Boy, I have been way out of it. I have not had any desire to write. Can't explain it, just didn't feel like it.
I am still unemployed. It's actually ok though. I am living in Marin with my mom, I live less than a block from my sister and her kids, and I am feeling pretty relaxed. I would love to be back in the grind, but for now I am satisfied that I am safe and welcome.
I have been struggling the last few days. Mt ex (the one I was with for 7 years) has really gone out of his way to be a jerk. My mom received her Masters in Psychology last month and my sister, moms best-friend and I threw her a big party. I talked to my ex every day for a week prior to the party, made plans for him to surprise her and got him a ride here. We even talked the night before, kidding about sneaking off to make out (heh), but when the time came for him to meet his ride he was a no show. I called, his ride called, he ignored the calls. Since then I have called him a few times, feeling worried about his well-being, but he ignores me. I am really unsure what happened. It is like he was joking about wanting to be friends; about being a part of my life, and the end of the joke is really painful. I wish I could just let it go, but I am stuck on how it is making me feel. Dumb boys.
I really need to get started on my exercise. My weight is coming off slowly but I want to see shape results NOW. I know I need to get active so I have decided to sign up for a three-day walk for Breast Cancer. We walk from San Jose to San Francisco...brutal. There is a training program so I am thinking of working with them to achieve my goal. My aunt lost her life last year to BC so it is really important to me to do this.
June 24th was my little sisters’ bday. She would have been 31. Crazy, I miss her like mad. Happy Birthday baby.
Saw Charlie’s Angels last night with a group of gals. It KICKED ASS. I had a great time. Was so pleased it didn't suck. Needed a little hot chick flick...heh.
OK, what else. Oh, I went off my meds about a month ago. It is cool. I am actually feeling surprisingly all right. I was afraid to let them go, but after 9 years…it was time.
I think that may be all for now. I am going to try to write at least once a week so I can keep checking in with me. Who else is gonna :)
Kisses
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
Saturday, April 26, 2003
When we last left off....
I had a guest last week. Sandy, Doug’s (my ex) mom came to see me for her birthday. She arrived on Thursday the 17th at the ungodly hour of 8AM and we went to my house so she could look around. We ran some errands, had a great lunch with Carmen and Paulie and decided to hit the road that day instead of waiting for morning. Yep, we took off for McMinnville, OR. Why OR you ask? Well to see Jennifer of course. Jennifer is Sandy’s granddaughter. This was Sandy’s b-day gift to herself. A trip to see her wonderful Jennifer, and I was extremely happy to be invited along. We drove for about 6 hours and decided to crash in Medford for the night. In the morning we raced to McMinnville. Originally we had planned to just do the full day drive and see Jennifer and her family that night, but I really didn’t want to have to drive 10 plus hours in one day if I could avoid it. When we arrived in OR it was around 2PM and I asked if I could call Judy (Jennifer’s mom) to see if it would be ok to grab Jennifer from school. She was really sweet when I called, since I caught her early. So we went to Jennifer’s school and picked her up as a surprise. She was really excited to see us. I got to meet her best friend, Freya and we headed back to Judy’s house. This is the first time I have met Judy and the rest of her family. We arrived at their house and there was a ton of family hanging out. Judy and her husband John. Lori and her four boys, Michael, Trevor, Jojo and Matthew. Then the rest of the kids started coming home. Rebecca (a weekend visitor from Portland) Jonathan and Jessica (the twins) and finally JD. A lot of activity from the get go. The house, according to Judy, is always busy. Seemed fun to me, but I can imagine just needing down time sometimes. We hung out for a few and then packed Jennifer up for a few days in the hotel with us.
Friday night was easy going. We had dinner and then went to see Holes. Great movie, we all enjoyed it more than we thought we would. We were in bed early so we could get up in the morning for some much needed SHOPPING. We got up early and had breakfast then headed to Salem for the mall. We had a blast. We hit every store, shopped and shopped until we were too tired to continue and then headed back to our hotel to get ready for dinner. When we got there Sandy decided to just stay in. I took Jennifer to Ruby Tuesday’s for dinner. We had a nice time, just the two of us talking and eating. She is a wonderful person. Very kind and thoughtful. We went back to the hotel (we brought home leftovers KNOWING Sandy would be hungry when we got there) and curled up in bed to read and watch TV. Jennifer decided to sleep in my bed. I thought Sandy was being generous letting me have Jennifer for the night but at about 2AM with Jennifer kicking me and making her way to sleep at the foot of the bed, I realized Sandy merely wanted a good nights sleep. LOL. Jennifer and I woke up sleeping diagonally across the bed; me at the top and Jennifer at the bottom…kids are fun, eh.
In the morning we went out for a light breakfast and then to buy a few things for Easter dinner. Judy and her mom Carolyn were cooking Easter dinner for us. We arrived a little early. When we got there everyone was already there. Carolyn and her husband Chuck, Judy and John and all the kids. It was awesome. There was a ton of food, and Easter eggs hidden everywhere. Unfortunately, there was a little mix up about Easter baskets and Jennifer didn’t have one. Easily taken care of though, I put her in the car and we went to Safeway to build her one. It was really fun. We grabbed up everything in site and made the basket right there on the check out counter. We went back to the house and I played video games with Jonathan (he whooped me). Then I played some chess with Jonathan (again, he whooped me, the kids is Smart!) We had a really nice dinner and then sat down to play Yatzee with Jennifer and Jonathan. OK, he didn’t whoop me that time, but only because it is a game of chance…then we all took a trip to Lori’s house in Newberg. We hung out for a little bit visiting with the kids and such before heading back to McMinnville.
That night Carolyn and Chuck had offered their home to us so we spent two nights at their house instead of a hotel. It was really nice of them. They have two pups named Rusty and Frankie, Dachshunds, who took some time to warm to me, but eventually became all cute and more friendly. On Monday, while Jennifer was in school, Sandy and I got a chance to hit some of the little antique stores on 3rd Street before picking up Jennifer and Freya from school. We went back to Judy’s for a few hours before heading to 3rd Street Pizza for a school meeting about a trip that Jennifer and Sandy are taking to NY this summer. We had a really good time at the pizza place and then headed back to Judy’s to play Scrabble with the kids. I could only get Freya and Jennifer to play with me though. When it got late and Sandy and I took Freya home and headed to Carolyn’s for the night. Carolyn and I really hit it off, she is a riot!
Early in the morning, Sandy and I hit the road for home. It was hard leaving. I had had such a great time. Sandy and I drove all the way to Redding to see her ex-husbands sister Les. I had planned on maybe staying the night there with them but being only 3 hours from my bed, I just couldn’t do it. I hung out for a couple of hours and jumped in my car and raced home.
I was so excited to be home. It is so nice to climb in your own bed after so many nights in other ones. My plan was to go to sleep early and sleep late. The early part happened that night, the sleeping late, nope, no way. Sandy had me on a whole new schedule and I was up at 7AM (ugh!) I am still all wonky with my sleep, heh.
So now I have Sandy coming back to me today and we are going to have dinner with my family. I have to get her to the airport at the painful hour of 5AM, so as you can imagine, tonight will be an early one.
Finally, I am moving to mom’s on the 6th. I have yet to pack a damn thing, but I have all the details of the move pretty much nailed down. Tomorrow friends and family are coming over to help pack a bit, which will help. Then I have a week to get everything in order which should be fine. I am really excited about this move. I get to be with my family and just take some time to relax without the stress of paying $1,100 in rent…thank god for family!
Kisses
Friday night was easy going. We had dinner and then went to see Holes. Great movie, we all enjoyed it more than we thought we would. We were in bed early so we could get up in the morning for some much needed SHOPPING. We got up early and had breakfast then headed to Salem for the mall. We had a blast. We hit every store, shopped and shopped until we were too tired to continue and then headed back to our hotel to get ready for dinner. When we got there Sandy decided to just stay in. I took Jennifer to Ruby Tuesday’s for dinner. We had a nice time, just the two of us talking and eating. She is a wonderful person. Very kind and thoughtful. We went back to the hotel (we brought home leftovers KNOWING Sandy would be hungry when we got there) and curled up in bed to read and watch TV. Jennifer decided to sleep in my bed. I thought Sandy was being generous letting me have Jennifer for the night but at about 2AM with Jennifer kicking me and making her way to sleep at the foot of the bed, I realized Sandy merely wanted a good nights sleep. LOL. Jennifer and I woke up sleeping diagonally across the bed; me at the top and Jennifer at the bottom…kids are fun, eh.
