Present Tense

OK, so it isn't always pleasant. I always freak right out when I find myself dwelling in the past. My ex and I broke up over a year ago. I actually left him, if we are being honest; but yesterday when I found out he had a new girlfriend it really wrecked me. At first it was an intense longing to be with him. Then, as the smoke cleared, I realized it was just a desire to be loved. A fear of being alone. And as I looked at these things it struck me that I had spent the last year of my life chasing some one who did not love me (like all romantically and such) because I was trying to process the last seven (count em) seven years with my ex. Granted, the man I spent the last year with, I love him dearly, but had I NOT just left a relationship, would I have clung so desperately to the new one? I somehow doubt it. I put myself second with this new "love" because I so wanted it to be the right one. I wanted to settle down with him, spend all my days with him. I wanted to make him happy, show him how perfect our love could be, help heal him from all his past hurts, but in the process of trying to "help" him, I hurt myself. I didn't see that all my efforts were for naught. He is a wonderful person, and I am sure he will find that one person in life that fits him in all ways, I am just not the one.

I see life as a challenge, I like being special, I enjoy debating, I think that not having the same beliefs as the next person makes life so much fun. Being different leaves me room to do the few things in life that are important to me; grow and learn and love.

So what is next for this Princess? I have no idea. I went to therapy today and we have decided to focus on self-image and self-esteem. I have my first meditation class on Saturday. I am going to start Yoga at home, until I am comfortable with the idea of it. Just a few things to join my mind and soul. As for my ex...I still love him so I want him to be happy. I just wish his happiness didn't hurt so much, that would rule.