Doll Parts

Have you ever felt like a shiny new doll? They are so excited when they first get you. They play with you all the time; brush your hair, change your clothes, cuddle and sleep with you at night. Then one day they get a new doll. They place you on the shelf with all the other previous toys and move on. You gather dust, your hair becomes matted, your clothing starts to fade. Cracks begin on your porcelain face and hands. You become invisible. Something once dearly loved but now forgotten. 

But you never forget what it felt like to be adored. The thrill of the attention. The look on their face when they first see you. How they made you feel like the most special and unique thing they have ever held. 

It's all pretend my friends. Until you take yourself off the shelf, then things get real.

xoks

How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful

I made my decision today to go for my booster on Saturday. Making that decision brought me an immediate sense of peace. I know that KIT works. I know that the infusions bring me clarity, energy, and relief. I am looking forward to the awareness and comfort of feeling even more deeply grounded. 

I will always have triggers (I hate that word but it works) that can trip me up and send me in a downward direction emotionally. I am working with my amazing therapist on life changes and healthy emotional responses but I have 47 years of habits ingrained in me that will take some time to shift and having KIT to help me as I move through this process is life changing. 

To those still wondering, suffering, questioning...I believe there is a way to a happier life. Don't lose hope. We are in this together.

xoks

Strange Mercy

A few days downtime. Been a little rough since I made contact with my ex (brief and kind) which lead to a bit of a reclusive weekend. I know my triggers and try to avoid them but occasionally I fall down.

I am considering a KIT booster. It has been over a month since my 6th infusion and, while I still feel above water, I don't want to sink. My advocate maintains monthly treatments and it seems as though that helps keep her life balanced. I have read that many people do monthly infusions for the first three to six months post initial treatment and then move on to once a quarter or so. Some never top off and others keep a regular schedule. I am willing to test the waters on what will work best for me; it might be once a month, it might be less. As long as I continue to move forward I will do whatever it takes. 

xoks

Anger Is An Energy

Sometimes I am just an asshole.  

There are no take backs when you lash out at someone. It causes pain to both people and brings no relief. When I feel hurt, my emotional 15 year old rears its head and I don't stop to think about the overall impact of what I am doing. This isn't the path I want to walk. I needed to let sleeping dogs lay and continue to work on the person I want to be. I have a fresh start, a new lease on my adult life, and wasting it on short-sided anger and foot stomping feels lousy. 

I apologized but some words will always outweigh others.

xoks

The Night We Met

I have this crazy sixth sense of knowing when someone is going to reach out. Usually, it happens when I am falling asleep at night and the thought will pop into my mind, "you will wake up to a message from (fill in the blank) in the morning." Or "So and so will call you tomorrow." Nine times out of ten that is exactly what happens. 

Last night the thought came and went as I was nodding off. This morning I had two emails, same person, two different email accounts (the fourth time he has emailed me in a month). The content of (all) the emails was insignificant, I am guessing he was feeling guilty about how he handled the end of our situation and this is his attempt to transform himself into the "good guy" to soothe himself. Fuck that. 

Honestly, I am trying to sit here all zen and chill but I am fucking angry and hurt. I am sick of these narcissistic, emotionally regressed, entitled little boys who think they can walk all over people and get away with it. The emotional and physical abuse this guy dishes out to the world is inexcusable. 

I sat on my fingers as long as I could. Today I finally replied to his email and, while I held back, the venom flowed through my words. Do I feel better or worse? I don't know. At the moment all I feel is done. 

xoks

Shelter

Yesterday I had my first flirtation with feeling depressed. Not like before, nothing close. 

I had hoped to take my new book to the botanical gardens to read in the sun. It was dreary in SF so a little drive about town was all I got. I felt lonely and isolated. 

I am learning to live with this type of sadness. Living things get sad, lonely, scared, tired, grumpy. All natural emotions that are safe to feel. Having come out of my deepest depression ever, especially via KIT, I am afraid that a single tear means I am 5150 bound and that somehow the infusions were a temporary reprieve from my darkness. Then I stop and really check in with my head, heart and body. This sadness is unable to break me. My loneliness, I can reach out to 10 people right now and find wonderful company. Scared, tired, grumpy? I can manage. I have the tools. I don't have to fall down the rabbit hole. My depression doesn't own me anymore. I have promised myself I will do whatever it takes to ensure it never does again. 

Daily lessons in Standard Human Emotions 101 (aka - Emotions for Dummies). 

xoks

Every Breath You Take

I admit I am a former cyberstalker. If I wanted to know something about someone, I would dig and dig on the interwebs for any tiny bit of information available. If I was really interested in that someone, I would Google them on a daily basis, sometimes twice (ok ten) times a day. I haven't done that in a while. I realized I was making myself feel sick and anxious, especially post break up. 