In the morning we went out for a light breakfast and then to buy a few things for Easter dinner. Judy and her mom Carolyn were cooking Easter dinner for us. We arrived a little early. When we got there everyone was already there. Carolyn and her husband Chuck, Judy and John and all the kids. It was awesome. There was a ton of food, and Easter eggs hidden everywhere. Unfortunately, there was a little mix up about Easter baskets and Jennifer didn’t have one. Easily taken care of though, I put her in the car and we went to Safeway to build her one. It was really fun. We grabbed up everything in site and made the basket right there on the check out counter. We went back to the house and I played video games with Jonathan (he whooped me). Then I played some chess with Jonathan (again, he whooped me, the kids is Smart!) We had a really nice dinner and then sat down to play Yatzee with Jennifer and Jonathan. OK, he didn’t whoop me that time, but only because it is a game of chance…then we all took a trip to Lori’s house in Newberg. We hung out for a little bit visiting with the kids and such before heading back to McMinnville.
That night Carolyn and Chuck had offered their home to us so we spent two nights at their house instead of a hotel. It was really nice of them. They have two pups named Rusty and Frankie, Dachshunds, who took some time to warm to me, but eventually became all cute and more friendly. On Monday, while Jennifer was in school, Sandy and I got a chance to hit some of the little antique stores on 3rd Street before picking up Jennifer and Freya from school. We went back to Judy’s for a few hours before heading to 3rd Street Pizza for a school meeting about a trip that Jennifer and Sandy are taking to NY this summer. We had a really good time at the pizza place and then headed back to Judy’s to play Scrabble with the kids. I could only get Freya and Jennifer to play with me though. When it got late and Sandy and I took Freya home and headed to Carolyn’s for the night. Carolyn and I really hit it off, she is a riot!
Early in the morning, Sandy and I hit the road for home. It was hard leaving. I had had such a great time. Sandy and I drove all the way to Redding to see her ex-husbands sister Les. I had planned on maybe staying the night there with them but being only 3 hours from my bed, I just couldn’t do it. I hung out for a couple of hours and jumped in my car and raced home.
I was so excited to be home. It is so nice to climb in your own bed after so many nights in other ones. My plan was to go to sleep early and sleep late. The early part happened that night, the sleeping late, nope, no way. Sandy had me on a whole new schedule and I was up at 7AM (ugh!) I am still all wonky with my sleep, heh.
So now I have Sandy coming back to me today and we are going to have dinner with my family. I have to get her to the airport at the painful hour of 5AM, so as you can imagine, tonight will be an early one.
Finally, I am moving to mom’s on the 6th. I have yet to pack a damn thing, but I have all the details of the move pretty much nailed down. Tomorrow friends and family are coming over to help pack a bit, which will help. Then I have a week to get everything in order which should be fine. I am really excited about this move. I get to be with my family and just take some time to relax without the stress of paying $1,100 in rent…thank god for family!
Kisses
Sunday, April 13, 2003
I have been bad...
I have been a little detached lately. Not all that into writing. I have been working out my love and my life and so far I am doing ok.
My roommate is moving in with her fiancé. That’s all cool, but it left me in a bad place. Really, I want her to be happy, but in her happiness I have basically lost my house. On May 15th, provided our landlord finds a new tenant, I will be putting my life in storage and moving into my mom’s. Heh, 33 and living with mom. The very cool thing, my mom rocks. She is amazing and wonderful and loving and will help me get back on track in this painful economy. I am looking into school again. I will look for work, but my priority is to destress and try to find some joy in life. Mom is willing to let me take the time to do that and I can not express to her how much that means to me. I have many decisions to make in the upcoming months and it will be nice to not be terrified while making those choices, to know I am safe and secure. My beautiful friend Marianne will be fostering for my three cats. She is a lifesaver, she and Aaron, her fiancé. They are really looking forward to having the boys there. I know they will be in great hands, I just hope there HUGE dog Peyo will be ok with it all.
I have not really been able to discuss my love life here. As it mostly does not exist. I tried to figure things out with an ex, but it just isn’t meant to be. I am ok with that, I really am. I am at peace with not being with him, but I miss so many things about him it is weird. I need to step back and let those things go, let them just be a sweet memory and not something I long for. I know this is the right thing to do. Makes my heart ache, but life goes on.
I visited with another “ex” (I use the term loosely) last night. He has become a wonderful friend and I don’t get many chances to see him so it was nice to be able to go over to his house, have him make dinner for me and fall asleep on the couch watching movies. I woke up in the guest room a little confused, but he brought me coffee in bed and everything was cool. He is such a nice guy, and would be a good “catch” except for the married bit. Yep, he is married, and his wife knows we are friends and is cool about it. I am happy for him that his marriage is so good. I have known him for years and there were times that he struggled with his marriage, and I was there for the worst of it, but things seem to be going wonderfully for him and it makes me happy.
I went to an open mike on Friday night. I wasn’t expecting to see so much talent. It was really fun. Singers, slam-poets, ranters, crazy people; they were all there. There was one artist, a singer named Evan Hadley. He was so great. We sat at the table with him, talked to him for hours; then he sang and I was smitten. The guy was awesome, on top of being super cute. Carmen took a real liking to him, which is great cause I think they would be a fun duo for dating. She is a little shy on the dating idea but I worked it for her. Got his number, talked her up, I think he will call her. It would be fun to hang with him again. If you get a chance check out his website www.evanhadley.com.
I have been focusing a lot on the person I want to be. This is such a strange time for me. I know I want to be single, I know I want to make major changes, I know I need to leave some people behind and further embrace those that are healthy and happy. It can be hard to do when you love those that you know are bad for you. But it also can be done and I am sure this is my time to clean house. I want this life, this one life I have, to be amazing, and in order for that to be, I have to be amazing. Working on it, I swear.
Kisses
My roommate is moving in with her fiancé. That’s all cool, but it left me in a bad place. Really, I want her to be happy, but in her happiness I have basically lost my house. On May 15th, provided our landlord finds a new tenant, I will be putting my life in storage and moving into my mom’s. Heh, 33 and living with mom. The very cool thing, my mom rocks. She is amazing and wonderful and loving and will help me get back on track in this painful economy. I am looking into school again. I will look for work, but my priority is to destress and try to find some joy in life. Mom is willing to let me take the time to do that and I can not express to her how much that means to me. I have many decisions to make in the upcoming months and it will be nice to not be terrified while making those choices, to know I am safe and secure. My beautiful friend Marianne will be fostering for my three cats. She is a lifesaver, she and Aaron, her fiancé. They are really looking forward to having the boys there. I know they will be in great hands, I just hope there HUGE dog Peyo will be ok with it all.
I have not really been able to discuss my love life here. As it mostly does not exist. I tried to figure things out with an ex, but it just isn’t meant to be. I am ok with that, I really am. I am at peace with not being with him, but I miss so many things about him it is weird. I need to step back and let those things go, let them just be a sweet memory and not something I long for. I know this is the right thing to do. Makes my heart ache, but life goes on.
I visited with another “ex” (I use the term loosely) last night. He has become a wonderful friend and I don’t get many chances to see him so it was nice to be able to go over to his house, have him make dinner for me and fall asleep on the couch watching movies. I woke up in the guest room a little confused, but he brought me coffee in bed and everything was cool. He is such a nice guy, and would be a good “catch” except for the married bit. Yep, he is married, and his wife knows we are friends and is cool about it. I am happy for him that his marriage is so good. I have known him for years and there were times that he struggled with his marriage, and I was there for the worst of it, but things seem to be going wonderfully for him and it makes me happy.
I went to an open mike on Friday night. I wasn’t expecting to see so much talent. It was really fun. Singers, slam-poets, ranters, crazy people; they were all there. There was one artist, a singer named Evan Hadley. He was so great. We sat at the table with him, talked to him for hours; then he sang and I was smitten. The guy was awesome, on top of being super cute. Carmen took a real liking to him, which is great cause I think they would be a fun duo for dating. She is a little shy on the dating idea but I worked it for her. Got his number, talked her up, I think he will call her. It would be fun to hang with him again. If you get a chance check out his website www.evanhadley.com.
I have been focusing a lot on the person I want to be. This is such a strange time for me. I know I want to be single, I know I want to make major changes, I know I need to leave some people behind and further embrace those that are healthy and happy. It can be hard to do when you love those that you know are bad for you. But it also can be done and I am sure this is my time to clean house. I want this life, this one life I have, to be amazing, and in order for that to be, I have to be amazing. Working on it, I swear.
