Noon is the New Eight AM

Pea and I have not woken up before noon the entire trip. Of course we haven't gone to bed before 3 AM either. August is vacation month in Europe so everywhere you go is bustling. We are in Vulpellac until tomorrow. Paul is flying in from Ireland for an overnight stay. Then Pea and I (plus a few friends) will head to the mountains for a few days before returning to Barcelona. I took the family out for dinner last night. It was perfect. But let me just say, if anyone ever offers you a sea snail - Just say No.

Blogging on Medication on the Mediterranean

Here I sit in Vulpellac with Pea smoking, eating, and attempting to speak Castillian. It is amazing here. The people are kind and beautiful. We spent the first weekend in Premia de Dalt outside of Barcelona at a grande villa that belongs to Teresa, la novia de David. David is an old family friend of Pea's. He helped raise her when she was little. Now we are staying in the pueblo where Pea was born. Encarna was Pea's other mother growing up and she is taking care of us as if we were her own.

14 Minutes

I will officially be on vacation in 14 minutes. Out the door, everything in order and off to a quick massage. My back in OUT and I need it to be in better shape before I get on that plane in the morning. Leave it to me to be broken on vacation. At least we are spending the first few days relaxing at a summer home. Perhaps with the lack of stress and nothing to do it will work itself out.

I am not sure if I will have a place to blog while in Spain so if you don't hear from me over the next two weeks you will know why.

Try not to miss me.

Uno, Dos, Tres

I received a text message from my best friend this morning. We are meeting in Barcelona on Saturday. She has informed me that on Monday we will be heading to Terersa's summer home on the Mediterranean. There is a pool and tennis courts for our lounging and playing. I believe I will be on the lounging end of that offer. I am beside myself with excitement. I realized I haven't been to Europe since I was 17 and I have not left the country since Costa Rica. This is an overdue adventure and I plan on making more frequent trips in the future.

Since Carmen was born in Spain and has duel citizenship she has a lot of family and friends there. I will be getting my citizenship to the U.K. when I return. Perhaps we will run off to Europe together when we grow up.

Getting ready to be away from work for two-weeks has proven itself to be painful. Wouldn't you know that everything that can come up, has. I am scrambling. Although work can reach me in Spain I am still nervous about leaving the kids for such an extended period of time. They have been without me for a week, but two will be interesting. The last time I was out of the office I came back to over 300 emails and countless voicemails. I do not have a proper assistant to cover my desk so I will be setting up whatever I can to ensure that the part of the company I manage will not need a lot of tending to. We shall see.

Turns out there is a baggage handlers strike in Spain. Figures. They are re-routing luggage just to mess with the airlines. In an attempt not to be sans panties I have decided to take two bags, one on the plane with a weeks worth of necessities and one checked with all the clothes I can live without but would like to have. I could probably take three bags knowing me but since it is crazy hot there my clothing is all the light, compact type. With any luck, everything should arrive with me. If not, I guess I will just have to shop. Shame.

www.postsecret.com Speaks to Me

I am Hotter Than You

I am laying here, in D's apartment, drowning in my own sweat. It is after 6:00 pm and it is still 109 degrees. Today has been a day of laying about, drinking water, sitting in the A/C. In other words a day of nothingness. No laundry, no cooking, no touching. We have ordered dinner in. We have two epsisodes of Eureka to watch. We are content to just be sloth-like until the sun sets. My only regret is that the we are out of beer. Sigh.

The Count-Down

Three weeks from today I will be in Barcelona. I am so excited I can barely stand still. Being a Virgo I have already started my packing list. Two weeks from home means at least one very large bag, if not two. Carmen will kill me if I bring too much. Although we will be based in Girona I believe we will be traveling down the coast to see family and I am sure she doesn't want me lugging a trunk along. I will do my best.

I made all my plans to be in NOLA at the end of October. I have my hotel booked, my airfare paid for and my tickets to the concert. I will be taking a study course for three days while in NOLA so my company footed the bill on the hotel, very cool of them. Since I had already planned on buying the airfline tickets it all worked out. Eight days in one of my favorite cities in the states. I feel so fortunate.

I have also purchased tickets to see Train, Tool and tomorrow I will get tickets to see Sheryl Crow. I have been missing live shows so I am making up for it.

Tonight I am off to D's to make dinner and watch a movie. I am already running late so I best hustle.

SPAIN, SPAIN, SPAIN...Did I Mention SPAIN?!

So I booked my flight to Spain. I will be there for two weeks with my best friend Carmen. Tripping in Barcelona and Gerona, her birth-place, and perhaps a short trip to Biarritz. My little brother is in Europe for six weeks and is staying with a family in France. We may try to peak in on him for a few days. There is a chance that we won't head to France just because we will be visiting her family and may not want to take the time away. Either way, I am happy to just be with Pea.

I am also planning another trip to NOLA. I am going to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Duran Duran on Halloween at the VooDoo Festival! I am praying Carmen will join me, provided her field studies are done. I think I have already hooked Ms. Lyn into the deal!

So much has happened recently that I just haven't had the time to blog. In order - after NOLA, which was an amazing trip, I went on a long-weekend cruise to Mexico for Kris' bacholrette party, and then went to Philly to see Carmen receive her masters degree. We celebrated so hard the night before I am shocked any of us made it! I had nine chocolate martini's at The Continental. Gods help me. I have a million pictures to post and I will do so as soon as I have a free dozen hours or so to commit to the task.

Kris and Pavlos finally made it to the alter a few weeks ago. The wedding was beautiful. The reception is a blur. A major blur. I remember everything until about midnight when the tequila shots came out...sigh.

Work has been a handful. I LOVE my job; the people I work with and the environment are brilliant. There is so much work to do and I know how it all goes but there are times I am buried under a pile of work and think it will never end. But better to be busy then to be bored, and I am never bored.

Oh, did I mention SPAIN!

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my dear little sister Jeanne. She committed suicide several years ago after a long, hard struggle with alcohol and her personal demons. I miss her, I love her and I hope she is happier wherever she is today.

"i am so ashamed to see the damage i have done"

An Apology

I have only ever removed one other post from my blog. Today I have removed another. Seems that I am spreading unkind rumors and I will not be that person. I apologize to anyone who was affected. From here on out I will no longer mention those that found my blog to be so offensive.