I asked my "ex" to block me on social media, their phone and on email. Kooky? Yes, but I knew it was hard for me not to poke around. Case in point - today, while I was updating my LinkedIn I noticed a certain position from a certain company had been on my page in invisible mode. I only know one person in this field from this company and he is my "ex". This poked my stalker brain to open one of his social media pages that he had blocked me on months ago and BAM - guess who is no longer blocked? This girl! 

One second of staring before I closed the page and felt...curious. I didn't have a meltdown. I am not sad or anxious or dying to reach out and reconnect. I am simply wondering why? 

The curiosity is gone, the cat lives on. 

xoks

President Gas

The most depressing thing left in my life at this point is politics and the state of the world. No matter how hard I try, I can't turn off the news. It's the trainwreck you can't look away from. The car accident you slow down for to get a look even when you know it is likely gruesome. Which, let's face it, is the perfect word for the state of affairs; gruesome.

Chechnya, Syria, Russia, Trump, trade war, real war, the end of the ACA...the list is endless. I am not trying to drag anyone down but this is fucking happening and people are still getting behind #45 and his cronies. I can't understand how we are marching the streets daily and trying to impeach the entire top tier of the government. How they are behaving and the way they are pushing us into a potentially deadly corner is, in my opinion, the worst time I have ever seen in our political history. It is true that we made it through the Cold War and the Cuban Missile Crisis but remember, while you might not have liked who was in office during those times, at least they had political experience and a basic understanding of how government works. Trump got a history lesson from Xi on North Korea. Our "leader" doesn't even have a 10th-grade education in world history. It's mind boggling. 

I want to think it will get better. I have to believe that people will wake up and realize that coal isn't going to be the next big thing and kicking immigrants out of the country won't make the U.S. a safer place to live. If we don't start to enforce that these fools work for us then we are going to die in the beds we made. 

xoks

Pictures Of You

It has been over a month since I boarded the plane in Vegas, a complete shell of a person, sobbing into my shredded napkin and hoping the plane would crash (fucked up for my fellow travelers, I know.) Today is exactly four weeks since I had my first KIT. I have not cried, much less sobbed for 4 hours without a definable reason. I have been sleeping deeply and waking up feeling refreshed. I even sat through Sedar dinner without a single sip of wine. Major accomplishment for a girl who loves her wine.

Today in therapy we discussed what now? It is the first time in my adult life that I have been depression free. I am not entangled with any man, I am choosing not to drink alcohol, do any drugs or drink caffeine after noon (I play a little loose with the last one). I don't have a drinking/drugging issue, I am choosing to keep my mind and body free of any chemicals so I can continue to check in with myself and my progress. I do struggle in the man department so finally being free of any toxic dating feels empowering. However, the "what now" is lingering with me. I haven't really thought about my future because, so often, I didn't know if I would have one. Now, aside from my natural expiration date, I finally feel like I do. 

I have a blank canvas that I need to start painting. Five-year plan? Is that what normal people do? Shorter or longer? Change my career (unlikely) or my location? Start martial arts, quit smoking (again, unlikely) adopt a puppy? I don't know yet, but I do know it feels brilliant to know that the options are almost limitless and I will no longer be in my way.

xoks

Sour Girl

I have severed all ties to any of the men I was dating prior to KIT. I realized that even though I cared for them, they either fed into my depression, my insecurities or my bad habits. I needed to move on to grow. I will miss them, each in his own way taught me something about myself I might not have learned otherwise and despite the relationships being unhealthy, I am grateful for the positive times I spent with them. 

I am putting a hold on dating. I need this time to heal. I need to really love myself before I can offer something real to anyone else. I have a lot to offer and I want to be able to share everything with a clear heart and mind.

xoks

Saint Cecilia

An additional plus to feeling so much better is being able to plan activities I feared I wouldn't be able to manage this year:

April 20th - Banks

May 17th - Blue October

May 26th - 28th - Bottlerock

June 8th - Muse and 30 Seconds to Mars (NOLA - June 3rd - 9th)

July 21st - July 23rd - Leadership Camp (CO - July 20th - 25th)

August 11th - 13th - Outside Lands

September 8th - 15th - Duck, NC

October 10th - Depeche Mode

October 27th - October 29th - VooDoo Festival (NOLA- October 21st - November 4th) 

I am sure I will find more music to fill in any gaps but so far, this year is going to be heavenly. 