Kisses
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
We are at War
We bombed Iraq tonight. Can you imagine, it is 5 AM and bombs start dropping around you? I have no idea how people (ie the soldiers of the USA) can just fly in there and kill people. Saddam or no Saddam. It is ludicrous. People are already dying, and Carmen and I are lying in bed, feeling sad and confused. I wonder if Bush would be so ballsy if he thought they could retaliate with a force as strong as our own. I doubt it. Things are going to get really ugly people, and it just makes me sick. Please do what you can to let the government know how you feel about this atrocity.
Love
PS I really needed to share this
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/8812001.html
I swear I DID not write this, but I love this woman!
Love
PS I really needed to share this
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/8812001.html
I swear I DID not write this, but I love this woman!
Tuesday, March 18, 2003
If I were to place a personal ad...
Attractive SWF ISO a Trainwreck
Do you hate your father or your mother, or both? Better yet, if you know deep down that your parents are evil, but you're still to this day vying for their attention and love, then you're the man I've been looking for!
Like drugs? Me too! Actually, I like YOU to take drugs while I sit back and rummage through your brain to suss out little confessions and confidential information.
In addition to the above, please have the following qualities:
Inability to express emotion - I love this! I can spend the next 5 years trying to figure you out to no avail, while getting my emotional needs fulfilled via tequila shots, a vibrator, and sleazy Gold's Gym pick-up artists.
Blown-up self-image to compensate for zero self-esteem a/k/a Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Let me worship you and be blessed by your presence. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you. You're perfect already and capable of supernatural feats such as physical invincibility (nothing can break this man and he never gets sick!), causing the universe to bend to your will (for example, you need a parking spot on a crowded street and one magically opens up - you did that!), and psychically fighting off those goddamned 5th dimensional alien-beings that are trying to take over Congress. I love you for that!
Commitmentphobic - Now this is sexy and guaranteed to drag out a 2-month fling over a decade! Don't worry, I'm one too. Everytime I start pulling away and getting a little tired of our games, you can come chase me and reignite my passion for you. Then when I start getting a little too close for comfort, you head for the hills! It's Cat n' Mouse at its finest!
A bit of larceny in your heart - Nothing's more fun than a little B&E and stealing some small meaningless items i.e. salt & pepper shakers. Theft not your thing? I'm also up for getting drunk on Mickeys’ and peeing on rich people's cars. I'll get the tires, tailpipes and fenders, you get the windows and doorhandles. Extra points for setting off the alarm.
Inept at Initimacy – Do you cringe at the thought of holding my hand, giving me a backrub, hugging, kissing, cunnilingus, private conversations and cuddling? Or, does the foregoing just seem pointless since, deep down, I should already know how you really feel about me? If either of the above are true, that’s great! I don’t need that shit either! We can just fuck at night before we go to bed, preferably doggy-style while you rub my clit until its numb. I’ll fake an orgasm so that we seem to simultaneously climax and then you can just rollover and go to sleep. I’ll finish off in the bathroom with Palmela and for a few passive-aggressive kicks, I’ll use the backside of your only pair of wearable pants to clean myself up. You’ll be looking mighty fine at work tomorrow with giz all over your booty. Now, isn’t all this MORE than enough? That’s what I’m saying!
Have a wandering eye – Simply put, I love beating the shit out of would-be interlopers. My eyes are sure to wander too, so you be the same.
The “Teddy-Bear” Ploy or When a man tells a woman, “ . . . but when you really get to know me, I’m actually a nice guy/sensitive sweet man/Teddy-Bear inside.” - Now most women who have been around the block, know that the Teddy Bear Ploy is a big load of shit. But I love that shit! I have that shit too! I want to fall in love with what you COULD BE, not who you ARE. As long as I have an insecurity, I’ll have the power to perpetuate my delusions indefinitely. You be the same.
Do you hate your father or your mother, or both? Better yet, if you know deep down that your parents are evil, but you're still to this day vying for their attention and love, then you're the man I've been looking for!
Like drugs? Me too! Actually, I like YOU to take drugs while I sit back and rummage through your brain to suss out little confessions and confidential information.
In addition to the above, please have the following qualities:
Inability to express emotion - I love this! I can spend the next 5 years trying to figure you out to no avail, while getting my emotional needs fulfilled via tequila shots, a vibrator, and sleazy Gold's Gym pick-up artists.
Blown-up self-image to compensate for zero self-esteem a/k/a Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Let me worship you and be blessed by your presence. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you. You're perfect already and capable of supernatural feats such as physical invincibility (nothing can break this man and he never gets sick!), causing the universe to bend to your will (for example, you need a parking spot on a crowded street and one magically opens up - you did that!), and psychically fighting off those goddamned 5th dimensional alien-beings that are trying to take over Congress. I love you for that!
Commitmentphobic - Now this is sexy and guaranteed to drag out a 2-month fling over a decade! Don't worry, I'm one too. Everytime I start pulling away and getting a little tired of our games, you can come chase me and reignite my passion for you. Then when I start getting a little too close for comfort, you head for the hills! It's Cat n' Mouse at its finest!
A bit of larceny in your heart - Nothing's more fun than a little B&E and stealing some small meaningless items i.e. salt & pepper shakers. Theft not your thing? I'm also up for getting drunk on Mickeys’ and peeing on rich people's cars. I'll get the tires, tailpipes and fenders, you get the windows and doorhandles. Extra points for setting off the alarm.
Inept at Initimacy – Do you cringe at the thought of holding my hand, giving me a backrub, hugging, kissing, cunnilingus, private conversations and cuddling? Or, does the foregoing just seem pointless since, deep down, I should already know how you really feel about me? If either of the above are true, that’s great! I don’t need that shit either! We can just fuck at night before we go to bed, preferably doggy-style while you rub my clit until its numb. I’ll fake an orgasm so that we seem to simultaneously climax and then you can just rollover and go to sleep. I’ll finish off in the bathroom with Palmela and for a few passive-aggressive kicks, I’ll use the backside of your only pair of wearable pants to clean myself up. You’ll be looking mighty fine at work tomorrow with giz all over your booty. Now, isn’t all this MORE than enough? That’s what I’m saying!
Have a wandering eye – Simply put, I love beating the shit out of would-be interlopers. My eyes are sure to wander too, so you be the same.
The “Teddy-Bear” Ploy or When a man tells a woman, “ . . . but when you really get to know me, I’m actually a nice guy/sensitive sweet man/Teddy-Bear inside.” - Now most women who have been around the block, know that the Teddy Bear Ploy is a big load of shit. But I love that shit! I have that shit too! I want to fall in love with what you COULD BE, not who you ARE. As long as I have an insecurity, I’ll have the power to perpetuate my delusions indefinitely. You be the same.
Site Update
Well, with a little help from some friends I have changed my whole site. I have added new pages, pictures, and links. Thanks especially to Kris for working so hard for me.
I have made plans to go to Oregon with Sandy to see Jennifer and meet her mother Judy in April. I am really excited about it. Sandy has seen to it that all the necessary parties are ok with my visit so it looks like it is a go. Sandy asked me to do this for her birthday, how can I possibly not?
My weeks have been filled with interviews and friends. I actually have a second face-to-face with Micromenders this week. I am guessing this one could be mine if I really want it. I will let you all know how it goes.
I wish my brain wasnt so tired, then I could remember everything I have been meaning to write about. Alas, I can't.
Kisses
Ive tried so hard my dear to show
that you're my every dream
yet you're afraid each thing i do
is just some evil scheme
a memory from your lonesome past keeps us
so far apart
why cant i free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold cold heart
Another love from before my time
made your heart sad and blue
and so my heart is paying now
for things i didn't do
in anger unkind words i say
that made the teardrop start
why cant i free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold cold heart
another love before my time
made your heart sad and blue
and now i know your heart is shackled
to a memory
the more i learn
i get to you
the more we drift apart
why cant i free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold cold heart
I have made plans to go to Oregon with Sandy to see Jennifer and meet her mother Judy in April. I am really excited about it. Sandy has seen to it that all the necessary parties are ok with my visit so it looks like it is a go. Sandy asked me to do this for her birthday, how can I possibly not?
My weeks have been filled with interviews and friends. I actually have a second face-to-face with Micromenders this week. I am guessing this one could be mine if I really want it. I will let you all know how it goes.
I wish my brain wasnt so tired, then I could remember everything I have been meaning to write about. Alas, I can't.