Too Much Information

I was informed today that I have been promoted to Director of HR at my company. Along with more responsibility I received another increase in salary and stocks. This last increase took me over six figures; something I have been working towards for the last 10 years. I could not be more pleased right now. I have worked so hard for my current company and it has really paid off. The level of trust and respect this company has shown me makes me feel amazing, I will continue to work hard for them.

I know I haven't updated in a long time. After my trip to NOLA I went to Mexico on a cruise with some gfriends and then to Philly to see Pea get her Masters. She is now in her PhD program. She never ceases to amaze me.

I have a million pictures to post and just as many stories to tell but right now I am just too busy to really sit down and hash it all out. I promise to catch you all up soon.

I Can't Remember to Forget You

Off She Goes (like she wasn't already a little "off" to begin with)

I am heading to New Orleans (via Texas) in a few hours. Lyn and I have decided to blog twice a day while we are there so we set up a site just for our trip:

Whore Tour

Enjoy the reading kids.

Secrets

I am an avid reader of PostSecrets. You should be too.

Who Goes There?

I spent last weekend in San Diego visiting the kids with D. I know, I know...but I love those kids and rarely get to see them so I skipped down on Friday afternoon as a surprise. It seems the kids know me too well; although they were thrilled to have me there, they both said they expected to see me. I am so predictable.

I am leaving for NOLA on Wednesday. I am so excited to be making this trip. I haven't spent any time with Lyn in years. We are looking forward to adding to our criminal records.

In early May I am off on a short cruise to Mexico with a few girls. The next weekend I am off to Philly to see my best friend get her Masters. At the end of July we are planning a two-week trip to Europe - one week in Ireland and one week in Spain. It has been years since I have left the states, I am really looking forward to this summer.

I am sure I will be making another jaunt to SD as well. As close as I am to D's family, I will want to spend some more time with the kids. His family has taken me in as one of theirs and I feel the same. Nothing there will ever change and that makes me smile.

For my Mom

My mother is a wonderful person who has taught me how to be the person I am. I can not express my gratitude for everything she has done for me. She has always been supportive, caring, trusting (well there was that one time - but I was 13 and she was right not to trust me, I was bad) and loving. She has always taken responsibility for her wrong doings, and has always allowed me the time to learn from mine.

I can not thank her enough. I can not love her enough. She will always be there for me and that knowledge makes me a stronger, better woman.

Bar Night

Once again, we drank too much, smoked too much and had too much fun. Don't you wish you were there?

Schism

I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Fundamental differing
Pure intention juxtaposed
Will set two lovers' souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes
Testing our communication
The light that feuled our fire then
Has a burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end
Crippling our communication

I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame
It doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other
Watch the temple topple over
To bring the pieces back together
Rediscover communication

The poetry
That comes from the squaring off between
And the circling is worth it
Finding beauty in the dissonance

There was a time that the pieces fit
But I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know
The dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow
And strengthen our communication

Cold silence has
A tendency to
Atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers

I know the pieces fit

My love to Tool

NOLA

I finally did it! I booked my flight to TX to see Miss Lyn! We aren't actually staying in TX, we are heading to NOLA for Easter weekend to visit her family. She asked me along and how can I say no?

We will be in TX together for only one full day but she promised to take me downtown this time. Otherwise you will see our asses pounding NOLA pavement, a drink in one hand and a shopping bag in the other!

Can hardly wait. Thanks for the invite girl.

Happy Birthday Beautiful

This weekend was my sister's 40th Birthday. She looks like she is turning 30. The bitch.

We threw her a party. Her best friends Anna and Jennifer themed it the 80's. They blew up pictures of all of us for the walls. They played all sorts of awesome music. There was a ton of food and a ton of good friends. Overall I think Alicia really enjoyed herself.

So... HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE. I love you!

Wouldn't More Than It's Done

Cool headed one
Started out as fun
Now it's sealed and delivered
All that's left is one
Started out to work it all out
But I couldn't fit the shoes

Oh well hope there's an angel
Looking out and watching over you

If love was a gun
Wouldn't hurt more that it's done
No if love was a gun
If love was a gun yeah

Hot headed one
What's done is done
Now it's sealed and delivered
Mercy's on the run
Woke up this morning
I was all cleaned out
Lord I just wanted to cry

Oh well hope there's an angel
Looking out and watching over you

If love was a gun
Wouldn't hurt more that it's done
No if love was a gun If love was a gun yeah

Angel, angel, angel, oh yeah

Fast living one
Now the race is won
Things got as hot as
The surface of the sun
No doubt we burnt it all out
Our summer's been and gone

Oh well hope there's an angel
Looking out and watching over you

Thanks Divinyls

Another Sleepless Night

This is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know what your answer will be

I know you don't love me anymore
You used to hold my hand when the plane took off
Two years ago there just seemed so much more
And I don't know what happened to our love

Today's the day
Our friendship has been stale
And we will meet later to finalise the details
Two years ago the seed was planted
And since then you have taken me for granted

But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
I know your answer already
I know your answer already

Thanks Sinead

Red Hot

There must be something
In the way I feel
That she don’t want me to feel
The stare she bares cut me
I don’t care
You see so what if I bleed

I could never change
Just what I feel
My face will never show
What is not real

A mountain never seems to have
The need to speak
A look that shares so many seek
The sweetest feeling
I got from you
The things I said to you were true

I could never change
Just what I feel
My face will never show
What is not real

I could have lied I’m such a fool
My eyes could never never never
Keep their cool
Showed her and I told her how
She struck me but I’m fucked up now

But now she’s gone yes she’s gone away
A soulful song
That would not stay
You see she hides ’cause she is scared
But I don’t care
I won’t be spared

I could have lied I’m such a fool
My eyes could never never never
Keep their cool
Showed her and I told her how
She struck me but I’m fucked up now

I could have lied I’m such a fool
My eyes could never never never
Keep their cool
Showed her and I told her how
She struck me but I’m fucked up now

Thank you Peppers

A Dingo Ate My Baby

I am slowly recovering from my shenanigans of last night. I went to bed at 4:30 AM this morning, woke up at 11 and did the pretend walk of shame back to my car.

