Please excuse the profanity

OK, let me tell you a little story. It begins when I decide to tell my ex-boyfriend that we can no longer be friends because he has been dishonest. No big deal, happens all the time. We go our own ways. Again, no big deal, he lives in Texas and I live in California. This event happens in January of this year. Now, I have a website, as you all know (heh). I also have something called webstats, which monitors who has been visiting my webpage by IP address. During the month of January (well actually from January 22 to January 31) my ex visits my website 23 times. OK so he likes to check in on me, cool. February comes and from February 1 to February 14 he visits my site another 40 plus times, ok a little over the top. On Valentines day I decide that I have been missing him and want to say hello, so I jump online and say hi. He tells me that he is immensely pleased to hear from me but is also wary. I can understand this, because I feel the same way. I don’t really have a lot of faith in our friendship, but I miss him so I figure what the hell. I put myself out there (again) to see if we can make a go at being friends. On top of all of this, I miss his son. I want to be a part of his sons life, so I am willing to try to work things through for the opportunity to remain in his sons life.

So now, I have a posting from February 13th. Please take a moment to read it. On February 15th I notice that my ex has posted a comment to my site. The comment WAS:

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all nightlong
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow tall?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!

OK, so I thought this was cute and silly and a nice way to show he was interested in being friends again. This being the case, I decide that it will be ok to read his site again. I hadn’t read his site in almost a month so there was a lot to read. Somewhere after the 15th of February was a “poem” or a stream of consciousness that, when I read it, struck me. My first thought was, “this has nothing to do with me, and if I think it does then I have an ego problem.” But then I read it again, and I thought “this is about me.” Then I read it again and I thought “he wrote this as if he WAS me.” It was a pretty insulting piece. It made me look pretty sad and pathetic. So I asked my sister and best-friend to read it and tell me what they thought. Both of them were pretty upset with the piece. They thought it fucked up to post something so personal about me in a public place. I felt the same, but I didn’t really want to react. I just kinda sat with it. I did discuss the piece with my ex, who told me it was an exercise in writing and that in writing the piece he had brought himself to tears. I told him in reading the piece it had brought me to tears as well, but for different reasons. I felt very hurt about this posting but again, I let it go. I am no sure if it was the next day or the day after but my ex IMed me to tell me my best friend had sent him a comment on his site. I was surprised, and KNEW it was prolly not a good one. He sent me the post and I said that I guessed she didn’t like his poem and he agreed. We pretty much dropped it there. Later my best friend called me to tell me that he had posted a reply to her comment. It was at this moment that I wanted out of it. I told her I was not reading his site anymore because it was a little upsetting to me since the poem posted and so she told me his reply. I was VERY sure then that I was not going to read anymore. My understanding is that she and my ex went a few rounds about her thoughts and his thoughts, but I didn’t want to hear about it, it was making my stomach hurt. She was cool about it, said it was her business and she felt the need to let him know what she felt about him. Fine, it wasn’t my business anymore. I knew it was going to go badly, but I never figured it would go SO badly. My best friend told me her honesty REALLY pissed my ex off. OK, so I am worried about his feelings, I admit it. Then she tells me that he is saying that she has been mislead, that she has not got all the correct information. And I start to think “she doesn’t have any real solid information, we don’t talk about most of the mean things my ex has done cause I spent the last year covering up for his behavior.” And yet, he is assuming that the way my best friend feels about him is MY fault. Talk about denial. My best friend (along with most of the people in this area) never liked him. They tolerated him because I thought I was in love with him and they wanted me to be happy. Friends do this. They also pay attention to what is in front of their face (unlike some people) and they took in most of the lame details of my rocky relationship with my ex. But the story gets worse.

So one day, while all this is happening, I notice a comment posted on the same blog as the one my ex commented on. I look at the comment and it reads:

“WhatIf you crawl back into the hole you came from?” or something to that effect. Additionally, the return email address was _______sucks@hisdomain.com. When I went to click on the return address it sent me to a version of my exes website that had been transformed into Ebonics (kinda). Now, this, I will admit, made me laugh, but I really thought nothing of it. It was an anonymous posting, not a very nice one, but people do that shit all the time. I have never removed a comment so I figured I wasn’t going to change my policy now. Not over this. It seemed silly and unimportant. Now here is where it gets really fucked up. On Saturday I go to look at my webstats. The program is off. Odd, I think. I turn it back on (at this point, just so you know, it is February 22 and my ex has been on my site 60 times since the first of February) and email my host and ask them what happened. On Sunday I am chatting with a friend. This friend asks me what happened to the comments posted on February 13? I tell this friend I have no idea what they are talking about and go look. Sure enough, the comments are gone. Along with a few others. I start to get freaked out. I sign into my journal and decide to check the history. There is an IP address there that is not mine. I trace the IP address and guess where it leads me? You got it, my exes home in Texas. So the man has BROKEN into my journal and altered it, as well as BROKEN into my website and turned off my webstats. Un-fucking-believable. This is a man who prides himself on his honesty and integrity. Then he has the nerve to break into my PERSONAL business and change it to suit himself. Let me say this, when I asked all my geek friends what they would do if someone did that to them, here is a list of answers I received:

A. I would kick his ass
B. I would turn him into the authorities
C. I would hunt him down and hurt him
D. I would mess with him so hard

I didn’t want to take any of the above actions. I just wanted to know why someone who claimed to be so honest and kind would do something as low as BREAK INTO my site and mess with it. I was so hurt and angry by this that I lost it. I really did. I cried for over an hour. The betrayal, the lack of integrity, and just the plain old meanness of it all broke my heart. I would never, ever do something like this to anyone. I trusted my ex, with all of my heart. He took my trust and betrayed me. End of story. Long friendship ended.

You ask if it hurts? Hell yes it hurts. He WAS so very important to me, but he has taken that all away, killed any feelings I had for him by this final act of betrayal. It was more than I could take.

No kisses tonight.

A little joke from Pea

A woman goes shopping in a grocery store. She gets up to the checkout and places her items on the counter. The checker looks at the items the woman has, looks at the woman and says:

"You are single, aren't you?"

The woman replies:

"Why yes I am, how did you know?"

The checker says:

"Cause you are ugly."

LOL, I know, I know.

Kisses

Tongue tied and twisted are all my memories

With one more look at you
I could learn to tame the clouds
And let the sun shine through
Leave a troubled past and I might start anew
I'll solve the mysteries if you're the prize
Refresh these tired eyes
With one more look at you
I might overcome the anger
That I learned to know
Find a piece of mind I lost so long ago
Your gentle touch has made me strong again
And I belong again
For when you look at me
I'm everything and more that I had dreamed I'd be
My spirit feels a promise
I won't be alone
We'll love and live more
Love and live forever
With one more look at you
I'd learn to change the stars
And change our fortunes too
I'd have the constellations paint your portrait too
So all the world might share this wonderful sight
The world could end each night
With one more look at you
With one more look at you
I want one more look at you

Kisses

Love from a Friend

Some one sent me this, a very kind soul:

Just for today -
Let me love you unconditionally, see your perfection, and share with you the wonder of my vision. Let me help you create a safe space for you to fully manifest the unconditionally loving being you truly are.

Just for today -
Let me mirror your love, respect, passion, understanding, trust, humor, patience, and compassion. Let me show you the magic I see in you. Let me give you my time, my respect, my love. Let me honor your being.

Just for today -
Let me remember that our primary purpose is to manifest love - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is all we can really be, and to recreate that love is fore play. Let me touch your body lovingly and reverently. Let me please you physically as we bond emotionally and spiritually. Let me enjoy the incredible expression of our sensuality.

Just for today -
Let me be present for you when you need someone to hear what you have to say - about your feelings, your ideas, or your dreams. Let me learn to trust again and to teach you that you can trust me.

Just for today -
Let me be a part of your growth and be a part of mine. Let me stay present with you while we find resolutions to miscommunications or disagreements. Let me hear your dreams and let me tell you mine.

Just for today -
Let me dream of the time we can sit together and reflect back on the days we shared, and the magic and wonder of that sharing that fills a lifetime.

Just for today -

Reiki

Kisses, and thank you

Ah, Kettle Chips. The perfect side dish...for revenge!

Let me just say, when your roomie walks into your room, hands you a lovely glass of wine, and lights a cig for you...life is sweet.

I am finally getting over whatever sickness I was struck with this week. I figure by tomorrow I will be all good. I was super careful not to do anything that would further my illness. I hate being sick.

I find I am struggling with letting go. It is interesting because I am usually pretty good at this, but lately I feel as though there is something in the way of me moving on. I really need to focus on this so I can get on with my life and stop sitting around wondering "what if". What if's are bad for you, they drain you and they keep you from growing. I am getting rid of the What If's if it kills me.

Another interesting note: A woman I have NO interest in having in my life reached out to me today. I don't get it. She was lousy to me, dishonest and manipulative, and yet she thinks I would want to know her. People are a trip. How they can not see how fucked up they are amazes me. I know most of my faults, I really have worked hard in therapy to work through them or learn to accept them, but I am constantly running into whack jobs who want to be a part of my life. That is not to say that I myself am not a whack job, it is just I don't feel the need to cuddle up with every other whack job I meet and impose my whackiness on them.

