moms best-friend and I threw her a big party. I talked to my ex every day for a week prior to the party, made plans for him to surprise her and got him a ride here. We even talked the night before, kidding about sneaking off to make out (heh), but when the time came for him to meet his ride he was a no show. I called, his ride called, he ignored the calls. Since then I have called him a few times, feeling worried about his well-being, but he ignores me. I am really unsure what happened. It is like he was joking about wanting to be friends; about being a part of my life, and the end of the joke is really painful. I wish I could just let it go, but I am stuck on how it is making me feel. Dumb boys.

I really need to get started on my exercise. My weight is coming off slowly but I want to see shape results NOW. I know I need to get active so I have decided to sign up for a three-day walk for Breast Cancer. We walk from San Jose to San Francisco...brutal. There is a training program so I am thinking of working with them to achieve my goal. My aunt lost her life last year to BC so it is really important to me to do this.

June 24th was my little sisters’ bday. She would have been 31. Crazy, I miss her like mad. Happy Birthday baby.

Saw Charlie’s Angels last night with a group of gals. It KICKED ASS. I had a great time. Was so pleased it didn't suck. Needed a little hot chick flick...heh.

OK, what else. Oh, I went off my meds about a month ago. It is cool. I am actually feeling surprisingly all right. I was afraid to let them go, but after 9 years…it was time.

I think that may be all for now. I am going to try to write at least once a week so I can keep checking in with me. Who else is gonna :)

Kisses

When we last left off....

I had a guest last week. Sandy, Doug’s (my ex) mom came to see me for her birthday. She arrived on Thursday the 17th at the ungodly hour of 8AM and we went to my house so she could look around. We ran some errands, had a great lunch with Carmen and Paulie and decided to hit the road that day instead of waiting for morning. Yep, we took off for McMinnville, OR. Why OR you ask? Well to see Jennifer of course. Jennifer is Sandy’s granddaughter. This was Sandy’s b-day gift to herself. A trip to see her wonderful Jennifer, and I was extremely happy to be invited along. We drove for about 6 hours and decided to crash in Medford for the night. In the morning we raced to McMinnville. Originally we had planned to just do the full day drive and see Jennifer and her family that night, but I really didn’t want to have to drive 10 plus hours in one day if I could avoid it. When we arrived in OR it was around 2PM and I asked if I could call Judy (Jennifer’s mom) to see if it would be ok to grab Jennifer from school. She was really sweet when I called, since I caught her early. So we went to Jennifer’s school and picked her up as a surprise. She was really excited to see us. I got to meet her best friend, Freya and we headed back to Judy’s house. This is the first time I have met Judy and the rest of her family. We arrived at their house and there was a ton of family hanging out. Judy and her husband John. Lori and her four boys, Michael, Trevor, Jojo and Matthew. Then the rest of the kids started coming home. Rebecca (a weekend visitor from Portland) Jonathan and Jessica (the twins) and finally JD. A lot of activity from the get go. The house, according to Judy, is always busy. Seemed fun to me, but I can imagine just needing down time sometimes. We hung out for a few and then packed Jennifer up for a few days in the hotel with us.

Friday night was easy going. We had dinner and then went to see Holes. Great movie, we all enjoyed it more than we thought we would. We were in bed early so we could get up in the morning for some much needed SHOPPING. We got up early and had breakfast then headed to Salem for the mall. We had a blast. We hit every store, shopped and shopped until we were too tired to continue and then headed back to our hotel to get ready for dinner. When we got there Sandy decided to just stay in. I took Jennifer to Ruby Tuesday’s for dinner. We had a nice time, just the two of us talking and eating. She is a wonderful person. Very kind and thoughtful. We went back to the hotel (we brought home leftovers KNOWING Sandy would be hungry when we got there) and curled up in bed to read and watch TV. Jennifer decided to sleep in my bed. I thought Sandy was being generous letting me have Jennifer for the night but at about 2AM with Jennifer kicking me and making her way to sleep at the foot of the bed, I realized Sandy merely wanted a good nights sleep. LOL. Jennifer and I woke up sleeping diagonally across the bed; me at the top and Jennifer at the bottom…kids are fun, eh.

