Here's the thing, you never know how you are going to feel from day to day. Yesterday was a roller-coaster of emotions ranging from pleasantly happy to a tearful commute home. Thankfully I was already off the freeway when it hit me.
My last EMDR session left me with this one nagging feeling; I am unlovable. At least I believe that I am unlovable. Some would say that isn't true. That they love me deeply and that I am easy to love. I appreciate that they feel that way; unfortunately, it doesn't change this core belief inside of me.
The times that I have felt loved have been in relationships. I have allowed others to validate that I am a lovable person. And when they leave, I am again, unlovable. How fucked up is that? How does anyone who relies on another person to feel loved learn to love themselves? I am not going to the top of the mountain to chant, I am not sitting in a drumming circle, I am not sweating it out in a Shamans tent. I am not trying to make fun of people who find their paths any way that they can; it just isn't who I am.
I don't know how to reconcile with a core trauma. How to shift the balance in my best interest. I believe that loving oneself (to the best of our ability) is key to being truly happy. As I cried in my driveway I became angry that I am this old and still haven't learned what every child should be taught from the day they are born; every creature is lovable in their own way. I simply haven't discovered in what way that is for me.
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