To Live Will Be An Awfully Big Adventure

I slept so peacefully last night. I woke up feeling inspired and a little sore from cleaning house for six hours (yes, it had gotten away from me.) The Criminals were wrapped around my feet, making it hard to jump out of bed so I kinda slithered, trying not to disrupt the kitty pile. Never works on Criminal #3, he hisses and runs away no matter how sly I try to be. Thinking a little KIT might do him some good.

People keep asking me when I might revert. I kinda want to punch them when they ask. People who have been successful with KIT DON'T revert. Some people feel the need for a booster at a month, some at three months, others at six months and some never go back. While I continue to work with my therapist and see where I land. I am not afraid of continuing KIT, it is a pleasant and somewhat magical experience. I just don't know if I will need to. 

There is beauty in this world everywhere you look. Keep your eyes open people.

xoks

Welcome To A Second Chance

Sunday is depression day. As I have said before, it's a day usually reserved for laying in bed awash in negative feelings, tears and cigarettes. Not today. Today I am smiling. Despite the fact that I forgot to turn off my alarm (I get one day people, ONE day) I still hopped out of bed and started to function. This is really important to understand; functionality is as important as my mood shift. KIT doesn't take away the issues that made my depression unbearable, it alleviates the overwhelming sense of fear and grief. It lifts that cloud and allows me a gentler way to move through those issues. It gives me a less dramatic feel to the darkness that has followed me around for 30 plus years.

Getting back to functionality - most people I know who suffer from depression simply struggle to function. I am high-functioning in my job. I have always been that way. It was a huge fear of mine that I would be unable to pay my rent and care for The Criminals so this kept me working hard and on point. However, that was sort of it. The rest could melt away and I didn't care. Of course, I have had beautiful moments in my life; spending time in NOLA, live music shows, getting to travel to other countries, watching little ones grow up. Moments I have deeply appreciated and honestly enjoyed, but those moments are like holidays from my day-to-day life. They pop up here and there to whisk you away but you always have to return to your real life.

I am realistic. I know that I need to work through some underlying problems and keep working on my well-being. KIT was instrumental in kick-starting my brain and relieving me of the heaviest of my hurt. It worked. It is that simple. It took that cloud that hovers over my head and washed it away. It saved my life. If you are hurting and out of traditional solutions, please consider this path. It can lead you to a better way of living. It can help you find your "Why".

xoks

How I feel post infusion

Speed Limit 110

Tomorrow is my final treatment. Since we went up to 110mgs it has taken me longer to recover between sessions.  Mostly I am plain exhausted. It is also much harder to describe what happens when I go under. The thoughts come so fast and get jumbled together. I have to open my eyes more often to make sure I am still in the room but I can't really see anything since my sight is so distorted. It is never frightening but it is disorienting. 

I am very excited by the changes I am seeing. I not only feel lighter, but I am functioning at a higher level. Small things that I used to resent (washing my hair, feeding the criminals, making coffee) no longer feel like a burden, they are just simple things we do in our daily lives. I have more energy (48 hours after treatment) and I smile more often.  The dark circles under my eyes have lightened and I am looking forward to upcoming events I have planned. I am no longer living in the darkness.

I am hopeful that this will last. From what I have read, treatment six is the kicker. Whether or not I need boosters down the line doesn't matter to me. I feel and see the immediate changes and life feels worth exploring again.

xoks 

Off To The Races

Today will be my fourth treatment. I am a little nervous because the dose will be increased and the last trip was pretty intense. I know that my doc is there to keep me balanced and can relieve any overwhelming feelings so I will go in with a positive attitude, do a little mindfulness meditation and go with the flow. I am as ready as I can be. More post treatment.