In the morning we went out for a light breakfast and then to buy a few things for Easter dinner. Judy and her mom Carolyn were cooking Easter dinner for us. We arrived a little early. When we got there everyone was already there. Carolyn and her husband Chuck, Judy and John and all the kids. It was awesome. There was a ton of food, and Easter eggs hidden everywhere. Unfortunately, there was a little mix up about Easter baskets and Jennifer didn’t have one. Easily taken care of though, I put her in the car and we went to Safeway to build her one. It was really fun. We grabbed up everything in site and made the basket right there on the check out counter. We went back to the house and I played video games with Jonathan (he whooped me). Then I played some chess with Jonathan (again, he whooped me, the kids is Smart!) We had a really nice dinner and then sat down to play Yatzee with Jennifer and Jonathan. OK, he didn’t whoop me that time, but only because it is a game of chance…then we all took a trip to Lori’s house in Newberg. We hung out for a little bit visiting with the kids and such before heading back to McMinnville.

That night Carolyn and Chuck had offered their home to us so we spent two nights at their house instead of a hotel. It was really nice of them. They have two pups named Rusty and Frankie, Dachshunds, who took some time to warm to me, but eventually became all cute and more friendly. On Monday, while Jennifer was in school, Sandy and I got a chance to hit some of the little antique stores on 3rd Street before picking up Jennifer and Freya from school. We went back to Judy’s for a few hours before heading to 3rd Street Pizza for a school meeting about a trip that Jennifer and Sandy are taking to NY this summer. We had a really good time at the pizza place and then headed back to Judy’s to play Scrabble with the kids. I could only get Freya and Jennifer to play with me though. When it got late and Sandy and I took Freya home and headed to Carolyn’s for the night. Carolyn and I really hit it off, she is a riot!

Early in the morning, Sandy and I hit the road for home. It was hard leaving. I had had such a great time. Sandy and I drove all the way to Redding to see her ex-husbands sister Les. I had planned on maybe staying the night there with them but being only 3 hours from my bed, I just couldn’t do it. I hung out for a couple of hours and jumped in my car and raced home.

I was so excited to be home. It is so nice to climb in your own bed after so many nights in other ones. My plan was to go to sleep early and sleep late. The early part happened that night, the sleeping late, nope, no way. Sandy had me on a whole new schedule and I was up at 7AM (ugh!) I am still all wonky with my sleep, heh.

So now I have Sandy coming back to me today and we are going to have dinner with my family. I have to get her to the airport at the painful hour of 5AM, so as you can imagine, tonight will be an early one.

Finally, I am moving to mom’s on the 6th. I have yet to pack a damn thing, but I have all the details of the move pretty much nailed down. Tomorrow friends and family are coming over to help pack a bit, which will help. Then I have a week to get everything in order which should be fine. I am really excited about this move. I get to be with my family and just take some time to relax without the stress of paying $1,100 in rent…thank god for family!

Kisses

I have been bad...

I have been a little detached lately. Not all that into writing. I have been working out my love and my life and so far I am doing ok.

My roommate is moving in with her fiancé. That’s all cool, but it left me in a bad place. Really, I want her to be happy, but in her happiness I have basically lost my house. On May 15th, provided our landlord finds a new tenant, I will be putting my life in storage and moving into my mom’s. Heh, 33 and living with mom. The very cool thing, my mom rocks. She is amazing and wonderful and loving and will help me get back on track in this painful economy. I am looking into school again. I will look for work, but my priority is to destress and try to find some joy in life. Mom is willing to let me take the time to do that and I can not express to her how much that means to me. I have many decisions to make in the upcoming months and it will be nice to not be terrified while making those choices, to know I am safe and secure. My beautiful friend Marianne will be fostering for my three cats. She is a lifesaver, she and Aaron, her fiancé. They are really looking forward to having the boys there. I know they will be in great hands, I just hope there HUGE dog Peyo will be ok with it all.

I have not really been able to discuss my love life here. As it mostly does not exist. I tried to figure things out with an ex, but it just isn’t meant to be. I am ok with that, I really am. I am at peace with not being with him, but I miss so many things about him it is weird. I need to step back and let those things go, let them just be a sweet memory and not something I long for. I know this is the right thing to do. Makes my heart ache, but life goes on.