Kisses
Ive tried so hard my dear to show
that you're my every dream
yet you're afraid each thing i do
is just some evil scheme
a memory from your lonesome past keeps us
so far apart
why cant i free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold cold heart
Another love from before my time
made your heart sad and blue
and so my heart is paying now
for things i didn't do
in anger unkind words i say
that made the teardrop start
why cant i free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold cold heart
another love before my time
made your heart sad and blue
and now i know your heart is shackled
to a memory
the more i learn
i get to you
the more we drift apart
why cant i free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold cold heart
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
So much to say
OK, sorry, been busy.
Where to start?
Had a really nice dinner with Kris and Thia the other night. We went for mexican food and then walked to Kris' house for wine and chat. We talked for about 5 hours. It was really great. She has been wonderful to me, very supportive and very caring and I can not thank her enough for opening up and trusting me. I am looking forward to cooking for her tomorrow night!
I had two job interviews this week. One I did not get (I think they already had someone in mind when I went in on Monday) and the other I aced. I will be seeing them again on Friday or Monday. Cool company, Micromenders, located in downtown SF. I would have really dug working for the company I interviewed with on Monday, but I understand how these things go. I will keep you updated on the Micromenders job.
My friend Mikey came in from Boston for a visit and a job interview. It is nice having him around. We all (Carmen, Paul, Russell, John B. and Mikey) are on our way out the door to Sushi. Yum.
I received an unexpected gift in the mail yesterday. It was a Milagro from my friend Lyn in Texas. Oh My God, she is soooo ruling. This woman is such a love. She is constantly sending me happy notes and making me smile. Thank you Lyn, you are the best!
Carmen is on Spring Break this week so we are doing fun things. Shopping, eating, sleeping late...Hey, this has been MY life for four months, heh. Welcome to heaven Pea.
OK, thats all for now. More to come when I have more time.
Kisses
Where to start?
Had a really nice dinner with Kris and Thia the other night. We went for mexican food and then walked to Kris' house for wine and chat. We talked for about 5 hours. It was really great. She has been wonderful to me, very supportive and very caring and I can not thank her enough for opening up and trusting me. I am looking forward to cooking for her tomorrow night!
I had two job interviews this week. One I did not get (I think they already had someone in mind when I went in on Monday) and the other I aced. I will be seeing them again on Friday or Monday. Cool company, Micromenders, located in downtown SF. I would have really dug working for the company I interviewed with on Monday, but I understand how these things go. I will keep you updated on the Micromenders job.
My friend Mikey came in from Boston for a visit and a job interview. It is nice having him around. We all (Carmen, Paul, Russell, John B. and Mikey) are on our way out the door to Sushi. Yum.
I received an unexpected gift in the mail yesterday. It was a Milagro from my friend Lyn in Texas. Oh My God, she is soooo ruling. This woman is such a love. She is constantly sending me happy notes and making me smile. Thank you Lyn, you are the best!
Carmen is on Spring Break this week so we are doing fun things. Shopping, eating, sleeping late...Hey, this has been MY life for four months, heh. Welcome to heaven Pea.
OK, thats all for now. More to come when I have more time.
Kisses
Friday, March 07, 2003
I am a little hung over
There's only need
I love your need
So much I'm losing me
I cannot see the reason for the pain
With hungry joy
I'll be your toy
Just hoping you will play
Without hope my body starts to fail
Memories fade but the scars still linger
Goodbye my friend
Will I ever love again
Memories fade but the scars still linger
I cannot grow
I cannot move
I cannot fell my age
The vice like grip of tension holds me fast
Engulfed by you
What can I do
When History's my cage
Look foward to a future in the past
The more I talk
The more I say
The less you seem to hear
I'm speechless in a most peculiar way
Your mind is weak
Your need is great
And nothing is too dear
For you to use to take the pain away
Memories Fade
No don't pretend you can justify the end
Memories fade but the scars still linger
I love your need
So much I'm losing me
I cannot see the reason for the pain
With hungry joy
I'll be your toy
Just hoping you will play
Without hope my body starts to fail
Memories fade but the scars still linger
Goodbye my friend
Will I ever love again
Memories fade but the scars still linger
I cannot grow
I cannot move
I cannot fell my age
The vice like grip of tension holds me fast
Engulfed by you
What can I do
When History's my cage
Look foward to a future in the past
The more I talk
The more I say
The less you seem to hear
I'm speechless in a most peculiar way
Your mind is weak
Your need is great
And nothing is too dear
For you to use to take the pain away
Memories Fade
No don't pretend you can justify the end
Memories fade but the scars still linger
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
This one is just for me.
I spent the weekend at Jerry and Ritchie’s with Carmen. We had a party for Christopher’s birthday. We had food (I did not eat) wine (I had six glasses) and a great big hangover. I had a wonderful time. Jerry and I discussed having a baby again (yes, while I was sober) and have come to the decision that we will wait one year before we begin. I am really excited about it. We even picked out names (for now). A boy will be Zachary and a girl will be Dakota. Of course, that will probably change a thousand times before we actually get to the baby making, but we have a good start.
On the way over to the boys house Carmen and I had a long talk about her ex Daniel. He had been planning a trip to SF for the weekend after next. However, he was driving up Friday night, had a family event on Saturday and would be driving back on Sunday. Carmen made the simple statement that she was disappointed with the fact that they would not have any time to hang out and he laid into her about how she was not a good friend. He told her how everything she did she did out of selfishness. She was floored. She was also very hurt. Daniel’s example to her of her selfishness was to remind her of how she had flown out to Florida (on her dime) to drive across country with him when he recently moved back to California, and how he believed she had done this for herself rather than for him. Now I have to say that this statement made NO sense to me. How he could come up with this twisted version of her intentions was beyond me (and her) but this is actually what he said to her. Go figure.
On Sunday Daniel called Carmen again. I didn’t think it was worth her while to answer it, but she did. She was curious to see what he had to say, and I believe she thought he would apologize and say something about being in a bad mood when she spoke to him on Friday. This was not the case. When she informed him that he had hurt her feelings he merely told her that he believed in what he said. He also told her that she should take another look at herself if she thought she was a good friend because she wasn’t and she was simply fooling herself. Carmen finally said that if that is what he truly thought of her then they should end their friendship. He agreed and she hung up. We went downstairs to talk about it. In a way, Carmen and I are in the same boat. We both made best friends of our exes and we both watched those friendships crumble with devastating effects. We talked for a good hour about what it feels like to really love someone who cannot return the love. How with both of these men, all we ever wanted to do was let them know they were loved because we believed that they had not been shown this in their lives. We both wanted to be there for these guys because they made us smile, made us feel safe, and, when we were “with” them, made us think that true love was possible. Apparently, neither of these men felt the way we did. Now Carmen and I know that we have to move on, but I think both of us are have been really reluctant to actually do it. I know, at least for me, I thought him and I would be best friends forever, if not more, but certainly not less.
Losing a best friend is an incredibly painful thing for me. I have never had to experience something like this before. I loved Doug, with everything in me. He was such a huge part of my life. At one point I even considered moving to Texas to stay close to him and his son, to remain a part of his family. I don’t think he ever really knew just how
important he was to me. Or if he did, I don’t think it mattered all that much. Even with all the negative there was so much positive, if you can understand that. I was telling my friend the other day about my brothers Barmitvah. I think the thing that will forever stick in my mind is slow dancing with Doug and having him sing in my ear “there’s nothing wrong with me loving you” from “Let’s Get it On.” It was such a tender moment for me. I remember my step-mom (along with a few others) asking me when the wedding was because they said that him and I looked so in love. I know it was only teasing, but it still made my heart ache. I know I was just a silly girl but my heart was invested.
On the drive home I asked Carmen if there was a moment when she thought about Dan that made her ache. Her answer was “just one (giggle)?” I explained to her that I meant was there a defining moment in her relationship that if she had done it differently did she wonder if it would have changed the course of the relationship. She said no and asked if I did. I did. It was the night when Carmen, Dan, Doug and I went to see Brotherhood of the Wolf. When Doug and I got back to my house we climbed in bed and talked and joked for a long time. We started to play fight and then he was on top of me. He looked down at me with such intensity that I started to get scared. He kissed me. My heart was pounding. I don’t really know why this moment scared me so much, but I knew that if I didn’t do something to change the mood I was in trouble. So I stopped it. I asked questions about why he wanted to be so intimate with me. I lied about not being interested in love making but only in sex. I started a fight. He ended it. He left that night, no longer my boyfriend. I often wondered if I had not been so afraid what it may have turned into from there. But as Carmen says, if he hadn’t ended it then he would have any minute after that. I know that thinking about that night is dwelling, but it is the one moment that really strikes me as being such a waste. There were so many arguments. So many tears. So much pain. Yet, I don’t think I would change a thing. Well, maybe one…
I wish that my best friend and I hadn’t hurt each other so much. We loved each other very much and had a very intense relationship. My jealousy and his not wanting to take responsibility were major problems for us. The last betrayal, the one where he went into my website, well that destroyed my trust for him. I don’t think that can be fixed.
