Welcome To A Second Chance

Sunday is depression day. As I have said before, it's a day usually reserved for laying in bed awash in negative feelings, tears and cigarettes. Not today. Today I am smiling. Despite the fact that I forgot to turn off my alarm (I get one day people, ONE day) I still hopped out of bed and started to function. This is really important to understand; functionality is as important as my mood shift. KIT doesn't take away the issues that made my depression unbearable, it alleviates the overwhelming sense of fear and grief. It lifts that cloud and allows me a gentler way to move through those issues. It gives me a less dramatic feel to the darkness that has followed me around for 30 plus years.

Getting back to functionality - most people I know who suffer from depression simply struggle to function. I am high-functioning in my job. I have always been that way. It was a huge fear of mine that I would be unable to pay my rent and care for The Criminals so this kept me working hard and on point. However, that was sort of it. The rest could melt away and I didn't care. Of course, I have had beautiful moments in my life; spending time in NOLA, live music shows, getting to travel to other countries, watching little ones grow up. Moments I have deeply appreciated and honestly enjoyed, but those moments are like holidays from my day-to-day life. They pop up here and there to whisk you away but you always have to return to your real life.

I am realistic. I know that I need to work through some underlying problems and keep working on my well-being. KIT was instrumental in kick-starting my brain and relieving me of the heaviest of my hurt. It worked. It is that simple. It took that cloud that hovers over my head and washed it away. It saved my life. If you are hurting and out of traditional solutions, please consider this path. It can lead you to a better way of living. It can help you find your "Why".

xoks

How I feel post infusion

Speed Limit 110

Tomorrow is my final treatment. Since we went up to 110mgs it has taken me longer to recover between sessions.  Mostly I am plain exhausted. It is also much harder to describe what happens when I go under. The thoughts come so fast and get jumbled together. I have to open my eyes more often to make sure I am still in the room but I can't really see anything since my sight is so distorted. It is never frightening but it is disorienting. 

I am very excited by the changes I am seeing. I not only feel lighter, but I am functioning at a higher level. Small things that I used to resent (washing my hair, feeding the criminals, making coffee) no longer feel like a burden, they are just simple things we do in our daily lives. I have more energy (48 hours after treatment) and I smile more often.  The dark circles under my eyes have lightened and I am looking forward to upcoming events I have planned. I am no longer living in the darkness.

I am hopeful that this will last. From what I have read, treatment six is the kicker. Whether or not I need boosters down the line doesn't matter to me. I feel and see the immediate changes and life feels worth exploring again.

xoks 

Off To The Races

Today will be my fourth treatment. I am a little nervous because the dose will be increased and the last trip was pretty intense. I know that my doc is there to keep me balanced and can relieve any overwhelming feelings so I will go in with a positive attitude, do a little mindfulness meditation and go with the flow. I am as ready as I can be. More post treatment.

If you are curious about how this helps your brain, here is a very simple explanation:

Ketamine is completely different from SSRIs, tricyclics, MOAI inhibitors, benzos, or any other antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication.  The exact mechanism that causes ketamine to relieve depression is still under study, and is quite complex.  In short, when ketamine is administered in a very precise way it triggers a cascading sequence of events in the brain, which ultimately results in the re-growth of neurons that previously died off.  It is thought by some researchers that prolonged exposure to stress causes these neurons die off in the first place, resulting in depression, but ketamine causes them to rapidly re-grow within hours, relieving the depressive symptoms.  This is an oversimplification of a very complex topic, and the latest research hints there may be several other mechanisms involved that also play important roles.  Elsewhere on this site you’ll find more in-depth discussion, as well as a research database.

Pour Your Misery Down

My third session was intense. We upped my dosage to 90mg. After 10 minutes on the drip, I began giggling and slurring my speech. I am very grateful it was my mom by my side because no one else would make fun of me once I sobered up quite like my mother.

Yesterday and today I feel more groggy than usual. I am also less euphoric with a bit of a low feeling in my body and head but the doc said that some people experience a mild depression up until session six. I am allowing myself to feel whatever comes my way. 

I was able to jump out of bed yesterday and clean my house. I also stayed out of bed the whole day which is highly unusual for a Sunday; a day I always allow my depression to own by laying in bed and crying while chain-smoking. This Sunday I wanted to do small things to make my surroundings nicer. I felt at peace washing dishes and doing laundry. I didn't feel the need to nap or pull the covers over my head. It's the first Sunday in months I have felt this way. That is some serious progress for a person like me. 

I feel like I have been living inside Shirley Manson's head for the last seven plus years and it's been exhausting. The slow, sweet relief I am getting from my treatments is like kick-starting an old motorcycle. May take a few times but the sweet sound of the engine purring is always worth it.

xoks

70mg

Yesterday was treatment number two. The same process as the first time except my brother was there to support me this time. I am lucky to have such a loving, supportive family.

On the first treatment, he gave me 45mg.  A low dose but one that had me floating in a lovely little cloud. The doc thought we would go to 60mg this time but when he saw how well I was handling 60mg he pumped it up to 70mg. Let me just say, I have no idea why anyone wants to do this for recreational fun. I was out to lunch for over an hour. Brain spinning, body somewhere else, auditory hallucinations. It wasn't scary but it was intense. I can't relay the thoughts I had running through my foggy brain but I do know I kept finding "why's" (see March 13th) over and over again. Family, friends, music, travel; all these small why's adding up to enough to make my heart feel strong again.  

Today I am not as euphoric as I was on Wednesday but I feel really good. The doc says this is normal; session one, very powerful, session two, a little less impact on your mood, session three can be a breakthrough session. Four, five and six are to keep the dendrites moving and signaling. I say bring it on.

xoks

I'm Your Pusher

Worth watching.

Special K

Yesterday was my first treatment. Wow. I am floored by how I feel today. But before getting into that, let me take you on a little trip.

My mom was loving enough to take me to Palo Alto for my first infusion. On the drive down she asked me if I was scared. I told her I wasn't afraid of the procedure itself, I was afraid it might not work...then what would I do?

Once we reached the center we were greeted by a very kind doctor who had been working with Ketamine for over 20 years. He had started his practice using the treatment for pain relief and slowly transitioned to the mental health field as the drug was seen to prompt the regrowth of connections between brain cells that are involved in mood. In simple terms, it was regrowing nerves in the brain. 

