Everything is Everything

I had a very strange evening last night. We left the office early. Went and dropped the bike off for its first service and then I went to movie night with the girls. We had a quick dinner then went to see Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Let me just say that the movie was AWFUL. I mean I was so ready to walk out. What a waste of my time and money. Not even the loveliness of Brad and Angelina made it worth sitting through.

After the movie I went home and decided to check the email accounts I always forget about. So I checked my gmail. I had about a dozen or so messages, mostly Yafro notices, but down on the bottom was a notice from Classmates.com. Now I don’t remember signing up with them but I must have at some point because there was the email telling me it was my last chance to review a message from Ben G. Ben was a kid I graduated high school with in 1987. I am pretty sure I haven’t seen him since. I really liked Ben; he was (and I assume still is) smart, funny, talented and a genuinely good person. So I was thrilled to have an email waiting from him.

It was brief but sweet. It lead me to his website. That lead me to his pictures. And there were pic after pic of Ben just like I remember him. He looks the SAME. It was almost creepy. His great big smile in every shot. There were pics of him getting married! Pics in London and Paris. Pics of his bowling team. And then a picture of him with Shem and Anna. The title took me a minute to register. Shem T., R.I.P. I sat with that a minute. Shem had been in high school with Ben and me. He was a dear friend to Ben and someone I really admired. He was beautiful, sweet, and smart. Everyone loved Shem. I didn’t quite believe or understand what I was reading. Then I went to the next photo:


------------------Photo by Ben G.------------------------

I just sat there in shock. I realize I am getting this information ten years after the fact but still it broke my heart. I did a Google search next:

http://www.jewishsf.com/content/2-0-/module/displaystory/story_id/20963/edition_id/431/format/html/displaystory.html

This is a wonderful article about Shem’s life. I was pleased to have learned a little more about what he did with his life before he passed away. Shem was just as I remembered him, a man who left a lasting impression on everyone he touched. That fucking rules.

Me

PS Ben if you are reading this, email me!

911

My mom and I watched Fahrenheit last night. This is a truly fascinating piece of work by Michael Moore. Many people are not comfortable with the way that Michael presents material but I am always impressed with how deeply he researches any subject he is interested in.

Now granted, Michael is anti-Bush to the nth degree. But then again, so am I. However, even if you believe in Bush and his politics I think this film will at least make you question what has happened in this country for the last five years. I was taken aback at how convoluted and deceitful the Bush history is. The money involved, the players, the lies.

Be warned friends, if you are squeamish or have a hard time seeing children die, this film may be too difficult for you to watch. The reality is in the film though, and I thought the least I could do was watch it without covering my eyes.

Sunday Kinda Love

What an amazing day we had. Woke up super late due to the fact that I had a poor nights sleep. D and I decided that since it was so lovely out we would go for a long ride to Petaluma. We rode down Lucas Valley road the 20 miles or so to reach downtown Petaluma.

The ride there was gorgeous. Serene and comfortable. We stopped once to look at one of the most lovely vineyards along the way. After that it was a straight shot to downtown and a leisurely lunch at McNears. I had a great big Shrimp Cobb Salad. D had a HUGE Fish & Chips.

While we sat there I turned to the couple next to us to ask them a question and one of the women started chatting with us about motorcycles (our helmets were on the table). Turns out one of the woman is a local comedian by the name of Heather Gold. Her GF, Stacy performs with a 60's Go-Go troupe called The Devilettes. Both women were awesome and D and I are going to be sure to catch both of their shows this month.

Then it was time to head back. We took the back roads again and kinda snuggled all the way home. Every now and then D would shortstop so my boobs would press against his back. That's the kind of big kid he is.

Once we got home we changed into workout clothes and headed to our gym. This is the first time I have done a full on cardio workout with D and it was cool. We did 30 minutes on the bikes and then 30 minutes on the treadmill. It is nice to look over and see my man sweating it out with me. I will aim for four nights a week, maybe more if D can drag me there.

When we got home mom had cooked a super yummy turkey meatloaf and made a huge salad. We ate light, since both of us were still full from lunch, and just hung out with mom for a bit.

