My ego suffered a rather good blow today. I didn't expect it. I couldn't have even known it was coming because I was so enmeshed within it I was blind to the possibility. Damn if it didn't knock me on my ass.
It isn't like I pretend that I am selfless, or that I don't know that I am fragile, but I have realized that sometimes I become so self-involved that one very small thing can take me out at the knees and my ego makes me its bitch.
I value self-awareness more than almost anything else in the people I let into my life. I try very hard to own my mistakes. To look at the way I treat people, and if I feel like it isn't as kind and gentle as I need it to be, I try to correct myself immediately. I am not perfect. Sometimes it will take me days to realize how wrong I have been and take action. I am sure there are hundreds of times I could have done "it" differently, but I make the effort everyday in hopes of one day being the person I desire to be when I grow up.
I feel so detached from myself today that I just stare and stare in the mirror in hopes of seeing myself looking back. Right now I simply don't know where I have disappeared to but I sure hope I can find my way back to me.
xoks
Thursday, February 06, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
An Introspective View on Soothing the Savage Beast...
...also known as my bangs.
I have always loved wearing bangs. Then I hate them. I grow them out, then I cut them again, convincing myself I look younger and that it saves me on botox.
The issue is when my wonderful hair guru cuts my bangs they are perfect. Smooth, rounded, Zooey Deschanel bangs. Lightly brushing my eyelashes, making me feel like a a sweet little doe eyed girl.
Then three mornings later...I wake up with my bangs intertwined with my lashes. I can't see a thing. They start to curl and wave and look less Zooey and more like a this girl. Then the following ensues:
Dear Criminals,
I thought we had a deal. When your human is in a manic mood and is taking scissors to her own bangs we agreed you would NOT jump on the sink and scare the bejesus out of her causing her to now sport Girl Interrupted bangs for the next six weeks.
Sadly,
Your human waiting to be carted away to the looney bin
It's a viscous cycle. An unbreakable chain. My cross to bare. Bangs; the bane of my existence.
xoks
I have always loved wearing bangs. Then I hate them. I grow them out, then I cut them again, convincing myself I look younger and that it saves me on botox.
The issue is when my wonderful hair guru cuts my bangs they are perfect. Smooth, rounded, Zooey Deschanel bangs. Lightly brushing my eyelashes, making me feel like a a sweet little doe eyed girl.
Then three mornings later...I wake up with my bangs intertwined with my lashes. I can't see a thing. They start to curl and wave and look less Zooey and more like a this girl. Then the following ensues:
Dear Criminals,
I thought we had a deal. When your human is in a manic mood and is taking scissors to her own bangs we agreed you would NOT jump on the sink and scare the bejesus out of her causing her to now sport Girl Interrupted bangs for the next six weeks.
Sadly,
Your human waiting to be carted away to the looney bin
It's a viscous cycle. An unbreakable chain. My cross to bare. Bangs; the bane of my existence.
xoks
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Chasing the Devils Tail
I don't like games. I kinda like Cards against Humanity and I do play a mean scrabble but that is not what I am referring to here.
As I start to poke my toe in the dating pool I realize there are a lot of new rules that seem to have cropped up in the last few years. I am a pretty straight shooter when I start seeing someone. If there is no chemistry I simply say so. If I want to (insert your own word here since my mom reads this) you, I will tell you. I don't care about rules. I don't want to waste my time or yours.
So why is it men are still unable to respond in like? I did have a date with one man recently and we knew right away that it wasn't going anywhere. We shook hands on it and email pleasantries to each other every now and again. He is a really great guy but we got it, spoke about it and moved on as friends. Why is this so difficult? And if you want to (insert your own word here since my other mom also reads this) me, just say so. The worst that can happen is I say no thanks. No one has ever died from those words.
I am not chasing anyone. Instead I am ridding myself of the runners.
xoks
Wednesday, January 08, 2014
The Good Wife's Worst Enemy
I have never been married. I hadn't been with anyone I wanted to marry until I was 36 or 37. That isn't to say I didn't love my exes. I just never wanted to marry them. In all fairness, they never asked.