I visited with another “ex” (I use the term loosely) last night. He has become a wonderful friend and I don’t get many chances to see him so it was nice to be able to go over to his house, have him make dinner for me and fall asleep on the couch watching movies. I woke up in the guest room a little confused, but he brought me coffee in bed and everything was cool. He is such a nice guy, and would be a good “catch” except for the married bit. Yep, he is married, and his wife knows we are friends and is cool about it. I am happy for him that his marriage is so good. I have known him for years and there were times that he struggled with his marriage, and I was there for the worst of it, but things seem to be going wonderfully for him and it makes me happy.

I went to an open mike on Friday night. I wasn’t expecting to see so much talent. It was really fun. Singers, slam-poets, ranters, crazy people; they were all there. There was one artist, a singer named Evan Hadley. He was so great. We sat at the table with him, talked to him for hours; then he sang and I was smitten. The guy was awesome, on top of being super cute. Carmen took a real liking to him, which is great cause I think they would be a fun duo for dating. She is a little shy on the dating idea but I worked it for her. Got his number, talked her up, I think he will call her. It would be fun to hang with him again. If you get a chance check out his website www.evanhadley.com.

I have been focusing a lot on the person I want to be. This is such a strange time for me. I know I want to be single, I know I want to make major changes, I know I need to leave some people behind and further embrace those that are healthy and happy. It can be hard to do when you love those that you know are bad for you. But it also can be done and I am sure this is my time to clean house. I want this life, this one life I have, to be amazing, and in order for that to be, I have to be amazing. Working on it, I swear.

Kisses

We are at War

We bombed Iraq tonight. Can you imagine, it is 5 AM and bombs start dropping around you? I have no idea how people (ie the soldiers of the USA) can just fly in there and kill people. Saddam or no Saddam. It is ludicrous. People are already dying, and Carmen and I are lying in bed, feeling sad and confused. I wonder if Bush would be so ballsy if he thought they could retaliate with a force as strong as our own. I doubt it. Things are going to get really ugly people, and it just makes me sick. Please do what you can to let the government know how you feel about this atrocity.

Love

PS I really needed to share this

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/8812001.html

I swear I DID not write this, but I love this woman!

If I were to place a personal ad...

Attractive SWF ISO a Trainwreck

Do you hate your father or your mother, or both? Better yet, if you know deep down that your parents are evil, but you're still to this day vying for their attention and love, then you're the man I've been looking for!

Like drugs? Me too! Actually, I like YOU to take drugs while I sit back and rummage through your brain to suss out little confessions and confidential information.

In addition to the above, please have the following qualities:

Inability to express emotion - I love this! I can spend the next 5 years trying to figure you out to no avail, while getting my emotional needs fulfilled via tequila shots, a vibrator, and sleazy Gold's Gym pick-up artists.

Blown-up self-image to compensate for zero self-esteem a/k/a Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Let me worship you and be blessed by your presence. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you. You're perfect already and capable of supernatural feats such as physical invincibility (nothing can break this man and he never gets sick!), causing the universe to bend to your will (for example, you need a parking spot on a crowded street and one magically opens up - you did that!), and psychically fighting off those goddamned 5th dimensional alien-beings that are trying to take over Congress. I love you for that!

Commitmentphobic - Now this is sexy and guaranteed to drag out a 2-month fling over a decade! Don't worry, I'm one too. Everytime I start pulling away and getting a little tired of our games, you can come chase me and reignite my passion for you. Then when I start getting a little too close for comfort, you head for the hills! It's Cat n' Mouse at its finest!

A bit of larceny in your heart - Nothing's more fun than a little B&E and stealing some small meaningless items i.e. salt & pepper shakers. Theft not your thing? I'm also up for getting drunk on Mickeys’ and peeing on rich people's cars. I'll get the tires, tailpipes and fenders, you get the windows and doorhandles. Extra points for setting off the alarm.