We went into a small room where I was tucked in bed with my mom by my side. I was made to feel very safe and comfortable. He put an IV in my arm and started with a valium like cocktail before opening the saline-ketamine solution.  Within seconds I was floating from the valium; within minutes I was in a far away place.  While I was able to hold a conversation, I can't say I remember everything discussed. Up until the last few minutes I was golden - then the valium wore off and I started to feel slightly anxious.  The doctor assured me that was normal which helped me breathe through it.  About 10 minutes after the infusion was complete I was able to walk (albeit on clouds) back to my mom's car. 

The drive back was about an hour, and over that time the effects wore off.  I was very tired when I got home, but unable to nap. By 10 PM I was sound asleep.

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. No idea what I was dreaming about, but there was a definite weight missing from my usual morning routine.  To say that I feel better would be an understatement. I feel like the cloud that has been hovering over my head has shrunk in half. I am smiling and laughing. I even managed to get through a text from an ex that would normally have me in tears with a simple "no thank you". This is ONE treatment. I go back tomorrow for treatment number two and I am beyond hopeful. I will receive a total of six treatments between yesterday and next Saturday and I believe that my cloud will soon be replaced with much-needed sunshine.

xoks

Losing Your Why

Nietzsche said, "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." 

Most people who know me, know I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder with a healthy side of anxiety. I have been in therapy since I was 17 and on medication since I was 25. I have never hidden this from anyone. I understand that there is still a stigma around mental health issues but I have never shied away from a conversation about what it is like living with a disorder or how it affects my life. Until recently.

Over the last few months, I have been in a downward spiral.  Sinking deeper and deeper into my depression.  I am aware of the trigger (to be blogged at a later date) but I could not stop it from happening.  I have spent hours sobbing uncontrollably.  Days where I slept for 20 hours straight. Night after night of not sleeping at all. I have gone a week without eating - chainsmoking to feel full. I have ignored my cell, my email, my voicemail. I have fallen physically sick over and over again due to my inability to take care of myself. I am broken.

This isn't the first time I have been this deep.  Over the last seven years I have struggled more than ever with my illness. I have alienated myself from friends and family. I isolate and hide from everything but my job (which keeps me somewhat sane) major family events and much-needed escapes to see live music; the one thing that I can still find true joy in. Almost everything else seems like background noise to my depression; something to distract me from my head and keep away the darkest of thoughts.

I hit a wall. I looked around at my life and I thought "I have no fucking why so why am I continuing?" Yes, that wall.  The one no one talks about. The biggest taboo of mental health conversations. The one that leads you to round the clock care by people in white coats. The one that terrifies most people but only makes me feel like I can stop this pain if I can no longer hold it. A thought I have had over the last seven years more times than I can count. I am exhausted.

I recently started seeing a new therapist. She is an amazing woman who understands overly empathetic people who lack shields by which to protect themselves. From our second session until yesterday when I emailed her that I was barely holding on, she had been suggesting a new treatment for depression. Ketamine Infusion Therapy. I read a little about it after she mentioned it the first time but I was ambivalent about the idea of using animal tranquilizers as a remedy to my madness.  When I reached out to her yesterday I was so desperate that I begged her to help me find a center to start the process. 

I immediately contacted them and received a call within 15 minutes. The woman on the other end of the line heard the absolute despair in my voice.  She talked to me for 45 minutes. She had been there, she knew exactly how I felt and she promised me a way out. She explained how the therapy worked, what I should expect to experience and how quickly I would begin to heal.  Her words and kindness helped ground me in the moment and allowed me to breathe again. When we hung up I sobbed to myself that I could make it 36 hours until my first appointment. I am now 13 hours away. 

For the first time in so many years I feel hope. I think there is a way up. I believe that I am capable of finding my why so that I can bear almost any how. My journey begins tomorrow.

xoks

Time to gather up the splinters, build a casket for my tears

Come here
Pretty please
Can you tell me where I am?
You - won't you say something?
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lies that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Don't cry
There's always a way
Here in November in this house of leaves
We'll pray
Please, I know it's hard to believe
To see a perfect forest
Through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the promises I made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the lies that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Hallways... always
I'll always want you
I'll always need you
I'll always love you
And I will always miss you

Come here
No I won't say please
One more look at the ghost
Before I'm gonna make it leave
Come here
I've got the pieces here
Time to gather up the splinters
Build a casket for my tears

I'm haunted
(By the lives that I have loved)
I'm haunted
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echo there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune

- Poe

Hail Mary Full of Grace

Grace and I finally spent some quality time together. I had my first lesson at Jackson Arms with the gentle, yet slightly goofy, McKee.  Our date started with gun safety then moved on to the repetitive task of locking, loading, chambering, unloading, reloading, aiming, breathing and pretending to shoot.  That lasted about 30 minutes and it was on to playing dress up.  

In my sassy clear glasses and my slightly spongy ear muffs we moved on to the range.  McKee offered me a myriad of targets to choose from; Zombie Lil, Zombie John, Victim Sarah held by Zombie Lil, Victim Sam held by Zombie John....you get the idea, Zombies are very popular on the range.

In the end I chose a simple target with a tiny little green dot in the middle and 5 circles working their way out to the non-safety zone.  McKee explained that the green dot was an A++ and as you moved out it went down from there.  He then asked me what kind of grades I got in school. I just stared at my shoes.  

McKee shot the first round out of Grace and I jumped.  She is extremely loud and the shell came out of the chamber and bopped me on the head.  Who knew?  Once he showed me the "stance" he had me take aim and take my first shot.  I am pretty sure I closed my eyes because I hit the target on the 5 and stomped my foot.  Seeing my childish reaction he had me reload and refocus, hold a half breath and slowly squeeze.  This time I hit the 3.  A solid C.  The flash from a .45 is very bright and the shell hit me in the shoulder this time.  

He then had me load three bullets.  This time I shot double-action.  A lot harder and a lot longer before Grace went BOOM and the sizzling shell flew straight down my shirt and I did what is referred to as the "hot breast dance".  I did manage to set my gun down safely before I performed my jig.  Points for me and applause from my fellow rangers.