I went to the Dingo's birthday party last night with Kris, Pavlos and Paulie. We arrived early to lend a hand. Kris dressed as a Serpent Priestess, Paul and Pav in the usual Hawaiian garb and me dressed in a somewhat scandalous outfit. Since I don't own luau gear I decided to go decked out in fetish gear. Let me tell you, I was as close to naked in public as I ever get. Yes, there are pictures; frightening proof that I have no shame.

The party was held in a fetish house but the only play room was way in the back so that most of us could avoid anything that made us uncomfortable. I popped my head in a few times, let my jaw hit the floor and then giggled my way back to the main party. I felt like I was 12 and had never witnessed groups of people having sex in public. I have many times, but I never could contain my child-like reaction.

The house was beautiful. Very ornate and lush. The hosts were so very courteous and the guests were all genuinely friendly. I met a lot of new people, mostly men chasing me around the flat telling me I was hot. That in itself made it well worth getting into a comfort zone with my choice (or lack thereof) of clothing. It was very flattering and it has been a long time since I have had that kind of attention. It always amazes me what a little makeup and a black push-up bra does to the male species.

We drank Margarita's and Hurricane's from a slushy machine, we watched a hula dance and a pole dance, we ate amazing food and even limboed. The fact that I was in 5 inch boots meant I could not even get close to getting under that staff but it was fun to watch everyone else hustle it.

Paulie and I left at 2:30 and headed to Little Orphan Andy's for chow. Paulie really wanted to see me walk around in public in my outfit; the fact that we chose to eat in a gayborhood means NO ONE cared, but he was still amused. We got back to his house around 4 AM and we both crawled into bed to pass out. We ended up talking till about 4:30 and then the snores ensued.

And that pretend walk of shame I mentioned? That was me dressed in sweats, Paulie's flip flops and my sunglasses - carrying my boots and bra in one hand and my purse in another. I am sure his neighbors think he got lucky; who am I to let them down?

Fear and Loathing

Since I have moved into my new digs I seem to get twice as much work done. However, since I was moved into my new position I have 10 times more work than before. You do the math; it isn't adding up. I love my job. I love the people I work with. I am on the verge of a major melt down. Besides, people keep jumping into my office from the hallway to scare me, I think they secretly trying to kill me

I sat in my office last night at 6 PM, looked around at the mess called my desk and just started to cry. My gods, with all that is going on in my personal and professional life can anyone blame me? Big ol' crocodile tears. It was messy. Once I pulled myself together I drove home, my best-friend in my ear the whole way. She always knows how to cheer me.

There is a strong probability that Pea and I (with a few others) will be heading back to Costa Rica this summer. I can not tell you how that makes me feel. Well I can actually; like a million dollars wrapped in bacon. Doesn't that say it all?

My Gawds!

It only took me 6 or so years but I have finally published my pictures of Costa Rica. Since almost all of you have heard my tales I will spare you but just looking at those photos again make me long to return.

Mojito Queen Strikes Again

I went out with co-workers last night for a kind of celebration. As usual we overindulged in food and drink. So not a bad thing. Oysters and booze, woo-hoo.

I am very lucky to work with such an amazing group of people. Surrounded by the best and the brighest. Did I mention they also love me?

Arrr Matey

I can not describe the feeling of sailing in the bay on an $800,000, four bedroom, three bathroom yacht. It was amazing.

My CTO told me I needed to get out of the house more (what does he know, I have been out, I swear) so he invited me on a day-long sailing trip with a close friend of his. Funny thing here is that another dear friend of mine was also going to be on the boat and had told me many times I should join him so I was killing two birds at once.

I met Jordan and Helga at Jordan's house at nine AM (on a Sunday mind you) and after a quick jaunt to the Sports Basement for gloves we headed to the Marina in Alameda to meet up with the crew for our 10 hour tour of the bay.

The yacht was a brand new 54 foot sailing vessel that blew my mind. It was gorgeous. They hadn't even removed the blue tape from where they are vanishing the wood, that's how new it is.

The crew consisted of Matt (our Captain), Jordan, Helga, Paulie, Adam, Brian, Lee, Gail and me. Matt has been sailing for five years and can run any boat except a commercial vessel so we were in great hands. We left the Marina at noon and sailed out towards the Golden Gate Bridge. While we did pass The Gate, the wind for sailing was stronger on the bay side so our trip into the vast ocean was short lived.

We toured every bit of the bay while listening to great music, eating yummy food and threatening to toss anyone overboard who didn't do my bidding. I spent a lot of time chatting with Matt's mom, Gail, a lovely Jewish mom who cuddled with me when I got cold and Paulie was too busy tacking.

Sometime around 7 PM, after I had sailed us through the channel, we docked at Jack London Square (surreal pulling up to guest parking in a yatch) and had a great sashimi and sake dinner at Yoshi's. The company was awesome. The food was (as usual) perfect and I was so sleepy I almost nodded off after two drinks and some Shiro Maguro. Hmmm perfect.

We didn't dock back into Alameda until after 10 PM and I was so ready to go home and snuggle up for the night. I slept sounder last night than I have in a month. Feeling a little sore today, but it was well worth it.

I Think You Will All Be Shocked to Read This...

Which Princess Bride Character are You?
this quiz was made by mysti

Today's Drive By

Hi Kris

How to Feel Great for a Few Hours

Thanks you guys:

Even Google is Mocking Me

Word of the Day

spoony: foolishly or sentimentally in love.

Happy VD

Shalom

Tonight was the Club's annual Crab Feed. A large group of Jews enjoying crustations. I am relatively sure this is against the "Jewish" rules, but then again so are all of my tattoos so who am I to judge.

My father and step-mom were there, along with their boys, my grandpa, my aunt Ester, my sister and her brood. It was really wonderful. It was a little sad for me at times since I am used to having D at my side at such events but overall a really delightful evening.

The rest of my weekend was equally as enjoyable. I was fitted for my bridesmaids dress on Saturday. I was TWO hours early (I have no idea how that happened) so I got us breakfast and Kris and I sat around talking till the other maids showed up. The dresses are going to be beautiful. We are all very excited.

Back to the bat cave tomorrow, I have five employees starting in the next few weeks so I have a feeling there will be a lot of late nights in the month of February. Ah, nothing like being the the Queen of CM.

Shavua Tov

Crew Drive By's

As guests visit my new "home" I am forcing them to stop for a photo-op; Leon was my first victim. Thanks for playing along!

