Today is one week since I completed my treatments. To be honest, I have fallen asleep each night afraid of waking up to find it was a temporary "fix". Imaging I would roll over in the morning with a deep ache in my heart and a tied up stomach. That hasn't been the case. Each morning has felt great. Granted, I didn't turn into a "morning" person, I still hit my snooze button a dozen times, but once I shake off the fog of a great nights sleep I feel solid. I feel wonderful.
I haven't cried since March 14th. Don't take that the wrong way, I think crying is a healthy, healing process that is perfectly normal. However, I wasn't just crying; I was sobbing uncontrollably, for no reason, for hours on end. I had no trigger, or warning, or understanding of why it was happening. It would just come on whenever it felt like it and leave me curled up in a ball with an obnoxious headache. It wasn't comforting. It didn't relieve me of any pain, and I knew it would happen again and again. I just never knew when.
To be free of my pain and anxiety makes every day worth getting out of bed. It doesn't matter if I haven't been able to make a million social calls; I feel a little like a foal, trying to get my legs to work after being born. That might sound a little (or a lot) silly but it's accurate. I am slowing learning what life is like without major depression. What it feels like to enjoy just being in my skin. As I move forward, I hope to find a woman who enjoys running amok with my family and friends. Who seeks out new adventures and rebuilds relationships with those who have always been there for me but have had to stand a bit aside feeling helpless to make things better for me. To those who didn't give up on me, thank you. I am forever grateful for your love and support.
xoks
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