Finally D and I climbed into my bed to watch a movie and just be close. An older Sci-Fi called Brainstorm. I can't even tell you what the movie was about, I was so tired and so content just being cuddled that I was mostly asleep during it. Made for the perfect ending to a perfect day.


Kisses

I Feel the Need for a Shower

My lovely BF insists on calling me his GF Unit; or, now his PGF Unit (Pretty Girlfriend Unit). To my BF, this is a wonderful, albeit, geeky nickname. OK, now I don’t know about you, but to me, a Unit isn’t cute. It is:

* An individual, group, structure, or other entity regarded as an elementary structural or functional constituent of a whole.

* A group regarded as a distinct entity within a larger group.

* Male genitalia.

Am I wrong here? Does it not feel dirty to you? A pretty penis, yep, that’s me.

On to other news. I finished cleaning up my Dell DJ. It has SO MANY wonderful songs on it. 2,158 to be exact. Songs from when I was a teen, songs that make me dance around work and have co-workers giggling in my wake (what do they know anyway!) It makes working away the hours so easy, singing along, wiggling in my chair. OK, maybe being laughed at is appropriate.

So on Sunday my lovely sister will have 20 years of sobriety. TWENTY. That is amazing. She is amazing.

Kisses

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYN!

First off, and more important than anything else I have to say...HAPPY 40th BIRTHDAY LYN!!



You rock girl! Wish I could be there to celebrate with you.

It is raining in SF. Makes me sad, no riding in this morning on the back of my man's bike. I enjoy the rides so much, it is freeing. He is also a pain in the ass when he can't ride! All cranky and shit. OK, not really, but I do so like making fun of him.

D is finally filing visitation paperwork for his daughter. His ex has had way too much control over him and his family when it comes to spending time with his daughter. It is obscene how she behaves. Bribes were not unheard of (always at her prompting that she "needed" something in exchange.) Begging, pleading, threats from her; it has been nightmarish. Thanks to my friends and family this will no longer be an issue. His daughter will be free to visit her dad as the courts see fit. I am sure that there will be challenges, but that is what the police are for. Being in contempt sucks from what I have heard.

I feel compelled to push a writer I adore. Christopher Moore. The man is a comic genius. I have read every book he has ever written, of which there are not enough! He has made me laugh out loud more times than I can count.

My all time favorite book of his is:



I have read this book twice now, and it is a work of art. Not one page went by that I did not fall more and more in love with this mans style and technique. Do yourself a favor and pick this book up. Pass it on to everyone you know, they will love it.

Kisses

Last Day of our Acquaintance

I can see too many mouths open
Too many eyes closed, ears closed
Not enough minds open
Too many legs open
Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, do
Why isn't it why why
I don't see why I listen

__________________________________________

What a beautiful weekend. Mary got her Masters on Saturday. We partied late into the night (I got home at 3:30 AM and am still trying to catch up.) We had a wonderful Italian dinner and then drinks at WooHoo. Closed the night at The Shannon Arms (a friends bar in the Sunset). D and I hung out at home on Sunday, had dinner with my mom and her friends and I passed out at 10:00.

On Monday we took the bike out for a ride and had a nice breakfast. Then we met up with Carmen and Mary and went to Mary's moms’ house for a BBQ. We skipped the Lake trip so we could spend more time at Suzi's house. It was a long ride and my butt was numb when we finally arrived. I must say, with the exception of the butt issue, riding is magnificent. The bike is amazing. I had almost forgotten how freeing it is to be on a motorcycle and D is a great rider. He says I am a good passenger but I squirm (that would be the deadened ass).

I bought D a new motorcycle jacket and gloves. They are laden with Kevlar and full armor plates. The jacket is gray and black, pretty sweet. He says the gloves will stop bullets…I love living in the city.

Living in the Dark Ages

It is wonderful to see people learning how to use the internet.

It fascinates me that some people still haven't come close to the level on techie that my BF and I have readily available at our finger tips. I suppose that working in the industry for the last eight years (something silly like 16 for the man) has helped. Not only do I work and live with a geek, but I hang out with geeks all the time. Have a question about locating someone? Bat my eyelashes at my man and he is all over it. Blocking my site from unfortunates? A little kiss gets me whatever I need. He really is the best. Not only will he help me learn to develop, research, and maintain all my geeky pleasures but not one morning has gone by since he moved in that he hasn't brought me coffee in bed each morning. Thanks babe.