I figured out today I need to buy a SmartMedia card thingy to put the pictures on my laptop, thereby delivering them to you. People have been asking for updates (OK one person really) and I have 111 pictures on my digital camera just screaming to be somewhere else. I have tons of pictures from Christmas (both here and SD) and pictures from New Years and pictures of my new house. All of which I will be sharing by the end of the weekend, I swear.

OK, now that I am full of Matza Ball Soup (sing it with me, memories...) and good wine, I am gonna sleep.

Kisses

Vodka of the Gods

For a long time, i was in love
Not only in love, i was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, i'm covered in shells

And all i wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all in needed was a simple man
So i could be a wife

I'm so ashamed i've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along i'm hunting you down

Like a sick domestic abuser looking
For a fight
And all i wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would i try to make you mine?

I always thought i'd be a mom
Sometimes i wish for a mistake
The longer that i wait the more selfish that i get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

Now all those simple things are simply too
Complicated for my life
How'd i get so faithful to my freedom?

A selfish kinda of life
When all i ever wated was the simple things

Simple Kinda Life - No Doubt

Kisses

Princess Ali

Damn. Boxing is hard core. I went to my class on Sunday, spent an hour punching the bag and jumping rope. I was so tired when I was done, but also full of adrenaline. After class I went to Mari's to hang out and chat. She is such a love, I really enjoy my time with her.

Had dinner at my dads Sunday night. A really nice time. Ate too much, laughed a lot, went home around 8. Then BAM. I was sick. I passed out around 10, woke the next morning at 10, fell back asleep at 11, woke up at 7 at night, fell back asleep by 9 or so and woke up this morning at 10. Not only did I have a fever but I had malaria nightmares all night (and day). I had so many dreams they all ran into each other and I can not even begin to get into them here. On top of it all, I was so sore I barely could raise my arms. I feel much better today.

Talked to my ex the other day. We are going to the museum on Thursday to see a Van Gough exhibit. I am really looking forward to spending time with him, it has been too long.

Kisses

Down with my sickness

I am such a masochist. After being faithful to myself and not reading journals for almost a month I had to go and torture myself. A little catch up reading and now I know more of the truth than I ever needed to. God it is painful to realize how little I was cared for, how easy it is to dismiss me as being the one with all the problems, the one who caused this terrible mess. I hate that I love as deeply as I do. That I fall for men who are a mess, with nothing to give and so much energy to take because they have been stripped by their last love. I should have known this last time. I should have seen the outcome long before it happened. I should, I should, I should...but I didn't.

I was looking at pics of us, seeing this love only I imagined. Not realizing early on that I was alone there. There isn't one person in our lives that didn't see what we shared, except him, and thats all that really mattered. It amuses me that several friends have told me that if I have any desire to know him again I should contact them first and they will keep me "safe". Safe would have been never knowing him, never touching him and certainly never loving him, so I guess safe is outta the question.

I thought he could love me more than anyone he had ever met, that is certainly how I felt about him, but there are too many other women to fancy, too many other wounds to heal, way too much time needed and I came to him at the wrong moment, although maybe there would never be a good time for him.

Just a little sadness going a long ways.

Kisses

Just for Lyn, oh and Eli

It has been a very busy week. I am a tired Princess. So where to start...

Last night I went out with the girls, Livia, Marianne, and Carmen. We went to a wonderful Tapas bar in the mission. The food and drinks were awesome. We had Pomegranate Margaritas and Mojitos. So yummy. We then meandered across the street to Blondie’s Bar and No Grill. It is a small bar and dance club. The DJ played funk and the dance floor was packed. We had a really good time. Interesting crowd, very mixed ethnically, and VERY young. I realized that I am not as tolerant of “kids” as I used to be. I am thinking that my year hiatus spent playing family left me with a kinda longing to relax at home on Friday night with someone I love and a good movie. I can’t help missing that. Don’t get me wrong, hanging out with a group of amazing woman rules, but I just loved it when “my kid” came running in, crawled on the couch between us, and we all snuggled down together. It was soothing. I miss that kid.

The rest of the week was really nice too. I had a wonderful talk with a friend who is too far away. She is a lovely person, who gives great advice and has my back. I just wished we weren’t so far away from one another. I am thinking I need a week to hang out in her beautiful home, eating her wonderful cooking, drink some wine and maybe even go on another boat ride (this time I swear I will get in the water). So to you girlie, I miss you!

I spent a couple of days just out and about with Carmen this week. On Thursday I went to school with her (she had only one class) and then we went to Berkeley to go to the library to do some research on a paper she has due on Monday. UC Berkeley is really beautiful. We got some coffee and walked all over campus. In between library visits (there was the Psychology Library where I looked up relationship dysfunction, heh, and the Anthropology Library, where I did actual research) we shopped (I am sure you are all shocked). Spending money when you have none is so devious. I just love it. Bad Princess.

