It has been over a month since I boarded the plane in Vegas, a complete shell of a person, sobbing into my shredded napkin and hoping the plane would crash (fucked up for my fellow travelers, I know.) Today is exactly four weeks since I had my first KIT. I have not cried, much less sobbed for 4 hours without a definable reason. I have been sleeping deeply and waking up feeling refreshed. I even sat through Sedar dinner without a single sip of wine. Major accomplishment for a girl who loves her wine.
Today in therapy we discussed what now? It is the first time in my adult life that I have been depression free. I am not entangled with any man, I am choosing not to drink alcohol, do any drugs or drink caffeine after noon (I play a little loose with the last one). I don't have a drinking/drugging issue, I am choosing to keep my mind and body free of any chemicals so I can continue to check in with myself and my progress. I do struggle in the man department so finally being free of any toxic dating feels empowering. However, the "what now" is lingering with me. I haven't really thought about my future because, so often, I didn't know if I would have one. Now, aside from my natural expiration date, I finally feel like I do.
I have a blank canvas that I need to start painting. Five-year plan? Is that what normal people do? Shorter or longer? Change my career (unlikely) or my location? Start martial arts, quit smoking (again, unlikely) adopt a puppy? I don't know yet, but I do know it feels brilliant to know that the options are almost limitless and I will no longer be in my way.
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