Today IS the day. We are leaving work at 4:30 and getting his bike! We are so excited. The minor delay was that they didn't want to give us one from the showroom floor, Valerie, our sales person, insisted it be "off the truck". So, although the man pouted, we waited the extra day.

This weekend is going to be amazing! First of all, my best friend, Pea is here for TWO weeks. She just completed her first year at Bryn Mawr in the PhD program of Research Psychology and I flew her out for a well deserved break. Mare and I picked her up at the airport and then we had an overnight at Mare's house in Bernal Heights. Mary is selling her home so she and her husband can buy a bigger place in Sonoma. Amazing what places in SF sell for, it is crazy! So Mary, Carmen and I had what may be our last "slumber party" in the home on the hill. We were up too late giggling and smoking. It was wonderful.

On Friday night we will be going to a farewell party of a women we work with here at CM. Then I think we will hit a dinner kind of thing with Carmen, Mare and her man. On Saturday we will be going to SF to see Mare get her Masters! She graduated from the Speech and Communications department. We are so proud of her. She is inspiring.

Saturday night we are having a huge dinner party at Ristorante Mare in Pacifica. It is a wonderful Italian place right on the beach.

On Sunday I am sure the BF will be off on his bike and I will be spending time with Carmen.

On Monday we will be headed to Mare's mom's house in Santa Rosa to meet with about 20 other people and then head up to Sonoma Lake for the day. We will spend several hours there baking in the sun and swimming before heading back to Mare's mom's house for a BBQ.

Life is pretty sweet.

Kisses

Lush

There are some things in life one should not be without. Lush is one of them.

I first discovered Lush through my friend Kitty. Kitty of the "Oh So Soft Skin". She took me there and spent a small fortune on me. She bought me one of everything I snuck a peek at. It was overly generous, thus is Kitty.

Since then I have been a devoted fan. I use the Body Butters every day. This isn't a cheap obsession either. These things last maybe five showers, maybe. But I can't stand to be without them. They smell good enough to eat. They make your skin feel like you are a baby again. They are essential.

Another must have is their The Strokes. My hair, which is finally its natural color, feels so soft and wonderful I could touch it all day. Although I miss the days of bright and crazy colored hair, having it natural, healthy and well treated kicks ass.

I am telling you, if you have the funds, don't ever use a grocery store bar of soap again. It ages your skin, removes healthy oils and makes you feel like a 80 year old. Spend a little people. You can't take it with you.

Kisses

Rated R for Strong Language

When I was a child, around 6 or 7, I used to torment other kids by calling them names. Names like fat, ugly, and/or stupid were abrasive insults to sling at my less fortunate peers. Vicious rumors could be spread about compulsive picking and eating habits or perpetual bed-wetters. These tidbits of information could destroy a child’s life through grade school and sometimes even beyond.

When I hit middle school the verbal tirade stepped up a notch. While I only ever picked on those that picked on others, it wasn’t uncommon to find me repeatedly punching someone in the face while calling them a slutbitchwhorecunt. As if that wasn’t enough, the rumors became tales of blowjobs behind the bleachers and made up teen pregnancies at the “hands” of the head coach. I was mean, simple-minded, and mean, but only to those I thought deserved it. A judge and jury of my adolescent colleagues; a vindictive Robin Hood, so to speak.

Around the age of 14 I met a group of girls that fascinated me. They believed that words like bitch, whore, slut and so on were base and beneath them. They never called people such names - no - they were much smarter, and intensely more ferocious than that. These girls used sarcasm and wit to put people in their place. They were not opposed to violence, which usually landed in my hands, but they preferred to make you cry with their words rather than my fists. And without fail, they would succeed at tearing apart anyone who crossed their path with ill intentions. They took me in, taught me their ways, and made me one of them.

But as time moved on, as we grew older, we began to realize something. Something that made us step back and rethink our strategy. Why fight at all? Why not remove negative people from our lives? We had a choice on who we allowed into our lives, and who we didn’t. It wasn't a “better than you” choice, it was an “I am not interested in being around people who contribute to my dysfunctional ways”. And our ways were dysfunctional. They were cruel and bitter and childish. They were not who I am or ever wanted to be. They were defensive and offensive behaviors that allowed me to steer clear of the person inside who was so sad and lonely.