I went back to single action and I began to get closer to the green dot.  I was earning a B+ when McKee asked me if I was an over-achiever in high school and if all the boys followed me around like little puppy dogs.  Why yes and yes, I was and they did.  After that my shots went to shit.  Besides the fact that I had already spent 80 rounds and my arm was on fire, he pumped up my ego and that always trips me up.  By the 100th round I am pretty sure I hit the target in the lane next to mine. No one mentioned it. 

As I was checking out I asked McKee what he shot.  A Glock 9 of course.  I asked him why and he said "when you get older it just gets harder to shoot .45's.  It tires you out really quickly." So glad my first gun is a cannon.

xoks

What Could Have Been

Today is a touchy day for me.  An anniversary date that only existed in my head. Something I celebrated silently, often with much sadness. I know that time heals. But how long will I continue to count the actual days?

xoks

Se7en

I am on a little break.  I am taking seven days to do some reflecting and grounding.  The greatest impact is on my dating life.  I am not texting, IMing, emailing, Facebooking (them anyway) or taking calls.  

This has posed a little challenge for me.  I only informed one person that I am seeing that I am on this hiatus.  He was very supportive, as his has been with most things in my life, but it left a few others in the dark.  So far I have counted six missed calls, 18 ignored texts and nine neglected emails.  I committed to not contacting these men but I forgot to inform them of my mini-vacation.

So I am thinking, come Saturday, I am going to have some apologies to make.  I don't think anyone is going to be horribly upset with me but I suppose I could have planned this slightly better.  

On occasion I act impulsively - leaving some people in my life a little confused.  I don't do it on purpose; I do it to try to give myself some breathing room.  I can easily get lost in others and I am trying to recognize this quickly and act on it even faster.  Trying to stay balanced takes a lot of work.  Maybe I should have stayed in gymnastics...

xoks

I would like to order a 27 year old with a side of wtf am I doing please

I hate to admit it but I am an ageist.  But not in the traditional sense.

In my life I have generally stuck with my personal 5 up - 5 down rule with age (with the exception of my longest relationship were there was a 7 year age gap) but since all of my friends tossed that idea out the window I though why not?  A sexy dish of 27, sure, I will take it to go.

As it turns out my order was sickeningly undercooked.  The rawness of it left me feeling nauseous, soured inside.  Because in reality most 20 something boys are a mess.  

I know there is a lot to be said for whom we attract.  That if we are emotionally unhealthy then we will draw the like to us.  That being said, it is hard to see that creeping up on you.  What is much easier seems to be walking away from it.  As a 20 year old I would have worked really hard to "fix" that dish; added some salt, maybe a little butter to soften it up...in my 40's I just don't have any desire to cook anymore.  

Are the 30, 40, 50, 60 years olds any better?  Incrementally.  But lately it all seems so exhausting and pointless.  I don't want a partner, I don't want to babysit and I don't want to be in second place.  I simply want to have some fun.  It shouldn't be so difficult.

xoks

Desperately Seeking Me

My ego suffered a rather good blow today.  I didn't expect it.  I couldn't have even known it was coming because I was so enmeshed within it I was blind to the possibility.  Damn if it didn't knock me on my ass.

It isn't like I pretend that I am selfless, or that I don't know that I am fragile, but I have realized that sometimes I become so self-involved that one very small thing can take me out at the knees and my ego makes me its bitch.  

I value self-awareness more than almost anything else in the people I let into my life.  I try very hard to own my mistakes.  To look at the way I treat people, and if I feel like it isn't as kind and gentle as I need it to be, I try to correct myself immediately.  I am not perfect. Sometimes it will take me days to realize how wrong I have been and take action. I am sure there are hundreds of times I could have done "it" differently, but I make the effort everyday in hopes of one day being the person I desire to be when I grow up. 

I feel so detached from myself today that I just stare and stare in the mirror in hopes of seeing myself looking back.  Right now I simply don't know where I have disappeared to but I sure hope I can find my way back to me.

xoks

An Introspective View on Soothing the Savage Beast...

...also known as my bangs.

I have always loved wearing bangs.  Then I hate them.  I grow them out, then I cut them again, convincing myself I look younger and that it saves me on botox.

The issue is when my wonderful hair guru cuts my bangs they are perfect.  Smooth, rounded, Zooey Deschanel bangs.  Lightly brushing my eyelashes, making me feel like a a sweet little doe eyed girl.

Then three mornings later...I wake up with my bangs intertwined with my lashes. I can't see a thing.  They start to curl and wave and look less Zooey and more like a this girl.  Then the following ensues:

Dear Criminals,

I thought we had a deal. When your human is in a manic mood and is taking scissors to her own bangs we agreed you would NOT jump on the sink and scare the bejesus out of her causing her to now sport Girl Interrupted bangs for the next six weeks.

Sadly,

Your human waiting to be carted away to the looney bin

It's a viscous cycle.  An unbreakable chain.  My cross to bare.  Bangs; the bane of my existence. 

xoks 

Chasing the Devils Tail

I don't like games. I kinda like Cards against Humanity and I do play a mean scrabble but that is not what I am referring to here.

As I start to poke my toe in the dating pool I realize there are a lot of new rules that seem to have cropped up in the last few years.  I am a pretty straight shooter when I start seeing someone.  If there is no chemistry I simply say so.  If I want to (insert your own word here since my mom reads this) you, I will tell you.  I don't care about rules.  I don't want to waste my time or yours.

So why is it men are still unable to respond in like?  I did have a date with one man recently and we knew right away that it wasn't going anywhere.  We shook hands on it and email pleasantries to each other every now and again.  He is a really great guy but we got it, spoke about it and moved on as friends.  Why is this so difficult?  And if you want to (insert your own word here since my other mom also reads this) me, just say so.  The worst that can happen is I say no thanks.  No one has ever died from those words. 

I am not chasing anyone.  Instead I am ridding myself of the runners.

xoks

The Good Wife's Worst Enemy

I have never been married.  I hadn't been with anyone I wanted to marry until I was 36 or 37. That isn't to say I didn't love my exes. I just never wanted to marry them. In all fairness, they never asked.

I have been on a binge of The Good Wife.  I have always liked Julianna Margulies so I decided to give it a chance.  Honestly, it is just another soap opera with mostly predictable plots but I do get to gaze at Chris Noth and I do enjoy that.  