My brother has returned from Oregon. He is living with my mom, sorta. I think since he has been home, maybe a week and a half, she has kicked him out twice. My brother is 19, he is beautiful, smart, loving and totally irresponsible. He is stuck on this girl (we have all been there) who is really bad for him and it just makes it worse. On Tuesday my mom called me and told me that she needed my help to talk to him. He had yelled at her and stormed out of the house in a fit of hysteria. I agreed to come over and try to help. I got over to my sisters at around 5:30 and called my brother over. We talked for a good hour, discussing depression, love, anger, fear, growing up, being responsible and respectful, school, work, life options. I don’t know if I truly got through to him, he nodded in all the right places, he responded as if he was hearing me, but who knows. I remember being 19, and I don’t think anyone could have told me anything I didn’t think I already knew. Such is growing up eh? We all sat down to dinner together, Alicia, Justin, Jordan, Austin, Madison, Hayden and I. This is a rare thing, and I really enjoyed it. After that Alicia, Justin, and I watched Buffy. MMMM hot Willow on Kennedy action. Damn!

I got a call on a job on Thursday. I am really excited about the prospect of working again. I should be interviewing a week from Monday. I will keep you updated.

With that said, I hope I have satiated your voracious appetite to know all about my life, heh. OK people, I was just kidding.

Kisses

Purge, Purge, Purge

Ewww, gross title...


OK, so I worked trades show this weekend. It was NADA, National Automobile sumptin Association. It was really cool. We (Mary, Livia, and I) saw all sorts of beautiful concept cars, met all sorts of cool people, and made a few bucks. All in all, a fun experience. Only downside, the concept cars will never be made, which sucks, cause I fell in love with a Chrysler, believe it or not.

I have been having weird dreams. Last night I dreamt about big rigs and my Texan ex sending me a gift package. In the package was a bunch of weird little things, but there was also a book, one I have been looking for and just found recently. I have been reading this new vampire series. The first was Crimson Kiss, the second was Crimson Night and the one I just found is Crimson Shadows. So in my dream he had sent me Crimson Shadows, even though he could not possibly have known I was looking for it. Of course that struck me as odd, cause it meant that somehow we were still connected, even though we weren’t communicating. It made me realize that even though him and I are not close anymore, we will prolly always be connected on some other level. That happens to me with certain people. Spooky.

Strega is screaming at me to pet her, brat. Now she just bit me, bigger brat.

Kisses

Anger Management

Damn me, I just can't stay mad. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I just can't do it. It always turns to sadness and then regret, and then sadness again. God I am such a sucker. I know in my heart how bad anger is for you, but I just want to be able to hold on to it until I am READY for it to go. Alas, that ain't me, so I will just have to live with sadness till I am ready to let THAT go...

Next...

I went with Paulie and Carmen to see Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Let me tell you, this movie rocked. I was totally caught up in it. I am ready to run out and buy the book now because the story really engaged me. I highly recommend it, in a surreal way.

And Another...

My house is entirely unpacked! I am so excited, I put the living room together and we are ready to have a big old house warming any day now. When, I can't even begin to guess, but soon.

Will She Ever Shut Up...

So I was talking to my friend the other night, about how I haven't been on a real date in like 10 years. 10 YEARS PEOPLE! Ouch. What is wrong with me? Am I not date worthy? Am I just some girl you think "I should move in there with that brunette (I am now a brunette) down there at the other end of the bar. Skip all the romance, forget about giving her flowers, and I certainly don't want to take her to a movie or anything....Oh, what was I talking about?" Cause that's what it looks like to me. They come in, take and take, and forget to give back. It sucks, it really does. Now I know I am being whiney, and my longest love bought me tons of things; jewelry, clothes, dinners, trips, so on. He was very generous with me as I was with him. But the last one...well, he didn't seem to think I was worth the effort. Now, I am just being a brat, but here it is, the last guy I dated, I gave him tons of gifts, and he was very grateful and that made me feel good, but I hit a wall with it this last X-Mas when I not only paid for a gift for him (which he never paid me back for) but was told that he had bought himself a few very expensive toys before he moved and he couldn't even be bothered getting me a card for the holidays. It really hurt my feelings. I kinda thought I would get this inexpensive ring from him that I wanted (it costs about $20) because he elluded to it once, but I was given nothing, as I should have expected. I know, poor, poor Princess. But this really isnt about the "gifts" it really is about the thought, and I am tired of people not thinking about my feelings.

OK, so now that you all think I am spoiled...