If you are curious about how this helps your brain, here is a very simple explanation:

Ketamine is completely different from SSRIs, tricyclics, MOAI inhibitors, benzos, or any other antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication.  The exact mechanism that causes ketamine to relieve depression is still under study, and is quite complex.  In short, when ketamine is administered in a very precise way it triggers a cascading sequence of events in the brain, which ultimately results in the re-growth of neurons that previously died off.  It is thought by some researchers that prolonged exposure to stress causes these neurons die off in the first place, resulting in depression, but ketamine causes them to rapidly re-grow within hours, relieving the depressive symptoms.  This is an oversimplification of a very complex topic, and the latest research hints there may be several other mechanisms involved that also play important roles.  Elsewhere on this site you’ll find more in-depth discussion, as well as a research database.

Pour Your Misery Down

My third session was intense. We upped my dosage to 90mg. After 10 minutes on the drip, I began giggling and slurring my speech. I am very grateful it was my mom by my side because no one else would make fun of me once I sobered up quite like my mother.

Yesterday and today I feel more groggy than usual. I am also less euphoric with a bit of a low feeling in my body and head but the doc said that some people experience a mild depression up until session six. I am allowing myself to feel whatever comes my way. 

I was able to jump out of bed yesterday and clean my house. I also stayed out of bed the whole day which is highly unusual for a Sunday; a day I always allow my depression to own by laying in bed and crying while chain-smoking. This Sunday I wanted to do small things to make my surroundings nicer. I felt at peace washing dishes and doing laundry. I didn't feel the need to nap or pull the covers over my head. It's the first Sunday in months I have felt this way. That is some serious progress for a person like me. 

I feel like I have been living inside Shirley Manson's head for the last seven plus years and it's been exhausting. The slow, sweet relief I am getting from my treatments is like kick-starting an old motorcycle. May take a few times but the sweet sound of the engine purring is always worth it.

xoks

70mg

Yesterday was treatment number two. The same process as the first time except my brother was there to support me this time. I am lucky to have such a loving, supportive family.

On the first treatment, he gave me 45mg.  A low dose but one that had me floating in a lovely little cloud. The doc thought we would go to 60mg this time but when he saw how well I was handling 60mg he pumped it up to 70mg. Let me just say, I have no idea why anyone wants to do this for recreational fun. I was out to lunch for over an hour. Brain spinning, body somewhere else, auditory hallucinations. It wasn't scary but it was intense. I can't relay the thoughts I had running through my foggy brain but I do know I kept finding "why's" (see March 13th) over and over again. Family, friends, music, travel; all these small why's adding up to enough to make my heart feel strong again.  

Today I am not as euphoric as I was on Wednesday but I feel really good. The doc says this is normal; session one, very powerful, session two, a little less impact on your mood, session three can be a breakthrough session. Four, five and six are to keep the dendrites moving and signaling. I say bring it on.

xoks

I'm Your Pusher

Worth watching.

Special K

Yesterday was my first treatment. Wow. I am floored by how I feel today. But before getting into that, let me take you on a little trip.

My mom was loving enough to take me to Palo Alto for my first infusion. On the drive down she asked me if I was scared. I told her I wasn't afraid of the procedure itself, I was afraid it might not work...then what would I do?

Once we reached the center we were greeted by a very kind doctor who had been working with Ketamine for over 20 years. He had started his practice using the treatment for pain relief and slowly transitioned to the mental health field as the drug was seen to prompt the regrowth of connections between brain cells that are involved in mood. In simple terms, it was regrowing nerves in the brain. 

We went into a small room where I was tucked in bed with my mom by my side. I was made to feel very safe and comfortable. He put an IV in my arm and started with a valium like cocktail before opening the saline-ketamine solution.  Within seconds I was floating from the valium; within minutes I was in a far away place.  While I was able to hold a conversation, I can't say I remember everything discussed. Up until the last few minutes I was golden - then the valium wore off and I started to feel slightly anxious.  The doctor assured me that was normal which helped me breathe through it.  About 10 minutes after the infusion was complete I was able to walk (albeit on clouds) back to my mom's car. 

The drive back was about an hour, and over that time the effects wore off.  I was very tired when I got home, but unable to nap. By 10 PM I was sound asleep.

