Two Hearts Beat As None

Men. They are (were?) the main thing that could take me to the darkest depths of my depression. I have terrible taste in men. That is not to be confused with I date "terrible men", most of them are really lovely people, they are simply terrible when combined with me. I am also not saying I suck, cause I don't. I am actually pretty cool and have been told I am an awesome GF. So it's complicated.

Age 16 - First BF. Orphan, homeless, skinhead, alcoholic, abuser. Perfect! Let him move in, have him sleep with all your friends and then dump you two years in. Stalk and mourn him for the next four years because you have NO tools to deal with rejection.

Age 18-21 - Do not discuss how many people you "dated" during this period of time because your mother reads this blog.

Age 21 - Find an extremely handsome, super intelligent loner, living with his parents, who is 3 years younger than you and push him for a commitment. Lock him down, hold on tight and then scratch your head when he actually leaves the country without telling you goodbye. 

Age 25 - Head to a club, see a gorgeous thing at the bar and ask him to come home with you. Find out he is 17 (turning 18 in a month) and move in with him. Raise him like he is your kid (because he is a kid and what else can you do?) Mother and smother him. Break his heart because you have outgrown each other but you don't know how to kindly end a relationship because they have always left you.

Age 31/32 - Fall for an introverted, super-geek who tells you for FIVE years that you are not GF material but keep fighting the good fight to prove you are until it all blows up in your face and you end up hating each other (we are over that now but it took some time.)

Age 37 - (deep breath, this is where I might lose some of you) fall madly, deeply, passionately head over heels in love with your co-worker, who is married with two small children. A place I never wanted to go. Spend five years of your life waiting for the ultimate test of true love (would he leave her for me?) only to have him start a second affair with another co-worker and break your world. Karma played out fast and furious.

Age 42 - Stop all dating. Stay single and withdraw into yourself. See no one. Sink deeper into your depression. Don't explore the reason why you choose all of these unavailable men. Remind yourself daily that you are simply unlovable. 

Age 45 - Get back on the horse. Start to casually date. Meet a healthy guy and scare him off in under 30 days. 

Age 46 - Start dating a poly guy who prefers shiny and new over everything else. Push to be a primary. Break up with him monthly. Connect with him more as a friend than a lover only to realize he doesn't do friendships. Keep him in your back pocket.

Age 46 1/2 - Tinder a handsome engineer who lives two hours away. Get him caught us in your fucked up chaos and feel rescued by him, therefore putting him into a role that is not suited for either of you. Push and pull until it breaks and he finds a healthy girl at home to fall for. 

Age 46 3/4 - Try that casual FB thing. Meet a 34-year-old, well-educated, gainfully employed, super smart man. Have him over for wine. Find out he is married...start the affair anyway because this time it should be safe - he really loves his wife but they are sexually incompatible and that's all this is, right? Enter the dark world. Everything spins quickly out of control. This is real love, this is TRUE love, the love of our lives; how did we ever survive before we met one another? Receive an email 8 months or so later saying he loves you but more like a sister. Fall flatly on your face.

Age 47 1/2 - Take a break darlin'. It's time for me to discover who I am (never too late) and to learn to walk away from red flags and really draw some boundaries that are in line with my beliefs. Dating/falling for married men ensures that I will never have to step up in a relationship and let them see all my flaws. It was an escape. A game I was always sure to lose because I am afraid that winning means getting real. 

For all of the people that I have hurt over the decades with my selfish behavior and my carelessness, I am truly sorry. I can't change the past, I can't undo the damage but I can do my best to never cause havoc in anyone else's life again. I know none of you will ever read this but please forgive me my failings. You all deserved better.

xoks

PS - This is what I call a cleanse. A way for me to see my patterns and a healing process. Please know I am still smiling and feeling really good. KIT has helped me to process a lot of what I wrote above, especially while under treatment, so I wanted to get it down in writing before I lost too many of the above thoughts.