I have been on a binge of The Good Wife. I have always liked Julianna Margulies so I decided to give it a chance. Honestly, it is just another soap opera with mostly predictable plots but I do get to gaze at Chris Noth and I do enjoy that.
The thing is, it is triggering me. I am the bad girl in these kinds of stories. No, I am not a super hot call-girl (although I am kinda cute) and no, he wasn't a politician with an amazingly loving and supportive wife. He was just a guy I fell in love with when I shouldn't have. I spent five years of my life loving him, supporting him, and trying to "fix" him...because man is he broken. I know this is coming from my mouth but if you pit us against each other in a "who is more fucked up" race he is going to win hands down.
I really did wrestle with his being married. Not always, but a lot. I recall going to a dark place in my head that would allow me to fantasize that all the things he told me were real. That he never loved her, that he married her for his green card, that he chose her because she would not leave him like his first wife had because she was too weak and needy to leave him, that he stayed for the kids (yes, I said it, there were two). He used every line married men use to keep us connected but that allows them to keep their cake and eat it too.
I never betrayed his trust, I never asked him to leave her (well once, but I was drunk and we were kissing under the Eiffel Tower so my defenses and sensibilities were lowered.) I showed up whenever he asked even though he could rarely show up for me. He told me I brought him back to life and I foolishly believed him. Am I usually this gullible? Maybe, I will have to think on it.
So what became of the only man I would ever have married? He left me for another woman. Not his wife of course, just a person we both knew. Shocking, I know. It took me four months to figure out he was seeing another (third) person and then it all blew up. Mostly in my face.
Some of you probably think I deserved it, and maybe I did - but that heartbreak put me down for two years. Had he returned to his family instead of leaving me to start a new affair I would have been ok. I even expected that to be how things would end. But that wasn't the case and I had closed my eyes to the idea that he would/could ever do something like that to me. I suppose karma was served.
I am sure disclosing this publicly will make some people judge me even more than usual but this is my place to work through my messiness. You don't have to stay - I actually never invited you in. Your welcome to come here anytime, but you may not like what you hear.
xoks
“What is done out of Love is beyond Good and Evil” (I call shenanigans)
― Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil
I have been on a binge of The Good Wife. I have always liked Julianna Margulies so I decided to give it a chance. Honestly, it is just another soap opera with mostly predictable plots but I do get to gaze at Chris Noth and I do enjoy that.
The thing is, it is triggering me. I am the bad girl in these kinds of stories. No, I am not a super hot call-girl (although I am kinda cute) and no, he wasn't a politician with an amazingly loving and supportive wife. He was just a guy I fell in love with when I shouldn't have. I spent five years of my life loving him, supporting him, and trying to "fix" him...because man is he broken. I know this is coming from my mouth but if you pit us against each other in a "who is more fucked up" race he is going to win hands down.
I really did wrestle with his being married. Not always, but a lot. I recall going to a dark place in my head that would allow me to fantasize that all the things he told me were real. That he never loved her, that he married her for his green card, that he chose her because she would not leave him like his first wife had because she was too weak and needy to leave him, that he stayed for the kids (yes, I said it, there were two). He used every line married men use to keep us connected but that allows them to keep their cake and eat it too.
I never betrayed his trust, I never asked him to leave her (well once, but I was drunk and we were kissing under the Eiffel Tower so my defenses and sensibilities were lowered.) I showed up whenever he asked even though he could rarely show up for me. He told me I brought him back to life and I foolishly believed him. Am I usually this gullible? Maybe, I will have to think on it.
So what became of the only man I would ever have married? He left me for another woman. Not his wife of course, just a person we both knew. Shocking, I know. It took me four months to figure out he was seeing another (third) person and then it all blew up. Mostly in my face.
Some of you probably think I deserved it, and maybe I did - but that heartbreak put me down for two years. Had he returned to his family instead of leaving me to start a new affair I would have been ok. I even expected that to be how things would end. But that wasn't the case and I had closed my eyes to the idea that he would/could ever do something like that to me. I suppose karma was served.