Inept at Initimacy – Do you cringe at the thought of holding my hand, giving me a backrub, hugging, kissing, cunnilingus, private conversations and cuddling? Or, does the foregoing just seem pointless since, deep down, I should already know how you really feel about me? If either of the above are true, that’s great! I don’t need that shit either! We can just fuck at night before we go to bed, preferably doggy-style while you rub my clit until its numb. I’ll fake an orgasm so that we seem to simultaneously climax and then you can just rollover and go to sleep. I’ll finish off in the bathroom with Palmela and for a few passive-aggressive kicks, I’ll use the backside of your only pair of wearable pants to clean myself up. You’ll be looking mighty fine at work tomorrow with giz all over your booty. Now, isn’t all this MORE than enough? That’s what I’m saying!

Have a wandering eye – Simply put, I love beating the shit out of would-be interlopers. My eyes are sure to wander too, so you be the same.

The “Teddy-Bear” Ploy or When a man tells a woman, “ . . . but when you really get to know me, I’m actually a nice guy/sensitive sweet man/Teddy-Bear inside.” - Now most women who have been around the block, know that the Teddy Bear Ploy is a big load of shit. But I love that shit! I have that shit too! I want to fall in love with what you COULD BE, not who you ARE. As long as I have an insecurity, I’ll have the power to perpetuate my delusions indefinitely. You be the same.

Site Update

Well, with a little help from some friends I have changed my whole site. I have added new pages, pictures, and links. Thanks especially to Kris for working so hard for me.

I have made plans to go to Oregon with Sandy to see Jennifer and meet her mother Judy in April. I am really excited about it. Sandy has seen to it that all the necessary parties are ok with my visit so it looks like it is a go. Sandy asked me to do this for her birthday, how can I possibly not?

My weeks have been filled with interviews and friends. I actually have a second face-to-face with Micromenders this week. I am guessing this one could be mine if I really want it. I will let you all know how it goes.

I wish my brain wasnt so tired, then I could remember everything I have been meaning to write about. Alas, I can't.

Kisses

Ive tried so hard my dear to show
that you're my every dream
yet you're afraid each thing i do
is just some evil scheme

a memory from your lonesome past keeps us
so far apart
why cant i free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold cold heart

Another love from before my time
made your heart sad and blue
and so my heart is paying now
for things i didn't do
in anger unkind words i say
that made the teardrop start

why cant i free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold cold heart

another love before my time
made your heart sad and blue
and now i know your heart is shackled
to a memory
the more i learn
i get to you
the more we drift apart
why cant i free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold cold heart

So much to say

OK, sorry, been busy.

Where to start?

Had a really nice dinner with Kris and Thia the other night. We went for mexican food and then walked to Kris' house for wine and chat. We talked for about 5 hours. It was really great. She has been wonderful to me, very supportive and very caring and I can not thank her enough for opening up and trusting me. I am looking forward to cooking for her tomorrow night!

I had two job interviews this week. One I did not get (I think they already had someone in mind when I went in on Monday) and the other I aced. I will be seeing them again on Friday or Monday. Cool company, Micromenders, located in downtown SF. I would have really dug working for the company I interviewed with on Monday, but I understand how these things go. I will keep you updated on the Micromenders job.

My friend Mikey came in from Boston for a visit and a job interview. It is nice having him around. We all (Carmen, Paul, Russell, John B. and Mikey) are on our way out the door to Sushi. Yum.

I received an unexpected gift in the mail yesterday. It was a Milagro from my friend Lyn in Texas. Oh My God, she is soooo ruling. This woman is such a love. She is constantly sending me happy notes and making me smile. Thank you Lyn, you are the best!

Carmen is on Spring Break this week so we are doing fun things. Shopping, eating, sleeping late...Hey, this has been MY life for four months, heh. Welcome to heaven Pea.

OK, thats all for now. More to come when I have more time.

Kisses

I am a little hung over

There's only need
I love your need
So much I'm losing me
I cannot see the reason for the pain

With hungry joy
I'll be your toy
Just hoping you will play

Without hope my body starts to fail

Memories fade but the scars still linger
Goodbye my friend
Will I ever love again
Memories fade but the scars still linger

I cannot grow
I cannot move
I cannot fell my age
The vice like grip of tension holds me fast

Engulfed by you
What can I do
When History's my cage
Look foward to a future in the past

The more I talk
The more I say
The less you seem to hear
I'm speechless in a most peculiar way

Your mind is weak
Your need is great
And nothing is too dear
For you to use to take the pain away

Memories Fade
No don't pretend you can justify the end
Memories fade but the scars still linger

This one is just for me.