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. No idea what I was dreaming about, but there was a definite weight missing from my usual morning routine.  To say that I feel better would be an understatement. I feel like the cloud that has been hovering over my head has shrunk in half. I am smiling and laughing. I even managed to get through a text from an ex that would normally have me in tears with a simple "no thank you". This is ONE treatment. I go back tomorrow for treatment number two and I am beyond hopeful. I will receive a total of six treatments between yesterday and next Saturday and I believe that my cloud will soon be replaced with much-needed sunshine.

xoks

Losing Your Why

Nietzsche said, "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." 

Most people who know me, know I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder with a healthy side of anxiety. I have been in therapy since I was 17 and on medication since I was 25. I have never hidden this from anyone. I understand that there is still a stigma around mental health issues but I have never shied away from a conversation about what it is like living with a disorder or how it affects my life. Until recently.

Over the last few months, I have been in a downward spiral.  Sinking deeper and deeper into my depression.  I am aware of the trigger (to be blogged at a later date) but I could not stop it from happening.  I have spent hours sobbing uncontrollably.  Days where I slept for 20 hours straight. Night after night of not sleeping at all. I have gone a week without eating - chainsmoking to feel full. I have ignored my cell, my email, my voicemail. I have fallen physically sick over and over again due to my inability to take care of myself. I am broken.

This isn't the first time I have been this deep.  Over the last seven years I have struggled more than ever with my illness. I have alienated myself from friends and family. I isolate and hide from everything but my job (which keeps me somewhat sane) major family events and much-needed escapes to see live music; the one thing that I can still find true joy in. Almost everything else seems like background noise to my depression; something to distract me from my head and keep away the darkest of thoughts.

I hit a wall. I looked around at my life and I thought "I have no fucking why so why am I continuing?" Yes, that wall.  The one no one talks about. The biggest taboo of mental health conversations. The one that leads you to round the clock care by people in white coats. The one that terrifies most people but only makes me feel like I can stop this pain if I can no longer hold it. A thought I have had over the last seven years more times than I can count. I am exhausted.

I recently started seeing a new therapist. She is an amazing woman who understands overly empathetic people who lack shields by which to protect themselves. From our second session until yesterday when I emailed her that I was barely holding on, she had been suggesting a new treatment for depression. Ketamine Infusion Therapy. I read a little about it after she mentioned it the first time but I was ambivalent about the idea of using animal tranquilizers as a remedy to my madness.  When I reached out to her yesterday I was so desperate that I begged her to help me find a center to start the process. 

I immediately contacted them and received a call within 15 minutes. The woman on the other end of the line heard the absolute despair in my voice.  She talked to me for 45 minutes. She had been there, she knew exactly how I felt and she promised me a way out. She explained how the therapy worked, what I should expect to experience and how quickly I would begin to heal.  Her words and kindness helped ground me in the moment and allowed me to breathe again. When we hung up I sobbed to myself that I could make it 36 hours until my first appointment. I am now 13 hours away. 

For the first time in so many years I feel hope. I think there is a way up. I believe that I am capable of finding my why so that I can bear almost any how. My journey begins tomorrow.

xoks

Time to gather up the splinters, build a casket for my tears

Come here
Pretty please
Can you tell me where I am?
You - won't you say something?
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lies that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Don't cry
There's always a way
Here in November in this house of leaves
We'll pray
Please, I know it's hard to believe
To see a perfect forest
Through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the promises I made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the lies that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Hallways... always
I'll always want you
I'll always need you
I'll always love you
And I will always miss you

Come here
No I won't say please
One more look at the ghost
Before I'm gonna make it leave
Come here
I've got the pieces here
Time to gather up the splinters
Build a casket for my tears

I'm haunted
(By the lives that I have loved)
I'm haunted
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echo there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune

- Poe

Hail Mary Full of Grace

Grace and I finally spent some quality time together. I had my first lesson at Jackson Arms with the gentle, yet slightly goofy, McKee.  Our date started with gun safety then moved on to the repetitive task of locking, loading, chambering, unloading, reloading, aiming, breathing and pretending to shoot.  That lasted about 30 minutes and it was on to playing dress up.  

