Starting this is difficult. I haven't kept a journal in years, much less one others could read. It is kind of a hard time to start this. Broken hearted, on the depressed side, jobless, wanting to move, missing him, lonely; yep this is a time when most people are going to read my journal and call my therapist to make sure I am making my appointments. Be assured, I am. Taking my Prozac too! Life is silly.
It has been a rough year, I lost my little sister to suicide, lost my aunt to cancer, lost my future ex-husband to Texas. I know all the pain and sadness will pass, but some mornings I really wonder. So what can I do to feel better, well I can stop dating for a long time, I can exercise (yoga, kickboxing/marital art), I can eat right, I can volunteer my time until I find a job (SPCA, Breast Cancer Association) and I can meditate. These things I know will help me feel better. Now if I can just get out of bed.
Oh and looking for a job, it sucks. I look everyday; Craigslist, Hotjobs, Dice, Monster, Careerbuilder; you name it, I try it. I am also with a handful of agencies and headhunters. It's the times. Everyone I know has been laid off and is either serving coffee or moving away, both options make me cringe. That's not to say I wont serve coffee, I just prefer to work at a career level (whatever that means). I am good at what I do too (HR) but that doesn't matter, so is everyone else.
So what is next you ask (ok, maybe you didn't, but I will tell you anyway)? I live my life. I learn to respect myself, find my self-esteem, and move on. It sounds simple perhaps, but I have never looked at my life like this before. It has always been about someone else, now it is all about me, and I can not tell you how scary that is. Wish me luck.
Your sorry eyes, cut through the bone
They make it hard, to leave you alone
Leave you here, wearing your wounds
Waving your guns, at somebody new
Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause
There's too many people, you used to know
They see you coming, they see you go
They know your secrets, and you know their
This town is crazy; nobody cares
Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause
There's a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one left to watch your back now
No one standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for
Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause
•Beck - Lost Cause
One morning I woke up and I knew
You were really gone
A new day, a new way,
I knew I should see it along
Go your way, I'll go mine and
Carry on
The sky is clearing and the night
Has gone out
The sun, he come, the world is all full of light
Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but
To carry on
The fortunes of fables are able
To sing the song
Now witness the quickness with which
We get along
To sing the blues you've got to live the tunes and
Carry on
Carry on
Love is coming
Love is coming to us all
Where are you going now my love?
Where will you be tomorrow?
Will you bring me happiness?
Will you bring me sorrow?
Oh, the questions of a thousand dreams
What you do and what you see
Lover can you talk to me?
Boy when I was on my own
Chasing you down
What was it made you run?
Trying your best just to get around.
The questions of a thousand dreams
What you do and what you see
Lover can you talk to me?
•Steven Stills - Carry On
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