I guess I like it when we play (the way you drag me down)
I guess I like it when you hate me (the way you drag me down)
But I can't face myself in a mirror (I'm left alone with all my pain)
But I can't face myself in the mirror (I'm left alone with all my shame)

Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I'll heal you in me

I guess I like it when we fight (the way you drag me down)
I guess I like it when you smite me (the way you drag me down)
But I can't face myself in a mirror (I'm left alone with all my pain)
But I can't face myself in the mirror (I'm left alone with all my shame)

Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I'll heal you in me
You're out of luck can't get a piece of me
It's all blown up don't ever fuck with me
I cannot please you all forever
I cannot please you at all
(I can feel you up behind me)

Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I'll heal you in me
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I'll heal you in me

Seether - Fuck It!

Kisses

Wireless Bitch

That’s right, I am wireless and functional. It took like ten of us online to make it work, and in the end, I fixed it all by myself, but it is working. It is everything they said it would be!

Things are really great for me. I thought that "cleaning house" would make me miserable, but I am so much happier. I wake up feeling happy; I fall asleep feeling happy. I feel free, I can't really explain it any better. I am no longer bound to someone who uses me. There is no one left in my life that takes advantage of me and it feels wonderful. Who knew that waking up to who someone really is (everyone told me but I couldn't see it for myself) could be so amazing? There is only one down side, but I am figuring it out.

So it looks like I have a great contracting gig coming into play. A medical office needs an HR person to fix things up for them and they are willing to pay handsomely. How cool would that be? My mom and step-mom are talking about helping me set up my own consulting business. I know it is something I could do, something I would be great at, and I am all into it. I am working on the business plan this week.

Strega now takes it upon herself to sit on me while I try to type, silly girl. She bites and licks me, and meows her way into my heart, brat. She still fights with the rest of the clan but she is doing ok here, she is a tough broad.

All the kids seem to love it here. We (Lura and I) have decided that we are the 7 dwarves:

Kim: Sneezy (my allergies are making me crazy)
Lura: Sleepy (duh!)
Strega: Bashful (she lives only in my room, I have to take her to her food 2x a day)
Mallory: Happy (heh, he is ya know)
Max: Dopey (I think you all know)
Mickey: Doc (he gets sick all the time)
Kaliah: Grumpy (have you met her?)

Now all we need is Snow White, we are thinking a puppy?? Heh, like we need one more living thing in this house.

Speaking of, it is almost done. A few really minor details and our home is complete. I am thrilled. As soon as everything is put away I will take photos and post them. In case anyone wants to see them, which they prolly don't but too bad, heh.

Things are really going along well. I have been processing my decisions and changes with friends and family and everyone agrees that I am on the right path. Of course, I got a lot of "I told you so's", but that’s ok, they did so they can say it...

Kisses

Should have done this a long time ago!

Well I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff
Time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out in shame

After all of the using and lying
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter


Never saw it coming
All of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard you're going around
Playing the victim now
But don't even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
'Cause your wanting to haunt me
But that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to know the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You Won't Stop Me

I am a fighter
I ain't gonna stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough

I suck at this!

I have a hard time keeping this thing up. I am really busy, crazy, tired, sick, and apparently, full of complaints. This week has been a rough one. Working things out with friends, having my ex have a birthday that I can not be included in, no job, no sex, no DSL in my bedroom. God I sound pathetic. Let me try to bring this one up.

I received a call on a job. I will be calling them in the AM to find out the details. It is great to hear from people and know that my resume is being read. I will fill you in on the details later.

Tomorrow I go get my eyes checked. I am gonna look at new frames. I love the ones I wear now, but I also love change so we will see what I come up with.

My home is coming along. I think the guys will be done within another week. Most of the work is complete and I have finally been able to unpack most of the boxes. I figure there is another few days of work and I will have completed the cosmetic things around here. It is looking great. I had five women over last night for dinner and games. How cool is that? We all were able to be in the kitchen at the same time, cooking together and making fun and generally being silly. It was really great. We played Rummicube until 11 and then I sent everyone home. We have decided that we will have a slumber party once Lura and I are settled and walk over to Trader Sam's for scorpions. Drunken times ahead.

My roommate is in love. It is so sweet. I never see her anymore but that’s ok, I understand how new love is. He will finally be staying the weekend with us (she is usually at his house in Vacaville) so all of the girls will get to meet him. Hopefully they will all play nice and not scare him away...Hopefully.

Speaking of love...I am finally beginning to understand how this works. You fall in love with whomever you fall in love with. Even if they do not fall in love with you, that wont stop your heart. It makes up its own mind, and you are stuck with it. So today I am at Mary's watching TV while her and Carmen study for the GRE's and Mary has some wedding show on. I am watching, listening to the couples all happy and in love, and I start crying. Silly Princess. But I can't seem to help myself. I wonder if anyone will ever love me the way these couples love one another. It makes me sad that I always seem to fall harder than my partners, but maybe that’s just who I am and what it will be for me. I can't imagine anyone feeling like I do about them about me (I hope that made sense.) I suppose the thing to do now in my life is just focus on me, how to feel better, be stronger, and move forward.