The thing is, it is triggering me.  I am the bad girl in these kinds of stories.  No, I am not a super hot call-girl (although I am kinda cute) and no, he wasn't a politician with an amazingly loving and supportive wife.  He was just a guy I fell in love with when I shouldn't have.  I spent five years of my life loving him, supporting him, and trying to "fix" him...because man is he broken.  I know this is coming from my mouth but if you pit us against each other in a "who is more fucked up" race he is going to win hands down.

I really did wrestle with his being married.  Not always, but a lot.  I recall going to a dark place in my head that would allow me to fantasize that all the things he told me were real.  That he never loved her, that he married her for his green card, that he chose her because she would not leave him like his first wife had because she was too weak and needy to leave him, that he stayed for the kids (yes, I said it, there were two).  He used every line married men use to keep us connected but that allows them to keep their cake and eat it too.  

I never betrayed his trust, I never asked him to leave her (well once, but I was drunk and we were kissing under the Eiffel Tower so my defenses and sensibilities were lowered.) I showed up whenever he asked even though he could rarely show up for me.  He told me I brought him back to life and I foolishly believed him.  Am I usually this gullible? Maybe, I will have to think on it.

So what became of the only man I would ever have married?  He left me for another woman. Not his wife of course, just a person we both knew. Shocking, I know.  It took me four months to figure out he was seeing another (third) person and then it all blew up.  Mostly in my face.  
Some of you probably think I deserved it, and maybe I did - but that heartbreak put me down for two years.  Had he returned to his family instead of leaving me to start a new affair I would have been ok.  I even expected that to be how things would end.  But that wasn't the case and I had closed my eyes to the idea that he would/could ever do something like that to me.  I suppose karma was served. 

I am sure disclosing this publicly will make some people judge me even more than usual but this is my place to work through my messiness.  You don't have to stay - I actually never invited you in. Your welcome to come here anytime, but you may not like what you hear.

xoks

“What is done out of Love is beyond Good and Evil” (I call shenanigans)
― Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

About six months ago I thought I would start to date again.  Or at least try.  So I joined a dating site, set up a nice profile and waited to see what would happen.  Within a few days I received a few dozen messages.  Most of the men didn't interest me but one caught my eye.

He was a doctor and a Ph.D.  He worked for a start-up and made good money. He was 6-4 and had a South African accent (swoon).  So I started a conversation with him.  He was a bit shy at first but slowly opened up.  Turned out he was into a lot of the same things I am but he was also very aggressive about sexting.  Now I don't necessarily have an issue with that except I didn't know this guy at all and I thought it was a little odd to start off on that foot.  Isn't sexting for people who know each other a bit and want to be sexy/flirty with one another?  At least that is what I have always thought.

I finally told him to go away.  I wasn't interested in the games he was playing and if he didn't actually want to meet me and see if there really was some sort of chemistry he needed to leave me be.  He was quiet for about two weeks then he asked if we could meet.

When he showed up he was disheveled but cute.  We had dinner together and I figured out pretty quickly he wasn't attracted to me.  No big deal.  

The next day we exchanged a few texts agreeing that there wasn't a connection and we discussed being friends.  I never heard from him again...until tonight.

About 15 minutes ago my phone started vibrating.  It was a video chat request from "Adam".  I have a few friends named Adam but I am really close to my sleepy time and, to be honest, sans make-up, so I declined.  Then it showed me it was the DOC.  I sent him a message asking him why he was contacting me.  His answer..."I am horny."  I reminded him he wasn't interested in me, asked him if he was drunk and then told him that he was rude and he needed to fuck off.  Then I blocked him.

What in the world is wrong with people?  I am not here to fucking amuse you.  I am not here just because you have some "need" you need taken care of and you think I am here for you to use.  People can be really awful sometimes.  Just reminds me why I don't date.

xoks

This is Not a Sex Blog

I will not disclose the details of how I spent my day yesterday but suffice to say (insert my favorite NIN song here)...MEOW.

I know, I am leaving you all to roll around in the gutters of your minds (I am talking to you Mr. NSA) but I am just not the kind of girl who "kisses and tellses".  I can see my stats, those hundreds of admirers reading my blog (no, no trolling bots or anything).  One of you might work with me or know one of my mothers or something.  I am just not willing to risk my perfect reputation just to sate your curiosity.  Let's just pretend I never wrote this and move along.

xoks

Black Laundry in Bed

Dear Criminals,

In all of thirty seconds, just enough time for me to take my folded towels to the bathroom, the three of you managed to destroy an entire load of freshly washed black clothing.  

Yes, it was my fault that I placed that yummy, warm, completely clean laundry on my bed to fold.  Yes, I turned my back for a moment to put a few things away.  And yes, it is my fault I washed a load of black clothing, knowing how much you love watching me walk out of the house covered in your fur.  But did ALL three of you have to plot against me?  Did you need to burrow deep into the pile to ensure every single piece of clothing was covered in your hairballs?  There are not enough lint brushes in the world to rid me of your evil-doing...

With a lack of respect,

Your quarter-less human

Strange Relationships

I am oddly involved with a few different men.  Nothing serious; mostly getting to know you stuff.  Yet it is already complicated.

Guy #1 - He lives in NY.  He is very successful, very handsome and 3,000 miles away.  We are working out seeing one another but both of our schedules are somewhat chaotic and this makes planning frustrating.  How long does one wait before just blowing it off?

Guy #2 - He is really young.  Granted, we aren't thinking marriage here but is it ok to date someone who hasn't ever heard of Quadraphenia? I am really pondering this.

Guy #3 - I don't even know what to say about this one.  I have known him for ages and he is very sweet, somewhat naive and very confused.  Our lives are so different I sometimes wonder how we even connect at all.  Maybe it is all in my head.

Guy #4 - One of my favorite people ever.  Just so short on time.  Getting together on a "quarterly basis" makes me feel like I am on his BOD rather than his mind.

So do I just scrap it all and start over?  Sigh, seems like a lot of work and this girl is already tired.

xoks

Not to be Censored

I took some time to read old posts.  I am a drama queen.  We all know it.  That being said I will not censor my writing for fear that someone out there might not like what I have to say.  This is my place to spew and spout whatever I feel like and I am happy to do it to anyone or no one (we shall see if anyone even reads this thing anymore.)