By 18 I was in therapy, as were 3 of the women I had been friends with since I was 14. Amazingly, when we focused on whom we were and who we aspired to be, we found that our friendship could remain intact and that less people crossed the street when they saw us walking towards them.
We no longer resolved arguments with grievous banter; we would talk things through and listen to others. That is not to say that I was able to modify my behavior overnight. No, it took years of hard work not to raise a fist or a silver tongue at those who angered me. There are some days, even now, that I have to check my anger.

I am still friends with these women after 20 years. There are times when we talk about the “old days”, not with pleasure mind you, but with remorse and even some shame. We have accepted who we were and who we are today. We are stronger, gentler, and smarter women who use kindness instead of harshness to get through the world. It is a much more pleasant place to be.

Some Things are Better Left Unsaid

I just don't feel that way today. Things have been left unsaid too long. It pains me sometimes how cruel people can be. How selfish and rude. I make sure that I am gentle and kind with people, it is how I was raised.

My dad and step-mom are attorneys, fighting for people who have been wronged. My mom is a therapist, working with children who have insane parents, passing their insanity on to their children, making them miserable and frightened. My mom tries to see that the damage is minimized, if not erased. She has raised me to be strong, to stand up for myself, to fight for what I believe in. She also taught me to work hard, get paid a ridiculous amount of money and be sure to sock some away for things that "come up". And so I have.

I have money. It is my money that I will use to set things right. My sister works for one of the top family law attorneys in California. She has been a wonderful support for us. She let's us know what we should be asking for and what not to settle for. She is fond of telling me not to settle for anyone's bullshit. So I won't. No more bullies, not more insanity, free ride is over.

I love who I am, I love who I share my life with. I find myself angry at times that people I love have brought their ugly baggage into my serene life, but they have also brought so much love and joy that it has all been worth it. I would not trade a moment with my love or his family to be free of the sickness the baggage contained. Not one moment.

I don't hold onto anger, I let it go, it isn't good for me. So I think about all the amazing things I have in my life and it soothes me:

I have a family that is always there for me
I have a partner who loves me, cares for me and makes me laugh all day long
I have a job I love going to that pays me a wonderful salary and just gave me a specialty award ($2500) for being an exceptional employee
I have an extended family who constantly remind me of how loving I am
I have a new car (god I love my Audi)
I have a new motorcycle (well I gave it to my partner but I get to ride it)
I have my health, my sanity and my best friends Pea and Mary, who keep me healthy and sane

I have it all, so what is left to say?

Done Being Nice

I am done playing nice. I am done watching the people I love be trampled on, manipulated and threatened. I will use all my connections, all my power and ALL my money to see that things are changed. And when they are, some people will be very sorry they didn't play nice with me when they had the chance.

A little gift

He loves it!

Viva

OK so I went to Vegas. Went with my sister and three other friends. We had an amazing time. I actually won $600 on the silly nickel slots. I had a blast sitting with Anna, both of us winning, smoking, drinking, laughing. Anna is my sisters best-friend, has been since they were 16 (they are both in their late 30's now). We stayed up till the wee hours of the morning together. She is a real kick.

We spent our days (Saturday, Sunday and half of Monday) visiting all the sites and being basic tourists. Vegas is at odds with itself in that it is both lovely and a mess. At night, with the warm winds and bright lights, it is amazing. When the sun lays heavy on your skin and the streets are crowded with drunken frat boys, well I am sure you can guess how I feel about that. Overall, I like Vegas. Next year we will all go again and stay at New York - New York. I hope to fly MY best friend in for the trip.

Life has been pretty chaotic lately. Not bad, just busy. There are so many things to plan and so many people to see this year, I am unsure how the man and I will fit it all in. The most important thing we want to do this summer is see the kids. His kids. If we can find a full week to spend with them we will be thrilled! It may be a problem with his daughter as we have a rough time with her mom but I am sure it will all work out. As hard as it can be to set everything up, it is always worth it.