Kisses

Tell Me it Gets Better

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, I know, I know, I am late, but I have been busy.

Christmas Rocked. I spent Christmas Eve with Mom, Alicia, Justin, Austin, Madison, Hayden, Elaine, Wanda, Ed, Elaine, Nikki, and Wanda’s sister and nephews. That group exchanged gifts after dinner. Carmen joined me around 10PM and we were asleep (way too much food) by midnight.

Around 7 AM the next morning mom had us up and over at my sister Alicia’s house for Santa. The house was bustling with excitement. We exchanged gifts, ate breakfast and had a great time. That morning we went to see Lord of the Rings, the Two Towers. Amazing movie. Well worth giving up my naptime, which I promptly took after the movie.

When I woke up Carmen was leaving to her moms and I had to hustle to Kerri and Suzanne’s for dinner. Summer, Christian, Annabella, Alicia, Justin, Austin, Madison, Toni, Hayden, Kerri, Suzanne, Chris, Nancy and myself all hung out to eat yummy food Kerri had cooked. Dinner was great, company was great, it was the end of a really good holiday, or so I thought.

The next morning I went to San Diego to visit Andrew and Jennifer, Sandy and Frank, Eric and Lyn, and surprise, surprise, Doug too. It was so nice to see his face when I got off the plane. He hugged me and I almost started to cry. I hate being away from him. He makes me feel so safe, I just wanted him to hug me forever. We spent the day shopping with Ms. Jennifer, my little Princess in Training. She is so wonderful; wish I could see her everyday. That night we went to see Grandpa Bud and Grandma Berry. We had dinner there and laughed and took pictures. I got to meet more of the family; they all took to me, as Doug’s family tends to do. We had a really nice evening, everyone assuming Doug and I are a couple, us correcting them all the time. It is funny how people see us. Funnier how we can’t see ourselves.

The next day we went to meet Andrew at the mall. It was a surprise for him to see me. He was thrilled and I almost started to cry. I can’t express how much I miss him. He is such a light in my heart. I wish they had never left. Alas they did, and I need to learn to let go. How? I don’t know, I just know I have to.

It was so hard to leave. I cried when I got on the plane. I did not want to leave them. I started to think I had made a mistake going, seeing them, being close with them again, then I realized it was a nice reprieve from my sadness here and they wanted to be with me. I needed them and I wish I could spend the rest of my life that close and safe with them, but who knows how it will all play out.

New Years was OK. I loved being with Carmen and Mari but the night got weird and I went home around 12:30. I climbed in bed and shut out the world. The next day I went to my dads’ house with my sister and her family. We had a great meal, and exchanged more gifts and so on.

That ends my holiday rant. It was great. But last year, well that was the best I have ever had. Things change.

That being said, I think the New Year has brought on a depression I am unfamiliar with. I no longer feel safe anywhere. I can not seem to stay happy for very long. I am tired all the time. Being out of work is not helping. I feel isolated and angry. I tried to talk to my friend about it tonight, but it didn’t help much. In fact it merely added to my feeling of being alone. I have been in love with this person for over a year. I thought that with time to heal he would find his feelings for me are the same, but once again, I am reminded that I am missing something which makes me worthy of a relationship with someone I adore. I am not sure what is wrong with me, I just know that I am not enough, in so many ways, as to be deemed worthy of being someone’s partner. It is kinda the story of my life. I was with my last love for seven years, and no matter what I did, it was never enough. I know it sounds pathetic, but it is also true.

Just take that spotlight off of me
It’s much too bright, I can not see
And once again, again I’m shown,
Where there is love I am alone.
Won’t someone just take care of me?

Now people ask where have I been?
My answer short, I’ve been within
And if their eyes just turn away
I know it’s none but words to them
Won’t someone just take care of me?

It is time for some drastic steps, I am just not sure in what direction…

Apocalypse NOW

What a great evening. Paulie and I went to dinner together. The first time in years it has just been him and I. We met at his house and then went to Q for dinner. We talked for about two hours before I dragged him back to the Hayseed House to watch Buffy on TIVO. His eyes did not bleed, and he actually laughed a little. Mostly when people were slapping other people, which makes me wonder what kind of pr()n Paulie is into...

Carmen has been gone since Saturday and I miss her something awful. Mary has been an awesome companion and I love her dearly for holding my hand this first week back in SF. She is so much fun to be around and such a love. I am glad we have finally become better friends.