It has been a very hard few years.  I ended a long, tumultuous relationship. I changed jobs.  I left a lot of people behind and I am trying to reconnect with the world.  I never thought heartbreak could actually bring me to my knees but it did and it took a long time to learn to stand again.  

So now I need to walk, if not run, though my crazy life.  I am working on my self-worth; my understanding of my value in this world.  I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a lover, and, maybe most importantly, a godmother.  I have people who love me and stand by my side, even when I feel like crawling though my day.  I greatly appreciate everyone who has been there for me even when they don't understand me.  

So to anyone out there who might be reading, I love you and thank you for being a part of my wacky life.

xoks

Does this thing work?

All my pics are missing.  All my rantings are here.  Now let's see if I can still write.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pumpkin Gingerbread Trifle and Apple Crisp

Two out of three complete.  They are much prettier in person.

Wishing you and yours a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Has it Really Been a Year?

Wow, I used to be so good at this. I guess my life has become so hum-ho that I have nothing to share (lies).

I made a date for next Monday night to go to a firing range and, woo-hoo, it's Ladies Night!

It has been 20 years since I fired a gun so if I never post again you will know what happened to me.

I know there was another reason I logged on, something I wanted to share but it simply slipped my mind in the time it took me to remember how the hell to login. I am getting old.

Yes We DID!

CONGRATULATIONS
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

Happy Valentines Day

I came into work this morning to find this on my desk




My team loves me. Thank you all for the thoughtful gift.

All That Glitters Is...

This is insane packaging. When I got my Gold card it came in your basic white envelope. The only thing the Platinum card was missing was the Armed Guard delivery.

The Sweetest Thing

I received this from a lovely friend as a "non-Christmas" gift:

This is by far one of the most amazing gifts I have ever received. I can not thank you enough for knowing me so well.

Get My Fall On

I was feeling a little bored so I decided to try something new. This is my old livingroom:

And this is my new livingroom:

I am not sure this is the final change, it is the second set of colors I have been through (the first being the most terrifying silver/blue I have ever seen.) Am I seeing a little too much brown here? The color is richer in real time but still I may need to try one more color scheme before I decide.

The next purchase/upgrade will be new coffee tables. That one looks so little with the new couch. I need something heartier to balance it all out. Or maybe I should just stop retail therapy right now. Naa.

Time Well Spent

I have just gotten back from my latest adventure. A week on the beach in Corolla. With wild Mustangs and even wilder friends.

Kerri turned forty last week. She is hating me right now for emphasizing this fact but alas, it is true. We have been friends for 24 years. TWENTY-FOUR. Yikes. Every year has gotten better and better. She is one of my most favorite people ever. I hope she knows that

The week started with Kerri, Suzanne, Summer, Anna, Lars, Stephen, Alicia and Melissa at the house. Mid-week Alicia, Mel and Stephen went home and my Sweet Pea and Alex joined us. It was one of the most relaxing and enjoyable trips I have taken in a long while (or at least a few months).

Coming home was a little tough. I love this group of people. I miss time with them. It makes me want to own a great big house and move them all in so we can hang out everyday drinking beer and lounging by the sea. Perhaps it is time to play the lottery?

Thank you Kerri, for such a lovely trip. And Happy Birthday Boo.

I Have Been Bad. Spank Me?

I have not written in over two months. What the hell have I been doing?

I turned 38 last month. How the hell did I get so old? I swear I was just 17 the other day. A cute little bleach blonde with no job and a stable of boyfriends. I kinda miss the stable thing.

I am leaving on vacation (yes again) tomorrow morning. One of my dearest friends, Kerri, is turning 40 on Saturday and she rented a house in Corolla for a group of us to join her in celebration. I will be meeting her in North Carolina and making the drive with her to Corolla. A week on the beach, sigh

I posted pics from my last trip and will add Corolla upon my return. With no internet connection in NC I guess you will all (does anyone read this anymore?) have to wait until I return for the details.

Juan et Juan Equals Two

K and S took me out to Chapel Hill last night to party party. We had a nice little Mexican dinner outside, drinking beer and eating cheesy steak tacos. It was raining a little and the temperature dropped to a reasonable 85 at ten at night.

After dinner Kerri took us to her favorite bar, The Cave. A very cool underground bar with live bands and a little pool table in back. Suzanne was so awed that I knew pool terminology she insisted that I play. I approached the two guys playing pool and asked if there was a list. Neither spoke much English but we worked it out to play doubles. Turns out their names were, you guessed it, Juan et Juan. Just two buddies hanging out picking up on chicks. Juan number one had a brilliant El DeBarge circa 1982 hairdo. Juan number two spoke not even one word of English but smiled at me a lot. Kerri and I held our own but Juan 1 was a pretty good shot and we ended up 2 to 2 in the end.

At one point I had to make a shot where my ass was in the face of three strangers. I warned them, they didn't move and then a tall blond guy pretended to hit my ass while I was shooting. When Juan 1 noticed he said to me " you bend like that in front of man he thing sweet luscious." Nice.

A few friends of K & S's joined us for a drink at the cave then convinced me I belonged in Hell. Yet another trip to an underground bar where you have to apply for a card (I am now a card carrying member of Hell) before they can serve you mixed drinks. Gotta love the ABC.

The place was dark, cool and smelly. Filled with wanna be goths, frat boys/girls and PBR at a buck fiddy. The jukebox was definitely one of the most interesting ones I have ever come across. The main bartender managed it and it felt like something you might find at CBGB's. It rocked. Unfortunately they were out of Stella so I didn't want to stay long.

At three AM we called it a night, errr morning and crashed out. For some reason sleep would not come over me until 5 AM so yours truly is a major mess at the moment and calling it an early night.

Tonight will be laying low and chillin' on the deck serving as a feast for the mosquitoes. Stella aplenty.

The Carolinas

Last Friday I jumped on a plane for North Carolina. I was met at the airport by Kerri and Suzanne. They moved out here a year ago and this is the first time I have been out to visit them in their beautiful new home. Their house is lovely; a large soft yellow exterior two story dwelling with three bedrooms on the second floor, a large living, dining, and den area and a sweet open kitchen and eating room. I accidentally left my card reader at home so pictures will be posted later

I spent Friday night in NC and on Saturday morning we drove two cars to Charleston (Kerri loaned me her BMW) so the three of us could hang out for a long night and day in SC. The drive was about four hours but it was so beautiful it just flew by. The three of us went out to diner at the Noisy Oyster in Downtown Charleston on Saturday and then spent Sunday milling about the area. It was so unbelievably hot there that whenever you walked into a store the sweat would just pour off of you. Not an attractive day for me.