I am sure disclosing this publicly will make some people judge me even more than usual but this is my place to work through my messiness. You don't have to stay - I actually never invited you in. Your welcome to come here anytime, but you may not like what you hear.
xoks
“What is done out of Love is beyond Good and Evil” (I call shenanigans)
― Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil
Thursday, January 02, 2014
Are You Fucking Kidding Me?
About six months ago I thought I would start to date again. Or at least try. So I joined a dating site, set up a nice profile and waited to see what would happen. Within a few days I received a few dozen messages. Most of the men didn't interest me but one caught my eye.
He was a doctor and a Ph.D. He worked for a start-up and made good money. He was 6-4 and had a South African accent (swoon). So I started a conversation with him. He was a bit shy at first but slowly opened up. Turned out he was into a lot of the same things I am but he was also very aggressive about sexting. Now I don't necessarily have an issue with that except I didn't know this guy at all and I thought it was a little odd to start off on that foot. Isn't sexting for people who know each other a bit and want to be sexy/flirty with one another? At least that is what I have always thought.
I finally told him to go away. I wasn't interested in the games he was playing and if he didn't actually want to meet me and see if there really was some sort of chemistry he needed to leave me be. He was quiet for about two weeks then he asked if we could meet.
When he showed up he was disheveled but cute. We had dinner together and I figured out pretty quickly he wasn't attracted to me. No big deal.
The next day we exchanged a few texts agreeing that there wasn't a connection and we discussed being friends. I never heard from him again...until tonight.
About 15 minutes ago my phone started vibrating. It was a video chat request from "Adam". I have a few friends named Adam but I am really close to my sleepy time and, to be honest, sans make-up, so I declined. Then it showed me it was the DOC. I sent him a message asking him why he was contacting me. His answer..."I am horny." I reminded him he wasn't interested in me, asked him if he was drunk and then told him that he was rude and he needed to fuck off. Then I blocked him.
What in the world is wrong with people? I am not here to fucking amuse you. I am not here just because you have some "need" you need taken care of and you think I am here for you to use. People can be really awful sometimes. Just reminds me why I don't date.
xoks
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
This is Not a Sex Blog
I will not disclose the details of how I spent my day yesterday but suffice to say (insert my favorite NIN song here)...MEOW.
I know, I am leaving you all to roll around in the gutters of your minds (I am talking to you Mr. NSA) but I am just not the kind of girl who "kisses and tellses". I can see my stats, those hundreds of admirers reading my blog (no, no trolling bots or anything). One of you might work with me or know one of my mothers or something. I am just not willing to risk my perfect reputation just to sate your curiosity. Let's just pretend I never wrote this and move along.
xoks
I know, I am leaving you all to roll around in the gutters of your minds (I am talking to you Mr. NSA) but I am just not the kind of girl who "kisses and tellses". I can see my stats, those hundreds of admirers reading my blog (no, no trolling bots or anything). One of you might work with me or know one of my mothers or something. I am just not willing to risk my perfect reputation just to sate your curiosity. Let's just pretend I never wrote this and move along.
xoks
Friday, December 27, 2013
Black Laundry in Bed
Dear Criminals,
In all of thirty seconds, just enough time for me to take my folded towels to the bathroom, the three of you managed to destroy an entire load of freshly washed black clothing.
Yes, it was my fault that I placed that yummy, warm, completely clean laundry on my bed to fold. Yes, I turned my back for a moment to put a few things away. And yes, it is my fault I washed a load of black clothing, knowing how much you love watching me walk out of the house covered in your fur. But did ALL three of you have to plot against me? Did you need to burrow deep into the pile to ensure every single piece of clothing was covered in your hairballs? There are not enough lint brushes in the world to rid me of your evil-doing...
With a lack of respect,
Your quarter-less human
In all of thirty seconds, just enough time for me to take my folded towels to the bathroom, the three of you managed to destroy an entire load of freshly washed black clothing.