In my sassy clear glasses and my slightly spongy ear muffs we moved on to the range.  McKee offered me a myriad of targets to choose from; Zombie Lil, Zombie John, Victim Sarah held by Zombie Lil, Victim Sam held by Zombie John....you get the idea, Zombies are very popular on the range.

In the end I chose a simple target with a tiny little green dot in the middle and 5 circles working their way out to the non-safety zone.  McKee explained that the green dot was an A++ and as you moved out it went down from there.  He then asked me what kind of grades I got in school. I just stared at my shoes.  

McKee shot the first round out of Grace and I jumped.  She is extremely loud and the shell came out of the chamber and bopped me on the head.  Who knew?  Once he showed me the "stance" he had me take aim and take my first shot.  I am pretty sure I closed my eyes because I hit the target on the 5 and stomped my foot.  Seeing my childish reaction he had me reload and refocus, hold a half breath and slowly squeeze.  This time I hit the 3.  A solid C.  The flash from a .45 is very bright and the shell hit me in the shoulder this time.  

He then had me load three bullets.  This time I shot double-action.  A lot harder and a lot longer before Grace went BOOM and the sizzling shell flew straight down my shirt and I did what is referred to as the "hot breast dance".  I did manage to set my gun down safely before I performed my jig.  Points for me and applause from my fellow rangers.

I went back to single action and I began to get closer to the green dot.  I was earning a B+ when McKee asked me if I was an over-achiever in high school and if all the boys followed me around like little puppy dogs.  Why yes and yes, I was and they did.  After that my shots went to shit.  Besides the fact that I had already spent 80 rounds and my arm was on fire, he pumped up my ego and that always trips me up.  By the 100th round I am pretty sure I hit the target in the lane next to mine. No one mentioned it. 

As I was checking out I asked McKee what he shot.  A Glock 9 of course.  I asked him why and he said "when you get older it just gets harder to shoot .45's.  It tires you out really quickly." So glad my first gun is a cannon.

xoks

What Could Have Been

Today is a touchy day for me.  An anniversary date that only existed in my head. Something I celebrated silently, often with much sadness. I know that time heals. But how long will I continue to count the actual days?

xoks

Se7en

I am on a little break.  I am taking seven days to do some reflecting and grounding.  The greatest impact is on my dating life.  I am not texting, IMing, emailing, Facebooking (them anyway) or taking calls.  

This has posed a little challenge for me.  I only informed one person that I am seeing that I am on this hiatus.  He was very supportive, as his has been with most things in my life, but it left a few others in the dark.  So far I have counted six missed calls, 18 ignored texts and nine neglected emails.  I committed to not contacting these men but I forgot to inform them of my mini-vacation.

So I am thinking, come Saturday, I am going to have some apologies to make.  I don't think anyone is going to be horribly upset with me but I suppose I could have planned this slightly better.  

On occasion I act impulsively - leaving some people in my life a little confused.  I don't do it on purpose; I do it to try to give myself some breathing room.  I can easily get lost in others and I am trying to recognize this quickly and act on it even faster.  Trying to stay balanced takes a lot of work.  Maybe I should have stayed in gymnastics...

xoks

I would like to order a 27 year old with a side of wtf am I doing please

I hate to admit it but I am an ageist.  But not in the traditional sense.

In my life I have generally stuck with my personal 5 up - 5 down rule with age (with the exception of my longest relationship were there was a 7 year age gap) but since all of my friends tossed that idea out the window I though why not?  A sexy dish of 27, sure, I will take it to go.

As it turns out my order was sickeningly undercooked.  The rawness of it left me feeling nauseous, soured inside.  Because in reality most 20 something boys are a mess.  