Charleston is beautiful. Everyone was so friendly and helpful. The one eerie thing is in the middle of downtown there is a huge semi-enclosed market where vendors sell all sorts of junk (emphasis on the word junk). The market was previously used to sell slaves and it was difficult for me to ignore that. It made my skin crawl. Sometimes the South holds nothing but beauty for me, other times I can still feel the days gone, especially when confederate flags still wave on poles and as tattoos on the rednecks shoulders. Sigh.

Mid-afternoon I headed out to Edisto Island while the girls headed home. My family (dad and step-mom) had rented two houses on the beach for a family reunion. The family is my step-moms. A lively and large (20 plus) group of mostly southerners who eat, drink, chat and really know how to have a good time. The reunion was for several monumental birthdays; Grandma's 90th, my uncle Ned's 75th, and my aunt Judy's 60th. Cake every night, yum.

The house on the beach was amazing. A huge screened in porch overlooking the ocean that was never colder than 80 degrees. Dolphins swimming so close you could see their facial expressions (if they actually had any). Logger Head Turtle nests that would come to life late at night as the newborns tried to reach the ocean.

My cousins and brothers and I would sit on the porch late at night drinking beer and playing games. Well I would drink beer. Hunter and Jake, my brothers, 17 and 15, my cousins Lauren and Jordan, and Lauren's wife, Nancy all had drinks of their choosing (I was very stingy with my Stella). Sitting outside in shorts, feeling a breeze coming off of the ocean, stopping on Palmetto bugs and slamming back beers, life was good.

I spent five days hanging out with the family. On Tuesday we took a boat out into the Edisto Ocean/Lake area. For a good long while we were surrounded by dolphins, jumping in groups for show, bobbing their heads up and showing off their newborns. It had me awed. The captain of the boat stayed close to them for my benefit but the rest of the group wanted to get going so we headed out to look at the various islands and plantations on our 2 hour tour.

The remainder of the trip was spent lounging, beaching, drinking and eating to the point of silliness. I was able to read a book in two days, that's how lazy it was. Glorious and sloth-like, as vacations should be.

On Friday morning I headed back to NC. It took me six hours to arrive back at K and S's house where they greeted me with pizza and beer, thank the gods. Now I am sitting on their back deck in the heat watching the cats play in the yard and drinking coffee. I could live like this.

"I could spend a lifetime staring into those eyes."

The BEST bar pick-up line I have ever received. Hands down.

Happy Birthday Kiki

We had a big celebration for Kiki last night for her bday. She looked lovely. Rock on babe.

Out of Sight...

It is funny how you think you might not survive certain events in your life. How a situation may break your heart to the point of never feeling again. How a moment may leave you a shell of who you used to be. This actually never happens to me.

What I find happens, more often than not, is that I become a stronger person for the things in life that cause me to pause. I do tend to curl up and spend some time lingering in the emotions of it all but I always come out the other side feeling like I have accomplished something real.

I have spent the last year or so trying to figure out a strange relationship that has had me in a bit of a tailspin. I don't want to get into detail here but suffice to say it has finally found an end and I have mixed feelings on the matter. Some days I am pleased that we realized it wasn't right for us and other days, well, they suck.

After spending 12 years in very broken relationships I think I learned a little about cutting your losses. Some may say a year is a long time, but with this man, it was merely a blink. Every minute was wonderful, even the hard times. I will forever be thankful that he came into my life to make me laugh, hold my hand when I was sad and remind me daily that I am worth it all.

Perfect

I have eyed this beauty for a long time. Teresa Moore is a local San Francisco artist that I have been in love with for the last few years. Her prints are a little pricey but I broke down and bought myself this piece:

I can not tell you how happy I was to hang her on my wall tonight. She was just what I needed to make my room whole.

It is Possible that I am Insane

Yes I bought it, yes it is an S4, and yes I have issues.

Way Too Eighties

He loved me.

Just has to be Seen

These pictures are amazing. I had to share. More soon.

OCD

It only took four months but I am finally settled into my new home. Being a Virgo, normally my place would have been done in a week. It drives me crazy to not have everything in its place. But with my back being what it is these days I had to take my time and I think it made a difference in the overall look of my place. It feels very smooth, if that makes any sense. Like everything is where it is supposed to be. I am so happy here. Coming home feels like, well, coming home. The only downside is not seeing my mom all the time. I really miss her.

I reorganized my closet, specifically my shoes:

Yes, those are individual cases for each pair of shoes. I tossed a bunch of pairs I no longer wear and tried to keep it simple. Sadly, I am down to the basics. I think I need to shoe shop.

I have added a few more photos of my place. Some just to show my new artwork, others to show my fancy shoe alters. Yes, I know, displaying overpriced shoes in my hallway is silly, but I liked the idea more than watching them collect dust in the closet. Oh, right, that isn't a problem anymore. I will need to order more boxes.

A dear friend of mine gave me these on a whim:

French Tulips are my favorite. A loving gesture, thank you. They made me smile for a long time.

I am off to Philly this week. Taking Carmen on a mini-trip to NYC. She needs a break from everyday life and so do I. I can't think of anyone I would rather run away with.

And She is (a)Live

Let me get the niceties out of the way:

Happy Hanukkah
Merry Christmas
Happy New Year

There, I have been good. Now on to whatever the hellI feel like rambling about. Let me start with Comcast.