New Digs

I was given my own office this week. How sweet is that. I play music, keep the lights a little softer (I look better in soft lights) and always keep my door open. The down-side? I am across from the restrooms (ummm, gross) and I am a little lonely cause I am a little isolated. But my crew stops by often to visit so it will all work out (except the bathroom thing).

Oh NO She Didn't (said with a distinct urban African-American vernacular)

My best-friend says I am playing the victim. I will have none of that. I am not a victim here, she is right.

My relationship with my ex has been, at times, tumultuous. It has also been amazing. There is no lack of love between us. We even like each other, imagine that. But over the last month it has been very hard for us. I initiated the separation, he finalized it. There were no right or wrongs here people. We just couldn't find the middle ground.

What I feel I am expressing here is my sadness at the loss of someone I love dearly. I did not intend to come across as a victim, I won't allow myself to be a victim. I am responsible for my actions and some of those actions got us where we are. End of story.

Thanks for slapping me around Pea.

No Idle Hands Here

I have been painting my mom's house for weeks now. Her kitchen was the first to be done. As you can see, her cabinets were a dreary faux wood. Her walls were an unfortunate wallpaper with nightmarish flowers. I had to put three coats of primer and up to four coats of paint to cover anything at all. So far it is working and mom loves it.

I am enjoying it because it means I have a large scale project to work on every night instead of starring at my empty email box. Pathetic I know. It also keeps me active. Active is good. My mind is clear when I paint. I listen to music and dance around (like the visual?) By the end of the night I am covered in it. This morning my friend told me I looked like I had gray hair from all the primer left in it.

Progress is a little slow since there is SO much to be done but I am really pleased so far. I will update as I complete more.

Thank you

I want to thank EVERYONE who has stepped up to be kind and reach out to me. Strangers and loved ones alike. It makes a difference to know people care.

Love

Not Alright

All my life
I've been a little bit fucked up
And all family has made their way
And every day
I try to be better
In every way

But I don't have to prove a thing to you
You don't know me, I don't owe you
Do I?

I've done drugs
And my share of drinking
And all my friends
Have been right there with me
And money's tight
But soon things will get better
And we'll all be alright

It's not a lie when I say
That things could be better
Not a lie when I pray
For things to get better
When I say I'm alright
Don't look in my eyes
Cause I'm not alright
But I'm trying

Life is hard
But look at my armor
Everything bounces off of me
And every time some one tries to get me
Victory is mine

But I don't want to do the thing or two
That will erase me and embrace you
Do I?

It's not a lie when I say
That things could be better
Not a lie when I pray
For things to get better
When I say I'm alright
Don't look in my eyes
Cause I'm not alright
But I'm trying to be
I'm trying to be alright

All my life
I've been fucked up
And all family has made their way
But everyday I keep trying to win some way

It's not a lie when I say
That things could be better
Not a lie when I pray
For things to get better
When I say I'm alright
Don't look in my eyes
Cause I'm not alright
But I'm still trying

Thanks Storm

I Blog More as a Single Girl

Today was another roller coaster for me. Mostly I am OK but I have moments where I just sort of fall apart. Something very small can trigger me. An email from someone I would never have thought would have cared about what I am going through, a check-in from my other mom, my best friend joking about setting me up with a "nice Jewish man". Although thee things make me smile, they also make me cry. I know everyone intentions are kind and I really appreciate everything everyone is doing for me, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I have spent most of today working on the house. Keeping busy is really good for me. I am trying not to over think what happened. I am trying to accept it and move on. That is all there is left to do.

It was nice to hear that my family in SD is sorry to see me go. They have sent me so much love and so many well wishes. D made a joke about how I need not worry about losing them, it was he who was going to be shut out. Not funny and not true, but it was kinda cute when he said it. I know these people love me and I know that when I am ready I can always go spend time with them.

For now I am just learning to let go. These last five years have been hard, and I need time to heal.

Fill Your Day With Selfishness

I got my hair done, I bought $500 worth of clothes, I had a dear friend bring me comfort food. I felt a little like a widow. Everyone checking in, everyone concerned.

I spoke with Jen briefly last night. She told me the break-up made her cry. She told me that she is afraid she will never see me again. I made the only promise to her that I could, I would try my best to remain in her life, but I will also respect my exes wishes.

My ex mother-in-finances also checked in with me. I believe she finally realizes it is over between me and her son and she too is very saddened. She made me understand what I mean to her and her kin and I can see this will be very difficult for all of us. I am guessing D is the only one who will go unscathed. Isn't that always the way of things.

Resignation

Separating from someone who has been in your life for a long time is a very painful process. I really didn't think I would ever have to do this again.

I spent years working with my ex to make things right. Our battles were ones we were willing to wage through because we loved each other. But as he said to me, love isn't enough. Although many things were right between us too many other things were wrong. I think I tried to fix the things I could and cried over those that were just too hard to face. As I sit here, trying to let the wave of emotions wash over me without drowning in them, I realize that he was right all along.

I had once asked him why he decided that he wanted to be partners with me. His response was two-fold. One was that he had looked around, had dated others and no-one was as wonderful as I was. The second was that his life was more fun with me in it than not. Those were powerful messages that are no longer true for us.

One of the things that fit and felt so right were his family (I told him it is like breaking up with 12 people at the same time). I love kids, his cousin, his mom and step-dad. His grandparents made me one of the family and I will miss them all dearly. That is not to say I will never be a part of their lives again but I know my ex will probably date pretty fast (just from past experience with him) and that is something I never deal with well and being connected to them is being connected to him, and that just can't be for now.

The hardest part for me is that we work together. Kinda difficult to break up with someone when you have to see them everyday. I think for him that will make it easier; for me it is going to be really hard. I constantly want to reach out to him but I know that isn't my place anymore.

I needed to ask for several things from him to help us separate; things like new back accounts and other financial stuff that needs tending to. I also asked him to remove my PW to his site. So this morning I checked, cause I wanted to be sure he was doing what I asked, and I could still login. Then I checked a few minutes ago and sure enough I am blocked. Those are the weird little things that make your stomach hurt. That force you to realize it is truly, and finally over.

I guess I am a little numb to it all. We have gone through this many times over the five years we have dated but we have always been able to come back together, mostly stronger and more in for the long haul. This time, however, we won't be doing that. He is done, I am done and there is nothing more to think about

To his family, thank you so much for making me one of your own. You have been loving and supportive in a way I will never forget. I will miss you this year at Christmas but know that you will always be in my heart.