It has come to my attention that he believes that I broke into his site first. I need to say for the record that I never, ever, would do something like that. There is also some talk that I asked someone else to do it, again, this is something I will swear on my life I would never do. As angry as I have been with him, I would never hurt him, not for any reason, and what saddens me most is that I thought he knew me well enough to know that I am not that kind of person. Perhaps he is holding me responsible for the actions of others, and in that case there isn’t much I can do. But I can promise him, and his family, that I only ever wanted the best for him, and still do.
Kisses
On the way over to the boys house Carmen and I had a long talk about her ex Daniel. He had been planning a trip to SF for the weekend after next. However, he was driving up Friday night, had a family event on Saturday and would be driving back on Sunday. Carmen made the simple statement that she was disappointed with the fact that they would not have any time to hang out and he laid into her about how she was not a good friend. He told her how everything she did she did out of selfishness. She was floored. She was also very hurt. Daniel’s example to her of her selfishness was to remind her of how she had flown out to Florida (on her dime) to drive across country with him when he recently moved back to California, and how he believed she had done this for herself rather than for him. Now I have to say that this statement made NO sense to me. How he could come up with this twisted version of her intentions was beyond me (and her) but this is actually what he said to her. Go figure.
On Sunday Daniel called Carmen again. I didn’t think it was worth her while to answer it, but she did. She was curious to see what he had to say, and I believe she thought he would apologize and say something about being in a bad mood when she spoke to him on Friday. This was not the case. When she informed him that he had hurt her feelings he merely told her that he believed in what he said. He also told her that she should take another look at herself if she thought she was a good friend because she wasn’t and she was simply fooling herself. Carmen finally said that if that is what he truly thought of her then they should end their friendship. He agreed and she hung up. We went downstairs to talk about it. In a way, Carmen and I are in the same boat. We both made best friends of our exes and we both watched those friendships crumble with devastating effects. We talked for a good hour about what it feels like to really love someone who cannot return the love. How with both of these men, all we ever wanted to do was let them know they were loved because we believed that they had not been shown this in their lives. We both wanted to be there for these guys because they made us smile, made us feel safe, and, when we were “with” them, made us think that true love was possible. Apparently, neither of these men felt the way we did. Now Carmen and I know that we have to move on, but I think both of us are have been really reluctant to actually do it. I know, at least for me, I thought him and I would be best friends forever, if not more, but certainly not less.
Losing a best friend is an incredibly painful thing for me. I have never had to experience something like this before. I loved Doug, with everything in me. He was such a huge part of my life. At one point I even considered moving to Texas to stay close to him and his son, to remain a part of his family. I don’t think he ever really knew just how
important he was to me. Or if he did, I don’t think it mattered all that much. Even with all the negative there was so much positive, if you can understand that. I was telling my friend the other day about my brothers Barmitvah. I think the thing that will forever stick in my mind is slow dancing with Doug and having him sing in my ear “there’s nothing wrong with me loving you” from “Let’s Get it On.” It was such a tender moment for me. I remember my step-mom (along with a few others) asking me when the wedding was because they said that him and I looked so in love. I know it was only teasing, but it still made my heart ache. I know I was just a silly girl but my heart was invested.
On the drive home I asked Carmen if there was a moment when she thought about Dan that made her ache. Her answer was “just one (giggle)?” I explained to her that I meant was there a defining moment in her relationship that if she had done it differently did she wonder if it would have changed the course of the relationship. She said no and asked if I did. I did. It was the night when Carmen, Dan, Doug and I went to see Brotherhood of the Wolf. When Doug and I got back to my house we climbed in bed and talked and joked for a long time. We started to play fight and then he was on top of me. He looked down at me with such intensity that I started to get scared. He kissed me. My heart was pounding. I don’t really know why this moment scared me so much, but I knew that if I didn’t do something to change the mood I was in trouble. So I stopped it. I asked questions about why he wanted to be so intimate with me. I lied about not being interested in love making but only in sex. I started a fight. He ended it. He left that night, no longer my boyfriend. I often wondered if I had not been so afraid what it may have turned into from there. But as Carmen says, if he hadn’t ended it then he would have any minute after that. I know that thinking about that night is dwelling, but it is the one moment that really strikes me as being such a waste. There were so many arguments. So many tears. So much pain. Yet, I don’t think I would change a thing. Well, maybe one…
I wish that my best friend and I hadn’t hurt each other so much. We loved each other very much and had a very intense relationship. My jealousy and his not wanting to take responsibility were major problems for us. The last betrayal, the one where he went into my website, well that destroyed my trust for him. I don’t think that can be fixed.
It has come to my attention that he believes that I broke into his site first. I need to say for the record that I never, ever, would do something like that. There is also some talk that I asked someone else to do it, again, this is something I will swear on my life I would never do. As angry as I have been with him, I would never hurt him, not for any reason, and what saddens me most is that I thought he knew me well enough to know that I am not that kind of person. Perhaps he is holding me responsible for the actions of others, and in that case there isn’t much I can do. But I can promise him, and his family, that I only ever wanted the best for him, and still do.
Kisses
Saturday, March 01, 2003
Move Along...Nothing to see Here
I WROTE A LETTER TO YOU MY FRIEND
SO MANY LETTERS THAT I NEVER SEND
I THINK ABOUT YOU AT THE DAY'S END
THE TIME THAT WE HAD
I LAUGHED IN MY BED
THE STUPID THINGS YOU SAID
WE WERE TWO BIRDS OF PARADISE
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL
WITH CLAY HORSES AND LAMBS ON THE SHELF
I CAUGHT FROGS IN DITCHES, LISTENED FOR ELVES
MY FRIENDS AND I HAD A WORLD UNTO OURSELVES
NO GROWNUPS COULD FIND US WHEN WE
MADE OUR PLANS SO SECRETLY
TO RUN AWAY AND FLY TO BE
WITH THE TWO BIRDS OF PARADISE
NOW ONCE UPON A TIME …
MY MIND STILL THERE WANDERS
BACK IN YOUR LITTLE ROOM
THE THINGS I REMEMBER
ONE TIME WHEN WE TOOK OFF OUR CLOTHES
BUT YOU WERE CRYIN',
CRYIN'
YOU SAID NOTHING LASTS FOREVER
WE WERE HAPPY TOGETHER
I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU
HERE ON MY OWN
ME IN MY NEW ROOM
YOU IN YOUR NEW HOME
THIS IS THE LIFE THEY SAY THAT
DREAMS ARE MADE OF
DON'T FORGET
PLEASE DO FORGIVE ME
I STILL HAVE SOMETHING YOU DID GIVE ME
COME INTO MY DREAM WITH ME AND DREAM
DREAM OF PARADISE
SO MANY LETTERS THAT I NEVER SEND
I THINK ABOUT YOU AT THE DAY'S END
THE TIME THAT WE HAD
I LAUGHED IN MY BED
THE STUPID THINGS YOU SAID
WE WERE TWO BIRDS OF PARADISE
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL
WITH CLAY HORSES AND LAMBS ON THE SHELF
I CAUGHT FROGS IN DITCHES, LISTENED FOR ELVES
MY FRIENDS AND I HAD A WORLD UNTO OURSELVES
NO GROWNUPS COULD FIND US WHEN WE
MADE OUR PLANS SO SECRETLY
TO RUN AWAY AND FLY TO BE
WITH THE TWO BIRDS OF PARADISE
NOW ONCE UPON A TIME …
MY MIND STILL THERE WANDERS
BACK IN YOUR LITTLE ROOM
THE THINGS I REMEMBER
ONE TIME WHEN WE TOOK OFF OUR CLOTHES
BUT YOU WERE CRYIN',
CRYIN'
YOU SAID NOTHING LASTS FOREVER
WE WERE HAPPY TOGETHER
I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU
HERE ON MY OWN
ME IN MY NEW ROOM
YOU IN YOUR NEW HOME
THIS IS THE LIFE THEY SAY THAT
DREAMS ARE MADE OF
DON'T FORGET
PLEASE DO FORGIVE ME
I STILL HAVE SOMETHING YOU DID GIVE ME
COME INTO MY DREAM WITH ME AND DREAM
DREAM OF PARADISE
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
Just a Thought
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face
And nobody's gonna bring me down today
Been feeling like nothings been going my way lately
But I decided right here, right now, that my outlooks gotta change
That's why I'm gonna
Say goodbye
To all the tears I've cried
For every time
Someone hurt my pride
Feeling like
They won't let me live life
And take the time
To look at what is mine
I see every lesson so clearly
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I'm gonna carry on
I never wanna dwell on my pain again
There's no use in reliving how I hurt back then
Remembering all of the hell I felt
When I was running out of faith
Every step I'm about to take
Well it's towards a better day
Cause I'm about to
Say farewell to
Every single lie
And all the fears
I've held too long inside
Every time I felt I couldn't try
All the negativity and strife
Cause too long
I've been
Struggling.