My best friend flew out for the weekend to see our other best friend perform her Master's Thesis. She is graduating in May with her Masters in Speech and Communications. Her performance was AMAZING. She is so talented. She received a standing ovation. Pea and I gave her a bouquet of flowers fit for a Miss America winner. She cracked up when we handed it to her. MK never ceases to amaze me.

Family is all great. My sister and I will be working on her house this summer with her contractor hubbie. They are getting a new entryway, kids are getting a new bathroom and I am doing all the painting that needs to be done. I think we will work on my mom’s kitchen as well. Mom will be in England for three weeks this summer to see our family so I may try to knock it out then.

Much love and kisses

Maintaining Decency

Anyone who knows me knows I have never wanted children of my own. Since I was 17 I have made it clear to any partner I have had that they would never have kids with me. I feel as though too many people bring children into this world selfishly and for reasons of needing to be needed or for monetary value. I also feel that although kids are amazing, there are too many people in this world as is.

Kids like me; some even love me, because I am kind and loving with them. I can spoil them because I have the means to, not because I wish to purchase affection from them. And some children I have spent time with are so starved for love that it makes me hurt for them. I never pass judgment or make them feel anything other than cared for when they are with me. I have made bonds with some kids in my life and I really love that.

My partner has two WONDERFUL children. They are both in their teens. I love spending time with them whenever we get the chance to. They both love spending time with me. They call me independently of calling their father, to seek advice or just to say hi. It is great. But they both know I am a friend and an advocate for them, not a person trying to raise them. They reach out to me because I always make myself available to them. I have cooked meals for my BF’s son and done hair and makeup with my BF’s daughter. I have also held them both when they have cried. As I am with most people, I try to be there for them when they need me.

Some people think that unless you personally breed you will always be jealous of what they have. Let me tell you what I have – I have the freedom to do whatever I please. I can travel, I can explore, and I can be with just me whenever I want. I made a choice a long time ago that I just didn’t want to give up my freedom. Maybe that sounds selfish, but with all my nieces and nephews I figured my sister took care of the kid thing for both of us ;)

There will never be a time when I regret not having kids because I know who I am. I feel great about my life; my job is fun and satisfying (not to mention pays me an arm and a leg and with my stocks I will be rich one day soon, heh). I have a lovely home, drive a fucking fantastic race car, travel when I please and shop even more than I travel. But way more importantly – I have a wonderful, supportive family, an amazing partner, the most beautiful friends – and I have me. More than any Princess could ever wish for.

What a Waste

Some people, well, they just aren't nice. That is me being polite. What I really want to say may be just too brutal. I can not understand people's greediness, the need to be hurtful, and the unbelievable ability some people have to be selfish. People who think only of themselves and ways they can fuck others over make me feel so sad. Pity is lame, and yet it is what I feel for some (well really just one).

Lately I have been loosely involved with a pretty nasty situation. The hard part, for me anyway, is that I can't stop trying to figure out a way to make it all better. See, it is in my nature to TRY. It is killing me that all I can do is throw money at it. I want to be more helpful, more resourceful, and more proactive. But I made a promise to beware of toe-stepping and not to rough anybody up. I don’t make promises lightly.

So I do what I can. I know that the situation will be resolved and good will triumph over evil (it HAS to). The evil will pay and I will secretly do my white hat dance, most likely in nothing but the hat.

Most times life feels wonderful. Some days, life is challenging. How do you balance all that comes your way? Take on today, leave tomorrow alone and resolve that yesterday is done. I am not always good at this, but I keep trying.

Kisses

PS - I miss my Best Friend!

I Do

People pointing
Finger-painting the world
Leaving me the siloheutte of my life
And I'm filling in the negative space with positively everything

I do, I do
And it's all because of you
I do, I do
And it's all because of you

It's not emotion that I feel for you
It's not devotion that I want from you
I want someone to follow who doesn't lead the way
I want someone to listen who won't repeat what I say
And I'm filling in the negative space with positively everything

I do, I do
And it's all because of you
I do, I do
And it's all because of you

Sins, sins and more sins

OK, to start...I have gained weight since I quit smoking (I use the word quit lightly). It is bothering me despite the fact that I knew it would happen. I am now back OP with WW and it will take a few months to get the weight off but it will happen damn it. I won’t disclose how much I weigh or what I gained but it is way more than I thought it would be and I am done. That being said I will give only positive updates from here on out.