I spent the weekend at Jerry and Ritchie’s with Carmen. We had a party for Christopher’s birthday. We had food (I did not eat) wine (I had six glasses) and a great big hangover. I had a wonderful time. Jerry and I discussed having a baby again (yes, while I was sober) and have come to the decision that we will wait one year before we begin. I am really excited about it. We even picked out names (for now). A boy will be Zachary and a girl will be Dakota. Of course, that will probably change a thousand times before we actually get to the baby making, but we have a good start.

On the way over to the boys house Carmen and I had a long talk about her ex Daniel. He had been planning a trip to SF for the weekend after next. However, he was driving up Friday night, had a family event on Saturday and would be driving back on Sunday. Carmen made the simple statement that she was disappointed with the fact that they would not have any time to hang out and he laid into her about how she was not a good friend. He told her how everything she did she did out of selfishness. She was floored. She was also very hurt. Daniel’s example to her of her selfishness was to remind her of how she had flown out to Florida (on her dime) to drive across country with him when he recently moved back to California, and how he believed she had done this for herself rather than for him. Now I have to say that this statement made NO sense to me. How he could come up with this twisted version of her intentions was beyond me (and her) but this is actually what he said to her. Go figure.

On Sunday Daniel called Carmen again. I didn’t think it was worth her while to answer it, but she did. She was curious to see what he had to say, and I believe she thought he would apologize and say something about being in a bad mood when she spoke to him on Friday. This was not the case. When she informed him that he had hurt her feelings he merely told her that he believed in what he said. He also told her that she should take another look at herself if she thought she was a good friend because she wasn’t and she was simply fooling herself. Carmen finally said that if that is what he truly thought of her then they should end their friendship. He agreed and she hung up. We went downstairs to talk about it. In a way, Carmen and I are in the same boat. We both made best friends of our exes and we both watched those friendships crumble with devastating effects. We talked for a good hour about what it feels like to really love someone who cannot return the love. How with both of these men, all we ever wanted to do was let them know they were loved because we believed that they had not been shown this in their lives. We both wanted to be there for these guys because they made us smile, made us feel safe, and, when we were “with” them, made us think that true love was possible. Apparently, neither of these men felt the way we did. Now Carmen and I know that we have to move on, but I think both of us are have been really reluctant to actually do it. I know, at least for me, I thought him and I would be best friends forever, if not more, but certainly not less.

Losing a best friend is an incredibly painful thing for me. I have never had to experience something like this before. I loved Doug, with everything in me. He was such a huge part of my life. At one point I even considered moving to Texas to stay close to him and his son, to remain a part of his family. I don’t think he ever really knew just how
important he was to me. Or if he did, I don’t think it mattered all that much. Even with all the negative there was so much positive, if you can understand that. I was telling my friend the other day about my brothers Barmitvah. I think the thing that will forever stick in my mind is slow dancing with Doug and having him sing in my ear “there’s nothing wrong with me loving you” from “Let’s Get it On.” It was such a tender moment for me. I remember my step-mom (along with a few others) asking me when the wedding was because they said that him and I looked so in love. I know it was only teasing, but it still made my heart ache. I know I was just a silly girl but my heart was invested.

On the drive home I asked Carmen if there was a moment when she thought about Dan that made her ache. Her answer was “just one (giggle)?” I explained to her that I meant was there a defining moment in her relationship that if she had done it differently did she wonder if it would have changed the course of the relationship. She said no and asked if I did. I did. It was the night when Carmen, Dan, Doug and I went to see Brotherhood of the Wolf. When Doug and I got back to my house we climbed in bed and talked and joked for a long time. We started to play fight and then he was on top of me. He looked down at me with such intensity that I started to get scared. He kissed me. My heart was pounding. I don’t really know why this moment scared me so much, but I knew that if I didn’t do something to change the mood I was in trouble. So I stopped it. I asked questions about why he wanted to be so intimate with me. I lied about not being interested in love making but only in sex. I started a fight. He ended it. He left that night, no longer my boyfriend. I often wondered if I had not been so afraid what it may have turned into from there. But as Carmen says, if he hadn’t ended it then he would have any minute after that. I know that thinking about that night is dwelling, but it is the one moment that really strikes me as being such a waste. There were so many arguments. So many tears. So much pain. Yet, I don’t think I would change a thing. Well, maybe one…

I wish that my best friend and I hadn’t hurt each other so much. We loved each other very much and had a very intense relationship. My jealousy and his not wanting to take responsibility were major problems for us. The last betrayal, the one where he went into my website, well that destroyed my trust for him. I don’t think that can be fixed.