Couldn't go on
But now I've found
I'm feeling strong
And moving on
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I'm gonna carry on
Every time I tried
To be what they wanted from me
It never came naturally
So I ended up in misery
Was unable to see
All the good around me
Wasting so much energy
On what they thought of me
Simply just remembering to breathe
I'm humanly unable to please
Everyone at the same time
So now I find
My peace of mind
Living one day at a time
In the end I answer to no one
It comes down to one love
I've made the decision
Never to give up
Til the I day I die no matter what
I'm gonna carry on.
Kisses
And nobody's gonna bring me down today
Been feeling like nothings been going my way lately
But I decided right here, right now, that my outlooks gotta change
That's why I'm gonna
Say goodbye
To all the tears I've cried
For every time
Someone hurt my pride
Feeling like
They won't let me live life
And take the time
To look at what is mine
I see every lesson so clearly
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I'm gonna carry on
I never wanna dwell on my pain again
There's no use in reliving how I hurt back then
Remembering all of the hell I felt
When I was running out of faith
Every step I'm about to take
Well it's towards a better day
Cause I'm about to
Say farewell to
Every single lie
And all the fears
I've held too long inside
Every time I felt I couldn't try
All the negativity and strife
Cause too long
I've been
Struggling.
Couldn't go on
But now I've found
I'm feeling strong
And moving on
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I'm gonna carry on
Every time I tried
To be what they wanted from me
It never came naturally
So I ended up in misery
Was unable to see
All the good around me
Wasting so much energy
On what they thought of me
Simply just remembering to breathe
I'm humanly unable to please
Everyone at the same time
So now I find
My peace of mind
Living one day at a time
In the end I answer to no one
It comes down to one love
I've made the decision
Never to give up
Til the I day I die no matter what
I'm gonna carry on.
Kisses
Many Thanks
An old friend of mine, Riskay, has been very helpful and fixing my website since the break in. She spent a lot of her personal time helping me update passwords and adding a program on my site that allows me to block people by IP address. That is super cool. She has become an awesome Geek and I thank her again for taking the time to help me.
PS Her daughter broke her arm in school today, I wish her a speedy recovery and send my love!
Kisses
PS Her daughter broke her arm in school today, I wish her a speedy recovery and send my love!
Kisses
Monday, February 24, 2003
Please excuse the profanity
OK, let me tell you a little story. It begins when I decide to tell my ex-boyfriend that we can no longer be friends because he has been dishonest. No big deal, happens all the time. We go our own ways. Again, no big deal, he lives in Texas and I live in California. This event happens in January of this year. Now, I have a website, as you all know (heh). I also have something called webstats, which monitors who has been visiting my webpage by IP address. During the month of January (well actually from January 22 to January 31) my ex visits my website 23 times. OK so he likes to check in on me, cool. February comes and from February 1 to February 14 he visits my site another 40 plus times, ok a little over the top. On Valentines day I decide that I have been missing him and want to say hello, so I jump online and say hi. He tells me that he is immensely pleased to hear from me but is also wary. I can understand this, because I feel the same way. I don’t really have a lot of faith in our friendship, but I miss him so I figure what the hell. I put myself out there (again) to see if we can make a go at being friends. On top of all of this, I miss his son. I want to be a part of his sons life, so I am willing to try to work things through for the opportunity to remain in his sons life.
So now, I have a posting from February 13th. Please take a moment to read it. On February 15th I notice that my ex has posted a comment to my site. The comment WAS:
Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all nightlong
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow tall?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!
OK, so I thought this was cute and silly and a nice way to show he was interested in being friends again. This being the case, I decide that it will be ok to read his site again. I hadn’t read his site in almost a month so there was a lot to read. Somewhere after the 15th of February was a “poem” or a stream of consciousness that, when I read it, struck me. My first thought was, “this has nothing to do with me, and if I think it does then I have an ego problem.” But then I read it again, and I thought “this is about me.” Then I read it again and I thought “he wrote this as if he WAS me.” It was a pretty insulting piece. It made me look pretty sad and pathetic. So I asked my sister and best-friend to read it and tell me what they thought. Both of them were pretty upset with the piece. They thought it fucked up to post something so personal about me in a public place. I felt the same, but I didn’t really want to react. I just kinda sat with it. I did discuss the piece with my ex, who told me it was an exercise in writing and that in writing the piece he had brought himself to tears. I told him in reading the piece it had brought me to tears as well, but for different reasons. I felt very hurt about this posting but again, I let it go. I am no sure if it was the next day or the day after but my ex IMed me to tell me my best friend had sent him a comment on his site. I was surprised, and KNEW it was prolly not a good one. He sent me the post and I said that I guessed she didn’t like his poem and he agreed. We pretty much dropped it there. Later my best friend called me to tell me that he had posted a reply to her comment. It was at this moment that I wanted out of it. I told her I was not reading his site anymore because it was a little upsetting to me since the poem posted and so she told me his reply. I was VERY sure then that I was not going to read anymore. My understanding is that she and my ex went a few rounds about her thoughts and his thoughts, but I didn’t want to hear about it, it was making my stomach hurt. She was cool about it, said it was her business and she felt the need to let him know what she felt about him. Fine, it wasn’t my business anymore. I knew it was going to go badly, but I never figured it would go SO badly. My best friend told me her honesty REALLY pissed my ex off. OK, so I am worried about his feelings, I admit it. Then she tells me that he is saying that she has been mislead, that she has not got all the correct information. And I start to think “she doesn’t have any real solid information, we don’t talk about most of the mean things my ex has done cause I spent the last year covering up for his behavior.” And yet, he is assuming that the way my best friend feels about him is MY fault. Talk about denial. My best friend (along with most of the people in this area) never liked him. They tolerated him because I thought I was in love with him and they wanted me to be happy. Friends do this. They also pay attention to what is in front of their face (unlike some people) and they took in most of the lame details of my rocky relationship with my ex. But the story gets worse.
So one day, while all this is happening, I notice a comment posted on the same blog as the one my ex commented on. I look at the comment and it reads:
“WhatIf you crawl back into the hole you came from?” or something to that effect. Additionally, the return email address was _______sucks@hisdomain.com. When I went to click on the return address it sent me to a version of my exes website that had been transformed into Ebonics (kinda). Now, this, I will admit, made me laugh, but I really thought nothing of it. It was an anonymous posting, not a very nice one, but people do that shit all the time. I have never removed a comment so I figured I wasn’t going to change my policy now. Not over this. It seemed silly and unimportant. Now here is where it gets really fucked up. On Saturday I go to look at my webstats. The program is off. Odd, I think. I turn it back on (at this point, just so you know, it is February 22 and my ex has been on my site 60 times since the first of February) and email my host and ask them what happened. On Sunday I am chatting with a friend. This friend asks me what happened to the comments posted on February 13? I tell this friend I have no idea what they are talking about and go look. Sure enough, the comments are gone. Along with a few others. I start to get freaked out. I sign into my journal and decide to check the history. There is an IP address there that is not mine. I trace the IP address and guess where it leads me? You got it, my exes home in Texas. So the man has BROKEN into my journal and altered it, as well as BROKEN into my website and turned off my webstats. Un-fucking-believable. This is a man who prides himself on his honesty and integrity. Then he has the nerve to break into my PERSONAL business and change it to suit himself. Let me say this, when I asked all my geek friends what they would do if someone did that to them, here is a list of answers I received:
A. I would kick his ass
B. I would turn him into the authorities
C. I would hunt him down and hurt him
D. I would mess with him so hard
I didn’t want to take any of the above actions. I just wanted to know why someone who claimed to be so honest and kind would do something as low as BREAK INTO my site and mess with it. I was so hurt and angry by this that I lost it. I really did. I cried for over an hour. The betrayal, the lack of integrity, and just the plain old meanness of it all broke my heart. I would never, ever do something like this to anyone. I trusted my ex, with all of my heart. He took my trust and betrayed me. End of story. Long friendship ended.