Now, why do I use the word "quit" lightly? Because I cheat. That's right, I am a cheater. One here, one there...they add up. Since I know it is purely emotional I need to figure this out. My BF is nothing but supportive here (except when I cheat and walk by him and he says "ewwww, you stink".) I hate the habit; it smells bad, tastes bad and feels bad. So why am I doing the cheating thing? I just have no other answer except I have done it for 23 years and old habits are a bitch to break. I will keep on it though, it is important to me not to return to the pack a day walking cancer victim.

The holidays, awww the holidays. They ROCKED. From Thanksgiving through New Years I loved them all. I am a spoiled Princess (you all know that though) and on top of all the wonderful things bestowed upon me I got to visit with everyone I love over the 6 week period. Plus I had a 10 days vacation with my BF! We were both able to take some time off work, visit with friends and family and generally relax and enjoy. It was awesome, especially seeing BOTH his kids. That was the best.

I generally think New Years Resolutions are BS cause no one I know every stick with them so I am not going to commit here (I did see one blog resolution – 5 in ’05 which I thought was inspiring and witty and I wish her much success!) but I will say this:

I am resolved to be a kinder and gentler person this year. I will respect and love those around me and I will give out to the world what I wish to receive in return.

Oh and I resolve to call my Best Friend more often too!

Kisses

I do Try...

If you gave me just a coin for every time we say goodbye
Well I’d be rich beyond my dreams,
I’m sorry for my weary life
I know I’m not perfect
but I can smile
And I hope that you see this heart
behind my tired eyes

If you tell me that I can’t,
I will, I will,
I’ll try all night
And if I say I’m coming home,
I’ll probably be out all night
I know I can be afraid
but I’m alive
And I hope that you can trust this heart behing my tired eyes

Cause I’m no angel,
but please don’t think that I won’t try and try
I’m no angel,
but does that mean that I can’t live my life
I’m no angel,
but please don’t think that I can’t cry
I’m no angel,
but does that mean that I won’t fly

I know I’m around each night
And I know I always think I’m right
I can believe that you might look around

Cause I’m no angel,
but please don’t think that I won’t try and try
I’m no angel,
but does that mean that I can’t live my life
I’m no angel,
but please don’t think that I can’t cry
I’m no angel,
but does that mean that I won’t fly

An Email from a Friend

ELECTION REFLECTIONS by Shailja Patel

Let's not deceive ourselves that a Kerry victory would have been a victory for peace or justice. Either a Kerry victory, or a Democrat majority in the Senate would have halted, to a limited extent, the assault on civil liberties and reproductive rights. In arenas of foreign policy, and economic and social justice, the Kerry agenda showed little or no difference from Bush's, other than not being driven by evangelical Christian fanaticism. Kerry is a multilingual, diplomatically polished, intellectually sophisticated imperialist; Bush is a wacko fundamentalist Christian semi-
literate imperialist.

Or, to quote Peter Phillips:

"November 2 gave us a choice between war and more war, corporate globalization and more corporate globalization; the continuation of gifting billions of dollars to Israel, the Patriot Act and an expanded Patriot Act; a police state and a seriously growing police state, media monopoly and even bigger media monopolies; and wealth inequality or an even greater wealth divide."

Read the full article at

http://www.dissidentvoice.org/Nov2004/Phillips1105.htm

So why was I so depressed on November 3rd? To start with, the results were devastating for progressive politics at state and local level.

11 states passed bans on same sex unions. Prop 66 (to amend the 3 strikes law) was defeated in California by the narrowest of margins.

Campaigns across the country that activist friends put their all into were defeated. Some of these defeats are actually a direct result of the huge redirection of funds, volunteer efforts, and political energy into the Get Bush Out movement.

I'm heartsick at the $1 billion that went into the Kerry campaign, and what those dollars could have done for communities across the world. This demonstrates beyond all question the need for campaign finance reform. The premise that nothing is fundable but opposition to Bush has gutted progressive work across the planet in the past year. And no election that is not publicly funded, and free of special interests money, is representative in any way of the people.