Yes, it was my fault that I placed that yummy, warm, completely clean laundry on my bed to fold. Yes, I turned my back for a moment to put a few things away. And yes, it is my fault I washed a load of black clothing, knowing how much you love watching me walk out of the house covered in your fur. But did ALL three of you have to plot against me? Did you need to burrow deep into the pile to ensure every single piece of clothing was covered in your hairballs? There are not enough lint brushes in the world to rid me of your evil-doing...
With a lack of respect,
Your quarter-less human
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Strange Relationships
I am oddly involved with a few different men. Nothing serious; mostly getting to know you stuff. Yet it is already complicated.
Guy #1 - He lives in NY. He is very successful, very handsome and 3,000 miles away. We are working out seeing one another but both of our schedules are somewhat chaotic and this makes planning frustrating. How long does one wait before just blowing it off?
Guy #2 - He is really young. Granted, we aren't thinking marriage here but is it ok to date someone who hasn't ever heard of Quadraphenia? I am really pondering this.
Guy #3 - I don't even know what to say about this one. I have known him for ages and he is very sweet, somewhat naive and very confused. Our lives are so different I sometimes wonder how we even connect at all. Maybe it is all in my head.
Guy #4 - One of my favorite people ever. Just so short on time. Getting together on a "quarterly basis" makes me feel like I am on his BOD rather than his mind.
So do I just scrap it all and start over? Sigh, seems like a lot of work and this girl is already tired.
xoks
Guy #1 - He lives in NY. He is very successful, very handsome and 3,000 miles away. We are working out seeing one another but both of our schedules are somewhat chaotic and this makes planning frustrating. How long does one wait before just blowing it off?
Guy #2 - He is really young. Granted, we aren't thinking marriage here but is it ok to date someone who hasn't ever heard of Quadraphenia? I am really pondering this.
Guy #3 - I don't even know what to say about this one. I have known him for ages and he is very sweet, somewhat naive and very confused. Our lives are so different I sometimes wonder how we even connect at all. Maybe it is all in my head.
Guy #4 - One of my favorite people ever. Just so short on time. Getting together on a "quarterly basis" makes me feel like I am on his BOD rather than his mind.
So do I just scrap it all and start over? Sigh, seems like a lot of work and this girl is already tired.
xoks
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Not to be Censored
I took some time to read old posts. I am a drama queen. We all know it. That being said I will not censor my writing for fear that someone out there might not like what I have to say. This is my place to spew and spout whatever I feel like and I am happy to do it to anyone or no one (we shall see if anyone even reads this thing anymore.)
It has been a very hard few years. I ended a long, tumultuous relationship. I changed jobs. I left a lot of people behind and I am trying to reconnect with the world. I never thought heartbreak could actually bring me to my knees but it did and it took a long time to learn to stand again.
So now I need to walk, if not run, though my crazy life. I am working on my self-worth; my understanding of my value in this world. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a lover, and, maybe most importantly, a godmother. I have people who love me and stand by my side, even when I feel like crawling though my day. I greatly appreciate everyone who has been there for me even when they don't understand me.
So to anyone out there who might be reading, I love you and thank you for being a part of my wacky life.
xoks
It has been a very hard few years. I ended a long, tumultuous relationship. I changed jobs. I left a lot of people behind and I am trying to reconnect with the world. I never thought heartbreak could actually bring me to my knees but it did and it took a long time to learn to stand again.
So now I need to walk, if not run, though my crazy life. I am working on my self-worth; my understanding of my value in this world. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a lover, and, maybe most importantly, a godmother. I have people who love me and stand by my side, even when I feel like crawling though my day. I greatly appreciate everyone who has been there for me even when they don't understand me.
So to anyone out there who might be reading, I love you and thank you for being a part of my wacky life.
xoks
Does this thing work?
All my pics are missing. All my rantings are here. Now let's see if I can still write.
Merry Christmas!Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving!