I know there is a lot to be said for whom we attract.  That if we are emotionally unhealthy then we will draw the like to us.  That being said, it is hard to see that creeping up on you.  What is much easier seems to be walking away from it.  As a 20 year old I would have worked really hard to "fix" that dish; added some salt, maybe a little butter to soften it up...in my 40's I just don't have any desire to cook anymore.  

Are the 30, 40, 50, 60 years olds any better?  Incrementally.  But lately it all seems so exhausting and pointless.  I don't want a partner, I don't want to babysit and I don't want to be in second place.  I simply want to have some fun.  It shouldn't be so difficult.

xoks

Desperately Seeking Me

My ego suffered a rather good blow today.  I didn't expect it.  I couldn't have even known it was coming because I was so enmeshed within it I was blind to the possibility.  Damn if it didn't knock me on my ass.

It isn't like I pretend that I am selfless, or that I don't know that I am fragile, but I have realized that sometimes I become so self-involved that one very small thing can take me out at the knees and my ego makes me its bitch.  

I value self-awareness more than almost anything else in the people I let into my life.  I try very hard to own my mistakes.  To look at the way I treat people, and if I feel like it isn't as kind and gentle as I need it to be, I try to correct myself immediately.  I am not perfect. Sometimes it will take me days to realize how wrong I have been and take action. I am sure there are hundreds of times I could have done "it" differently, but I make the effort everyday in hopes of one day being the person I desire to be when I grow up. 

I feel so detached from myself today that I just stare and stare in the mirror in hopes of seeing myself looking back.  Right now I simply don't know where I have disappeared to but I sure hope I can find my way back to me.

xoks

An Introspective View on Soothing the Savage Beast...

...also known as my bangs.

I have always loved wearing bangs.  Then I hate them.  I grow them out, then I cut them again, convincing myself I look younger and that it saves me on botox.

The issue is when my wonderful hair guru cuts my bangs they are perfect.  Smooth, rounded, Zooey Deschanel bangs.  Lightly brushing my eyelashes, making me feel like a a sweet little doe eyed girl.

Then three mornings later...I wake up with my bangs intertwined with my lashes. I can't see a thing.  They start to curl and wave and look less Zooey and more like a this girl.  Then the following ensues:

Dear Criminals,

I thought we had a deal. When your human is in a manic mood and is taking scissors to her own bangs we agreed you would NOT jump on the sink and scare the bejesus out of her causing her to now sport Girl Interrupted bangs for the next six weeks.

Sadly,

Your human waiting to be carted away to the looney bin

It's a viscous cycle.  An unbreakable chain.  My cross to bare.  Bangs; the bane of my existence. 

xoks 

Chasing the Devils Tail

I don't like games. I kinda like Cards against Humanity and I do play a mean scrabble but that is not what I am referring to here.

As I start to poke my toe in the dating pool I realize there are a lot of new rules that seem to have cropped up in the last few years.  I am a pretty straight shooter when I start seeing someone.  If there is no chemistry I simply say so.  If I want to (insert your own word here since my mom reads this) you, I will tell you.  I don't care about rules.  I don't want to waste my time or yours.

So why is it men are still unable to respond in like?  I did have a date with one man recently and we knew right away that it wasn't going anywhere.  We shook hands on it and email pleasantries to each other every now and again.  He is a really great guy but we got it, spoke about it and moved on as friends.  Why is this so difficult?  And if you want to (insert your own word here since my other mom also reads this) me, just say so.  The worst that can happen is I say no thanks.  No one has ever died from those words. 

I am not chasing anyone.  Instead I am ridding myself of the runners.

xoks

The Good Wife's Worst Enemy

I have never been married.  I hadn't been with anyone I wanted to marry until I was 36 or 37. That isn't to say I didn't love my exes. I just never wanted to marry them. In all fairness, they never asked.