To his kids, you have brought me more joy than you will ever know. You are strong and beautiful people and I will miss continuing to watch you grow up.

And finally to D:

Some words are sad to say
Some leave me tongue-tied
(But the hardest thing to tell you
But the hardest words I know
Are I love you goodbye
I love you goodbye

If the Sun Isn't Up...

Then why am I? I took my baby in to the vet's to be spayed. How horrible is that?! My poor little girl. She had to sleep with me last night because she wasn't allowed to have anything to eat or drink after midnight. She generally sleeps with mom, but there are always cookies in the morning and water bowls are strewn all over her room so she was stuck with me.

We turned off the lights at 10:30 last night - since we had to be up at 5:00 - and Isabella spent the rest of the night kicking me in the belly. Now I am laying in bed wishing I could just go back to sleep and stay in bed all day. Unfortunately that isn't going to happen.

I have deranged thoughts of heading into work early but that just seems crazy to me. I think I will lay here and sip coffee until I have to get in the shower. I have had enough excitement for the week, lounging seems to be the smart thing to do right about now. Work can wait.

Thanks the Gods

I was driving to the grocery store today behind a gray Blazer. As we passed through the intersection suddenly the Blazer in front of me was t-boned. I slammed on my brakes, threw my emergency brake and did some serious sliding to the side, all the while watching the Blazer flip on its hood. I jumped out of my car and ran to the Blazer, a woman was trapped inside. She was screaming as I crawled through the glass to get to her broken window. I reached inside and grabbed her hand. She was bleeding heavily from a gash in her head, her hands were shredded. She pulled and pulled on me, like she wanted to bring me in the car with her. I knew I could not move her till help arrived but she was begging me to get her out. I just kept reassuring her that help was on the way. I sat on down on a pile of glass so I could be closer to her. I held her hands and she kept reaching out and touching my face. I knew she was covering me in her blood but some things just don't matter.

The police arrived first. A car and a motor cycle. They pulled me away, thinking the blood was mine, that perhaps I had been a passenger in her truck and had somehow crawled out. The woman (whose name was Jackie) was calling for me. They took me to a curb, sat me down and told me to stay until the paramedic arrived. The firemen came next, they were looking me over as I was trying to explain that I wasn't hurt, I wasn't involved in the accident, I was just 4 seconds behind it. Once I had convinced them I was OK, they wanted to know whose blood was on my hands and face. When I explained what happened they immediately began to clean me up. They scrubbed my hands and wiped some blood off of my face. I hadn't even realized how much blood was on me until they were wiping at spots here and there.

They gently removed Jackie from her truck and I went over to her. I was told her cuts were not life threatening, simply put, head wounds bleed profusely and that is why we we're all in such a state.

Jackie had been on her way to therapy so I called her therapist for her (she gave me her purse so I could pull out her phone book.) She had also told me (while we held hands waiting for help) all about her life; that she was a recovering crack addict (three years sober) and that she had just received over-nights with her eight year old daughter. She was devastated that she wouldn't have a car to pick her daughter up the next day. I offered to call a friend for her as well and she had me call her sponsor. Her sponsor told me she would be there in minutes.

After the everyone triple checked me and I gave my statement I was allowed to go on my way. I ran my errand, still shaking, still nervous, still covered in a thin layer of someone else's blood.

Once I got home I washed everything again and headed over to my sisters to visit with my Aunt Ester and my grandfather. I was supposed to eat dinner but I was just too messy to be bothered. I had a short visit with them, as I will be having at the club with them on the 12th. I wish I had been in a better space for the visit but after what I witnessed I was just too exhausted to be there

So now I am home, just happy to be safe. I can not tell you what I was thinking when I left my car and crawled through the glass to get to a screaming scared stranger. Only afterwards did I think to myself - this is what is important, being there for others. Always.

And I Quote

`Tis the most tender part of love, each other to forgive.

- John Sheffield

I am Sorry for my Weary Life

Sometimes things just don't go as planned. It isn't that I expect an absolute resolution to each and every issue I have in my life, but I do trust the people I love to step up and take notice.

Recently I was hurt and confused. When I asked for a shoulder I received a back. It happens, there are occasions where people just can't deal with me. Does that mean that I am not more deeply hurt? No, I am afraid not.

There are things to be worked out. Things to clean up and finalize. I just don't have the heart for it; that, my friends, is broken.

Wise Words from Andy Rooney

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you:

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

Beautiful

She was over the top

And out of control

She ran away

At 13 years old

But she had her feet on the ground

And nobody pushed her around

Her mommy said "You'd better be a good girl"

Her teacher said "You'd better turn around"

And everyone said "Your a trouble maker"

But all she would ever say was "Ain't life beautiful?"

She was under the influence

Of out of the blue

And all the crimson colors

That seem to suit you

She is the one with the smile

The angel wearing devilish looks in her eyes

Her mommy said "You'd better be a good girl"
Her teacher said "You, turn that music down"
And everyone said "Girls a trouble maker"
But all she would ever say was "Ain't life beautiful?"

She will crawl around

And be ashamed

And she had better used to it

She was over the top

And out of her control

Big girls were not built

To walk the straight and narrow

She is the one wearing the crown

And everybody wants her around

And all would ever say was "Ain't life beautiful?"

Her mommy said "She always was a good girl"
Her teacher said "I turned that kid around"
And everyone said "Yeah, I used to fuck her"
And all she'd ever say is "Ain't life beautiful?"

Thanks Storm

The Suspense is Killing You

I still don't have enough information to spell out my situation but I should by the end of the month. Things tend to move a little slowly here. The one thing I can say is that my boss has resigned.

TB has been the best boss I have ever worked for. In the two years we have worked together he has taught me more about HR than all my previous bosses combined. He is a brilliant, hilarious, wonderful man and I hope to work with him again in the future.

I still have not decided what I want to do about his leaving. I have many options, some better than others, but I truly believe that I am wise enough to make the right choice for me and my future.

Some Days Are Better Than Others

And I Am NOT Superstitious

I got some news at work today that could really change my career. I have terribly mixed feelings about it, but at this very moment I am just deeply saddened.