Pumpkin Gingerbread Trifle and Apple Crisp
Two out of three complete. They are much prettier in person.
Wishing you and yours a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Has it Really Been a Year?
Wow, I used to be so good at this. I guess my life has become so hum-ho that I have nothing to share (lies).
It has been 20 years since I fired a gun so if I never post again you will know what happened to me.
I know there was another reason I logged on, something I wanted to share but it simply slipped my mind in the time it took me to remember how the hell to login. I am getting old.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
All That Glitters Is...
This is insane packaging. When I got my Gold card it came in your basic white envelope. The only thing the Platinum card was missing was the Armed Guard delivery.
Friday, January 11, 2008
The Sweetest Thing
I received this from a lovely friend as a "non-Christmas" gift:
This is by far one of the most amazing gifts I have ever received. I can not thank you enough for knowing me so well.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Get My Fall On
I was feeling a little bored so I decided to try something new. This is my old livingroom:
And this is my new livingroom:
I am not sure this is the final change, it is the second set of colors I have been through (the first being the most terrifying silver/blue I have ever seen.) Am I seeing a little too much brown here? The color is richer in real time but still I may need to try one more color scheme before I decide.
The next purchase/upgrade will be new coffee tables. That one looks so little with the new couch. I need something heartier to balance it all out. Or maybe I should just stop retail therapy right now. Naa.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Time Well Spent
I have just gotten back from my latest adventure. A week on the beach in Corolla. With wild Mustangs and even wilder friends.
Kerri turned forty last week. She is hating me right now for emphasizing this fact but alas, it is true. We have been friends for 24 years. TWENTY-FOUR. Yikes. Every year has gotten better and better. She is one of my most favorite people ever. I hope she knows that
The week started with Kerri, Suzanne, Summer, Anna, Lars, Stephen, Alicia and Melissa at the house. Mid-week Alicia, Mel and Stephen went home and my Sweet Pea and Alex joined us. It was one of the most relaxing and enjoyable trips I have taken in a long while (or at least a few months).
Coming home was a little tough. I love this group of people. I miss time with them. It makes me want to own a great big house and move them all in so we can hang out everyday drinking beer and lounging by the sea. Perhaps it is time to play the lottery?
Thank you Kerri, for such a lovely trip. And Happy Birthday Boo.
Kerri turned forty last week. She is hating me right now for emphasizing this fact but alas, it is true. We have been friends for 24 years. TWENTY-FOUR. Yikes. Every year has gotten better and better. She is one of my most favorite people ever. I hope she knows that
The week started with Kerri, Suzanne, Summer, Anna, Lars, Stephen, Alicia and Melissa at the house. Mid-week Alicia, Mel and Stephen went home and my Sweet Pea and Alex joined us. It was one of the most relaxing and enjoyable trips I have taken in a long while (or at least a few months).
Coming home was a little tough. I love this group of people. I miss time with them. It makes me want to own a great big house and move them all in so we can hang out everyday drinking beer and lounging by the sea. Perhaps it is time to play the lottery?
Thank you Kerri, for such a lovely trip. And Happy Birthday Boo.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
I Have Been Bad. Spank Me?
I have not written in over two months. What the hell have I been doing?
I turned 38 last month. How the hell did I get so old? I swear I was just 17 the other day. A cute little bleach blonde with no job and a stable of boyfriends. I kinda miss the stable thing.
I am leaving on vacation (yes again) tomorrow morning. One of my dearest friends, Kerri, is turning 40 on Saturday and she rented a house in Corolla for a group of us to join her in celebration. I will be meeting her in North Carolina and making the drive with her to Corolla. A week on the beach, sigh
I posted pics from my last trip and will add Corolla upon my return. With no internet connection in NC I guess you will all (does anyone read this anymore?) have to wait until I return for the details.
I turned 38 last month. How the hell did I get so old? I swear I was just 17 the other day. A cute little bleach blonde with no job and a stable of boyfriends. I kinda miss the stable thing.
