DOA

Living with depression is a very complicated thing. People, for the most part, do not understand what it is like to suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. There are many kinds of depression; Episodic, which usually lasts a few weeks, Chronic, which might last as long as two years, and Major, which lasts two years or more. That last one is my baby. I have suffered from depression (mild to extreme) for as long as I can remember. 

I have tried many types of medication and therapy. I believe those things kept me alive all these years. When seven plus years ago I bottomed out I tried new meds and intensive therapeutic treatment. Again, it was enough to keep me going. In the past few months, when the wave rode over me again, I turned to KIT. This has by far been the most successful treatment I have used. However, as much as I had hoped it would just be the six sessions and I would be "cured", I believe now that it is likely I will be using monthly boosters for the near future.

My depression is a sneaky little thing. I feel fine one moment, and without noticing any trigger, I can become overwhelmed with feelings of sadness. I can have spent an amazing evening with friends, yet when falling asleep, my mind starts writing suicide notes all on its own. Do any of you do that? Fall asleep thinking about the last thing you want to say to people? It's fucking disturbing.

When thinking about the loss of Chris Cornell last week, I tried to imagine what might have been going on in his head. How easy it is to become overwhelmed with grief and to want it to stop. People say it is a terribly selfish thing to do, to take one's life. I hope they never have to feel what it is like to think there is no other way to stop the pain. It isn't selfish, it's freedom to them. 

I am not giving up. There are days when the idea seems reasonable. When all I want to do is fall asleep and not wake up. When I feel like I will cry myself to death over the smallest of things or nothing at all. But there are things I want to experience, demons I want to slay, people I want to love, places I want to go. When I blog about my depression, it is not a cry for help or a threat that I am falling. This is one way for me to process my feelings remind myself that some days are simply harder than others but that there are still beautiful moments ahead of me.

xoks