I am not at liberty to disclose anything until the dust settles next week but suffice to say I am in for a rough couple of weeks before I know exactly where I stand.

I will fill you in as soon as I can.

Better Late...

We celebrated Christmas Eve with my family at my house. We had about 20 people over for dinner and presents. It was very nice. I think this year we had promised one another that we would not overdo it, however my family doesn't really know how to NOT overdo it so...

My best-friend Pea was here for the holidays. As is our custom she came over to spend the night so she could be with me and mine for the morning festivities. I gave my room to her and her man Alex, and D and I took the guest bedroom. After exchanging gifts with neighbors and friends on the Eve and getting to bed around 2 AM my mom woke us all at 7 AM to go see the kids meet up with their gifts from Santa.

We drove the two blocks to my sisters (it was cold out so I don't want to hear about it) and walked into hot coffee and bagels and MOUNDS of gifts. We all sat down to open stockings and then set the two youngest, Madison and Hayden, after their Santa gifts. After the whole six minutes it took them to tear through those we started in on the gifts for the kids from the rest of us. It took about an hour for them to get through those! My whole family agrees that it is easier for the adults to relax after the kids are done so that has been the routine for the last 5 years.

Once the dust had settled from the kids we grabbed some food and sat down to the serious business of the adult swap. I was treated way too well this year. My man and I had already given each other our gifts but I had bought him two small things to open; Barenaked on a Stick and his annual word-a-day calendar. Nothing huge, as we had seen BNL as our joint gift. However, my man loves to outdo me so...meet my new coat. I was shocked. He also got me new lotion and body spray in vanilla, but that was really for him. I love this coat, it is so very me and I love my man for knowing what I would really want.

My sister gave me the first season of Scrubs, my wonderful mom, after filling my stocking with gift cards and pretty things, gave me a large gift card to Lane Bryant and an AMAZING Rainbow Obsidian Face Goddess ring with an emerald in her headdress. Pea gave me a gorgeous Sweet Pea shirt and a real diamond for my nose piercing.

D and I gave away a Tivo, an LCD TV, a Anthropologie sweater, leather gloves, a trip to the local hottubs, massages, and some other stuff I will tell you about in a few minutes. People were pleased. I like making them happy, especially during the holidays.

D and I headed to San Diego on the 26th. We drove so we could have our car with us. We got Andrew and Jennifer on the 27th and the festivities began again. That night we exchanged gifts with D's kids and his mom and Frank. I got a Coach bag a new scarf, and a gift card to Barnes and Noble from mom and Frank, we had given them a new computer. D got personalized license plates for his motorcyle, a riding shirt and a Barnes and Noble gift card. Andrew gave us Serenity and a gift card to Outback.

It was time to give the kids their gifts. Mom and Frank gave them clothes and toys. We gave Andrew four wireless controllers, two for Xbox and two for PS2. We gave Jennifer a Dooney & Bourke purse. Both kids flipped out. They both looked like they had hit the lottery. Then we told Jennifer to check the cell phone pocket inside her purse and for Andrew to look deeper in the box; inside were tickets, two day passes to Disneyland and California Adventure Land. They were jumping up and down.

We visited with Lena and her brood the next day, had a visit with D's wonderful grandparents and then we had dinner with D's dad and his wife the next night, exchanged more gifts and generally had a lovely time.

The next morning we all dragged our butts out of bed at some ungodly hour and headed to DL. We had booked a room across the street from DL and were able to leave our car there while we ran across the street to the park. Then we went wild. The park was very full so it took some time to get on the rides but it was awesome. Halfway through the day we split up, D and Andy went one way and Jen and I went another, just so we could have some alone time with the kids. Jen and I ran for Big Bear Mountain and then went to Splash Mountain. This would have been awesome except right after this picture was taken we hit the bottom and the water came over our heads and into our laps. As you can see from the photo, my mouth was open and I spent the next few seconds sputter and spitting. We were soaked, head to toe. We immediately went to three stores and purchased every warm thing we could find, two hundred dollars later we were warm again.

Shortly after that we met up with the boys and had dinner, hit as many more rides as possible and headed to the hotel. We were exhausted, our feet hurt, our backs hurt, our heads hurt. Poor D had a cold and we still had another day to go.

In the morning we headed back to DL to get in a few rides we missed the day before, then we headed to California Adventure. The first ride we went on was Tower of Terror. OMG, that is the BEST ride I have ever been on. I can not even describe it here, other than to say I have never screamed so loud on a ride in my life. Jen sat between Andy and I and on the first drop she grabbed my hand and we screamed together until we landed. It was brilliant.

By the end of the day we were all ready to go home. The kids slept in the back seat, I dozed in the front and poor D drove us back to SD

The next day we visited with family. We spent most of the day on the couch recovering. We were so sore from all that running around, and unfortunately, I was coming down with D's cold

NYE was no big deal. Jen and I rented some movies to watch. She and I were the only ones who lasted till midnight and I was out by 12:15. I woke D up to wish him a happy New Year and then crawled into bed

We headed back New Years day, leaving Jen with her grandparents for the next 24 hours until she headed back home. We dropped Andy off with his mom and spent a few minutes there before we drove those 8 hours back to our home

A long and beautiful trip, as always. D's family always feel like home to me. He and his kids, his folks, his cousins, his grandparents; I just want to thank them all for taking me in and making me one of theirs

Merry Christmas

and a HAPPY NEW YEAR! I will update you all when I return from San Diego with my Man and his lovely kids. They are so in for a spoiling!

She NEVER Ceases to Impress Me!

My mom is amazing. After eight years in school she recently passed her MFT exams and became a licensed therapist. She is brilliant. She fretted for weeks, but we ALL knew she would pass. She has never failed at anything. She is a wonderful mother and a fantastic grandma. When I think about my mother it makes my heart swell with love and pride. Anyone who meets her falls for her instantly. I can not say enough about this incredible women.

She has inspired me to be a better person with every day I know her. I don't think my mom even knows how much people respect and admire her. I try to remind her everyday (she is my roommate. You try living with your mom and see if you still feel like I do after 3 years!)

Growing up my mom was the one constant in my life. She sometimes feels like she could have been a better mother, but as my best friend reminds me, she made me who I am and that is someone who is special and knows she is loved, so really mom, what more could I have asked for?

I love you mom and thanks for making me.