I am leaving on vacation (yes again) tomorrow morning. One of my dearest friends, Kerri, is turning 40 on Saturday and she rented a house in Corolla for a group of us to join her in celebration. I will be meeting her in North Carolina and making the drive with her to Corolla. A week on the beach, sigh
I posted pics from my last trip and will add Corolla upon my return. With no internet connection in NC I guess you will all (does anyone read this anymore?) have to wait until I return for the details.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Juan et Juan Equals Two
K and S took me out to Chapel Hill last night to party party. We had a nice little Mexican dinner outside, drinking beer and eating cheesy steak tacos. It was raining a little and the temperature dropped to a reasonable 85 at ten at night.
After dinner Kerri took us to her favorite bar, The Cave. A very cool underground bar with live bands and a little pool table in back. Suzanne was so awed that I knew pool terminology she insisted that I play. I approached the two guys playing pool and asked if there was a list. Neither spoke much English but we worked it out to play doubles. Turns out their names were, you guessed it, Juan et Juan. Just two buddies hanging out picking up on chicks. Juan number one had a brilliant El DeBarge circa 1982 hairdo. Juan number two spoke not even one word of English but smiled at me a lot. Kerri and I held our own but Juan 1 was a pretty good shot and we ended up 2 to 2 in the end.
At one point I had to make a shot where my ass was in the face of three strangers. I warned them, they didn't move and then a tall blond guy pretended to hit my ass while I was shooting. When Juan 1 noticed he said to me " you bend like that in front of man he thing sweet luscious." Nice.
A few friends of K & S's joined us for a drink at the cave then convinced me I belonged in Hell. Yet another trip to an underground bar where you have to apply for a card (I am now a card carrying member of Hell) before they can serve you mixed drinks. Gotta love the ABC.
The place was dark, cool and smelly. Filled with wanna be goths, frat boys/girls and PBR at a buck fiddy. The jukebox was definitely one of the most interesting ones I have ever come across. The main bartender managed it and it felt like something you might find at CBGB's. It rocked. Unfortunately they were out of Stella so I didn't want to stay long.
At three AM we called it a night, errr morning and crashed out. For some reason sleep would not come over me until 5 AM so yours truly is a major mess at the moment and calling it an early night.
Tonight will be laying low and chillin' on the deck serving as a feast for the mosquitoes. Stella aplenty.
After dinner Kerri took us to her favorite bar, The Cave. A very cool underground bar with live bands and a little pool table in back. Suzanne was so awed that I knew pool terminology she insisted that I play. I approached the two guys playing pool and asked if there was a list. Neither spoke much English but we worked it out to play doubles. Turns out their names were, you guessed it, Juan et Juan. Just two buddies hanging out picking up on chicks. Juan number one had a brilliant El DeBarge circa 1982 hairdo. Juan number two spoke not even one word of English but smiled at me a lot. Kerri and I held our own but Juan 1 was a pretty good shot and we ended up 2 to 2 in the end.
At one point I had to make a shot where my ass was in the face of three strangers. I warned them, they didn't move and then a tall blond guy pretended to hit my ass while I was shooting. When Juan 1 noticed he said to me " you bend like that in front of man he thing sweet luscious." Nice.
A few friends of K & S's joined us for a drink at the cave then convinced me I belonged in Hell. Yet another trip to an underground bar where you have to apply for a card (I am now a card carrying member of Hell) before they can serve you mixed drinks. Gotta love the ABC.
The place was dark, cool and smelly. Filled with wanna be goths, frat boys/girls and PBR at a buck fiddy. The jukebox was definitely one of the most interesting ones I have ever come across. The main bartender managed it and it felt like something you might find at CBGB's. It rocked. Unfortunately they were out of Stella so I didn't want to stay long.
At three AM we called it a night, errr morning and crashed out. For some reason sleep would not come over me until 5 AM so yours truly is a major mess at the moment and calling it an early night.
Tonight will be laying low and chillin' on the deck serving as a feast for the mosquitoes. Stella aplenty.
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