Our house is still a mess. We have no kitchen, and only a partial bathroom. So everything is still packed and I am starting to get annoyed. I can't use my new living room or dining room and the fridge is still in the hallway (which is better than Lura’s bedroom, where it started out.) The guy who is working on our place is really nice, but it is supposed to be done already and it is looking like it may be another couple of weeks. I am thinking this may be illegal so let the complaining begin.

Kisses

Alls Well That Ends Well

So we are in, sorta. The place is a mess. We have no kitchen, no bathroom sink, and our fridge is in the dining room...we will survive, but I sure wish they would hustle.

My ex came over today. It is the first time I have seen him in seven months. He came over to help take care of me, I have a bad fever, but we ended up, ummm, fooling around a bit. Not the smartest thing I have ever done, but it was nice. I do miss him. He is still lovely, sexy, funny, and pretty damn hot. We should be focusing on our friendship, but the chemistry is intense.

I took Carmen to the airport on Saturday morning at 5:00 AM. We went to bed at 2:30, got up at 4:15, I am a wreck. I think it is why I am so sick. I was already walking the recovery line, I blew it. I was supposed to see Peter Gabriel tonight, my fever kept me in bed instead. Lame, I was really excited about that show.

I have to go back to Oakland tomorrow to clear out any sign that we were ever there. I don't feel well and I don't want to do it, just being honest, I have no desire to drive over, load up my car and clean the house, then drive back and put it all away. I just wanna be done and focusing on the new place. Gotta be an adult I suppose, but sometimes it sucks.

Kisses

Movin' on up

Tomorrow is the big day. Lura and I will be moving back to San Francisco first thing in the morning. It has been six years since I moved to the East Bay, I think I am ready to be in SF again. Let's hope I am right.

Our phone and DSL will not be installed until 12/13 so it will be a few days. My cell is always a good way to reach me, so feel free to call. Just remember, if you call and you are local, you may be asked to come help...heh.

I have been working through alot of things lately. Trying to clean up a mess I made, trying to let people know I love them and am here for them, but it is really hard. I know I can only do so much but I never feel like it is enough. Maybe it is just me and I need to relax a little, but thats' not the feeling I get.

Recently I found out that someone I love lied to me. It hurt me quite a bit to find out about this persons dishonesty, but it also made me think. I trusted this person without fail. I believed in this persons integrity, and they were not true. I need to be careful with whom I put my trust in. People will say almost anything to avoid conflict, even something that is untrue. So I have decided that, for the meantime, I will not put myself out there to be lied to. If you have been dishonest with me once, I am sure you will do it again, so why bother.

I don't mean to sound bitter, I am just tired of doing everything for everyone else and not being true to myself. Things have got to change, and it starts with me.

Kisses

Get Your Cotton Candy Here

So I took Pea to Cirque du Soleil today. OMG, that is one of the most amazing shows on the planet. There were acrobats, singers, comedians, jugglers, and on and on. We ohhh and awed our way through the show, clapping till our hands hurt. I suggest everyone go see this if they can.

I spent last night with Mary, Carmen, Neil, Paul, Katie, Zoey, and Emmit (he came late and moved a few boxes) packing my house up. I can not thank them enough for helping me out. We would never have been ready on time to move on Wednesday if they hadn't offered to help us. They worked so hard, and I paid them with just some pizza and cokes, good people I tell ya.

Lura and I took a side trip to Ikea. I picked up a TV stand for my room and a few shelving units. Now all we need are a few bookcases and some bathroom storage thingy's and we should be complete. I am really excited to be moving back to San Francisco. Our home will be warm and cozy, and all of you are welcome to come on over, anytime.

Kisses

Tolerance For Intolerance

I have been a bad girl. No postings in over a week. Been kinda busy, and a little lazy I guess. Lura and I are moving on Wednesday, so there is a ton of things that need to be done. Our house is such a wreck it is hard to want to be home. I look around and it makes me tired. Everything is falling apart since we are in such disarray and as a Virgo, it is making me a little crazy. I am so overwhelmed at the moment, I just want to curl up in bed and ignore it all. BUT instead, I think I will plan it all out and get moving when I am done here.

I have been sick for a couple of weeks now. I can't seem to kick this achy feeling in my body, which isn't helping me to do the things I need to do. I need to find work is what I need to do. I am going stir crazy at this point. I have had a few good phone interviews, but nothing's biting so far. I have decided that once I move, all I am going to do is look. I will work retail for now if need be, unemployment isn't cutting it. Next Friday I am meeting with an agency that places people with law firms. The position I am applying for pays between $100-$150k a year. I nearly choked when she told me. It is a really senior position with the firm, something I could really dig. Not just the senior title and the huge pay, but the law firm in general, seeing as how I would like to go to law school at some point. I will not get my hopes up, but I will wow them if given the chance.