Close Your Ears

D is loud. I know most of you are thinking "loud, he hardly ever talks", but that's not what I am referring to. I am referring to "the moment". The end of that long, hot and sweaty thing we like to do. It is unreal. It is like being with Chewbacca in the trash compactor in Star Wars Episode 4. The walls shake. I never have use of my hands (plus I think it would be plain rude) to cover my ears and it always seems that he buries his face in my neck just as he begins his death wail. He warned me, 4 or so years ago, but I still can not get over it. I am pretty sure I have permanent damage in my left ear.

Recently we had a date at my house. It was pretty late at night. My mom was already in her room asleep. In the morning my mom says to me, "You woke me last night." I gave her a sheepish grin and apologized. She said "Well I don't mind so much but it scares the crap out of the dogs, they all started running in circles, barking like crazy. It took me a moment to realize it wasn't an earthquake. Do me a favor kid and stuff a sock in his mouth next time."

Yep, that's my mom.

I Almost Cried

I don't think I have ever been happier with a job in my life. I love the people who work here and I am guessing they love me too...

This morning I arrived to a large envelope on my desk. Inside were 4 smaller envelopes. The first was a card signed by about 40 of my 65 employees. It was signed by all of the staff - director level and below - with the exception of the two founders and one VP (the one I was flirting with at the party). They were thanking me for all my hard work this past year. Then I opened the next envelope, a $25 gift card to Starbucks, then the next, a $25 gift card to Borders, then the last, a $150 gift card to Nordstroms! I almost fell over.

Turns out an email went out last week asking employees to chip in and make my holidays special. How sweet is that. Just shows that when you give of yourself people notice and appreciate. I do love this crew!

Sometimes You Just Cant' Compete

I hosted a holiday party for my company on Thursday night. Although I worked most of the party, I did get to enjoy myself as well. We had a private room at Kingfish, free-flowing beer and wine, a never-ending table of food and entertainment. I am in the habit of always trying to outdo my previous parties. Since I have experience coordinating weddings and other events, this was a simple task for me. I hired a palm reader, a tarot reader and a contortionist/go-go dancer. I had NO idea how hot the dancer was going to be. She blew all of us away. I am pretty sure that D did not leave her side all night. I was giggling at him as he threw his head back with rambunctious laughter every time she said anything remotely cute. He, along with just about every other person in the room, was completely smitten.

The party was an overall success. Some of the VP's opened tabs at the upstairs bar for additional drinks. I was on my usual Mojito kick, although I only had two that night. I did get to flirt wildly with one of the VP's I have a crush on and he flirted back, it was cute.

At around ten-thirty the main party was over but a group of us headed to the Cats Club for a night of 8o's dancing. We had such a great time. I actually lost my voice from singing so loud. I didn't get home until two AM and paid for it dearly on Friday morning when I had to meet an employee at the office at ten for an exit interview. It really is a good thing they pay me so well.

Barenaked Love

D and I exchanged our main X-mas gift last night, we took each other to see Barenaked Ladies! It was amazing. Truly one of the best shows I have ever been to. They were brilliant. And here is the best part:

Before the show the whole band was hanging around signing autographs. I was gushing and D was just staring. I think I was super goofy with them but D said I was just my usual cute self ;). Everything D and I do together we really enjoy but last night I think I might have fallen in love.

LSD, RN

Lena we are so proud and happy for you! There was no doubt in our minds that you would do this and do it well!

We love you girl and cannot wait to spend the holidays with you and the family.

A Nod

Congratulations to my friends in NV! Thanks for filling me in, it is always a pleasure chatting with you.

And in Today's News

Atheist group offers free porn in exchange for Bibles

Atheist Agenda, an atheist group at U Texas San Antonio, staged a "Porno for Bibles" event, where they gave free pornography to people who traded in religious scripture. Link (via Zombiebite).

Interesting...I wonder if they were giving away the new Devil in Miss Jones?

God this Feels Good

I am still in bed. It is one PM and I am in my PJ's, watching movies, blogging, posting pics, and drinking coffee. I am so happy. Yes, I am lazy today, but seeing as how I worked a 50 hour week and went to the dojo three days in a row I am feeling OK about being lazy.

D and I only practiced one day together this week. I love being in the dojo with him, but he was too tired on Thursday night to join me, and I so understand that feeling. He practiced yoga on Wednesday while I hit the dojo again. By Thursday we were both pretty wrecked, but I managed to drag myself to weapons class anyway. It is my favorite night to practice because I find it very satisfying to be able to disarm a person holding a tanto.

Since I am new to Aikido I move more carefully, but my Sensei says that I have a natural sense for Aikido, a wonderful compliment coming from him, and very inspiring since I am struggling so with my rolls. Rolling seems to be a common issue for new Aikidoka. We are all pretty awkward in the beginning. Some people don't roll for a year, others get it pretty quick, I think I will fall in somewhere in the middle. My backwards rolls are better than my forward ones, but I keep trying. I work on my falls whenever I can. Falling can be hard on your body, especially falling over, and over, and over, and over...which I do. As an uke it is your job to take the falls so your nage. Of course, when I am nage it is the black belts turn to fall, which I like better, but it is a good way to learn when you are the uke.

I think the hardest part in class are the throw-downs. This is when you are on your back, holding your classmates ankle, raising your legs up straight only to have your classmate try to slam them back down to the ground. On Tuesday we did 100, on Wednesday we did 60, and Sensei was kind to us on Thursday and we only did 50. I was sure I was going to die, really. The coolest thing is that because I kept at it, I am actually not sore today. My muscles feel solid but not sore, I feel great

I will be spending the rest of my day being domestic. I have a ton of presents to wrap, we have finished with D's family already, 90% of my family and have a few friends to finish up with. We spoiled the kids, as usual, and D and I already gave Sandy and Frank their gift (a new computer) and have equally splurged on my mom, but she has to wait until December for hers. She will be screaming.

I finally posted our Thanksgiving pics. D transferred them to my computer for me (cause he is like that) and now I can link you to all the cuteness that was our holiday weekend. You might be shocked to see that most of the pics are of Jen...heh. She is so photogenic. Her dad just can't stop, he reminds me of my dad, who will never put the camera down when I am around him. They are so cute!

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend, I know I will!