Every month I pay nearly $200 so that I can watch any channel on the planet, have a house phone no one will ever call cause I have been mobile for 6 years, but have to have so people can gain entry into my house, and finally, so that I can connect to the internet faster than you. However for the past month I have had to piggyback off of a neighbor to view my internet porn because something went awry with my internet connection. Some light wasn't blinking. Some wire wasn't connected, some THING wasn't working. Only I didn't really know this cause I was connected, sorta. I had access here and there thanks to Joe Smith who lives on my block. I spent over an hour on the phone with a Comcast monkey who had to put me on hold a dozen times to ask him superior which plug I should pull next. We did everything he could think of, although I had told him I had done it all before and was politely asking him just to send a person out to do my bidding. Finally I got an appointment. The tech came out, unplugged everything at once, pulled the battery and BAM, I have my internet back. Two minutes. He decided not to charge me, which was nice, because really, the monkey should have had me power cycle the damn thing in the first place. No wonder people are so mean to Customer Support. If I didn't have the best CS team ever I would think that companies only employ primates to answer customer calls.

My best friend, Carmelinda and her man Alex got engaged while visiting me over the holidays. Alex was very romantic about the whole thing. He proposed on one knee, under the Golden Gate Bridge. Carmen was so nervous she kept trying to get down there with him. She just didn't know what to make of the whole thing. When he opened the box with her ring inside, she jumped up and down like the 12 year old that she is. Now I have another wedding to plan (says me, that's who).

I took the last week of December off on holiday. I spent the first half with friends and family celebrating and really enjoying myself, and the second half flat on my back because I enjoyed myself to the point of throwing my back out. Oh yeah, New Years Eve in bed, on vicodin, watching Lost. Does life get anymore exciting? I shouldn't complain; on New Years day everyone else was so hungover they could barely move. I, on the other hand, could actually walk again. Just in time to return to work.

The week before I went on vacation a handful of people I work with threw me a thank you lunch at 21st Amendment. About 15 or so people. As usual we drank and ate too much. Our lunch turned into an all afternoon party. Sometime in the middle I was presented with a gift from the crew; $500 in Amex Gift Cards. I was floored. They packed it inside a copy of The Devil Wears Prada DVD, which was inside a hand-knit stocking made by my friend Soph. (Thank you lady). The idea behind the DVD was that I had been bitching about these beauuuuutiful Prada boots I wanted and they wanted me to buy them so I would shut up. Just dear god, close your trap and buy them already! So I did. They arrive, I drool, I strip my feet, I go to put them on and, FUCK, they are so narrow I lose all feeling in my toes within 4 minutes. Just long enough to trapse through the office, a six foot, 4 inch amazon babe, and show them off. Then right back in the box. They are now awaiting a trip to Ebay. Sigh. I guess I can't have it all.

If You Are Gonna Treat Me Like One...

On Tuesday night I needed to stop at the store on the way home after a nice evening of guzzling beer with the boys. I was out of creamer and kinda hungry so I went to a nice little boutique grocery store so I could grab my dinner.

As I was walking down the frozen food isle when I hear - "I like your tattoo." I turned around to smile at my ink admirer; a man dressed in a black suit, shirt, tie - one of those silly Bluetooth things in his ear.

“Thank you.”

"Don't you want to know which one?" he asked.

I turned around, grinned and said "I guess so".

He pointed to my Fleur de Lis, "Well first I saw that one, then" as he pointed to my star, "that one. But when you turned around I saw those." He pointed to my chest tattoos. "How many are there?"

"Ten or eleven I think."

His smile got bigger, "I would love to count them."

At that slick comment it was time for me to head to the check out.

Once at the counter I engaged the cashier and bagger, talking about nothing in particular when Mister Frozen Foods sets his purchases on the counter next to me and says “What kind of wine do you like?”

I gave him a sideways glance, “Australian Shiraz.”

“I thought so.” Beat one, beat two, “so is that what you want me to buy you?”

One more big smile at him “I think I have had enough to drink tonight but thank you.”

I walked out to my car, which was parked right out front and press the little auto-open button, go to pull open the driver-side door and BAM, the guy in the Armani suit had a hold of my door so I couldn’t open it. Damn. He had actually walked away from his purchases, left people waiting in line and followed me. I peaked around him to see the cashier and a security guard in the doorway watching us.

He looked at me, all serious now, “What is it gonna take to get you to spend some time with me?”

I blinked at him a few times, “About five hundred dollars but I am off the clock for the night”.

Ain't it the Truth

www.postsecret.com

X Amount of Words

Me & Pea

This holiday week has been non-stop since Tuesday night. Carmen and Alex flew in from Philly and Paulie and I picked them up. We picked up Kiki and went straight to Q for their annual Crab Feed. I love this event because it is a chance to hang out with people I don't see very often and shovel mass amounts of crab down our gullets. Paulie was the last man standing at the crab line, go figure.

On Wednesday Carmen pounced on me in bed at the ungodly hour of 8 something and refused to let me be cranky with her since it was her birthday. Damn her. I can hardly believe Pea turned 32. The first bday I spent with her was her 21st. I baked her a purple heart-shaped cake and she cried because it was the first time a friend had ever done that for her. I told her to toughen up cause the cake represented bravery damn-it.

We took her to Framer Brown's for her birthday dinner; a rocking little soul food place in a funky neighborhood. After dinner we shot an awkward game of pool before heading home. My sister kicked some ass.

Thursday being Thanksgiving everyone had to hustle to different houses to visit family before we all settled at Alicia's house for the actual meal. My sister hosted 18 of us, a motley crew at best, in her home in Marin. My mom, sister, her kids, my brother, his gf, Carmen, Alex, Paulie, Russell, his brother Daniel, Justin and me all cooking, eating, drinking, laughing, smoking, and generally behaving badly for a typical holiday meal together. It was awesome. We hung out at Alicia's until about 9 and then headed to Russell's place for some serious Guitar Hero action. Laugh if you must, I did at first, but this game ROCKS! My only regret is that I suck a whole lot, but that never stopped me. Before I knew what was happening it was two in the morning and my hand had a cramp in it that haunted me until morning.

Friday morning was spent being slugs. Oh the joy. Pea and I needed to do a little shopping (I had to buy a heavy blanket for my guests as they claim my house is an icebox and hadn't stopped complaining for three days) so we headed to Target to see Mary. Mare is an executive at Target so we used her as a personal shopper so we could spend some time with her. I just don't get to see that girl often enough, and now that she has purchased a house in Sacramento, I am afraid it will be even less. Sigh.

We made plans to have a bunch of people at my house Friday night. I think we all needed a little down-time, sans hair and make-up, just to relax. Lara, Mary, Debbie, Jake, (who brought the fix'ens for Mojito's, bless his soul), Russell, Daniel, Paulie, Carmen and I all sat around my living room having drinks and laughing. Cause that is what we do, we drink and laugh. No, really - THAT IS WHAT WE DO.