So I was at a bar with friends last night. The Shannon Arms (duh) after a nice Indian dinner with Carmen, Livia, Mary, and Emmit. Emmit's folks own the Shannon so it is the place to go, smoke, drink tea (they are from Ireland, there is ALWAYS tea brewing) and just fuck around with friends. Paul Alaga, Neil, Kelly and Jarred joined us. Kelly and Paul are a new item, so they were in their own world, Jarred has the hots for Livia, so they were pretty focused, Emmit was sorta working, so he was off doing his thing, which left Mary, Carmen, Neil and I to talk. Neil is kind of a new comer for me. Carmen has hung out with him a bit, but I have talked to him maybe 3 or 4 times. He is 26 (way too young for me), Irish-American, and really really cute. He kinda knocked me to the floor when I first saw him. But him being 26 meant he wasn't someone I would even consider for anything more than a buddy. My days of being with youngin's is over. Anyway, Carmen likes Neil, which is another reason not to be bothered, and if I am seeing things correctly, he likes Carmen. Cool. EXCEPT for this; Mary and I decided to play 20 questions with Neil last night, just to get to know something about him. We covered all the basics, name, age, birthplace, siblings, schooling, favorite color, worst habit (which he refused to tell me for most of the night, but finally admitted was chewing tobacco). Then we went into more personal questions, more in-depth family, love life kinda things. All is well, at one point Carmen tries to stop us, thinking he is uncomfortable, but he basically says he is enjoying himself cause no one ever asks him about him. Then, because we are on a tangent about sexual issues, I make the mistake of asking him how he feels about gay men. Being as how a huge population of my friends are gay males, I kinda throw it out there thinking he will say what most San Francisco natives say, "no big deal, I have gay friends, it's all good" when instead I am hit with "It is morally wrong, the bible says so." I am dumbstruck. I am not kidding. I think my jaw hit the floor and I might have gone ashen. Here I was, hanging with this guy I think is really smart and nice and funny, AND BAM, he throws this at us. So now I have to recover, but I look at Mary and she has "Kill Faster Pussycat" in her eyes. She is gonna let him have it, and I think, "nope, can't do that, flies with sugar Mary, not vinegar." So I jump in. I ask him if he has ever hung out with gay men, and he says he would not put himself in that kind of situation. Now keep in mind, he is continuing to be a kind person, he shows no malice in this discussion, he is even apologizing for his upbringing, but that is who he is, he says, so for me, I just can not get angry. He means it, he was raised Irish Catholic, everyone in his world feels like he does, and he knows nothing else. Still, I am me, so... we must have discussed this topic for an hour. I tire of trying to make him see what I believe to be RIGHT (heh), and let Carmen take over with an entirely different line of questioning, and I just sit back and relax. He had made the statement that more people in this world feel like he does, and the sad truth is, he is right. Most people hate one group or another, most people aren't color blind, most people do not mind their own business, but see it as their job to judge and place themselves above other people, I think mostly out of fear, but for whatever reason, they do it and I can not change the world. I can, however make a conscious decision to not participate in such hateful endeavors and to live my life with love in my heart, even for those that do not think the way I do. As far as Neil goes, he really is a nice kid, he was just raised with some unfortunate ideas (just my personal opinion mind you) and if I chose to be friends with him, perhaps I can open his world a little. We shall see.

That being said (in short hand, believe me) I drove Mary and Livia home. Mary told me she was proud and impressed with the way I conversed with Neil. She said she wanted to tear into him, but was really amazed at how I handled him. That made me feel good. Like I could have been a bitch, but I just needed to see what he was about. In the end, even when I do not like what I am hearing, I feel the need to explore these things. Just my nature I suppose.

Kisses

I lie awake
I’ve gone to ground
I’m watching porn
In my hotel dressing gown
Now I dream of you
But I still believe
There’s only enough for one in this
Lonely hotel suite

The journey’s long
And it feels so bad
I’m thinking back to the last day we had.
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I’ll be back with you
I’m nearly with you
I’m nearly with you

When I’m weak I draw strength from you
And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood
And when I’m down you breathe life over me
Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny

On a clear day
I’ll fly home to you
I’m bending time getting back to you
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I’ll be back with you
I’m nearly with you
I’m nearly with you

When I’m weak I draw strength from you
And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood
And when I’m down you breathe life over me
Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny

When I’m weak I draw strength from you
And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood
And when I’m down you breathe life over me
Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny

I’ll fly, I’ll fly home
I’ll fly home and I’ll fly home

•Zero 7 - Destiny