xoks

But, Honestly

Today I reached a minor milestone - three weeks no contact with my latest ex. That may seem like a silly thing to check off on your calendar but to me, it shows progress. It is very difficult for me to severe ties with people I love, even if they are highly toxic. Not a day has gone by that he hasn't invaded my head in some way but it no longer leaves me feeling unloved. During one of my KIT sessions I recall my brain telling me that I was not abandoned, I set myself free. I repeat that daily; I am free.

xoks

One Thing Leads To Another

Things I have learned since the completion of my KIT:

• Just because my depression and anxiety are greatly diminished this does not mean I am "over"  shit. I still have plenty of old wounds to heal.
• Napping does not equal depression. It means I am sleepy and should feel ok snoozing on a Saturday afternoon if my body needs it.
• Yes, every song on the radio can be applied to almost any ex. Overlapping is common.
• Almost everyone has an opinion on KIT and they all seem to want to share it.
• The sugar cravings might not be related to treatment. I might just need more protein.
• I still resent cleaning the cat box. 

xoks

I Only Want You To See My Favorite Part Of Me

and not my ugly side...

I feel like I have been in hiding for so many years. Two or three different KS's. Each person in my life helping me decide who to present in their presence. Do they need me to be smiling, funny, goofy? Is today a day they need the empath in me to be ultra-available? Tonight will they look for kinky, sexual, easy? I know I am made up of all of these traits (and many, many more) but the exercise of trying to show up in form has become impossible. 

This is no one's fault but my own. I can be insecure, fragile, needy. I crave being liked and have broken myself in two to be loved. I am your basic, slightly broken human being who is, at 47, relearning her way through this world. 

xoks

ps - I am not that easy

Where Crying Isn't Secret, It's The Art of How We Grieve

Today is one week since I completed my treatments. To be honest, I have fallen asleep each night afraid of waking up to find it was a temporary "fix". Imaging I would roll over in the morning with a deep ache in my heart and a tied up stomach. That hasn't been the case. Each morning has felt great. Granted, I didn't turn into a "morning" person, I still hit my snooze button a dozen times, but once I shake off the fog of a great nights sleep I feel solid. I feel wonderful.

I haven't cried since March 14th. Don't take that the wrong way, I think crying is a healthy, healing process that is perfectly normal. However, I wasn't just crying; I was sobbing uncontrollably, for no reason, for hours on end. I had no trigger, or warning, or understanding of why it was happening. It would just come on whenever it felt like it and leave me curled up in a ball with an obnoxious headache. It wasn't comforting. It didn't relieve me of any pain, and I knew it would happen again and again. I just never knew when. 

To be free of my pain and anxiety makes every day worth getting out of bed. It doesn't matter if I haven't been able to make a million social calls; I feel a little like a foal, trying to get my legs to work after being born. That might sound a little (or a lot) silly but it's accurate. I am slowing learning what life is like without major depression. What it feels like to enjoy just being in my skin. As I move forward, I hope to find a woman who enjoys running amok with my family and friends. Who seeks out new adventures and rebuilds relationships with those who have always been there for me but have had to stand a bit aside feeling helpless to make things better for me. To those who didn't give up on me, thank you. I am forever grateful for your love and support.

xoks

Life In Her Yet

She still remembers a time that was uncomplicated
But sure as the sun rise she's seen things that you'll never see
Losses and heartache amount to her strength
But oh how they both take their toll

She's still here fighting
Better know there's life in her yet

Time will take us all, and turn us into stones
It leaves us with regrets and picks apart the threads
Hung over fragile bones

Let her go
I can't let her go
I can't let her go

Her hands tell the story of hardships that we'll never know
Her face is a map of a lifetime on well-traveled roads
But those eyes tell nothing of a soul that is spared
A heart that is longing for death

She's still here fighting
Better know there's life in her yet

Time will take us all, and turn us into stones
It leaves us with regret, it picks apart the threads
Hung over fragile bones

Let her go
I can't let her go
I can't let her go

Let her go
I can't let her go
I can't let her go

Let her go
Let her go
Let her go

xoks

Faithfully Pursue The Policy of Truth

"Never again is what you swore the time before."

The last five days have been some of the easiest-going, peaceful days I have experienced in years. The dread and anxiety I used to wake up to every morning are gone. It has been replaced by a sense of serenity and calm. The sun actually made me smile. If you know me at all, you know I am a vampire who gleefully cheers when the sun sets. I am pretty in pale. Today I spent 30 minutes just sitting in the sun, soaking up my vitamin D (doctors orders, I suggest you try this too.)