My sister came over on Saturday morning to make us stuffing omelets. Granted, I don't eat eggs, or stuffing for that matter, but the thought was nice. Around two we headed to Carmen's aunt's house for a double bday celebration with her family. A nice whacky bunch that I always enjoy hanging out with. We read a play her Gram had written; a nicely charged political piece where I not only played Inga's mother (Inga being Carmen's character) but a second role that stabs Inga to death. Funny they picked me for both of those roles.

We stayed at the party until about 9 then I headed home (I was beaten up by then) and everyone else went to play more Guitar Hero. I hear I missed out.

Tonight is the last celebration. A group of us are driving up to French Laundry for another double-bday (this time Mikey and Carmen) for a four hour, nine-course meal. Ummm, I think come Monday I may be done eating for the year. Photos and gossip to follow.

Sneak Preview

Although I am not done decorating, I thought I would post some pics from the new place. I have a few dozen more prints to put up and, as you can see, a bed to make. I am in love with this place.

I also picked up some of the art I had framed (see above). There is also a great map Anna did for a party that I stole and framed, I love her art.

More to come.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I am not sleeping. I am having trouble eating. Drinking seems to be going okay. Despite the fact that things are going really well in most parts of my life, somethings are just a mess. I am tired of fighting. I am sick of the struggle. I just want it to all go away - like it never happened.

Teach Me to do Laundry at My Parents House

So my new place has laundry in the garage. Coin-Op laundry. I have been spoiled over the last four years by having a washer/dryer in my home and now I find I will actually wear a pair of pants more than once before putting them in the dirty just to keep the hamper from encroaching on the ceiling.

That being said I waited nearly three weeks before I was forced into a corner when I ran out of clean white socks. Normally, a girl like me would just go shopping but I decided a trip to my dad and step-mom's for dinner was in order. So while there, why not do the college student thing and wash a load (or three). I did my whites first (needed those socks), then my darks and then colors. At about 8 PM it was apparent that the dryer wasn't going to comply with my time-table. My step-mom told me she would fold it all for me (the color load included a ton of underwear and towels, PJ's and my favorite jeans) and I could pick it the next day. She was nice enough to bag it and place it in the garage so I could grab it whenever.

Whenever became a week and two days later and I called her tonight on my way home to tell her that after my groceries were delivered I would be by to grab my clothes. A sudden silence met me on the other end of the phone. Then a gasp:

"Um Kim, didn't you grab your clothes earlier this week?"

"No mom or I wouldn't be calling to tell you I was on my way"

"Oh dear, I think the cleaning ladies, well, I think they gave your clothes away."

"Excuse me?"

"Well I had several bags of clothing and other things going to Goodwill and I think they must have grabbed your bag by mistake and, well, there aren't any bags in the garage."

"None?"

"Not a one. I am sick about this."

"I know how you feel."

"Well, get over here, I have new towels for you and I will write you a check for your clothes."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, get over here now. I am just sick about this."

Click

It took me an hour, but I plowed through the $350 like it was nothing. New jeans, new pants, new undies, new sweater, new shirts. A totally unexpected shopping spree I had been itching for but avoiding since I am going on vacation at the end of the month.

Although I am sad about my loss I am very pleased with my new items. So the question becomes; do I continue to do laundry at the parents’ house or do I just send it out to the cleaners? I love having my laundry done for me, but what if next time she accidentally shrinks everything; maybe I can get the Porsche.

Upside Down

I have been remiss in writing. Things have been more than insane. I have moved back to the city into an amazing and beautiful flat. I haven't put all my art up yet so I won't post pics until it is complete. Suffice to say, it is wonderful. My cats are living with me, inside even. Everything is out of storage and it is really starting to look like my home.

I finally finished posting my pics of Spain. With over 400 photos it took me forever to get them all up. Two weeks there was not enough so next year we are looking at a month; two weeks in Spain and two weeks in Italy.

Work is killing me. I am in bed sick at 7:30 pm and I just finished working from home. I even had to run into the office for a short bit to sign off on some critical paperwork. I love my job, and I love the people I work with, but damn if I am not exhausted.

Most of the drama in my life is gone. Things for D are still a little uproarious but he is managing beautifully despite the fact that lies are still spread and there are people in this world willing to waste their time being vindictive. It makes me sad really; he is such an amazing person and deserves nothing but happiness. Too bad some people can't see past their spiteful noses to see what they are missing not knowing him

I know I have so much more to share, like I am off to NOLA again this month to see a two day concert and train at an HR convention, or that my LOVELY Pea is here visiting me, or that I miss my mom every day, but I am too low on energy to actually get to it all so this will have to do for now.

Much love

Thank You

To my friends and family who always celebrate and support my life. You mean the world to me.

Happy Birthday

To Me. 37. Yikes!

Happy Birthday Baby

Thank you for an amazing night! I love you and always will. Your Doll.

Somethings Never Change

Me at 14

Home Sweet...Oh Who Am I Kidding

Spain was the most brilliant trip. I took over 450 pictures. It will take me some time to sort and post them all, but I will get around to it.

Coming home was hard. As much as I missed everyone I just wanted them there with me. Why can't I just pick up everyone and everything and move us all to Spain? The people, the food, the smells, the architecture; all of it is amazing. I fell in love there; so many times I can't even count. In love with Gaudi, in love with the country, in love with this man, this woman, this other man. The men there are something else. Not what I was told - "shady and not to be trusted" - but smart, sexy and passionate. Something most American men aren't, at least not in one package. Yum.

With my back out and my leg killing me, I gimped around for the first week or so. I did my best to not complain (shut up Carmen) but DAMN, it was hard. Chin up I pushed and pushed myself! OK that is a lie, I was lazy; slept a lot, ate a lot, drank a lot, smoked a lot. The sloth-like nature of this trip, combined with the beauty of Spain was just what I needed.

Carmen and I are already planning next year. I want to take a full month off the next go-round and see my family in England as well as spend some time in Italy. I think it would be double the fun if I was traveling with someone I could make out with in Park Guell, or to trip around Vulpellac with. At least for a short while, until I, ya know, hooked up or something...