As It Should Be

I wish I could tell you all that I am well rested after our long weekend, but alas, I am exhausted! My Best Friend flew in last Friday from Philly with her boyfriend to celebrate both her bday and Thanksgiving. I spent Friday through Tuesday with Carmen either celebrating or just hanging out. She is SO wonderful. Just a truly amazing woman whom I love to pieces. I wish she still lived in SF but I know the move to Philly is temporary and I can last another few years. Her man, Alex, just purchased a house in Drexel Hills and I can not wait to go visit next year and have the comfort of a home with a backyard and a fireplace. The house is super cute.

On Wednesday night both Sandy and Jennifer arrived for the long weekend. Sandy arrived mid-day and then we all had to sit around waiting for the arrival of Jennifer later that evening. We were all so excited we couldn’t sit still. I think D left for the airport almost three hours early! When he and Jen finally arrived back at my house we nearly smothered her in love. She was so happy to be there. We all stayed up until midnight just chatting and laughing.

Thursday was Thanksgiving and we were having twenty guests to dinner. We spent a majority of the day cooking and setting up. Around 5:30 we sat down to a wonderful dinner with friends and family. It is funny how you nearly starve yourself all day so you can enjoy the meal and then can barely eat half of what is on your plate. Is this a holiday phenomenon? With turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and yams, green beans, salads, homemade rolls, cranberry sauce, and four different types of pies, I want to be able to eat all night. Unfortunately I barely made it to dessert. After everything was packed away and cleaned up, D, Jen and I crawled into my bed and watched Spanglish. Sandy joined us after Survivor ended in the living room.

On Friday we decided to celebrate Jen’s Sweet Sixteen (her actual bday was on Monday) with gifts and kisses. I think she preferred the gifts but Sandy isn’t so sure. Sandy gave her several new outfits and D and I gave her a diamond “J” pendant. Then we took her shopping for a new coat, some other clothes, a Winter Formal dress, jewelry and shoes. I am pretty sure she went home happy. Her dad gave her a car already but we are keeping it in CA for when she moves here.

We took Sandy to the airport that afternoon as we had decided it would be nice to have Jen for one day alone. It was so very cool to have Sandy with us for a few days, I love spending time with her. After dropping her off we all went to Ikea to get me a new bookshelf and then headed home.

D and Jen decided they wanted to see Just Friends and I had dinner plans with a group of friends to celebrate Mike’s 31st bday. I left around 6:30 for Q and met up with Carmen, Mary, Mikey, Alex, Paulie, and Debbie. I wasn’t feeling all that well but when I got there and saw the amazing wines they had for us to drink I had to partake, even if it was just a little. Over $350 dollars worth of wine in four bottles. The Opus One was by far my favorite.

After dinner we headed to the 540 Club, a semi-dive bar that is owned by an old friend of mine. We had a few rounds and I headed home.

When I got there D and Jen were curled up in my bed. D was watching a movie, Jen was snoring. We decided to move Jen to her bed so D woke her up and then went to turn her bed down. Jen just sorta stood there, looking around my room. I asked her if she needed anything and she said no, looked back at my bed, climbed BACK in and passed out! I was cracking up when I asked her father to please help me get her back up and in her own bed.

On Saturday D and Jen took off for a day together and I did all sorts of domestic things. When they returned we took Jen to her favorite restaurant in NoCal, Maya’s, for Mexican food. After dinner we rented some movies and headed home.

Sunday rolled around and we had to get Jen ready to head home. We still needed to buy her formal shoes so we went to breakfast and then back to the mall before heading to the airport. It is always sad seeing Jen leave, but this time it was different, this time we knew exactly when we would see her again and it is only 30 days out!

More pictures will be posted soon.

A Thanksgiving Gift

My Man is the best! Thank you baby.

True Art

Now THAT is a dragonfly!

Who?

I don't touch you the way I used to
And I don't call and write when I’m away
We don't make love as often as we did do
Couldn’t wait , now waits and it usually goes away

But listen and think when I say
Oh but listen and think when I say

Who makes you feel the way that I make you feel?
Who loves you and knows you the way I do?
Who touches you and holds you quite like I do?
Who makes you feel like I make you feel?

I don't mind if you come home late
I don't ever ask you where you've been
I just assume if there's a problem, you'd tell me

But listen and think when I say
Oh but listen and think when I say

Who makes you feel the way that I make you feel?
Who loves you and knows you the way I do?
Who touches you and holds you quite like I do?
Who makes you feel like I make you feel?
Who makes you feel like I make you feel?

Being weak when I am strong
Being seen for who you are
Being sad and lost but not alone

Who makes you feel like I make you feel?

Thank you Dido

Just "In Case" You Didn't Get Our SIX Emails!

Here is Jen's travel itinerary:

November 23 2005
Alaska Airlines 310
Depart: Portland, OR at 6:55 PM
Arrive: San Francisco, CA at 8:41 PM
Seats: 8B

November 27 2005
Alaska Airlines 457
Depart: San Francisco, CA at 6:00 PM
Arrive: Portland, OR at 7:35 PM
Seats: Will be assigned at airport

We look forward to seeing her, as I am sure our attorney let you know.

PS I can see every time you log in and so can the judge.

Lazy Blogger

Don’t the hours grow shorter as the days go by
You never get to stop and open our eyes
One minute you’re waiting for the sky to fall
The next you’re dazzled by the beauty of it all

Lovers in a dangerous time

These fragile bodies of touch and taste
This fragrant skin this hair like lace
Spirits open to the thrust of grace
Never a breath you can afford to waste

Lovers in a dangerous time

When you’re lovers in a dangerous time
Sometimes you’re made to feel as if your love’s a crime
Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight
Got to kick at the darkness ’til it bleeds daylight

When you’re lovers in a dangerous time

Thank you BNL

To the citizens of the United States of America

A Message from John Cleese (of Monty Python fame) To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will letMicrosoft know on your behalf. Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of-ize.

You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grownup enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue inFour Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of allmonies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

The Girl Can't Help It

This is what happens when I go hold a friend's hand while she is getting tattooed. I just can't seem to say no. I have to avoid the palors all together. Picture Machine is super cool. I was there with Kris while she got her sleeve worked on and before I knew it I was under the gun. I plan on getting my right wrist done in a couple of weeks. A queens crown to match my kings crown. I feel unbalanced, or maybe that's just my excuse...