I understand that this blog might be viewed as overshare and that some people in my life disapprove but as I stated on March 13th, I have never shied away from discussing or sharing my experiences with depression. This is a part of who I am. I have hidden it from so many people, affecting our relationships unintentionally with my omissions. I won't live that way anymore. 

It makes my heart ache to know that there are so many people living in darkness and fear. I want to reach out to as many people as I can and say there is hope. There is a treatment that is working for over 80% of the people who have tried EVERYTHING else unsuccessfully. Please, if you know someone, share my blog or tell them about KIT. I honestly believe it saved my life. Everyone deserves to live their lives free from madness.

xoks

Two Hearts Beat As None

Men. They are (were?) the main thing that could take me to the darkest depths of my depression. I have terrible taste in men. That is not to be confused with I date "terrible men", most of them are really lovely people, they are simply terrible when combined with me. I am also not saying I suck, cause I don't. I am actually pretty cool and have been told I am an awesome GF. So it's complicated.

Age 16 - First BF. Orphan, homeless, skinhead, alcoholic, abuser. Perfect! Let him move in, have him sleep with all your friends and then dump you two years in. Stalk and mourn him for the next four years because you have NO tools to deal with rejection.

Age 18-21 - Do not discuss how many people you "dated" during this period of time because your mother reads this blog.

Age 21 - Find an extremely handsome, super intelligent loner, living with his parents, who is 3 years younger than you and push him for a commitment. Lock him down, hold on tight and then scratch your head when he actually leaves the country without telling you goodbye. 

Age 25 - Head to a club, see a gorgeous thing at the bar and ask him to come home with you. Find out he is 17 (turning 18 in a month) and move in with him. Raise him like he is your kid (because he is a kid and what else can you do?) Mother and smother him. Break his heart because you have outgrown each other but you don't know how to kindly end a relationship because they have always left you.

Age 31/32 - Fall for an introverted, super-geek who tells you for FIVE years that you are not GF material but keep fighting the good fight to prove you are until it all blows up in your face and you end up hating each other (we are over that now but it took some time.)

Age 37 - (deep breath, this is where I might lose some of you) fall madly, deeply, passionately head over heels in love with your co-worker, who is married with two small children. A place I never wanted to go. Spend five years of your life waiting for the ultimate test of true love (would he leave her for me?) only to have him start a second affair with another co-worker and break your world. Karma played out fast and furious.

Age 42 - Stop all dating. Stay single and withdraw into yourself. See no one. Sink deeper into your depression. Don't explore the reason why you choose all of these unavailable men. Remind yourself daily that you are simply unlovable. 

Age 45 - Get back on the horse. Start to casually date. Meet a healthy guy and scare him off in under 30 days. 

Age 46 - Start dating a poly guy who prefers shiny and new over everything else. Push to be a primary. Break up with him monthly. Connect with him more as a friend than a lover only to realize he doesn't do friendships. Keep him in your back pocket.

Age 46 1/2 - Tinder a handsome engineer who lives two hours away. Get him caught us in your fucked up chaos and feel rescued by him, therefore putting him into a role that is not suited for either of you. Push and pull until it breaks and he finds a healthy girl at home to fall for. 

Age 46 3/4 - Try that casual FB thing. Meet a 34-year-old, well-educated, gainfully employed, super smart man. Have him over for wine. Find out he is married...start the affair anyway because this time it should be safe - he really loves his wife but they are sexually incompatible and that's all this is, right? Enter the dark world. Everything spins quickly out of control. This is real love, this is TRUE love, the love of our lives; how did we ever survive before we met one another? Receive an email 8 months or so later saying he loves you but more like a sister. Fall flatly on your face.

Age 47 1/2 - Take a break darlin'. It's time for me to discover who I am (never too late) and to learn to walk away from red flags and really draw some boundaries that are in line with my beliefs. Dating/falling for married men ensures that I will never have to step up in a relationship and let them see all my flaws. It was an escape. A game I was always sure to lose because I am afraid that winning means getting real. 

For all of the people that I have hurt over the decades with my selfish behavior and my carelessness, I am truly sorry. I can't change the past, I can't undo the damage but I can do my best to never cause havoc in anyone else's life again. I know none of you will ever read this but please forgive me my failings. You all deserved better.

xoks

PS - This is what I call a cleanse. A way for me to see my patterns and a healing process. Please know I am still smiling and feeling really good. KIT has helped me to process a lot of what I wrote above, especially while under treatment, so I wanted to get it down in writing before I lost too many of the above thoughts.

Wait For It...

Watch to the end. I was chanting "Say it, say it!"

Things Can Only Get Better

A little morning happiness. 

xoks