You ask if it hurts? Hell yes it hurts. He WAS so very important to me, but he has taken that all away, killed any feelings I had for him by this final act of betrayal. It was more than I could take.
No kisses tonight.
So now, I have a posting from February 13th. Please take a moment to read it. On February 15th I notice that my ex has posted a comment to my site. The comment WAS:
Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all nightlong
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow tall?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!
OK, so I thought this was cute and silly and a nice way to show he was interested in being friends again. This being the case, I decide that it will be ok to read his site again. I hadn’t read his site in almost a month so there was a lot to read. Somewhere after the 15th of February was a “poem” or a stream of consciousness that, when I read it, struck me. My first thought was, “this has nothing to do with me, and if I think it does then I have an ego problem.” But then I read it again, and I thought “this is about me.” Then I read it again and I thought “he wrote this as if he WAS me.” It was a pretty insulting piece. It made me look pretty sad and pathetic. So I asked my sister and best-friend to read it and tell me what they thought. Both of them were pretty upset with the piece. They thought it fucked up to post something so personal about me in a public place. I felt the same, but I didn’t really want to react. I just kinda sat with it. I did discuss the piece with my ex, who told me it was an exercise in writing and that in writing the piece he had brought himself to tears. I told him in reading the piece it had brought me to tears as well, but for different reasons. I felt very hurt about this posting but again, I let it go. I am no sure if it was the next day or the day after but my ex IMed me to tell me my best friend had sent him a comment on his site. I was surprised, and KNEW it was prolly not a good one. He sent me the post and I said that I guessed she didn’t like his poem and he agreed. We pretty much dropped it there. Later my best friend called me to tell me that he had posted a reply to her comment. It was at this moment that I wanted out of it. I told her I was not reading his site anymore because it was a little upsetting to me since the poem posted and so she told me his reply. I was VERY sure then that I was not going to read anymore. My understanding is that she and my ex went a few rounds about her thoughts and his thoughts, but I didn’t want to hear about it, it was making my stomach hurt. She was cool about it, said it was her business and she felt the need to let him know what she felt about him. Fine, it wasn’t my business anymore. I knew it was going to go badly, but I never figured it would go SO badly. My best friend told me her honesty REALLY pissed my ex off. OK, so I am worried about his feelings, I admit it. Then she tells me that he is saying that she has been mislead, that she has not got all the correct information. And I start to think “she doesn’t have any real solid information, we don’t talk about most of the mean things my ex has done cause I spent the last year covering up for his behavior.” And yet, he is assuming that the way my best friend feels about him is MY fault. Talk about denial. My best friend (along with most of the people in this area) never liked him. They tolerated him because I thought I was in love with him and they wanted me to be happy. Friends do this. They also pay attention to what is in front of their face (unlike some people) and they took in most of the lame details of my rocky relationship with my ex. But the story gets worse.
So one day, while all this is happening, I notice a comment posted on the same blog as the one my ex commented on. I look at the comment and it reads:
“WhatIf you crawl back into the hole you came from?” or something to that effect. Additionally, the return email address was _______sucks@hisdomain.com. When I went to click on the return address it sent me to a version of my exes website that had been transformed into Ebonics (kinda). Now, this, I will admit, made me laugh, but I really thought nothing of it. It was an anonymous posting, not a very nice one, but people do that shit all the time. I have never removed a comment so I figured I wasn’t going to change my policy now. Not over this. It seemed silly and unimportant. Now here is where it gets really fucked up. On Saturday I go to look at my webstats. The program is off. Odd, I think. I turn it back on (at this point, just so you know, it is February 22 and my ex has been on my site 60 times since the first of February) and email my host and ask them what happened. On Sunday I am chatting with a friend. This friend asks me what happened to the comments posted on February 13? I tell this friend I have no idea what they are talking about and go look. Sure enough, the comments are gone. Along with a few others. I start to get freaked out. I sign into my journal and decide to check the history. There is an IP address there that is not mine. I trace the IP address and guess where it leads me? You got it, my exes home in Texas. So the man has BROKEN into my journal and altered it, as well as BROKEN into my website and turned off my webstats. Un-fucking-believable. This is a man who prides himself on his honesty and integrity. Then he has the nerve to break into my PERSONAL business and change it to suit himself. Let me say this, when I asked all my geek friends what they would do if someone did that to them, here is a list of answers I received:
A. I would kick his ass
B. I would turn him into the authorities
C. I would hunt him down and hurt him
D. I would mess with him so hard
I didn’t want to take any of the above actions. I just wanted to know why someone who claimed to be so honest and kind would do something as low as BREAK INTO my site and mess with it. I was so hurt and angry by this that I lost it. I really did. I cried for over an hour. The betrayal, the lack of integrity, and just the plain old meanness of it all broke my heart. I would never, ever do something like this to anyone. I trusted my ex, with all of my heart. He took my trust and betrayed me. End of story. Long friendship ended.
You ask if it hurts? Hell yes it hurts. He WAS so very important to me, but he has taken that all away, killed any feelings I had for him by this final act of betrayal. It was more than I could take.
No kisses tonight.
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
A little joke from Pea
A woman goes shopping in a grocery store. She gets up to the checkout and places her items on the counter. The checker looks at the items the woman has, looks at the woman and says:
"You are single, aren't you?"
The woman replies:
"Why yes I am, how did you know?"
The checker says:
"Cause you are ugly."
LOL, I know, I know.
Kisses
"You are single, aren't you?"
The woman replies:
"Why yes I am, how did you know?"
The checker says:
"Cause you are ugly."
LOL, I know, I know.
Kisses
Tongue tied and twisted are all my memories
With one more look at you
I could learn to tame the clouds
And let the sun shine through
Leave a troubled past and I might start anew
I'll solve the mysteries if you're the prize
Refresh these tired eyes
With one more look at you
I might overcome the anger
That I learned to know
Find a piece of mind I lost so long ago
Your gentle touch has made me strong again
And I belong again
For when you look at me
I'm everything and more that I had dreamed I'd be
My spirit feels a promise
I won't be alone
We'll love and live more
Love and live forever
With one more look at you
I'd learn to change the stars
And change our fortunes too
I'd have the constellations paint your portrait too
So all the world might share this wonderful sight
The world could end each night
With one more look at you
With one more look at you
I want one more look at you
Kisses
I could learn to tame the clouds
And let the sun shine through
Leave a troubled past and I might start anew
I'll solve the mysteries if you're the prize
Refresh these tired eyes
With one more look at you
I might overcome the anger
That I learned to know
Find a piece of mind I lost so long ago
Your gentle touch has made me strong again
And I belong again
For when you look at me
I'm everything and more that I had dreamed I'd be
My spirit feels a promise
I won't be alone
We'll love and live more
Love and live forever
With one more look at you
I'd learn to change the stars
And change our fortunes too
I'd have the constellations paint your portrait too
So all the world might share this wonderful sight
The world could end each night
With one more look at you
With one more look at you
I want one more look at you
Kisses
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
Love from a Friend
Some one sent me this, a very kind soul:
Just for today -
Let me love you unconditionally, see your perfection, and share with you the wonder of my vision. Let me help you create a safe space for you to fully manifest the unconditionally loving being you truly are.
Just for today -
Let me mirror your love, respect, passion, understanding, trust, humor, patience, and compassion. Let me show you the magic I see in you. Let me give you my time, my respect, my love. Let me honor your being.
Just for today -
Let me remember that our primary purpose is to manifest love - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is all we can really be, and to recreate that love is fore play. Let me touch your body lovingly and reverently. Let me please you physically as we bond emotionally and spiritually. Let me enjoy the incredible expression of our sensuality.
Just for today -
Let me be present for you when you need someone to hear what you have to say - about your feelings, your ideas, or your dreams. Let me learn to trust again and to teach you that you can trust me.
Just for today -
Let me be a part of your growth and be a part of mine. Let me stay present with you while we find resolutions to miscommunications or disagreements. Let me hear your dreams and let me tell you mine.
Just for today -
Let me dream of the time we can sit together and reflect back on the days we shared, and the magic and wonder of that sharing that fills a lifetime.
Just for today -
Reiki
Kisses, and thank you
Just for today -
Let me love you unconditionally, see your perfection, and share with you the wonder of my vision. Let me help you create a safe space for you to fully manifest the unconditionally loving being you truly are.