It has come to my attention that he believes that I broke into his site first. I need to say for the record that I never, ever, would do something like that. There is also some talk that I asked someone else to do it, again, this is something I will swear on my life I would never do. As angry as I have been with him, I would never hurt him, not for any reason, and what saddens me most is that I thought he knew me well enough to know that I am not that kind of person. Perhaps he is holding me responsible for the actions of others, and in that case there isn’t much I can do. But I can promise him, and his family, that I only ever wanted the best for him, and still do.

Kisses

Move Along...Nothing to see Here

I WROTE A LETTER TO YOU MY FRIEND
SO MANY LETTERS THAT I NEVER SEND
I THINK ABOUT YOU AT THE DAY'S END
THE TIME THAT WE HAD
I LAUGHED IN MY BED
THE STUPID THINGS YOU SAID
WE WERE TWO BIRDS OF PARADISE

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL
WITH CLAY HORSES AND LAMBS ON THE SHELF
I CAUGHT FROGS IN DITCHES, LISTENED FOR ELVES
MY FRIENDS AND I HAD A WORLD UNTO OURSELVES
NO GROWNUPS COULD FIND US WHEN WE
MADE OUR PLANS SO SECRETLY
TO RUN AWAY AND FLY TO BE
WITH THE TWO BIRDS OF PARADISE

NOW ONCE UPON A TIME …
MY MIND STILL THERE WANDERS
BACK IN YOUR LITTLE ROOM
THE THINGS I REMEMBER
ONE TIME WHEN WE TOOK OFF OUR CLOTHES
BUT YOU WERE CRYIN',
CRYIN'
YOU SAID NOTHING LASTS FOREVER
WE WERE HAPPY TOGETHER

I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU
HERE ON MY OWN
ME IN MY NEW ROOM
YOU IN YOUR NEW HOME
THIS IS THE LIFE THEY SAY THAT
DREAMS ARE MADE OF

DON'T FORGET
PLEASE DO FORGIVE ME
I STILL HAVE SOMETHING YOU DID GIVE ME
COME INTO MY DREAM WITH ME AND DREAM
DREAM OF PARADISE

Just a Thought

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face
And nobody's gonna bring me down today
Been feeling like nothings been going my way lately
But I decided right here, right now, that my outlooks gotta change

That's why I'm gonna
Say goodbye
To all the tears I've cried
For every time
Someone hurt my pride
Feeling like
They won't let me live life
And take the time
To look at what is mine

I see every lesson so clearly

I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me

But I'm gonna carry on

I never wanna dwell on my pain again
There's no use in reliving how I hurt back then
Remembering all of the hell I felt
When I was running out of faith
Every step I'm about to take
Well it's towards a better day

Cause I'm about to
Say farewell to
Every single lie
And all the fears
I've held too long inside
Every time I felt I couldn't try
All the negativity and strife

Cause too long
I've been
Struggling.
Couldn't go on
But now I've found
I'm feeling strong
And moving on

I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me

But I'm gonna carry on

Every time I tried
To be what they wanted from me
It never came naturally
So I ended up in misery
Was unable to see
All the good around me
Wasting so much energy
On what they thought of me
Simply just remembering to breathe

I'm humanly unable to please
Everyone at the same time
So now I find
My peace of mind
Living one day at a time

In the end I answer to no one
It comes down to one love

I've made the decision
Never to give up
Til the I day I die no matter what

I'm gonna carry on.

Kisses

Many Thanks

An old friend of mine, Riskay, has been very helpful and fixing my website since the break in. She spent a lot of her personal time helping me update passwords and adding a program on my site that allows me to block people by IP address. That is super cool. She has become an awesome Geek and I thank her again for taking the time to help me.

PS Her daughter broke her arm in school today, I wish her a speedy recovery and send my love!

Kisses