I have been on a binge of The Good Wife.  I have always liked Julianna Margulies so I decided to give it a chance.  Honestly, it is just another soap opera with mostly predictable plots but I do get to gaze at Chris Noth and I do enjoy that.  

The thing is, it is triggering me.  I am the bad girl in these kinds of stories.  No, I am not a super hot call-girl (although I am kinda cute) and no, he wasn't a politician with an amazingly loving and supportive wife.  He was just a guy I fell in love with when I shouldn't have.  I spent five years of my life loving him, supporting him, and trying to "fix" him...because man is he broken.  I know this is coming from my mouth but if you pit us against each other in a "who is more fucked up" race he is going to win hands down.

I really did wrestle with his being married.  Not always, but a lot.  I recall going to a dark place in my head that would allow me to fantasize that all the things he told me were real.  That he never loved her, that he married her for his green card, that he chose her because she would not leave him like his first wife had because she was too weak and needy to leave him, that he stayed for the kids (yes, I said it, there were two).  He used every line married men use to keep us connected but that allows them to keep their cake and eat it too.  

I never betrayed his trust, I never asked him to leave her (well once, but I was drunk and we were kissing under the Eiffel Tower so my defenses and sensibilities were lowered.) I showed up whenever he asked even though he could rarely show up for me.  He told me I brought him back to life and I foolishly believed him.  Am I usually this gullible? Maybe, I will have to think on it.

So what became of the only man I would ever have married?  He left me for another woman. Not his wife of course, just a person we both knew. Shocking, I know.  It took me four months to figure out he was seeing another (third) person and then it all blew up.  Mostly in my face.  
Some of you probably think I deserved it, and maybe I did - but that heartbreak put me down for two years.  Had he returned to his family instead of leaving me to start a new affair I would have been ok.  I even expected that to be how things would end.  But that wasn't the case and I had closed my eyes to the idea that he would/could ever do something like that to me.  I suppose karma was served. 

I am sure disclosing this publicly will make some people judge me even more than usual but this is my place to work through my messiness.  You don't have to stay - I actually never invited you in. Your welcome to come here anytime, but you may not like what you hear.

xoks

“What is done out of Love is beyond Good and Evil” (I call shenanigans)
― Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

About six months ago I thought I would start to date again.  Or at least try.  So I joined a dating site, set up a nice profile and waited to see what would happen.  Within a few days I received a few dozen messages.  Most of the men didn't interest me but one caught my eye.

He was a doctor and a Ph.D.  He worked for a start-up and made good money. He was 6-4 and had a South African accent (swoon).  So I started a conversation with him.  He was a bit shy at first but slowly opened up.  Turned out he was into a lot of the same things I am but he was also very aggressive about sexting.  Now I don't necessarily have an issue with that except I didn't know this guy at all and I thought it was a little odd to start off on that foot.  Isn't sexting for people who know each other a bit and want to be sexy/flirty with one another?  At least that is what I have always thought.

I finally told him to go away.  I wasn't interested in the games he was playing and if he didn't actually want to meet me and see if there really was some sort of chemistry he needed to leave me be.  He was quiet for about two weeks then he asked if we could meet.

When he showed up he was disheveled but cute.  We had dinner together and I figured out pretty quickly he wasn't attracted to me.  No big deal.  

The next day we exchanged a few texts agreeing that there wasn't a connection and we discussed being friends.  I never heard from him again...until tonight.

About 15 minutes ago my phone started vibrating.  It was a video chat request from "Adam".  I have a few friends named Adam but I am really close to my sleepy time and, to be honest, sans make-up, so I declined.  Then it showed me it was the DOC.  I sent him a message asking him why he was contacting me.  His answer..."I am horny."  I reminded him he wasn't interested in me, asked him if he was drunk and then told him that he was rude and he needed to fuck off.  Then I blocked him.

What in the world is wrong with people?  I am not here to fucking amuse you.  I am not here just because you have some "need" you need taken care of and you think I am here for you to use.  People can be really awful sometimes.  Just reminds me why I don't date.

xoks