Just for today -
Let me mirror your love, respect, passion, understanding, trust, humor, patience, and compassion. Let me show you the magic I see in you. Let me give you my time, my respect, my love. Let me honor your being.
Just for today -
Let me remember that our primary purpose is to manifest love - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is all we can really be, and to recreate that love is fore play. Let me touch your body lovingly and reverently. Let me please you physically as we bond emotionally and spiritually. Let me enjoy the incredible expression of our sensuality.
Just for today -
Let me be present for you when you need someone to hear what you have to say - about your feelings, your ideas, or your dreams. Let me learn to trust again and to teach you that you can trust me.
Just for today -
Let me be a part of your growth and be a part of mine. Let me stay present with you while we find resolutions to miscommunications or disagreements. Let me hear your dreams and let me tell you mine.
Just for today -
Let me dream of the time we can sit together and reflect back on the days we shared, and the magic and wonder of that sharing that fills a lifetime.
Just for today -
Reiki
Kisses, and thank you
Thursday, February 13, 2003
Ah, Kettle Chips. The perfect side dish...for revenge!
Let me just say, when your roomie walks into your room, hands you a lovely glass of wine, and lights a cig for you...life is sweet.
I am finally getting over whatever sickness I was struck with this week. I figure by tomorrow I will be all good. I was super careful not to do anything that would further my illness. I hate being sick.
I find I am struggling with letting go. It is interesting because I am usually pretty good at this, but lately I feel as though there is something in the way of me moving on. I really need to focus on this so I can get on with my life and stop sitting around wondering "what if". What if's are bad for you, they drain you and they keep you from growing. I am getting rid of the What If's if it kills me.
Another interesting note: A woman I have NO interest in having in my life reached out to me today. I don't get it. She was lousy to me, dishonest and manipulative, and yet she thinks I would want to know her. People are a trip. How they can not see how fucked up they are amazes me. I know most of my faults, I really have worked hard in therapy to work through them or learn to accept them, but I am constantly running into whack jobs who want to be a part of my life. That is not to say that I myself am not a whack job, it is just I don't feel the need to cuddle up with every other whack job I meet and impose my whackiness on them.
I figured out today I need to buy a SmartMedia card thingy to put the pictures on my laptop, thereby delivering them to you. People have been asking for updates (OK one person really) and I have 111 pictures on my digital camera just screaming to be somewhere else. I have tons of pictures from Christmas (both here and SD) and pictures from New Years and pictures of my new house. All of which I will be sharing by the end of the weekend, I swear.
OK, now that I am full of Matza Ball Soup (sing it with me, memories...) and good wine, I am gonna sleep.
Kisses
I am finally getting over whatever sickness I was struck with this week. I figure by tomorrow I will be all good. I was super careful not to do anything that would further my illness. I hate being sick.
I find I am struggling with letting go. It is interesting because I am usually pretty good at this, but lately I feel as though there is something in the way of me moving on. I really need to focus on this so I can get on with my life and stop sitting around wondering "what if". What if's are bad for you, they drain you and they keep you from growing. I am getting rid of the What If's if it kills me.
Another interesting note: A woman I have NO interest in having in my life reached out to me today. I don't get it. She was lousy to me, dishonest and manipulative, and yet she thinks I would want to know her. People are a trip. How they can not see how fucked up they are amazes me. I know most of my faults, I really have worked hard in therapy to work through them or learn to accept them, but I am constantly running into whack jobs who want to be a part of my life. That is not to say that I myself am not a whack job, it is just I don't feel the need to cuddle up with every other whack job I meet and impose my whackiness on them.
I figured out today I need to buy a SmartMedia card thingy to put the pictures on my laptop, thereby delivering them to you. People have been asking for updates (OK one person really) and I have 111 pictures on my digital camera just screaming to be somewhere else. I have tons of pictures from Christmas (both here and SD) and pictures from New Years and pictures of my new house. All of which I will be sharing by the end of the weekend, I swear.
OK, now that I am full of Matza Ball Soup (sing it with me, memories...) and good wine, I am gonna sleep.
Kisses
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Vodka of the Gods
For a long time, i was in love
Not only in love, i was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, i'm covered in shells
And all i wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all in needed was a simple man
So i could be a wife
I'm so ashamed i've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along i'm hunting you down
Like a sick domestic abuser looking
For a fight
And all i wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would i try to make you mine?
I always thought i'd be a mom
Sometimes i wish for a mistake
The longer that i wait the more selfish that i get
You seem like you'd be a good dad
Now all those simple things are simply too
Complicated for my life
How'd i get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kinda of life
When all i ever wated was the simple things
Simple Kinda Life - No Doubt
Kisses
Not only in love, i was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, i'm covered in shells
And all i wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all in needed was a simple man
So i could be a wife
I'm so ashamed i've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along i'm hunting you down
Like a sick domestic abuser looking
For a fight
And all i wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would i try to make you mine?
I always thought i'd be a mom
Sometimes i wish for a mistake
The longer that i wait the more selfish that i get
You seem like you'd be a good dad
Now all those simple things are simply too
Complicated for my life
How'd i get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kinda of life
When all i ever wated was the simple things
Simple Kinda Life - No Doubt
Kisses
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Princess Ali
Damn. Boxing is hard core. I went to my class on Sunday, spent an hour punching the bag and jumping rope. I was so tired when I was done, but also full of adrenaline. After class I went to Mari's to hang out and chat. She is such a love, I really enjoy my time with her.
Had dinner at my dads Sunday night. A really nice time. Ate too much, laughed a lot, went home around 8. Then BAM. I was sick. I passed out around 10, woke the next morning at 10, fell back asleep at 11, woke up at 7 at night, fell back asleep by 9 or so and woke up this morning at 10. Not only did I have a fever but I had malaria nightmares all night (and day). I had so many dreams they all ran into each other and I can not even begin to get into them here. On top of it all, I was so sore I barely could raise my arms. I feel much better today.
Talked to my ex the other day. We are going to the museum on Thursday to see a Van Gough exhibit. I am really looking forward to spending time with him, it has been too long.
Kisses
Had dinner at my dads Sunday night. A really nice time. Ate too much, laughed a lot, went home around 8. Then BAM. I was sick. I passed out around 10, woke the next morning at 10, fell back asleep at 11, woke up at 7 at night, fell back asleep by 9 or so and woke up this morning at 10. Not only did I have a fever but I had malaria nightmares all night (and day). I had so many dreams they all ran into each other and I can not even begin to get into them here. On top of it all, I was so sore I barely could raise my arms. I feel much better today.
Talked to my ex the other day. We are going to the museum on Thursday to see a Van Gough exhibit. I am really looking forward to spending time with him, it has been too long.
Kisses
Saturday, February 08, 2003
Down with my sickness
I am such a masochist. After being faithful to myself and not reading journals for almost a month I had to go and torture myself. A little catch up reading and now I know more of the truth than I ever needed to. God it is painful to realize how little I was cared for, how easy it is to dismiss me as being the one with all the problems, the one who caused this terrible mess. I hate that I love as deeply as I do. That I fall for men who are a mess, with nothing to give and so much energy to take because they have been stripped by their last love. I should have known this last time. I should have seen the outcome long before it happened. I should, I should, I should...but I didn't.
I was looking at pics of us, seeing this love only I imagined. Not realizing early on that I was alone there. There isn't one person in our lives that didn't see what we shared, except him, and thats all that really mattered. It amuses me that several friends have told me that if I have any desire to know him again I should contact them first and they will keep me "safe". Safe would have been never knowing him, never touching him and certainly never loving him, so I guess safe is outta the question.
I thought he could love me more than anyone he had ever met, that is certainly how I felt about him, but there are too many other women to fancy, too many other wounds to heal, way too much time needed and I came to him at the wrong moment, although maybe there would never be a good time for him.
Just a little sadness going a long ways.
Kisses
I was looking at pics of us, seeing this love only I imagined. Not realizing early on that I was alone there. There isn't one person in our lives that didn't see what we shared, except him, and thats all that really mattered. It amuses me that several friends have told me that if I have any desire to know him again I should contact them first and they will keep me "safe". Safe would have been never knowing him, never touching him and certainly never loving him, so I guess safe is outta the question.
I thought he could love me more than anyone he had ever met, that is certainly how I felt about him, but there are too many other women to fancy, too many other wounds to heal, way too much time needed and I came to him at the wrong moment, although maybe there would never be a good time for him.
Just a little sadness going a long ways.
Kisses
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