Until we get big money out of politics, the candidates available to us will continue to reflect nothing more than alternative brands of the same product.

Then there are the votes that weren't counted. Or destroyed. I've delayed sending out this mailing because every day, new information pours into my inbox on the level of fraud in this election. David Cobb (Green Party Presidential Candidate) and Michael Badnarik (Libertarian Presidential Candidate) have announced their intention to demand a formal recount of the vote in Ohio. Other organizations are mounting legal challenges to the results declared. You can read more at:

http://www.thenation.com/doc.mhtml?i=041129&s==corn
http://www.blackboxvoting.org
http://www.votecobb.org/

Regardless of the conclusions you come to, it's obvious that the two- party corporate-funded electoral system is so deeply flawed, it's incapable of delivering representative government.

Replacing one pilot with another doesn't change the inherent structural problems of the machine. And yet we on the Left get caught up, over and over again, in putting our resources and energies into the battle to change figureheads.

It's kind of like being at a huge sports event. You may loathe the Superbowl. You may know without doubt that it is a corporate-driven money making enterprise. You know it has nothing to do with the dreams and aspirations millions of individuals project onto the teams. But a funny thing happens when you're in the stadium. Everyone around you is screaming, cheering, booing, groaning. There's no question that it matters to them. Intensely. That each movement on the field somehow channels their deepest hopes and fears. That they believe the players are playing for them, not for the team owners, not for the corporate sponsors, not for the multi-million dollar contracts and endorsement deals. So you start to applaud, politely, when they scream at a touchdown. You get up when your friends leap up. You feel your own excitement build. You start to think "We scored! We can win!"

Only after it's over, and `your' team has lost, do you remember that it wasn't `your' team. That you didn't buy into the game; the game was not about you. That this game has entry stakes of millions of dollars. You were never anything other than a spectator..

Yes, the outlook for the next 4 years is horrifying. But it's no more horrifying today than it was on November 1st, before the election. We have to remind ourselves that the game was never ours by choice, and never gave us a real choice to start with. Reject the game, for as long as it takes. Assert, again and again, that our lives, all lives, are larger than this travesty, and get back to the real work of dismantling the system. Demand real choices, through electoral reform, campaign finance reform.

I'm not gonna say: Don't mourn, organize. It's patronizing and offensive; the Left has been organizing for hundreds of years. I will not say: the arc of history is long but it bends towards justice, blah blah blah, because I honestly don't know if that is true.

I am going to say: while we are alive, let's choose to live. Let's stretch our brains and wills until we feel it, to genuine, hard analysis of what works and what doesn't. What truly moves us towards peace and justice, for everyone in the world. Let's be willing to admit our illusions and go back to the real. Let's think about systems, about structures, about history.

Empires collapse. However long and hideous their dominance, eventually they crumble under their own greed, violence and sheer stupidity. We don't know if justice will ultimately prevail.

But as long as we are alive, we can choose what forces we align ourselves with. What side of history we're going to be on. There's a joy that comes from that, despite all we're up against.
Where do we turn for hope? Someone sent me a quote from Vaclav Havel this week. Havel said:

"Hope is not the optimistic conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out."

Professor Wangari Maathai, Kenyan hero and one of my personal inspirations, won the Nobel Peace Prize a few weeks ago. That makes sense. On a daily basis, we remind ourselves that justice makes sense. We choose what makes sense. That's hope.

by Shailja Patel

It is all I can do

I will their face
all on top of my face
I am the perfect target screen
For your blindly feuled rage

I bare the brunt
of your long buried pain
I don't mind helping you out
But I want you to remember my name

It's not all me
It's not all my fault
I need remind you,
but I won't take it all on

Past riddled rage
I see the buttons I engage
Is my dignity in place?
I'm all too happy to switch

It's not all me
It's not all my fault
I need remind you,
but I won't take it all on

Lest I find my voice
Find the strength to stand up to you
Lest I stay to my limit
And on take only what is mine to

We are a team
I'm here to help mend and rescind
All I trigger unknowingly
I job I hold in high esteem

It's not all me
It's not all my fault
I need remind you,
but I won't take it all on

I'll only take some of it